Cease and Desist will stop them cold. Make it clear that both you and your W demand no further contact from them or face the consequences. If your W has a problem with that then I think you have a much bigger problem that has not been resolved and your sweeping it under the rug hoping it goes away will only fuel it.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Hey LiM... I took a mall hiatus from the forums for a bit and just checking to see how things are going... It seems like yourstory with OM and OM W is still trying to finds ways to linger around...
In regards to this: the email from OM, the 'confessing' of his actions to other clients, etc... I agree heavily with what others have already said. While he may be regretful, he may also be finding any way he can think of to prolong the drama of what has happened. This could be in hopes that he is still holding that door open, regardless of his words to his and your W, and thinks that the more people that find out, know, talk about it, may somehow keep that connection alive for the future.
I think you did the right thing in saying you do not plan to speak with OM about this 'at this time.' Maybe in the future you can, but I wouldn't even consider thinking about that right now. You and your W have enough on your plate as is, while you all need to focus on yourselves, rebuilding, etc... OM and his W should be focusing on themselves. The relationship between the two "couples" is not a priority right now, and while forgiveness does need to happen at some point in the future, that's not what you should be focusing on WITH the other couple involved.
Cut all contact, tell them you will not be responding to anything. If your W is good with this decision, then it should all go as planned, painlessly. If she resists, and continues to communicate with them, then it's time to adjust boundaries from "couple to couple", to "W to couple"...
Stay strong, your story is one that has influenced me quite a bit in these recent weeks. You've been doing what is right for you, you need to keep doing that.
Had a bit of a break through with my W this afternoon. We sat at a bar & grill for a solid 3 hours, if not 4 and talked. We talked about a lot of things but we definitely talked about the most recent issues. She told me "You're right, you're right." To know my W, you would know that is a BIG deal for her to be able to tell me I was "right" about something. Its very clear to me from the things she has said, even today, that she feels an obligation to "fix" their M and what she has done. She is a "fixer." That is what she does. But she does that in lieu of fixing her own problems. She recognizes that and told me it was ok to call her out when she is doing that. This is the reason she feels she needs to keep a R with OM's W. I gently and lovingly reminded her that it is not her responsibility to fix their problems. She has done all that is required; she expressed true remorse to OM's W. Her obligations end at that point because their is nothing else she can do. The damage has been done. It is now up to OM to fix the R with his W. My W's only responsibility is to me and my only responsibility is to her. I told my W that I don't have a need to be "right" about anything. My only concern is about finding a way forward; finding a way to heal. Who is right and who is wrong is the wrong conversation to be having. We both have our $hit that we are responsible for and each of us is accountable for just those things and only to each other. Everything else is irrelevant.
My W does have an IC and my W told me tonight that her IC said OM's W is "crazy" and that my W shouldn't have anything to do with her. But I guess her sense of obligation to repair the damage she has done out weighted the advice of the professional and the other advice my W has received.
But in my case, I'm seeing that patience is paying off. My W is not a bad person. She's made a horrible mistake. Its been a very painful mistake to have to live with but its one that I am willing to work through so long as my W continues to do what she needs to do. I feel that it is better to let her come into the truth on her own, in her own way and in her own time instead of trying to force MY version of the truth onto her. In the end, I think she will appreciate my strength and patience more as she sees that on her own than if I try to force it on her.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I've recently realized that I have never been a leader in my home. I've just been a guy that lived there and provided for his family. But I've not been a leader and not been one to set an example. I'm not willing to be that person anymore either. I intend to be a leader and example to my W and two teenage daughters. I will be a man that they will be proud of
I absolutely love what you wrote here. I haven't actually seen it discussed on these boards, but it speaks volumes. Leadership is the most difficult of roles and a man that is invested enough in his family to take that role on, is truly a man. I am so impressed. Your wife and children are very lucky. And I too feel sorry for OMs family. Can you discuss more what leadership of a family means to you?
I feel that while a leader should always take into consideration everyone's needs and concerns, he ultimately has to make a decision based on what's best for the family unit. Decisions have to be made regardless of being popular, or appeasing or impressing one particular individual. In order to follow, those must know they can trust that your decisions are made with wisdom and confidence and from a good and loving place. Does meeting with and accepting an apology from OM do anything to meet needs of the family unit?
I agree with you and everyone else in that I too would want OM and OM's wife completely out of my life. I have even read on other marriage advice sites that in cases of affairs, it's advised to actually move away from OP ( not that it's really possible with teenage daughters).
I had yet another pretty significant breath through with my W last night. After leaving the bar and grill we were at, my W stopped at the store to get some things for our daughters (we were in separate cars). I didn't know she was doing that and wondered why it was taking her so long to get home so I looked up her location. I saw that she was driving by OM's house. We live only about a mile and a half apart. I thought maybe she was going to try and talk to OM's W. But she just drove by and came home. I called her out on it and asked why she did that. She seemed very irritated and angry (not for me calling her out). She said she didn't know why she did it and then made a comment about their yard and how it was so perfect from the outside but she knew nothing was right on the inside.
She then got in the shower and asked me to come in with her. At that point she completely broke down and she began crying in a way that I had never seen before. I saw more despair in her than at any other time through this whole ordeal or even ever. She cried uncontrollably for over 10 minutes. I just stood there and held her. We finally got out of the shower and she was still crying so hard and upset that she couldn't even speak. I laid with her on the bed until she was able to start settling down. She apologized to me again. Told me she was sorry for what she had done. She told me that she now realizes that she can't "fix" their M. She can't fix what she did. The guilt she feels compels her to try and make it right but she now sees that its not her job and even if it was, there is nothing she can do. She admitted that she feels worthless because she can't "fix" other peoples problems. She feels like a failure. She tried to "fix" me our entire R. I had plenty of problems that needed fixing but she was incapable of fixing them and it wasn't her job to do that. It was MY job to fix MY issues. I had to come to that realization on my own and that is what I have done through the DB process.
Last night was an important step for my W. I see that she is still struggling to come to grips with everything. I can push her to the place she needs to be. She's got to get there on her own. All I can do is be the lighthouse.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
Can you discuss more what leadership of a family means to you?
JujuB,
I think for me, it means being the lighthouse. It means being physically and emotionally present for my W and D's. It means showing them that I care about their struggles and that I am there to support them through their hardships in whatever way they need me. It means talking to them about my hardships and conflicts and how I handle them. It means showing my family that I treat others with kindness and respect regardless no matter how bad of a day that I'm having. You could probably write a whole book on what it means to be a leader (and I am sure there are books) but to me, I think it boils down to a leader is someone you go to for advice, guidance, help and support. A leader is someone you know you can trust in all things. A leader is someone you choose to follow because you know you can rely on them to always have your back.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Just curious, was there heavy drinking at this bar & grill? tears of guilt and tears of love can be easily confused, even more-so by the one crying that the one being sympathetic.
Was your W the kind of person that was always trying to fix other people's problems before the A? Or is this just something she's feels and obligation towards because she was part of what caused the problem?
Can you discuss more what leadership of a family means to you?
JujuB,
I think for me, it means being the lighthouse. It means being physically and emotionally present for my W and D's. It means showing them that I care about their struggles and that I am there to support them through their hardships in whatever way they need me. It means talking to them about my hardships and conflicts and how I handle them. It means showing my family that I treat others with kindness and respect regardless no matter how bad of a day that I'm having. You could probably write a whole book on what it means to be a leader (and I am sure there are books) but to me, I think it boils down to a leader is someone you go to for advice, guidance, help and support. A leader is someone you know you can trust in all things. A leader is someone you choose to follow because you know you can rely on them to always have your back.
I'm not really a religious person, but in my search for hope in all this, I stumbled across Reb Bradley and familyministries<dot>com. He has an audio program there called "Captains of the Storm" that talks about this topic exactly. It's based around how to be the stronghold leader for your family (vessel), and even though I don't have a "family" to be the leader of at the moment, I'm not a father, etc. The things he talks about are invaluable to any man that wants to better his life and those people who are around him. I'm not advertising, but it's well worth the measly 50 bucks or whatever he wants for a donation.
Just curious, was there heavy drinking at this bar & grill? tears of guilt and tears of love can be easily confused, even more-so by the one crying that the one being sympathetic.
Was your W the kind of person that was always trying to fix other people's problems before the A? Or is this just something she's feels and obligation towards because she was part of what caused the problem?
There was drinking involved but neither of us was wasted. We probably each had 4 beers over the 3-4 hours that we were there. The tears are for a multitude of reason. I cry for the pain I've experienced because of her choices. My W cries not only for what she did to me but also for what she did to another family and even for what she did to herself. She cheapened herself with the A. She gave away her worthiness to someone that wasn't worthy. If I have to be honest, her grief is probably greater than mine and it probably should be if she is a good and decent person that is trying to make amends for what she did. I believe she is a good and decent person.
My W is definitely a "fixer." She's spent her whole life avoiding her own issues and instead tried to fix other peoples problems. She readily admits, and I saw it in the FB exchanges she had with OM, that she actually thought she was HELPING him with is M. That of course is absurd because you can't help a person with their M while you are sleeping with them. But that is what she thought she was doing. The fog was that thick. Even now, she's still struggling with learning that she doesn't have to fix everyone. Yesterday, before all this stuff happened, I spoke with her on the phone and she was still talking about "We need to help them; we need to show them that they aren't healing properly; we need to show them how to do it." (I don't believe OM and his W are getting any kind of professional help). My W is now seeing that we can't help them. There is nothing we can do for them. Its not our job. Its not our duty or obligation. They have to find their own way and that way doesn't include us in any way, shape or form.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
It's good your W sees now that she can't help them. Maybe it'd be useful for your 'third party' to help your wife see that if it wasn't her that did what she did to their family, it would've been someone else... I'm glad you and your W are seeming to continue and work things out in a positive way. There, of course, will always be setbacks, but it's important to keep your eye on the prize and know what you're working for... both of you.
