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Rouky #2688099 06/28/16 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: Rouky
IC said that it will take a bit longer to get rid of all the negativity about myself that have been fed to me since childhood


that is the most difficult thing I have ever had to tackle...and i am not there yet,

I am so glad for your progress and i think it is awesome that your C acknowledges it...as do you!

continue to be a shining light for yourself and we can enjoy it with you!!!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Zephyr #2688102 06/28/16 03:22 PM
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Wow, I'm very humble to get a post from you Zephyr as I have been following you but never dared to write on your post😬.

Thank you for your support. I know that I'm very lucky to have found everyone here and yes I came here in the hope to save my marriage, but as it has been said before, it's more about saving myself and it's a work in progress as I can slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel😀

Rouky #2688166 06/29/16 12:11 AM
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Hi Rouky, I'm glad you had a useful session with your IC. I think this whole area is really important. I realise now that I wasn't in a great place (in terms of self-belief, self-esteem and groundedness) when I met XH. When the trauma and 'primal rejection" (thanks Raliced grin) of BD happens, we get whittled down to a raw core and need to start rebuilding from there.

I do feel that I have grown since two years ago. At that point, my life was more fear driven, with me trying to control outcomes. I relied too much on the good opinion of others and lived with a subtly toxic feeling that I wasn't really enough and that others had some kind of 'secret formula' that I had missed out on. My life was generally 'together' but this stuff is subtle and pervasive I think.

One book that I've found particularly helpful has been Brene Brown's Daring Greatly - with a key message of - right here and right now I am enough (and I always was). I also found Codependent No More helpful and I often now ask myself - what do I need to do to look after myself in this situation? And also - does this work for me?

All of this is a work in progress for me - but I do feel that to grow in these areas is a gift indeed. If I'm able to live a life that is less fear-driven, more authentic, grounded, meaningful - these are gifts indeed whether I'm single or in another R...

Sounds like you are on a good track with this.....xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2688195 06/29/16 05:12 AM
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hi Rouky, i have kept up with your situation since you have gotten here.

I am sorry that ive not posted to your thread soonwr. I am a bit of a scatter brain, in that i cannot follow that many situations at once and be able to consistently be present consistently.

I love all what sotto wrote to you, it mirrors where many of us are at in our journeys...she just says it it better than most can!

I hope you have a great day.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Zephyr #2688359 06/29/16 03:06 PM
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Thank you Sotto for the books' title, I'll order them. I was like you Sotto when I met H I wasn't confident and having this handsome man paying me attention was very flattering! I'm not so sure that he is like that now!

H is starting to show who he really is with kids as he again turned very late to pick them up! Normally I'd have challenged him but as the kids were asking me why their dad was late, I realised that I don't have to say a thing as they are realising by themselves who he truly is! Gosh he really looked fat today with his bold head! There is definitively no physical attraction left! What I find hard is the betrayal, I understand and have accepted that he doesn't love me, but it's very soar that he stayed with me for 2 years before I kicked him out and I truly believed that we would still be together today if I hadn't found out! All this makes me think about the fact that I must not have been such a bad wife if he stayed! He could have walked out like he did with his first daughter!

I know I have to stop focusing on him. As I see him so regularly I find it hard to truly detach! I no longer go at the door when he comes to pick up kids. I let the kids open the door and off they go with him. I'd be so much simpler for me if I didn't have any contact with him! If he was out of my life for good!

Rouky #2688787 07/02/16 03:14 AM
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Hurt is a what I'm feeling now. A mutual friend asked me if H has moved in with OW, because she has been posting on FB pictures of H's new house and comments like she is feeling excited to start a new chapter of her life with my H!
How can someone be so cruel and not think about what I might feel! How can H let her do that? How come nobody say nothing to them that what they are doing is wring? Why can't I switch my feelings like he did with? Why won't he let me go? OW is talking about a future with my H, but he hasn't introduced the girls to her (they have been together now for more than 3 years), and he still hasn't filed!

Why do I feel so low? Why can't he love me? Why does he deserve to be happy and not me?

Rouky #2688795 07/02/16 05:48 AM
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Rouky,
I'm so sorry that your friend was insensitive. You need to advise her that you do not wish to know anything about what he is doing.

Rouky, you have to let him go. He's going to do whatever he needs to do to feel better about himself. The ow is nothing more than a band aid to stroke his ego at the moment. I hate to be harsh, but he's not thinking about you, your feelings or what you are doing w/your life right now. You don't know if people have said anything to him about his behavior, but I would venture to guess that they aren't going to get involved in the mess he's created. They are going to be interested by standers who will watch how this plays out. Some are going to enjoy being in his company for the time being because he's fun and doing things that would not normally be something he would do.

As for the OW, she's going to brag about what she's got right now...a sugar daddy. Someone that is giving her the world at this time. If I were her, I would be questioning why the girls haven't been introduced to her as well as why he hasn't filed...but she's not thinking that way at the moment. Also, posting on FB is one way to spread the word about what they are doing and hoping it's getting back to you. It's working.

Please do not allow them to bring you down. FB, to me, is not cracked up to be the best source of info. Some people use it to communicate w/others and then there are those who love to brag about what they have, where they've been and what they are doing. Others use it to convince the readers that they have this wonderful and happy life...

You need to stop allowing them to dictate how you feel. You are a classy woman who needs to let him go and continue moving on w/your life. The world is out there waiting for you to explore it and enjoy the life you currently have. Sure, you would love to have him by your side...but it's not going to happen any time soon. So, while he's off making a possible fool of himself...take this time to rediscover Rouky. You can do this. Get off the pity pot and start making a list of things that you would like to try. It's time to explore the world and do things for you...you are the prize and you are number one in the world!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2688812 07/02/16 07:25 AM
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Thank Job. I know you are right and there is a life out there. Even my sibling told me so. I'm really struggling about letting him go. How do I do this?

Rouky #2688830 07/02/16 11:46 AM
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Rouky,
You are still grieving over the death of your marriage and relationship w/your h. It takes time. Each person will go through the grieving process in their own way and on their own time table. If it will help, put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each and every time you think of your xh. I guarantee you that you'll soon find other things to think about.

I found one of the things that helped me was to join a support group and I started going to the library and participating in some of their workshops. These things gave me something else to think about and pretty soon, I was busy, enjoyed myself and made some new friends.

The other thing that I did was advise all of my friends and relatives that I did not want to hear or see things from FB about my xh. When they would start, I would excuse myself and leave the room for a minute and return and then I would change the subject. It wasn't long before they got the message.

Be kind to yourself and please stop putting yourself down. It's your h that has the issues and yes, he's a broken man and you can't fix him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2689008 07/04/16 02:37 AM
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I'm sending you hugs and support Rouky. I don't know how to let go, I'm still trying to detach with very little success. I put it down to being too stubborn, but being here helps me.

I agree with job, you should let your friends and family know that at this point news of H's happiness are not what you need to hear..

Best of luck! It is s hard, but you can do it!


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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