My story so far

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Zues126]

Update
Well she finally started acting nice towards me, then really nice. Pretty soon she was cuddling with me. She told me the thing with the OM was never serious abs was over (didn't belive a word of that) last night we made love multiple times. She's now telling me she loves me. Holding my hand all that great stuff. But... all of a sudden she seems to have second thoughts asking questions like "should I have let it run its course?" Asking me for space again stuff like that. I'm pretty sure she chose me when she realized what she will lose, and I'm pretty sure she will ultimately choose me overall. If she goes back to him at all though I don't know if I could take it. My plan is to give her some space tonight and hope she gets over him. I really hope this is the right choice.

Things don't work that way or that fast.

I understand you are new in your sitch. In your mind everything was ok just a little while ago, and you want it to just be ok again. This is called 'denial'. Just because you want it to be the way it was, doesn't mean it works that way. There is no one easier to con than someone that wants to believe what you're telling them.

Everytime I think I begin to accept it something happens that Sparks a little bit of Hope between us and she quickly that's just the way. This puts me right back at square one where she's all I can think about and I'm worried constantly.

This.

Here's the scenario. She is restless and dissatisfied with the relationship, so she starts texting intimately with another person and putting it in front of your relationship. Your response is to ask her to stop, then get sad/depressed/terrified that she's not with you. But every time you start to try to distance yourself she throws you a winsome smile, and you gobble it up hoping she'll treat you right this time. Maybe if you're just a better husband, a better man, if you get her better gifts, maybe it will be ok.

Mark my words. It won't be. She is not about to stop contact with OM. She is not about to recommit to a M. She is not remorseful of what she's done. She doesn't care about the hurt you have gone through.

So, Chris, the question is how many times you want to allow yourself to go around this rollercoaster ride. Twice? Seventy two times? Or for years and years until she finally gets tired of it and leaves you?

This isn't a "her" problem. I mean, it is in that she has her own problems. But we have to look at the "you" problem. Right now it's normal, it's ok, because you're fearful, heartbroke, and depressed. But you have to lead out of this situation. What does that look like? Read sandi's posts on WW's.

-Set boundaries. Don't allow her to treat you with disrespect. Don't enable her behavior. Explain that you aren't interested in an open marriage, and that if she can't commit to you and meet the conditions of ending all communication with OM and agreeing to a transparency plan then you are separating. When she tries to be nicey nice don't be a jerk, but don't go running back, hold to your boundaries, she won't respect them if you don't hold them.

I'm not suggesting you do this today. I don't think you're in a spot to where you can enforce any boundaries. You are being played and are in denial. But when you go through this one or two more times, start getting your head around these ideas. And I hope you realize this quickly. The things she's doing aren't your fault, but you putting up with them absolutely is.

And, for the record, I went through something almost identical to the night you had. I don't pretend I didn't. I am just telling you what I've learned from the experience. If you want to look up my old posts from 9/3/14-9/6/14 you'll find out how that worked for me...

Hang in and keep posting.

[Cristy]

Hello Chrisz,

Are you still with us? It has been a while since your most recent post and I wanted to check in with you.

Based on what you mentioned most recently, it appears that your wife is temperature checking you to make sure you are still available as plan B if things don't work out with OM.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004