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This looks like such a harsh rollercoaster... I'm very sorry for you, stacey9. It can't be easy to handle emotionally, especially as it's taking you back to a place of suffering that you thought you had left.

Looking at things from the outside, and with the full arc of his recent behavior, it's hard not to wonder whether this could ever be the kind of man that you deserve. When he lost access to OW, he came to you, then he want back to her when he regained access. He's not a loyal or faithful man. He's looking out for himself with little regard for the emotions of others. That's how he's been, that's how he is — chances are that's how he'll be in a year, two or ten. If you were to R with a man like this, this is what you'd be facing. Is it even possible that he'd become a different person, attached, respectful, loving?

I understand what you say about the attraction. One of the reasons why I limit all contacts with STBX is that I don't want to feel it. I know this woman would stand in the way of my healing and life in general if I let her, even just into my head, my heart or my bed. It was very painful to do, it still is, but I had to remove her from my being. She was 10 years of my life — there will be 70 without her when all is said and done. I'm saying that because perhaps you should see every contact with him, even if he showed (temporary) signs of truly wanting to R, as a step back to a place where you can't go back.


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Thank you Mozza I agree with everything you said, I don't think he could ever remain faithful.

He told me he is moving back. He said it wasn't going to work out through here and he was missing his old life.

We spoke a bit about our split and he said he thought I was ok with everything as I was so friendly and upbeat when he came round. It's true I did try to be cheerful but I find it hard to believe he thought I was fine with the break up.

He said he was sorry for what happened between us recently and felt guilty. He said he hopes I meet someone who will make me happy as he feels so much for me. He had tears in his eyes.

He also said he hopes we can remain friends and he would still like to do any jobs round the house. I asked what OW would think about that and he hesitated then said something like she would understand.

I feel stronger today, a little foolish but I still don't regret what happened. It's something that felt so right at the time and quite a nice memory to be parting with strange as that sounds.

I don't know if I can be his friend it might be easier to not be in when he visits which I was doing before.

Thanks again for your wisdom x


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Stacy - I think the previous posters have pretty much said it all- but in particular I agree with Mozza when he says you are on a harsh rollercoaster.

One thing I would also point out after reading your posts for quite a while......remember how sure you were that he and OW were living a blissfully happy life in a glamorous city? Well - it turns out that he wasn't so happy after all, right? And picking up and making a major move twice in the space of a year? That doesn't sound very good to me. Whatever he is going through - he is still going through it - don't let him drag you down.

Keep posting Stacy! We want to hear from you.


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(((Stacey)))


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Hi Stacey, I'm sorry to hear that news Sweetie (((((hugs)))) and glad to see that others have posted offering support.

One thing stood out to me from the posts above - you say that you still feel so attracted to him - and also that you don't believe he would be able to be faithful in a R.

Can I ask why it is that you still feel that way when you also know that about him? Why would you be willing to go through potential infidelity trauma again? Wouldn't you always be 'waiting' for the worst to happen again? Don't you deserve better than that? (I think you do!!)

Xx


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Raliced, great to hear from you, hope you give us an update soon. Yes I did always think they had the perfect existence and it seems that wasn't the case. Even though he's going back to OW I still feel they must have had pretty major problems to make him act like he did.

Thanks again for you input Sotto I believe I do deserve better. I've always been attracted to him ever since high school, he is incredibly handsome, clever, funny, and when he focuses his attention on you, you feel like youre the only person in the world. Pathetic but true. He ticks all my boxes. But his faults are all too evident too, he is very critical, bad tempered, and can completely turn every argument around to make it look like it's your fault. He is still blaming me for the break up - my jealousy and insecurity issues. Although I fully accept my part in the split he has been unable to admit his part. He says he gave up trying years ago.

I think he will always be looking for his next thrill as he becomes bored easily. He likes the thrill of the chase which is why I think he pursued me for the last few months - I was not available for him. I was getting on with my life happily, in fact I hadn't seen him for months before he started showing an interest in me.

Although I hadn't put my life on hold waiting for him, at the back of my mind I always hoped he'd regret his decision and realise it was me he loved. For a few months there I believed that to be true. I've read about the fog lifting and I thought that had happened. Sadly not.

Thank you all for the wisdom and support I totally appreciate it.

Thanks for the hugs Maybell xx


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Quote:
when he focuses his attention on you, you feel like youre the only person in the world.


Quote:
he is very critical, bad tempered, and can completely turn every argument around to make it look like it's your fault. He is still blaming me for the break up - my jealousy and insecurity issues.


Do a little reading on Narcissists. It took me a long time after my divorce to really see it, but my ex was a narcissist. Very charming. Super-concerned with how things looked to others. And a master at gaslighting. Appears really concerned and nice on the surface, a true philanthropist - but only when it makes him look good in public. Actually very selfish when it came to helping out anybody in my family who had a legitimate need for some assistance. Lacking in true empathy.

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Stacey, are you still lurking out there? How are you?



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Hi Sunny, yes I'm still here! Thanks so much for checking in on me.

The rollercoaster continues. H is now back living with OW and although he's been friendly and pleasant for the last few weeks there has been no flirting or affection from him at all. Now it seems he wants to get close again. He is flirty and talking about what happened recently between us and how he'd love for it to happen again. What is going on with him?

I thought he must have had a major fall out with OW before which would explain is sudden desire to be with me. But everything certainly appears to be going swimmingly with them both now according to little snippets of info I've heard from the kids. As Mozza said he only showed interest in me when he lost access to her which makes sense but now I just have no idea what's going on in his mind. If OW could hear what he was saying to me I'm pretty sure it would be over between them.

I've not reciprocated in any way and have just tried to stay out of his way as much as possible. Could he be a narcissist as KML thinks?

What would any of you think if your ex suddenly started becoming affectionate again? Would it repulse you?


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Could he be a narcissist as KML thinks?


YES. Is that how you treat someone you truly value?

If my ex started flirting with me I would laugh hysterically. I can't imagine a flirt game strong enough to make me forget how he upended our lives like a snow globe.

Value yourself. Show him what a good woman is worth.


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