I saw some one sided messages from a colleague of hers , she told me about them months ago, thought nothing of it as she was honest and open about it.
He flirted with her but standard replies back from w.
But that started something off in my head. I went to see the messages and they were just like she said, but it set off my racing mind and I wouldn't stop trying to prove she was unfaithful.
I have not found evidence of an A, but my behaviour caused her to start lying about things fearing my reaction and big arguments, which in turn fed my paranoia.
Worst lie was saying she was at her mums when she was with a male friend, on surface people might say A straight away, but, she has explained it and I can only blame my behaviour, I don't beleive she has cheated and she has shown me her phone too.
I'm on meds now, seeing a psychologist soon too. I've told her this.
She has said now that the cause of our breakup are bust ups throughout the years. Some pretty major ones too, she is mentioning that it is domestic abuse the way I go on at her and the way I get bad tempered.
Despite her saying this, and that she is scared of me. She still wants to go on holidays together and do things as a family.
I feel that she is getting advice from friends who are rushing to her side and saying I'm a really bad guy etc.
I cannot emphasise enough that I've made the past 5 weeks hell for her, constant accusations, shouting, arguing, packing her bags up etc.
She is adamant that she is not getting back with me
Cop1, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I see one of two things happening here: the first, being your wife is so manipulative that you've lost all control of yourself due to some kind of evil witchcraft. Or two, you really do realize you have a problem with something inside yourself, and you're taking everything out on her. Or I guess, the third would be, neither and it's all in your head.
I don't want to bring down an axe here, but it certainly sounds like, from the information you've provided, you have a problem dealing with anger. I would get help, or see someone about that immediately before it leads to something that can't be undone.
The paranoia you have, the distrust, is this something that has always been present? or did it just evolve over the last 5 weeks or so?
Was there something that happened, 5 weeks ago, that you could say, "changed things" to cause this sudden uproar of emotions and fears?
As for saving your R, and more importantly, saving yourself... it's not too late. You've come to a great place. Do the homework Cadet provided. You say you've read about 180's and LRT, but it doesn't seem like you really understand it yet, or don't know how to implement the actions. You need to step back and remove yourself from the situation. It's obvious that just being in her presence, or thinking about your W, puts you in a very instable state...
the 180 technique should make perfect sense here. If all you do is respond to her with anger, fear, threats, etc, then don't respond at all until you can get that under control.
It's very good that you have an open mind to assessing your own issues and any mistakes you may have made in your marriage.
From the standpoint of 180s, I think it's obvious that all of the accusations and loud arguments have not been helping your position. Even if she was having an affair, constantly arguing with her about it wouldn't improve your situation.
Have you made a personal commitment to not start random affair accusations and arguments anymore? What concrete steps can you take to stop getting loud and angry when you talk? Next time you inadvertently find yourself in a heated discussion, what will you do differently to get yourself back under control or take a break? You mentioned drinking - if that's still part of your problem, are you doing anything differently there?
If you're able to make improvements on those items I think your wife would definitely notice! Telling your wife you plan to do those things, or are doing those things, isn't going to have any real effect anymore. However if you really commit and let your actions show your new direction, she will notice.
It may or may not be too late for it to save your marriage, but it sounds like you are aware you need to improve on those things for yourself regardless. That's what DBing is really about. Fixing yourself gives you the best chance of fixing the relationships you care about.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
