You are going to come out of this on top no matter what he finally decides to do. He is one lucky dude to have a W like you that stands for marriage and family the way you do. With all of your sass and sexy there will be no shortage of bright future for you no matter what happens.
I hope I get the chance to shake your hand someday, because what I see from you know from what I saw when you first joined this community is absolutely amazing. Enjoy the festive weekend and keep on doing your thing girl.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
SH, Thank you so much, that helped my sometimes waning ego.
WH had to return to his work state last evening and he called quite a bit. He is very nervous that OW might try to come back and he has been frank that he is not sure how he will react. Strangely enough I am not as anxious as he is. We did have a poorly timed R conversation before he left and it almost spiraled into an argument. But WH did step up to the plate and tell me a few things that helped my concerns. He said I was worthy of fighting for, that while his love for me is different than the lave he felt for OW he believes his love for me is more wholesome and appropriate. He even used words like "selfish love" when describing what he felt for OW. I tried to keep my lips zipped and occasionally validate.
One thing that has helped me immensely in DBing is the thought to make the marriage a good place for WH to be and make his affair relationship a bad place. While my exposure went counter to DBing techniques my WH says that OW cooled towards him considerably when I exposed her towards her parents. He says they no longer went out to eat or to places together because she was afraid someone would see them. The April affair ended without any interference from me as the fantasy bubble popped and OW was probably realizing how unsustainable their relationship was.
When I think of the OW I feel pity (with anger of course) because she is so damaged she was willing to take a married man's leftovers instead of forming a healthy relationship with an available man. She is still very young and appears to have a string of poor decision making when choosing men. I don't spend too much time thinking of her as she isn't the problem, my WH's actions are/were.
In the meantime I am going to be GAL this week. I need to start studying for the techniques and method of treating patients in the inpatient setting. I also will be finding a waxing parlor that can make me less bear-like. I also need to find a financial advisor as well as a lawyer who can look over my business contract. There a lot of odds and ends I need to get sorted before starting work on the 18th. I am both excited and anxious about becoming an Attending physician.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
JksD, One of the treats for myself when I get ore financially settled is to get electrolysis done. Be gone hairy legs!
WH comes back tonight and will be staying for two days for the Eid holidays. Previously I was always very anxious before he came, I wasn't sure how to behave detached but not cold. Now I think I've learned detachment much better and know how to do it. I can't control his behaviors or thoughts and I know I am doing all I can for our marriage while simultaneously taking care of me.
I do have occasional (ok, very often) bouts of anger/rage when thinking of how selfish and disrespectful he has been even as recently as April. Then I get these waves of sadness when I think about how intimacy will never again be something he only shared with me. I get so hurt when I think how he betrayed me. While he appears to have the making of a remorseful spouse he still has a long way to go. He still makes excuses or "reasons" why he cheated, the only thing acceptable to me is if he owns his betrayal completely and can realize how much he screwed up. Still a long way off frankly.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You deserve to have the bouts of anger. If channeled well, it will do wonders for you. My guess is that you are benefiting from it already in the manner that you are marching forward with conviction and sass.
Keep on keeping on, and let me know if the electrolysis works. I have some hairy legs that maybe I should smooth out before taking up the pole dancing JksD speaks so often of. teehee
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Agree with SH on the correct channelling of anger. You're using it to keep on keeping on.
As for the A, perhaps you could reframe it by thinking of the OW as someone your H slept with before he M you? If your H is serious about piecing, it will help to not give the OW any real estate space in your head.
I hope that your H will eventually realise what it is that he stands to miss and shape up first. My guess is that he is trying to deflect his guilt by giving excuses. He probably knows he's screwed up big time but just can't own it yet.
Btw, I feel that it may be more important to watch his behaviour rather than wait for a spoken apology. If he's willing to do the work required for piecing and healing, that is way better than any spoken apology.
SH, man it up and just try waxing first!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
OMG SH, the image of you getting your legs zapped for pole dancing had me in hysterics. Thank you for the belly laugh!
JksD, When WH and Ow first hooked up (Oct 2015) I actually spoke to her on the phone afterward and firmly but politely told her that I was not receptive to an open marriage and she really needed to examine why she was willing to be some guy's leftovers. She profusely apologized and said she was going NC. However they broke NC in January and I ended up exposing her in Mar to her parents, she again sent a long, regretful text cutting contact and apologizing for the pain she caused. One week later she and WH were sleeping together again. So it's hard to imagine she was a pre-marriage thing when both WH and OW were so awful and selfish. She only take a small percentage of my brain space, WH takes up the lion's share or my rage. OW never took vows with me so I only hold her mildly culpable. It's just understood in our (women's) world that you don't sleep with a married man who has a pregnant wife, YKWIM?
WH's flight was cancelled last minute last night and we faced the possibility of not celebrating Eid as a family. WH got in his car and drove over 11 hours after working an ICU shift. HE was dead on his feet by the time he arrived at 5 am this morning. He went to bed and awoke around 10 am. We cuddled for a bit and had a very deep R conversation. He is starting to come around, more and more he is realizing how much he screwed up and how close he came to losing all of us. He is starting to verbalize deep regret and shame over the pain he has inflicted on me. He still has small moments where he tries to rationalize his actions (I never meant to hurt you, I would never leave you, I was desperate for love and affection) but he is also realizing that you don't turn outside the marriage to get these things but try any method possible to turn towards your spouse.
Defensiveness still pokes it's head up but I quickly end the conversation when it drifts in that direction. This has the double benefit of preventing a fight as well as giving him time to process when I explain my feelings and thoughts about the affair. Piecing, it's tough work.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
LOL. I can honestly say I have never heard the terms "man up" and "Try waxing" in the same sentence before. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that real men, draw the line at manning up somewhere short of Waxing. It is because we know that we can not compete with the womanly toughness that you ladies demonstrate to do this stuff to make us happy. There is a reason why God created women to have babies and men to ummm, well, my point is the Woman is the mentally stronger of the species and I would say waxing pain is on the same track as birthing pain. LOL IMHO.
Originally Posted By: Sara
OMG SH, the image of you getting your legs zapped for pole dancing had me in hysterics. Thank you for the belly laugh!
Have you ever watched King of Queens? There is an episode where Kevin James character gets so frustrated with how bad his wife is doing in her pole dancing class that he jumps on the pole to show her how it is done. He is a large man, yet very agile and it was hilarious.
It sounds as if your H is putting in some serious efforts now and this is a good thing. You are doing things that are working. Jot it down as MWD states in DR. Keep studying the DR material and applying it as you are doing so well. I might say that you are progressing to being a Jedi Master DB'er.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
OW never took vows with me so I only hold her mildly culpable. It's just understood in our (women's) world that you don't sleep with a married man who has a pregnant wife, YKWIM?
Sista, I know what you mean. The thing about OPs and waywards is that they are too entitled to subscribe to our code of honour.
You're a one hellava lady and I think you truly deserve the positive upswings in your sitch.
Continue doing what works for you. Although confronting the OW and exposing the A are not exactly DB, they have worked in your favour. Which is really the soul of DB's Doing what works.
Btw, have you read Divorce Busting? IMO, DB is more relevant to piecing than DR. As you move more and more into piecing, I think DB would come in more handy than DR. Also, have you read other R and A books?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I also need to find a financial advisor as well as a lawyer who can look over my business contract. There a lot of odds and ends I need to get sorted before starting work on the 18th. I am both excited and anxious about becoming an Attending physician.
IMHO.