Re: Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 3

[PsySara]

Painter,
There needs to be studies done on WSes when they are in affairs, like brain scans or something. If I had been told my WH was capable of his words and behaviors before I witnessed it, I would have told anyone they were crazy. It was something I had to see to believe. Sometimes I will have a flashback of something he said or how his face looked while in the affair and I feel my heart plunge, it was like he was possessed.

JksD,
WH sometimes takes two steps forward but then retreats one step bacl, still, it's progress.

Tonight we had a short, prescheduled talk on the phone. I was thinking of cancelling it as my mood is a bit blue today and I didn't want to start an argument. However WH called after a half-hearted text from me and asked what was up. It kind of poured out of me, quietly and tearfully. I told him it felt like my heart was literally hurting sometimes. I thought our relationship was special and one of a kind. I thought he would never, ever treat someone else as important (or more important ) than me. At first he said he only treated me special. I told him it didn't feel that way from my end. I waited three years while his parents balked because I was a different race. However he only knew OW for 2 weeks before he proposed to her, had sex with her and was apparently willing to fight his parents for her. He was quiet for a minute and then acknowledged that I was right, that he violated a sacred trust. He understands how I could feel "replaced." He then said, "I don't really remember her very clearly anymore."

I told him this actually worried me as he has a tendency to repress stuff and then repeat behavior. He asked to clarify and then said,"What I mean is I don't think about her appearance, our conversations, our activities together. I don't even really feel much about her anymore. I have trouble remembering what I felt for her. However, I will never forget what this has done to you, how you are in so much pain because of what I've done."

I sat there in stunned silence. This, this is what I was waiting for. While I don't think he is 100% "there" yet he is rapidly approaching true remorse. I started crying and thanked him, told him that those words were very helpful and that i actually felt better. He quickly told me to please tell him whatever I needed from him to feel better. I told him that just the fact that he was willing to try was a huge deal to me. I told him I wasn't carrying a list around of what I expected from him, I told him I was still trying to find a list of what I expected from myself.

I was very vulnerable with him tonight and I have to say, he handled it wonderfully. Our convo was only about 20 minutes long as he is working night shift and had some very sick patients. He did say he was looking forward to coming home on Monday as he missed us. He asked if I could request the nanny to stay late a few evenings so he and I could go out together. He also has a 2 hour intake with an IC next week. I gotta say, I am kind of stunned at the sudden turnaround. I will continue to work on me and make myself the best Sara here is. Maybe we will be a "success story" on DBing. Regardless I will come out a winner.

[J5K]

Sara,

I am so happy to hear that your conversation went well.
There are a lot of positive comments made by your H which is good. I pray that he backs them up with actions.

I wish I knew what else to say other than you need to change your screen name to SexySara, SuperSara, SmartSara, SuperbSara! You are a Supermom and your H will be very lucky if he can do the work required to save the M.

[JksD]

All this sounds great! I am happy for you, Sara. You have fought the good fight and you deserve this.

(((Sara)))

I am proud of your H for stepping up to the plate.

I am starting to sound like a nag but I hope you thanked H for his reassurances.

[PsySara]

Jim,
Like I said, he makes two steps forward and then regresses one step back. Last night he was telling me how hard it is to see women at his work wearing blue scrubs, with a certain hair color, a certain height. (all reminders of OW) He also said he felt like he gave up his soul mate. *sigh* I may have not been able to effectively DBer last night but WH seems to be letting me slide a bit so I am not going to be too hard on myself.

JksD,
I did thank WH for his reassurances, he says he feels bad when I do that. I told him I realized how hard it is to do this kind of self examination.

Last night was a bit of a mixed bag, WH was distant and aloof again. I was a little frustrated because he wasn't even trying to talk. So I cut the convo short and went to bed. Unfortunately I woken around 11:30 for an emergency with a patient. When I managed to drift back off to sleep the baby woke me at 2:30 am. Then I was really irritated and texted WH asking if he was busy. (he specifically asked me to call him on nights I can't sleep. I told him my concerns; that he was withdrawing, not communicating. That was when he told me about an argument he got in with another physician. He mentioned struggling against triggers that reminded him of the OW. He mentioned feeling like he lost his soul mate. At that point I slipped and told him I would not shed a tear if OW died a horrible death. I told him OW was a selfish, moral-less girl-woman who was not worth the dirt on my shoes. WH was...not amused. I frankly did not care. I told him there is no way you meet your soul mate in three weeks. I told him it was limerance and nothing more than a bunch of chemicals in the brain. I told him I couldn't be the person who could listen to feelings he still had for OW. I was more than willing to hear his concerns about me and our relationship but I could not respect the "relationship" he had with OW in the past. WH backed down and said he understood.

WH sees the IC this week for a 2 hour intake and I am praying fervently he can start working through this. I have hit my limit being his counselor and need to step back. Today I did some mental exercises when I began to ruminate about the affair and it helped break up the cycle. It helps that I am so unbelievably busy at my new job that I can barely find time to jam food at lunch time. I need to carve out time to talk to my DBing coach but it is challenging with my very full schedule.

[Vanilla]

Sara it's ok you know to say your boundaries.

You are allowed them too.

OW are scuzzies and OM are rat bags.

Feel very sorry for them indeed. To be pond scum with no hope for any future decent R with anyone.

In my view they are not worth even thinking about.

V

[JksD]

Good that you stood up for yourself wrt to listening to H's feelings about OW. Good that your H respects your decision as well.

I guess there should be a line btw being validating and being his C for his A.


However, perhaps your H could warn you whenever he is mourning the loss of ow (yucks, I know that really is disgusting), and perhaps you could give him some space and not take this personally.

He has to know that you are allowing him space and time to grieve, although he should work through the actual grieving process with his C.

[JksD]

Btw, I totally agree with your assessment of the ow.

[J5K]

Like I said, he makes two steps forward and then regresses one step back. Last night he was telling me how hard it is to see women at his work wearing blue scrubs, with a certain hair color, a certain height. (all reminders of OW) He also said he felt like he gave up his soul mate. *sigh* I may have not been able to effectively DBer last night but WH seems to be letting me slide a bit so I am not going to be too hard on myself.

Sara,

2-1=1 so that is one step forward. Always a positive sign. I hope over time it continues that way and the fog lifts from WH.

You are a good DB'er. Way better than I am. It sounds like you stay very busy and so what, you made some mistakes, overall still sounds like a good day, you set your boundaries, WH recognizes and seems to somewhat respect them.

Baby steps and patience is what you have on your side.

[PsySara]

Vanilla,
We definitely agree on our thoughts of OW, they really are the lowest of the low. I actually called her on the phone after finding out about the second affair (she had previously texted me profusely apologizing after I exposed her to her parents. She promised to never go near my H again, a week later they were sleeping together again. I gave her every insult under the sun and then told her to go get her head examined, that a normal person doesn't chase after married men. I won't lie, it felt good) Since then I don't really care where or what she is doing.

JksD,
Since WH is starting IC this week I am hereby letting go of trying to be his counselor. I have been frank with him that I can't tolerate hearing about his "love" for the OW anymore.

Jim,
I have never been a patient woman but this DBing has been a baptism in fire. I have had to learn to step back and not act on my emotions at the moment. IT has been a long, hard journey but I think DBing has made me a better person overall.

Last night WH and I had about a 30 minute talk. Initially he tried to lob the convo into my lap but I told him I felt like I was doing most of the heavy lifting and if he wasn't interested in talking we could just call it a night. I wasn't angry or anything but rather feeling very detached. WH started communicating (finally!) and was saying he was trying to force himself to fall in love with me. I told him that forcing it would most likely result in the opposite desired result. I calmly informed him that I would be okay walking away from our marriage. I told him I was secure in the fact that I could parent alone and would be just fine on my own. I told him if he was doing everything out of guilt then it most likely would fail.

He said he didn't want to lose me because I was a "good woman, a perfect wife but I just didn't have the same feelings for you as the OW." I told him this felt like I was a plan B and I felt I should be the only plan. I told him if we were in the same place emotionally and relationship-wise by the end of the year that I would probably let go of the rope and file. The entire time I was saying this I was speaking gently and calmly . He said he felt very guilty and prayed every night to fall in love with me. He said he felt extremely confused and conflicted because he knew I was a "sure bet" but he just can't connect with me. I validated his feelings but also made it clear I could not sustain this limbo forever. I was clear that if I am married I need to know I am married to someone who loves me completely and without conditions. I need to feel safe that I would not be betrayed again and I needed 100% honesty.

There was a lot more said but that is the overall gist of it. The conversation actually had a loving tone the whole time and no arguing or anger. He actually thanked me for the conversation at the end. I thanked him for making time to talk (he is working nights right now) and being so open with me. He did say he felt my DBing coach was the person who made all the difference. I gotta say I agree with WH on that respect. I really need to find time for another session.

[J5K]

Sara,

I am happy to hear your conversation went well. You set your boundaries and it sounds like he understands and is willing to do some work.

Although maybe not all his actions show 100% respect for you, he is making an effort.

I will continue to pray for you and your family.

(((Sara)))