Twisting in the wind

[pinn]

Hi Andrew,

I won't comment on much accept to say that I think you need put your 'mind-reading powers' on the back burner and stop using them. They might be right, might be wrong but I am positive they are doing you no good. That's it :-).

I really wish some of the posters who were around when I first joined were still around for you.

Have fun ironing tonight.

[AndrewP]

I think it best if I step away from the forums at least for now. They are becoming a source of stress in my life and taking far too much of my time that I could better devote to higher priorities.

I would like to thank all of those whose sympathy and kindness have helped sustain me in this journey.

I would also like to thank those of you who challenged me to open my mind and reconsider my thoughts and priorities.

I would finally like to thank MWD and her team for providing this forum and their books as a tool for those of us who gather here to heal.

Good bye.

[doodler]

AndrewP,

I understand, and that's probably not a bad idea. But, my guess is that the real source of your stress is your cognitive dissonance.

I hope you're able to work through your issues and come back and give us an update on your situation at some point in time. In the meantime, I'll be baking some peanut butter cookies with you in mind.

Take care.

[CWOL]

Andrew,
It's probably a good idea for you to take the time to evaluate your situation rationally, rather than debating with other posters on the forum. You will see the stress is coming from the conflict between your view of your marriage and reality.

[DDJ]

I thirds that Andrew, i've actually decided that I will spend no more than 2 hours on this forum a day. An hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I'm actually adding these to my goals.

The reason is that I lose myself in the forum, not because of the forum, not at all - the support is life-changing and I would not be here without every single person on here, literally!

I lose myself because i'm actually thinking of my WW when on the forum. The aim is to detach, so i will rather use the forum to share my thoughts, not my WWs illness (LOL).

[AndrewP]

Just a quick update and then I'm gone again until there is something else worth reporting. I'll maybe swing by in a day or so to look at any replies but don't intend to engage in the active arguing / debate that coloured my earlier time here.

Well - I was very wrong about a bunch of things I thought I knew and still honestly have no clue as to what is going on.

I had a chance to talk to my brother in law two weeks ago at a family reunion who lets everything that goes in his ears fall out of his mouth. He put some context around what was happening for me from what W told him of her view of her fairy tale as of May 29th (2 weeks earlier). His actual intention was to point out to me how stupid I was and how right he was so I let him keep spilling beans as much as I could. He was quite shocked that we were there together and expected us to be in the middle of separation negotiation. For my part I dropped some comments (including some rude words) on what I thought of WW and OM and expressed the opinion that many days I wished that she would just leave. He told me that I would need to give W an ultimatum to get any movement otherwise things would just go on as they were (which many people here have also said). In a later "thank you for the straight talk" message to him I told him that I was reluctantly working on such a message. I figure that all this got back to W with some embellishment.

So what I'm guessing is that it might not have been her original intention but at some point my WW decided that OM was her saviour and that she would leave me and go straight to him as a blushing bride. This shift may have happened on April 30th when I gave her the "we've split" budget and she ran to him after crying crocodile tears at me and saying she was sorry. The affair heated up more at that point including the infamous romantic weekend that nearly killed me. My WW doesn't talk to me but from her actions, moods, and the result it would appear that everything came to a head on June 4th when she left to go to OM I'm guessing to deliver an ultimatum. She came home crying much earlier than expected after only having had about 30 minutes with him. Right after that there were several days of what appeared to be epic texting battles, mood swings etc and from what I can tell the affair is now over. She's not had any unaccounted disappearances that I can detect, the flow on social media has changed dramatically, there are few "secret" phone calls etc. When she does go away out of ear-shot or out of the house on a call she will often tell me who it was when she comes back in (often her sister).

W is also getting a lot more comfortable around me. We've even had an argument about the usual sort of nothing that couples will argue about. She still is rejecting me physically and emotionally and I generally don't push it and seem to be getting a bit more connected as time goes on as long as I give her lots of space. More and more she is treating me with courtesy and respect and she is still very open about where she is / going etc. She does still appear to have one foot firmly out the door and has made occasional moves in that direction. She appears to have a big amount of distrust of me which is somewhat new and I work hard to be worthy of trust. I continue to be positive around her, compliment her when she does something well and when she looks extra nice etc. She now generally accepts those compliments.

So - as far as I can tell, my WW has turned back into a WAW. I worry that she'll be running to another OM but to be honest, pickings are slim around here for someone who is available, would want her, and would meet her requirements. She shows no sign of remorse to me but does seem to regret that things didn't work out the way she wanted them to. She is also spending a lot less time interacting with the "friends" who were enabling her before.

On my side, my GAL has been good. While I still have trouble holding it together sometimes and I still do focus a lot of time and attention on worrying about W and our R I feel that I am largely a whole human being again and able to survive on my own. I'm fortunate in that W has given "me" space to do this and I think she's confused a bit about how independent from her I've become. I've been basically being a "lighthouse" ( http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619 ) for W and myself. While I keep her appraised (generally) of what I'm doing etc I don't ask her permission and if there's something I want to do I will often invite her and then shrug my shoulders and do it anyway if she's not interested which is generally the case. I am also preparing myself for a split from W both mentally and practically.

Now for where things are going. I've taken control of the agenda.

Today I will have my first meeting with a lawyer to talk about proceeding to a divorce / avoiding a divorce. We have a process here called "collaborative law" which tries to keep everything out of court. I'm not explicitly pulling the trigger on this but I want to have everything in place in case I need to. Also with this process, it can be easily stopped if W has a change of heart. I made sure to select a firm that has expertise in both collaborative law and divorce. The usual path here is separation for a year then divorce but infidelity is considered grounds to go right to divorce. I see no purpose in separation at this point. I want to make sure that we can start gradually so that W can change her mind before we get too far.

Tomorrow I have my first session with a new IC who I will work with to try to get stronger to survive all of this. I've been fortunate that I have two good friends who have been very supportive but I believe that I have burned them out with my drama. I will also be asking the IC for her opinion on my planned next step. Tomorrow is also W's birthday and we're going out for dinner together and then I've organized some cupcakes and phone calls with S22 and D24. And yes - I've gotten a card and while it expresses love it is not excessively clingy.

Next Wednesday I am planning on leaving a letter for W to read when she gets home from work. I'll be home as well but will exit the house so that she can react in peace. I've been working on this letter since I had my talk with my BIL and it's not "quite" how I told him it would be written. In it I tell her how much I love her and that I have stood by her through all of this and still want her back. It goes on to say that we've been growing together recently but that I'm still very confused. It then suggests that the time has come for a reconciliation and that I am giving her a "reasonable amount" of time to think about it. It does also say that if she doesn't want to reconcile or if she can't decide that I will be seeking legal advice on ending the marriage. Also - like most things I write it is rather long but I did manage to fit it on a single side of a sheet of paper. I'm going to have my L review it to make sure that there isn't anything that will bite me if it is used in court.

I believe that I've given W enough time to recover from the ending of her dreams and the A (if it IS over) and she seems a lot better lately and is hopefully ready for this. Unlike my first draft which was very blunt and had a 48 hour deadline this is a much softer message (I'm a wimp). W has NEVER liked talking about our R or issues and if i tried to deliver this message in person I would stumble and screw it up badly. In a letter she can absorb it and she'll have time to think about it and honestly decide with less pressure.

I've already checked with the banks we deal with to make sure that I can trigger a split in our finances and have already done that with computer files except our shared budget which is in the cloud. That is two mouse-clicks to sever. Both of my brothers now know about us having "troubles" but not about the A which is still a secret. I can count on them to help keep things safe for W to get her stuff out of the house.

I just can't keep going on like this. I've lost 40 lbs since April and while I have gotten better my mental health is still rather fragile.

Wish me luck.

[doodler]

AndrewP,

Good luck!

I cooked a huge batch of peanut butter cookies for you and then I ate every one of them myself. I gained the 40 pounds that you lost. Now I've got a big old bubble butt.

[RDS]

Good luck. I've read your story, and it was interesting to say the least.

[AndrewP]

I ended up giving W my letter last week after she was going on about leaving yet again and she saw the cheque to the lawyer getting cashed. I wanted to get in front of any actual departure.

I sat across from her as she read it. After she said she needed to think about it. In essence it said that I wanted to reconcile and am willing to ignore the past but that if she didn't, or if she didn't tell me in a "reasonable time" that I would end the marriage.

I asked yesterday morning if she had come to a decision and no she hadn't. She continues to avoid me and while I think she "is" thinking about it I'm not confident that she'll stay.

I'm pretty sure she knows that the cake eating is coming to an end though.

Still no sign of OM either.

In the mean-time I'm doing buckets of research into the legal process, pre-filling out forms and scanning supporting documents to be able to act quickly and save legal fees. I also spent a lot of last week while I was on vacation scanning in photos from around the house that are important to me and that I don't want to lose.

I'm feeling better and more in control of what is going on. My brothers now know the full story and it's good to have that support. I have no clue at all where this is going to go but I have a July 13th deadline in my head now.

[MoveFrwd]

I'm feeling more in control of what is going on.

This is interesting phrasing...

Im still hoping for the best for you.