Stages of grief

[Painter]

Where we left off... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2681651&page=11

Phoebe, I don't know what to say so I'm not posting much. I'm just going back and forth between working, feeling short bursts of 'normal', and grieving in different forms. Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance - but not so much depression, I think - are all cycling rapidly.

I had a lovely day out with my son yesterday, we drove a couple of hours to the nearest great lake and spent a perfect day on the beach under a shade tree - I brought some drawing supplies and spent some time trying to capture the beautiful landscape. My dog had a ball getting soaked while running in and trying to catch the waves, so much that she tried to get my son to open the back hatch on his car today so we could go back! (We normally drive my car to the dog park.)

However, I cried on the way there and back. There's a lot of crying. And some text messaging with H... Which makes me feel both better and worse.

Otherwise I'm really busy with my jobs so that's all I've been doing today - that and laundry. I starting to get a really good tan, though!

[Phoebe]

Well, so much for your pain level and mine tracking alongside each other. I am so sorry that you're back to the rapid cycling and tears. That is no fun whatsoever.

I am glad, though, to hear that you had a nice time with your son in a lovely place and that you were able to bring your art to bear on that beautiful place. A family member of mine was an artist, and I always wished that I had a similar outlet. Art can be so healing and I hope that your art brought a measure of peace to your day.

Sleep well, lovely.

[Surfer]

Hello Painter.

These emotional cycles are difficult and I am sorry you are going through them - I guess pretty much everyone here will have been through or will be going through the same type of feelings. So at least you are not alone and if they can cope you will be able to in time.

I have pasted a poem by Rumi below. I read it carefully and googled about it - to find deeper meanings. It helped. I hope it helps you. It is called "The Guest House", by Rumi..

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

[Phoebe]

I'm just stopping by to check on you today, Painter. I hope that you are having a better day today.

(((Painter)))

That is a wonderful poem, Surfer. Thank you for sharing it, particularly on a day I need to be open to such a message.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

I figured you might have stopped by. It's been a better day. Not 100% tear-free, but 3 long phone calls with good girlfriends and a positive performance review (in spite of doing the worst job I have ever done for the last 6 months) helped.

Son and I went grocery shopping and made an easy dinner tonight, but made some yummy plans for tomorrow (turkey thighs and sweet potatoes baked on top of a bed of veggies in the oven).

Otherwise I'm just working and working - I have a big deadline on Thursday and need to just chew through the work.

I feel like my home was torched. That's the prevailing feeling today. Like I've lost everything, had to walk away with just the clothes on my back.

[Painter]

Hi Surfer - thank you for the poem, it fits very well with where I'm at. My IC says I have an unusal tolerance for facing the pain head on. Sometimes I wish I was better at running away from it.

The group here on DB has been such an enormous help - knowing that we're not alone is just priceless at this low point in our lives.

[J5K]

Painter,

I am sorry you have been struggling. I hope you have a better day tomorrow! I can relate to laundry though! I have two loads of little boys clothes to iron. Got through some of it tonight! Hope to get it done by Thursday since they are now with their mom.

(((Painter)))

[Phoebe]

Hi there! I was just saying something similar to my therapist today. I told him that it felt like life went up in flames 6 months ago.

Anyway, I hope you're still on your positive trajectory today. I'm glad to hear that you've made some good food plans with your son. I really need to start cooking again. It's been 6 months and I still don't cook anything beyond scrambled eggs. I still can't seem to make the effort for just myself. Thank goodness the chickens give me high quality protein every day. I'd be in rough shape without my birdies.

Sweet (non)dreams, Painter.

[Painter]

Phoebe, eggs are great but you do need something else...

If you want something super easy, a mashed banana and two whipped eggs blended together make fantastic pancakes. You can add some flour if you want more of a dough.

I sent H an e-mail last night and asked him to agree to a small, but important change to the separation agreement. I feel it is so very unfair that I will lose alimony if I get remarried while he can just move on unencumbered, and marry OW as soon as we are divorced without any hindrance. It will keep me from moving on. The alimony I get is supposed to be a long-term settlement for what I have lost by marrying H and what I had to walk away from - not just to get me on my own feet.

He kept everything and I have nothing. There weren't any assets to divide, due to some really bad financial decisions on his part during the recession. But he has a home (that I remodeled with my inheritance) and his job and his friends and OW. Everything is the same for him except the woman living there.

I'm living in my son's guest room and my entire life is turned upside down, and I own nothing but my clothes and the car, which currently needs more repairs than it's worth.

I think he should release me from that sexist, unfair contingency. He initially wanted it also if I just lived with someone, but I got that taken out beforehand. Why should a new man in my life be financially responsible for me?

He is sick again, worse than he has been before. It's a stress-related illness that comes on periodically. I'm not surprised that he is stressed and gets sick - he's put himself in a very stressful situation. I doubt that he sees the connection.

[PsySara]

Hi Painter,

Good for you for standing up for your rights, he definitely didn't watch out for your best interests so it behooves you to be assertive. One thing is for sure, he is probably having the fantasy bubble pop now that they are living day-to-day together. The brokenness that led him to cheat is still there and as long as he refuses to look within then he will simply repeat the behavior in this relationship.

What have you been doing to GAL lately? How is your health. The best revenge in this life is a life well lived.