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Phoebe #2688775 07/01/16 11:40 PM
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Hi Phoebe, it was actually before the meetup that I had the excited, happy feeling, but maybe I was just looking forward to it more than I realized.

I wonder if it has to do with getting to do a lot of things I wanted to do with H that he would never participate in. He was often supportive of things I wanted to do, but he could also be very disapproving and critical, especially of the people I was spending time with. I was never sure what kind of reaction I would get, it would depend on his mood and if I didn't mindread correctly what his need was at the time.

Anything that cost money would elicit annoyance. Or if he felt I should be doing something else. Or if he was resentful that I did something fun while he was at work, or that it took away my attention from him. I sang in the church choir for several years and he would never come to a service because it was boring and he didn't like church. He didn't see/hear me sing once. He went for a walk with me once or twice. He didn't like to go for walks. I'd ask him to come walk on the beach with me (it was a 5 minute drive) and he didn't want to. I would ask him to sit on the deck with a glass of wine and he'd angrily say "I don't want wine!"

I could never get him to go away for a weekend except once a couple of years ago, and I later realized he was texting with OW much of the time (May 2014, right before I found the first text). It feels more lonely to do things by yourself when you have a partner who won't share it with you. And maybe he felt the same way...

Anyway, I wonder if perhaps it's the freedom that's starting to feel good.

Son and I just planned a 2 or 3-day trip for his birthday in August to Door County, which is a very scenic and fun area of Wisconsin. I found a great little hotel on the beach that allows dogs. I think it will be a great trip!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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Painter

I am so happy to hear about all these good feelings you are having. Eat lots of chocolate!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2688991 07/03/16 10:39 PM
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Painter, I love to hear this new direction for your thoughts. And to hear that you are having stretches of happiness again. I agree that it feels lonelier to do things by yourself when you wish you could be sharing them with someone who is important to you. Worse still was if you stopped doing the things you enjoyed because your partner did not want to share them with you. It's time to get you groove back on.

"perhaps it's the freedom that's starting to feel good" That is wonderful.

I'm really starting to feel separate from my WH, and it is a whole new experience for me. Every single memory and major decision of my entire adult life involved him, and lately, I'm starting to see hints of a life without him in it. I'm already seeing that I can form new friendships, and start doing new things. Not that I don't have tough days or am in some miraculous, tear-free state, but I am starting to think a bit differently, and I think that's both good and necessary.

I am glad to see that you are voicing some of the things that I am just starting to get an inkling of. Progress may be slow, but it's happening for both of us.

Good night, Miss Painter. You've come a long ways in a short time.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2688994 07/03/16 11:02 PM
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Phoebe, you've been with your H for so long, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be alone. I was well into my 30's when H and I married, and I had been an independent and self-sufficient person for most of my adult life before that. It's still so incredibly hard to not be part of a couple anymore.

I made a huge change in my life, though, moving from another part of the world and leaving all my family and friends and career behind. I don't think H understands how abandoned that makes me feel now.

But - I am happy to report another tear-free day. It's going on a week now!

I'm also staying active - my son and I took the dog to a large off-leash area this morning so she got some good exercise and we had a lovely walk in perfect weather. Afterwards we just hung out at home, but I got several important financial and legal things taken care of so I feel quite accomplished. We made a chicken pasta salad for dinner, so some cross-generational kitchen collaboration here, too!

I got my paint supplies organized and packed up to bring to the studio, and then helped my son decorate some more on his deck (it needed a woman's touch!). We found a nice metal 3-tier shelf on sale at a garden center yesterday and set it up today, and I'm going to get some herbs in pots to put on it. We also picked up an interesting saddlebag style pot to hang on the railing and I planted some showy impatiens in it. My next suggestion is to get some decorative lights for the deck railing so it's nice to sit there in the evening without having the big light on.

He has also given me the go-ahead to hang some things in my room, and I'm going to spend my tax return on getting my belongings moved up here (they are in storage back in the state I lived in with H). I think I need to make it feel more like my own space here, even if it's not really.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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A week of tear-free days?!?! Good for you, lady. I am 0 for 2 just for the last two days! smile

So we're both doing some good cross-generational kitchen bonding. I love it. And both staying active. That is incredibly important, I've found.

Are you going to stay with your son long-term? I thought I remember you talking about getting your own place at some point, but I think that it is wonderful that you are both enjoying living together, and that you are making your space you own. It's so good to have family around through these difficult times.

I know that I am grateful to have my parents nearby right now, because being alone after 25 years of being in a couple is disorienting, at best.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2688997 07/04/16 12:04 AM
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I hope you get there soon, Phoebe! I was amazed how suddenly I went from 3 hours of crying every night to nothing. I can't explain it.

My original plans got a little derailed with the final BD when I found out that H had moved OW in and I ended up quitting my new job because of the breakdown I had - but the plan is to save up for a downpayment and get a loan and buy my own place. I would have had to find a better paid job anyway.

Right now I'm not putting too much pressure on myself because I need to heal. I'm being a little self-indulgent this summer. My son is fine with me staying for a year if I need to - we get along great and I have enough to do on my own to where he has some time to himself. Come fall, I'll try to make some bigger decisions.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
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Self-indulgence is just what the doctor ordered! It sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal yourself and make you the best Painter there is! You should be proud of yourself.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Well... I'm trying to find my way back to Happiness but Anger led me astray.

I sent an e-mail to H yesterday where I was less than nice (not horrible, just very straightforward about how I feel) as a reply to his reply to a request I had. I thought we had agreed on a change to the sep agreement and spent time writing it up properly, but it turned out he was just trying to cut alimony by 1/3 - so I got a little annoyed that he wasted my time and also claims to be soooo poor but has decided that OW should not have to work but stay home to cater for him.

So I told him how it seems to me that he puts OW's wellbeing ahead of his wife's, when she has done nothing but cause pain and destruction to the family.

The problem is that what you throw at someone, sticks to your hand... so while he probably just brushes me off and compartmentalizes what I wrote, I still feel the anger. I'll have to deal with anger regardless, as a phase in the emotional processing of this, but I want to work to get back to a place of peace and happiness, where his actions - past or present - don't impact how I feel, at least as far as I am able to control it.

Apart from that I can hardly stay awake. I've slept enough hours but need to either have coffee or go back to bed. Too tired to decide...


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
grin grin grin grin

I'm being headhunted for a job in the same company OW used to work in.

shocked shocked shocked shocked


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
Uh oh! Well at least she does not work there anymore.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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