Quick run down: October 4 2015 WH states he having an emotional affair with a COW and wants to take it further (he used the guise of polygamy which is allowed in Islam but definitely not under these circumstances) I was 5 months pregnant with our 3rd child. I manage to restore deleted text messahes that indicated a PA and confront WH, he confesses to having sex with 21 year old COW, no prtection and still wants to make her a second wife. My answer was not only no but he// no! I made him promise NC which he broke numerous times before sneding her a NC text in Nox 2015.
Jan 2016: COW/AP returns to work after surgery and WH walks up to her breaks NC just "to talk" the bottom falls out and I spend the entire night threatening to expose them, he begs me to reconsider and I do. At the end of the month I give birth to our son while WH stands in the room but barely interacts with me. February he tells me he does not love me nor wants a future with me, I was destroyed. March he mentions contacting COW to ask her to reconsider him, I send a certified letter to her parents and call inlaws and spill the beans, WH calls and tells me he will do anything to prevent divorce as he doesn't want to lose the kids.
April 2016: I start DBing half way through the month, start GALing while being detached from WH. WH remains cold and sometimes even hostile. I find out in June he had taken the affair underground and even used a burner phone as he knows I keep track of his phone records. COW and him resume sex but she cools towards WH and eventually they stop communicating by end of April.
MAy-June: we start to come together until I get a funny feeling and directly ask him if he had been in touch with AP. He thought I had intel and confessed to April. I crash and burn but quickly put my DBing tools back in place and detach again. WH sees this and starts to realize he is about to lose his wife and children.
Jnue 2016: WH went from deciding to continue to work out of state to complete 180 and is now requesting we piece. He has asked for us to have MC (something he flatly refused before) and showing signs of true remorse. He interviewed for a local job and now plans to move home with me in September. He answers all questions I ask, gives 100% transparency and tells me he will do whatever it takes for however long. He also states he feels extremely worried he will relapse if OW walks back into the picture but states he will call me immediately if this occurs. It's not perfect but I think there is hope.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I love seeing progress as many of the stories here are sad and have moved to far for piecing (such as mine)
Your a strong person as I have been lurking around your sitch and posted a few times. I must say having 3 youngsters and doing what you are doing is amazing and I congratulate you for sticking in there. I am not sure how he could/would do what he has to be quite honest with the 3 young ones to begin with...sorry if that sounds harsh
What type of MC will you be doing? I hope its about really reconnecting at the core as I have had friends and myself who have gone thru some very blah MC. One of my relatives had tremendous success with EFT (emotionally focused therapy).
Glad there is hope and keep strong!
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Like rich4j says you are extremely strong to take on all this with little ones and pregnant even.
You're H seem like a real scum for doing all that to you. Are you sure you want him back? Make sure you make him work his a$$ for it. He better be treating you like a queen to have any chance back in the M.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Good news on the positive turn, Sara. But like what the others have said, be cautiously optimistic.
What do you think had worked for you so far? This is what I think; please feel free to add to it:
Being strong and keeping it together for your kids Being positive without lashing out Effective 180s - keeping your cool, flirting with your H, turning the sexy on
Keep doing the things that worked. Monitor and adapt along the way.
Your H is being honest with you about the attraction of the OW. Did you validate and thank him? It does take a lot to express remorse, acknowledge hurt and to admit his attraction to OW.
Maybe you could say something like you understand it may take some time for him to get over the OW, and ask how you can make the process easier for him.
Have you come up with a transparency plan? Did you tell him about what you need from him?
Phew!
Take it slow, Sara. Trust but verify. Btw, I think it is important that your H knows that you will be verifying his statements. Make sure that your H is backing his words with actions.
This is JMO, but I think there's a fine line between making sure your H is doing the work to repair and build a better M, and punishing him for the A. A smart gal like you will know where to draw the line.
BTW, how are your GALs coming along? I think GALing and PMA help keep your H on his toes and not take you for granted because you're not needy and clingy.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Rich, I looked for (and found) a Gottman based MC with EFT training and technique. Her prices are pretty steep but divorce is more expensive so I look at it as an investment.
Natus, It's like there are two people inside my WH, the loving, caring man I married vs. this selfish, arrogant body snatcher that has emerged. I don't want the latter back and will not accept a cheater back into my marriage. I deserve a trustworthy, hard working, HONEST husband and will wait (not forever) for him to emerge.
SH, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I am impatient by nature so a HUGE 180 is waiting, waiting waiting.
Jksd, That was extremely helpful advice/direction. I hit a bit of a bump last night so I will update below and look forward to any insights my DBing friends can provide.
WH was telling me about his struggles when thinking about OW. He said if she came to his door now he would ask her to speak to her parents and if they were ok then he would go ahead and marry her (as a second wife.) Of course this put my into a pretty bad funk and I told WH that it woldn't be as a second wife but as his only wife as I would divorce. WE got into a bit of a squabble as he felt he can't verbalize his fears/desires as it sets me off. I, on the other hand, feel he needs to remember I am a human being and not just some piece of furniture that can be used and then cast aside when a newer, shiner one comes along. This spiraled into an argument where I reminded him about the lies that started this whole fiasco (he initally denied any sex between him and OW when bringing up second wife) and he said it wasn't lying but rather "hiding." At that point I just needed space and got up and slept in the spare room.
Good thing I have a DBing coaching session today because I am at an impasse with how to handle WH's inability to face his demons. As long as he can't acknowledge and work through the behaviors and mindset which led him to cheat then I have no guarantee that he won't cheat again. He still feels he did everything with "good intentions" and is pretty foggy. Of course I lost a lot of sleep last night while autopsying the conversation but have locked 180 back in place.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sandi may be able to share some thoughts. I know she helps out the LBH with WW, but so much of what you share makes your WH sound as if he has the same thoughts, addiction and behaviors.
I don't have any practical advice except for keep your focus on you and the children. Your H really needs an IC to help him sort his head out I would say.
((((Sara))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Good job, you handled it well. You set your boundary and commanded respect. I am praying for you. You are a strong and amazing woman. Arguments are ok, and your quickness to recover to get back to your 180s is awesome!
Keep it up girl!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Oh man, it must really hurt for you to hear that from your H. The pendulum is still swinging.
I must put this as a disclaimer: I totally svck at holding my tongue and my snarky remarks in. So, I know how hard it is to be in your position.
(((Sara)))
What I am asking you to do is actually not within my ability, but you sound so much stronger than me.
Hold onto your strength and your sass, and your boundaries.
Tell him very calmly that you appreciate him being honest with you. Say that you love your H and your family but you will not share your H with another woman.
I do agree that he must eventually face his demons and cut off the OW.
Maybe other dbers can step in to help? What did your db coach say?
Sara, is it possible to get babysitters for your kids and step up on your GAL to take your mind off things a little?
You've been through a lot in a very ahort time and sweetie, you need a break now. Doing nothing is also an action. If you're not sure about how to act, then don't for the time being.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
SH, Alas he still is very opposed to IC but he has shown interest in reading the Nice Guy book. I think if he follows through then maybe it will help him work through his poor coping skills and maladaptive behavior. Hope spring eternal, eh?
JimKao, I think surprised my WH by doing the 180 the next day. I used to give him the aloof, cold treatment for days after arguments but the next morning I was bright and happpy with him. I even continued to use affection and he actually thanked me for my kindness. I like keeping him guessing instead of finding his assumptions were true about me. WAS are notorious for thinking their beliefs about their spouses are unshakable. When we consistently prove their assumptions wrong through behavior then it forces them to realize their thinking may not be the final word of authority.
JksD, I am listening, I really am. I have told my WH very clearly that I will not share my husband with anyone. While he feels he can re-nig on his promises I simply will not be a party to his editing. My Db coach states I handled everything very well and I should continue staying the course. He also encouraged me to take more care of myself now that I have the resources to do so.
This week has been pretty good. We bought fireworks and set them off while the kids squealed and jumped around. We also bought a LOT of furniture and necessities for my home. Slowly but surely I am building my nest and getting settled in. My WH made the offer to sell one of his cars off so I could buy a nice new car to drive back and forth to work. I felt very conflicted about this and asked my DBing coach bluntly for advice. He felt that my WH needs to feel needed, he felt this was a way to build attachment and said it would likely be beneficial to allow WH to do something nice for me.
Since WH will be gone for 3 weeks (he will be returning for two short days this week for Eid) then I said I will decide when he returns. WH also thanked me for dressing so sexy while he's home as he says it reminds him of what he has at home. I smiled seductively and told him we could always FaceTime while he's away and "feed his craving." His eyes almost popped out of his head, this is very unlike me, I think he may come to love the 180.
I am having a fun time driving him crazy with my sexy. I also struggle with intrusive thoughts about the OW and if she tries to slither back into the picture. But I have no control over her or WH and can only be classy, sexy and intelligent. If WH can't see my worth then he is about smart as a box of hair.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
