Anytime an affair continues, and especially after confrontation from the WW's husband.......she is not putting any children before herself.
What and who your W once was, is not what and who she is presently. In your mind, you still see her the way you want her to be.
I'm not saying she has stopped loving her children. I'm saying women change when they get involved with another man. When waywardness takes over, they are no longer the girl you married.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Once again, Sandi2, you nailed it. She is not the person I knew...the person who would never cheat on me.
I guess the only to force a stop and ensure a stop to the affair is to expand who knows about it. Is it enough for me to confront my BIL, do I tell my wife she needs to have a sit down with my sister, or do I just tell my sister? Each of these would end the EA for good, but some will have additional fallout. Either case involving my sister will have the most fallout, of course.
On another topic, my wife and I have always had schedules of sorts during the week. I exercise 2 days during the week while she takes over family duty, she does the other 3 days. This doesn't leave much time for me doing anything else...basically, I have always worked, exercised, done projects around the house, or spent time with the kids. For me to add nights out with friends, for example, this will prevent my wife from doing things in her typical schedule. This will make her mad. Is this okay to do?
Of course I thought of the irony of her getting mad at me for not relieving her of family care when she wanted a divorce and custody of the kids...where's her free time then..
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I guess the only to force a stop and ensure a stop to the affair is to expand who knows about it. Is it enough for me to confront my BIL, do I tell my wife she needs to have a sit down with my sister, or do I just tell my sister? Each of these would end the EA for good, but some will have additional fallout. Either case involving my sister will have the most fallout, of course.
You cannot depend on your wayward wife to have an honest heart to heart with your sister. The only way you should even consider your W telling her anything, is for her to do it in front of you. Otherwise, she will put her own twist on it. You cannot trust a cheater. In this case, there are two cheaters in the family.
By confronting your BIL, are you thinking he would agree to end the A and would have no future contact with your W? Do you see this as a way to avoid hurting your sister?
Is your BIL aware that you know about the A?
I understand you want as little fallout as possible. Honestly, I don't see how the four of you will ever be able to be around each other again. You and your sister, or you and your W, but certainly not the four of you. Even if your sister was not told, don't you think she would want to know why your W never went around her anymore, or why you and the BIL acted strange around each other? Do you really think you could go to family events and see your BIL there.......or see him and your W together in the same place? Your parents will know something is out of kelter, if this is covered up. Eventually, your sister will learn the truth, and then she will be angry and hurt at you for not telling her.
There just doesn't seem to be an easy fix for this disaster. I am so sorry for you, your sister, the kids, and your parents.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, the intent was for me to be present during the heart to heart between my wife and sister. I can almost see it play out in my head...my wife crying but my sister in excruciating pain. The pain would be there any way my sister finds out, but I almost would want my wife to see the pain she is causing with her actions.
My BIL has no idea that I know what's going on.
Yes, by confronting my BIL instead of telling my sister, I would be trying to end the EA without ending her marriage to my BIL...basically tell him he needs to stop all contact with my wife or I tell my sister everything. The other motivation for him if that isn't enough is that if his family finds out, they will ostracise him. He and his family spend enormous time at his parents lake house. My family spends a lot of time there as well. It's an awesome and very special bonding place for the cousins and our kids...and apparently my wife and BIL. His family would not allow my BIL or my wife to visit it anymore if they knew of the EA.
It's very surreal, but I have been to my sisters house since finding out about the EA, and I did not feel anger toward him...just hurt. He has been my favorite relative to hang out with for the last 20 years. It is similar with my wife. I guess I care about them both deeply and am more hurt than angry.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
It's very surreal, but I have been to my sisters house since finding out about the EA, and I did not feel anger toward him...just hurt. He has been my favorite relative to hang out with for the last 20 years. It is similar with my wife. I guess I care about them both deeply and am more hurt than angry.
Is that because you think an EA is not as bad as PA? not to mention that you think they only had a harmless EA? as far as you know.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
No, I actually think the EA is much worse than a PA. Her EA has been going on for years as far as I can tell. I don't think it got physical, but I could very well be wrong.
Of course my wife is passing it off as not a big deal, adamant that it has not hurt our marriage and is not hurting my sisters marriage, blah, blah...she even went as far as saying it helped our marriage stay together for as long as it has. As you can expect, my response to her was bull****.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
What I really don't get is that my wife is lying, covering up, deleting email accounts, etc. I already know about the affairs, and she swears she doesn't want to love me again, so why go to all that trouble? Is it just to keep me from getting so mad that I leave her and the kids, or does some part of her still want to rebuild our marriage?
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Yes, the intent was for me to be present during the heart to heart between my wife and sister. I can almost see it play out in my head...my wife crying but my sister in excruciating pain. The pain would be there any way my sister finds out, but I almost would want my wife to see the pain she is causing with her actions.
My BIL has no idea that I know what's going on.
Yes, by confronting my BIL instead of telling my sister, I would be trying to end the EA without ending her marriage to my BIL...basically tell him he needs to stop all contact with my wife or I tell my sister everything. The other motivation for him if that isn't enough is that if his family finds out, they will ostracise him. He and his family spend enormous time at his parents lake house. My family spends a lot of time there as well. It's an awesome and very special bonding place for the cousins and our kids...and apparently my wife and BIL. His family would not allow my BIL or my wife to visit it anymore if they knew of the EA.
Can I borrow it? Borrow what you ask? The crystal ball you used to find out exactly what would happen in all these scenarios.
Not for nothing, but you, I, or anybody else knows how others are going to react in a given scenario. I do agree with you that there is likely going to be a lot of pain, anger, arguments, etc, when all of this is exposed (and it will come out eventually, at least to your Sis). I can't imagine what you are dealing with to have a well liked family member as the OM, but I read this and think that you believe you have it all figured out.
It wouldn't surprise me if your BIL knew that you know. Why do you think BIL's family would ostracize him, you may find blood is thicker than water.
I think the thing that you need you focus on figuring out is what is going to make you feel like you did the right thing about your sister finding out. Would it be better for you to tell your sister, or wait until she finds out and defend why you didn't tell her. You've pointed out the reasons that you would do either, but at the end of the day, what do you think is going to make you feel like you did the right thing (because she may not be ok with either option you choose).
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
My biggest concern with me telling my sister is that she will hate me for it. She's the happy little stone tumbling along unaware of this horrible thing looming.
Aside from the decision that I need to make on letting my sister know, my concern is how should I be around my wife? I truly think I am a much better person right now than I have ever been. My wife said she has noticed this. She stated that she was planning on divorcing me regardless of the other guy but decided she could live with me for the kids sake since I have been so nice to be around since the bomb drop. ...she just doesn't want to be in love with me again as she put it. I'm not sure what to do with that...do I keep being the best I can be spending as much time as a family as I can, or do I go out with friends and show her what shed be missing?
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Now for the next hurtle in this awful story...my annual family trip is next week. Every year, my parents, sisters and I get our families together at a lake or beach house for 4 days or so.
Yep, my BIL will be there. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. Usually I look forward to this trip, but this year I'd rather not go...
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
