Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you felt disappointed by your parent's reaction. I find it a challenge to get along with my Dad sometimes - though he's a good man and has been there for me a number of times when I really needed it.

I find for me it's a balance of accepting him as he is and letting him know what I need. Trying to be in 'adult' rather than 'daughter/child' mode when I'm with him. It's a work in progress.

Haven't posted much on your thread recently, but I do read along and I'm pleased to see the progress you are making. With BD and then DBing, we grind along and it can be tough - though there are moments of joy and peace. However, months (and for me now years) along the line - all of that grinding progress does bear fruit - and we have no regrets about our difficult and rewarding journey...whatever the ultimate outcome for our marriage.

I think you are doing just fine xx

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Sotto. I'm definitely a work in progress, and my relationship with my parents is also.

It's interesting that you mentioned the balance between telling your father what you need and accepting him as he is. I struggle with that, for sure. It was actually what my therapist and I were talking about just this morning!

So I just have this most random thing to say right now - I love sitting outdoors in this silly swing, under a beautiful old tree, looking out over my fields. I wish there were less traffic, but I tune it out. I inherited this swing because no one else in my family wanted it after my Gram passed away, and It is an absolutely perfect place to sit in the shade and while away the afternoon. And while I am enjoying being outdoors, I get to listen to so many birds! There's an oriole singing overhead right this moment, bobolinks in the fields, a senior big sparrow in the garden... so many more. I love it.

Where was I? Oh yeah... My therapist. He would like me to be more assertive in telling my father that I need emotional support right now. I'm hesitant, but ill keep it in mind for next time I'm having a tough day.

I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to go to my other house. Not because I want to see it or have a great urge to bring anything back from there, but I really DID want to take all of H's clothes, etc., back and get rid of them. Right now his stuff is all over both beds in the house (since I sleep elsewhere these days), and if I was tired of looking at it all before, I am doubly so now! Darn it. Two steps back on that front.

Ah well. I'm tired today, so I'm going to call it an early evening.

[Phoebe]

Hilarious autocorrect again.

"Senior big" sparrow was supposed to simply read "song" sparrow!

[Painter]

Phoebe, can you box the things up and send them to him? Is he at the house at all or is he living elsewhere? Or do you even know...?

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, yes I think if you can say something like that to your Dad, that would be good. I had a recent exchange with my Dad. Something difficult had happened one weekend (I can't recall what now!) and I was telling him about it and saying it was traumatic and how upset I felt. My Dad cut in brusquely and said something like 'well it's all done now.' In a final sort of tone. I realised that he wasn't really able to be there with me whilst I expressed that emotion.

However, there have been many other ways (more practical than emotional...and some emotional) where he has been there for me and I appreciate that.

For sure I would take steps to pack up your H's stuff if that's what you want to do. I would also hate looking at it every day. What if you packed it all up and told him - I've boxed this stuff up, do you want me to ship it to X or do Y? He may even say - chuck it - in which case you could drop it at a thrift store maybe? Do whatever is going to help you move foreward and reclaim your living space as your own I would say.

Have a good day xx

[SH_]

I'm still here following you....(that doesn't sound creepy in any way now does it)

I love how you see so much beauty all around you.
Parents shape a lot of who we are. Your father has had an impact on your emotional states. Not a good or bad thing, just a thing. The good thing is that you are now mature enough and learning how your actions can have an impact on his or anyone else's without it being controlling. Lots of literature out there for how we can obtain the emotional things we need from others through how we think act and return the favor.

What was your L reason for going back to your other house? What was the benefit of doing it? What is the drawback of not doing it? I may have missed that but was just curious as it seems to be a thought weighing on your decision making facilities.

Have a wonderful day and I will check on you again later today.

[Phoebe]

Sotto, it sounds like our fathers were both cut from the same cloth. That totally sounds like how my father would respond and even his words. Like yours, my father has been there so many times for me, but emotional support is definitely not his forte. Thank you for chiming in and for your thoughts.

Hi Painter! If I could box and ship that would be absolutely ideal, but there's just too darn much of it. I'll transport it to the house at some point and get rid of it. I definitely have to get it consolidated, because it's taking over my life right now. It's like the closets and drawers threw up! It's been there since Monday because I haven't felt like dealing with it again. I just walk by and have been trying to ignore it all.

SH, as always, it is so good to know you're still stalking me. . Seriously, though, I am glad to see you are still here, giving comfort, encouragement, 2x4s, or whatever else you think I need most. It means a great deal to me.

So, my L wanted me to check in I the house because no one is living there right now and she thinks I need to verify the state of the place. (Make sure there are no situations being neglected, no evidence of vandalism, etc..) I absolutely think I should go check it out for those very reasons, but I just don't want to go alone
anymore unless it's unavoidable. It's just too painful to go there now. Everywhere I look there I see H's rejection of our like, from the photos buried out of sight to the gifts I gave him piled up and rejected. It hurts my heart.

Today was an OK day. Not great, but not too.bad, either, I went strawberry pmilkshake cling in the afternoon with my waking/cultural event friend. Then I drove home, offloaded the berries for my mom to clean and freeze, and then I met my L friend for biking and dinner. Do, I'm doing things and getting out. I'm falling asleep as I tap, so I'll sign off. Sleep very well, my friends.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I understand you not wanting to go to the house alone, and I've had the same situation, living away from our house and needing to go up every now and then to check on things. Each time I went, I hated it. It had gone from being a 'safe' family home to the scene of our marital implosion and I didn't/don't feel 'safe' there. Plus when I would go, I would discover something horrible - like my photos taken out of a family collage and replaced with others - ugh...

Last time I went (hopefully the last trip ever...) two friends came with me and it did help. We only stayed for 90 mins or so, but I got the rest of my stuff out and it was enough time to check things over. I wonder if a good friend might help in this regard? The other thing we have is our former pet sitter who pops in once a week to pick up post and check on things. She actually picked up a leak a few months ago and we were able to sort that out before it became a bigger problem.

So, if you didn't want to go, perhaps you could engage someone to drop in for you? No great rush anyway, you can always make these decisions when you feel ready.

Hope you have a good day Sweetie xx

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, how was your day? Did you sleep okay last night?

Did you get anywhere with packing up H's stuff?

I have spent the entire day at the computer, trying to finish a big job before the end of the month. Almost there, another half hour should do it. I will update more in my own thread but just wanted to check in.

[Phoebe]

I'm right there with you, Sotto. My other house has a lot of very strongly negative experiences associated with it, and there is exactly the issue you describe - awful little land mines just waiting to be stepped on to trigger all kinds of pain. I wish I knew a single person in the entire state where the other house is who could check in on it for me, but I just don't. If I don't check on it, then that leaves only WH, and let's just say he is unreliable in his current state of limerence. Never mind that the last contact I had with him was easily 7 weeks ago.

So my new L friend said that he could go with me, but it will have to be in a few weeks. It will be good to have another person with me, but I plan on staying overnight at least one night and possibly two. We're not dating and have known each other for 5 weeks now. Awkward, much? These are the situations where putting all of your eggs in one basket (WH, in my case) can come back to bite you. I was so rarely at the other house that I never had the opportunity to meet anyone out there.

And at my farm, I know a number of people, but none are able to go with me, as either age or health precludes their helping. That leaves my parents (who won't go) or my brand new friends. It's a lot to ask of a new person. Luckily my L friend is moving himself very soon, so I arranged to help him in exchange for him helping me.

I was busy all day long today. I went ice skating with a friend and am definitely getting stronger and my muscle memory is coming back. We talked outside on a park bench for quite a while and that was nice, too. I grabbed z bit of food and then went to see my therapist. Again!!! It's my third appointment this week and my 7th visit in 4 weeks. It's just been a more difficult stretch again, and it's been good to be able to talk about it with someone who isn't judging, pushing, etc.

I had enough time after the T visit to drive home, take care of my critters and then pick up my mother for our 'big' Thursday night social. We did our usual fro wry shopping, meeting, then thrift store shopping. I dropped her at home and went back to the farm, by which point it was after 9:30, barely light, and a perfect night to walk my fiends again.

If there is one thing more magical than fireflies in the fields, it is fireflies over head in the branches of a hundred year old apple tree. What a beautiful thing to see.

I'm super tired, so it's time to call it a day. Sleep well, everyone!