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coffee_

That was a fast turn-about! Keep LiM's thread in mind. He's said multiple times that he didn't wait long enough before calling off the D.

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Hi Coffee,

You are so smart to recognize that she is temperature checking you. She could be testing you to see if you really meant what you said about divorcing her.

She may realize that having you around as her safety net isn't an option for long. She may want to lure you back into that role.

Move forward with your plans to protect yourself. Be the best Coffee and Dad that only a fool would leave. Be cautious with how you proceed.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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I wont fall for the bait. I was super mad yesterday and broke sandi's rule about no fighting. She led me to believe that I was cooking dinner so I planned on it, but then she told me her and her older friends that we have known since we got M'd where going to hang out at her mothers, she invited me but it was a reaction not an action. I am having trouble realizing the differences, maybe she was reaching out who knows, anyways I told her I already had plans.
I do not want to be her safety net, I want to be her H, she should realize that. I called Cristy, not sure I can afford it but will try to figure something out. I do not want a D but have to proceed "as if". She asked if I was reaching for something when I told her to make me an account admin on my phone, and wondered why I was getting my new Bank account. I have a savings account on my own, and she doesn't touch that and wondered why I didn't just use that, I told her because it has her name on it.
She texted 45 minutes ago saying HiYa whatcha doing? Of course I resonded too quickly and haven't heard back from her. Sick of being treated like this. She has the S13 with her and the 2YO that we take care of so I am sure she wasn't trying to figure out where I was so she could go do bad stuff...like she sometimes does. I know Sunday morning is her time to hang with the OM, I think his W works or something. Didn't care, went for a mountain bike ride with my S13 and my buddy. It was a beautiful morning to be out on the trails. Now I am just poking around the house fixing things, keeping my hands busy. I did fix a couple things on her list but it is stuff that needs to be done, and stuff I just don't mind doing. I hate when things break and usually just fix them. We have never had to pay a repair man, and rarely a mechanic in the 21 years of our M. This is how I supported the house. She says I don't put her needs before my own, but I keep the motor running around here, I thought that is what I was supposed to do.
When she said she needed a hobby, I knew she liked to garden, so I suggested a greenhouse. I drew up plans for the greenhouse for her birthday and gave them to her. I didn't end up building that greenhouse but purchased one and built if for her last fall. I remnded her that I do put her needs before mine if needed. She is just needing something else, but won't tell me what. She has also said that all she does is help people (its true) and never has time to be selfish. I told her that her A is the most selfish thing she could have done. I think it boils down to her not being able to tell me what her needs are, and me not being able to recognize them, or read her mind...this M is so broken, I won't give up until it is over, which I am scared to death that it probably will be over. Especially when I am headed down that road. I don't think she will stop it, and I won't stop it because I am stubborn. I remember that day when she told me she was in this forever. I am a rock, I believe what people tell me, especially when it is my best friend of 21 years. I am still trying to get the dagger out of my back. I am detached fairly well, especially now that the fog has cleared from my head. I really do understand how crappy she has treated me, even though she treated me pretty good...hard to understand, but getting easier to accept that it is what it is.
I have a quote that I saw on Anthony Bordain.
Our heads are round so that our thoughts can change direction.
-Allen Ginsberg


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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Coffee, I just wrote this on another thread. I think it is a good thing to consider.


Quote:
One thing I'm a big believer in is writing out what you'd need to see happen before you'd be willing to reconnect emotionally (or physically!) with WAS.

For example, for me I won't ever reconnect with WAS unless at a minimum:
-She tells me she made a terrible mistake
-She ends all contact with OM and all other men
-She tells me she would do anything possible to see if the M can be saved
-She is willing to go to IC, and agree to a complete transparency plan
-She demonstrates to me that this isn't a feeling she's having because things are tough or that she's lonely, but that this is based on beliefs and the realization that steering her life by feelings has been destructive to the family

IF all of those things happened, I would be at least willing to have a conversation with her.


You need to STFU. There is nothing you can do more destructive than having relationship talks. Talking about her affair is absolutely pointless.

Remember, WAW doesn't care about your words, she is watching your actions.

Maybe I can translate for you. When you say "Your affair is selfish"...she sees "Wow, looks like coffee is still attached to me and unable to let go of the marriage, I can continue doing what I'm doing, he's not strong enough to leave me".

See? Because if you were truly done you wouldn't be standing there trading words with a liar.

If I were you I'd go to text/email only, limit exchanges to a sentence or two as needed and as pertinent to the kids, avoid R talks or emotional exchanges, and keep taking action to create more distance. I'd also flesh out exactly the conditions upon which I'd be willing to do more than that as I've said above. And yes, this means if she doesn't stop the affair your M is done and you go the rest of your life without another emotional exchange.

Because it is pointless. I understand the desire for her to see your point of view. How much is lost, how much you hurt, how much you care, what a great guy you are, etc, etc. But she won't. You can get validation from us, but stop looking for it from her.

It's bad enough she can destroy your family. She doesn't deserve to string you along by luring you into emotionally charged conversations.

OK, that is all for this rant. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at her, but I don't want to let you stand by and roll around in the mud with her either.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Thanks for another kick in the pants Zeus, ha! I love that you told me to stfu, got it.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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Doing that stfu thing, she was leaving to go clean her moms house before the mil got back from here road trip. W stayed out there all week. But on her way out she said she was going to do some work out there also. I said see ya. She immediately came over and hugged me goodbye, she is seriously messed up.. She spent last Sunday night out there by herself also. She said she would be an hour 2 hours later she is still gone. S13 asked when she would be home. I really don't care b/c I am really starting to detach, just sad about my S and her disregard for his feelings.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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And yes zuess, today she did lure me into 2 very significant emotional conversations, not about our R but about her dad and her health issues. I just validated her feelings but didn't have any big reactions or major input. She is trying to figure out how to get her Dad, which she has been a caregiver since his brain injury in October, to move back home, away from where we live. Trying to get rid of some baggage I reckon.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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Zuess,
So a list of conditions that I would expect from her if she wishes to reconcile.

I would need to see extreme remorse for what she did and the pain she has caused me and very soon our S13. I need to know that she gets how serious her bad choices are and have been.

She needs to show me through her actions that she is trustworthy. No more unaccounted for time..eg spending 3 hours working from somewhere else.
I would need full access to her social network, phone, email etc...even her work email.
Random drug test, looking for the white drugs, could care less about the pot.

Only then can I start to consider trusting her again.

Question, I think I know the answer, I would show her the list if she shows some type of interest in reconciliation?

Also, working on the balance of GAL and being a good dad. I am trying to do both but don't want to neglect my S13. GAL just has to include him? I try to communicate to STBXW what I am planning etc. but I get no response, I also get no communication as to what she is doing, until maybe last minute, I stopped asking. So should I just plan my day as-if, and plan my GAL activities.
Some advice says to invite her, I am getting the sense from you Zuess that I shouldn't. Planning a 4th of July weekend, about to send an email to her regarding my plans but wondered if inviting her is appropriate.
I am also working on defining my new relationship with her as a co-parent. So trying to schedule times and dates, or at least making an attempt if she doesn't respond I guess just do what I propose, no response means she doesn't have input, just like any other aspect of life and business right?


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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Bump


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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Not sure she will show any sign of R and have no expectations but see question above, any vets have an opinion on this?


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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