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SH, I hear exactly what you are saying. Take a deep breath, and do what you need to do. I am here and will be for the duration. There is no rush to do anything at all. Just hang in there and know you have someone out there in this big world that is pulling for you and wishing you healing and health and peace.

Pencil smiles, my dear SparrowHawk.

(((((((((((Savvy Heart)))))))))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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(((SH)))

Yes, it does seem surreal the (not so?) sudden changes.

When the thoughts and emotions threaten to overwhelm, what could you do to make yourself feel better?


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Originally Posted By: Phoebe
SH, I hear exactly what you are saying. Take a deep breath, and do what you need to do. I am here and will be for the duration. There is no rush to do anything at all. Just hang in there and know you have someone out there in this big world that is pulling for you and wishing you healing and health and peace.

Pencil smiles, my dear SparrowHawk.

(((((((((((Savvy Heart)))))))))))





Also

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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SH,

I think you have done great in the time you are here. You have also made many friends and have helped a lot of people.

I suggest that maybe you need to take some time for YOU.PPosting on others threads is often therapeutic as we can formulate our thinking without being attached. But at times being here can actually be counter productive. It can hold you back or bring you down, often without realising it.

Make the decision to do what you need to do for YOU. You realise you have lost your direction a little. Decide now what direction you want to take. Make long, medium and short term goals for yourself.Include some fun.

Realise you can take as long as you need.TThere is no rush.

Come back here when suits you, be that in a few hours or weeks. But do come back.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Just dropping in to let you know I'm still here, sending hugs and positive energy out to the land of SparrowHawks.

((((SH))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
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Driving by to check up on you, one step, my friend, one step at a time.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Thank you Phoebe, Jksd, roist, Sara, and Lady V for checking in on me. I do have some thoughts on the wisdom and thoughts you have shared with me.

But tonight I write because the anger of the WAW has reared its head again after many weeks of calm.
I do not have to see nor communicate with her often except in short passings for drop offs with d5.
I do hear tales of difficult interactions of WAW and d17. These have caused breakdowns and panic attacks for d17. I say the interactions may be triggers as d17 has now gone a whole week without a breakdown nor panic attack and curiously enough she has not been to see nor spent anytime with her mother.

Well this blew up starting yesterday due to a decision I made. I had d5 Monday and Tuesday this week. Normally when I go to work WAW will have d5 during the day as she is a school teacher and out for summer break. D17 has mentioned how she missed her sister as her work and activities have left her with little time together. D17 had nothing going on on Tuesday so I decided that she could hang out with D5 while I was at work. I advised WAW that I would not be dropping d5 off Tuesday as I had made other arrangements. She promptly asked, did you take the day off in her sarcastic tone and look. For whatever reason this caught me off guard ( although it should not have) and in my desire not to get into a conversation or debate, I responded yeah.
Ugh....I knew right away as she mumbled under her breath and walked off that things would blow up somehow some way. frown

Well my daughters were excited to spend time together and had a blast. They sent me texts and photos all day of the fun they were having.
When I got home yesterday, d17 tells me her mother sent several odd texts and called several times. She wanted to know where I was and why I was not taking d17 to the doctor as she was not feeling well. D17 try to avoid the questions about where I was, but finally told her mother that I had stepped out for a moment.
I talked to d17 about why she felt she told her mother that. She said that her mom was being all weepy and woe is me and did not want to deal with her mother. I then discussed how she does not need to cover for me and if her mother grills her on what I am doing or where I am at then she can direct her to me.

Then today d17 decided she needed to go see the doc as her sinus infection had not cleared up. I told her I would get her an appointment. She said she could ask her mother if she could take her. I asked if she was sure she wanted to do so. She said yes.
Long story short, her mother was in a mood, cried at one point, said she did not feel wanted and that d17 did not need to come visit her on Friday for her birthday because it was just another day.

Then the fireworks begin as I received a text around noon from WAW saying that d5 had told her that I was at work yesterday and that I was a liar. Then 30 minutes later she called and left a voice message for d17 on my phone. Then she left another message for me asking me to call her.

When I got home d17 said her mother called and yelled, cried, yelled and then told her she loved her. I did not ask details of the conversation.

I called after getting some things done and left a message. WAW called and then laid into me.
Called me a liar, told me that I am manipulating d17, that I am breaking the terms of the d. And she would be talking to her lawyer. She said that she gets first right when I need d5 to be tended when I have work. I reminded her that when I have my days with d5 that her permission for everything is not needed. I told her that I do not question all of the times she leaves d5 with her brother while she runs off to do whatever it is she does. She said its non of my business what she does when she has our d. I replied that is correct. D goes both ways. And then she said I am not even paying her daycare nor child support. I reminded her that the d is not finalized and that is why I look for alternative options so that she does not feel she is taking it all on. I finally told her that we could talk at a later time when she was not calling me names and accusing me of so many things that do not add up. I then bid her good night.
She called back and screamed more, went down the same path of statements and accusations. I replied that I could tell she was upset, but that I would not listen talk any longer while she was upset and screaming at me.

Ugh... She so can smash my buttons and no matter how I try I can't handle how she makes me double and triple think everything I do.

I won't go Ito all of the imbalance of expectations between things now as I will not be a victim, but I will draw a line in the sand as my every decision and move is scrutinized by her as she interrogates my daughters to know what I am doing.

I am not a perfect man. I make many mistakes. But I am not trying to make her life miserable with every decision and action that I make. I was a confident young man once. I start to wonder if so many years of this behavior in small doses has bled that confidence from me.

So I am going to head off to sleep and pray that my mind can stay calm and that I can raise in the morning with renewed strength and energy.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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I am no expert but IMO you did v good.

Her birthday comment about d17 not to bother coming strikes me as a pity party looking for sympathy/pity/some emotional response that she no longer should get from a "fired H".

Other aspects of this also indicate she is attention seeking. Stand firm. Do not rush in to make her feel better. She made thus mess, she needs to figure it out. Give her the time and space she needs.

You made a decision based on what was best for your daughters.TThat was a good decision.In the future avoid lying/even white lying. Firstly there is no need and secondly she could turn lies against you. If you don't want to tell her your plans, don't. But avoid telling her mis-truths.

Although disagreeable to be on the receiving end, IMO anger is not necessarily a bad sign. It is way better than indifference. Validate as much as possible but just as importantly do not let her talk to you in an unacceptable way. You seemed to do that just fine.

When attacked it is normal to fight back. Control that urge. Don't be walked over but don't add fuel to that fire either. Normally it burns itself out quicker if left alone. She accused you of manipulating your girls. From everything you have written it is obvious you are not. You know this to be true. You do not need to convince her. In fact maybe you couldn't ever confince her at the moment. So it is a waste of time and effort to even try.AAs I said you know the truth. Let that be enough.

If anyone is manipulating your kids it is WAW. Do not ho on the attack over that. It would be so easy to do so. It will only add to the conflict and further convince her of how you are against her. The battle will only escalate into a full out war. That is in no ones interest. As long as daughters are not being hurt, let it slide. Be prepared to step up if they need protection.

You are letting her make you rethink every move. That is within your power to change.Take that power back. Do not let her reactions determine your decisions. Decide what is best each decision and leave it at that. Easy words to write but harder to do. I know that, but I also know you can do it.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: May 2016
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I agree with roist, you handled this very well. She is trying to control your moves and is finding that separation/divorce means she no longer gets the rights to your day-to-day decisions. She wants to be able to cut you off from her life but feels it's her right to have access to yours.

I think you were given the opportunity to DB and you did it wonderfully. Good job, SH.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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(((SH)))

Ugh. I hate spews. And I would either cower in fear or fight back and go for the jugular. You did extremely well, SH.

Roist gave good advice. Please don't let your W bleed you dry of that confidence.

What do you think you can do to get your sexy back?


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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