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Si_07 #2687162 06/23/16 08:16 AM
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Hey Si, thx for the clarity.

I also realised that I came into the marriage broken. I knew what i stood for but I never stood for anything. Whats happened to us can either be perceived as something that can pull us down or an opportunity.

I've discovered my real purpose, to help people. I'm going to start my honours in psychology and aim to go all the way to doctorate. I believe that we all have a purpose to help people with our God given talents.

We must also be thankful for the things that we have in our lives and the things that we MOST IMPORTANTLY don't have. If you asked me 3 months ago, would i sacrifice my W to find myself, I would say YELL NO. Today, I will not blink an eye.

I had mixed emotions when I got the final divorce papers today, i was not sure if it was ELATION or JOY. Its really all about YOUR perspective - alter your reality or lower your expectations.

Sorry if it comes out preachy...


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ #2687170 06/23/16 08:44 AM
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It's fine. I think the hard part for me is as much as I am ok with this M ending and having to move on as I know I don't need my W back. There is still part of me that would like her back but as we see, she would have to do the work on herself and find the understanding of her part of why this went wrong. I'm just not sure if she is capable of that.

I know I need to fix the broken parts of me, something I will continue to do for my own benefit. I can see now that last year I was actually not much different than she is now, broken emotionally to the point I had put some walls up and could only see my own hurt. Screaming inside to be heard, no different from her and it turned me into someone I don't/didn't recognize.

That's why sometimes I have felt like writing a letter to my W, which I have and my IC thinks I should send it to her. I'm on the fence about it though as W still chose friends over working on our M. She has still shown many ways of the WW with her lies, sneaking around and neglect of the kids. I do think this colleague became an emotional attachment for sure, someone she was not willing to give up. I don't know how much he is in the picture at the moment, as she hasn't done some of the things a WW does. At times she seems like a WAW more these days but has shown no remorse or intention to reconcile.

Honestly, I had one day before BD that I nearly upped and left for a few days. There was no other involvement of someone else for me but things were not right and it needed to get better. Dynamics needed to change on both sides.

Si_07 #2687176 06/23/16 09:17 AM
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I don't think that they are capable either. They're in this spot, along with us as you rightly point out, because our feelings were and are hidden behind a life that was created to cover emotions.

I was going through the motions and never saw this coming, why, cos i was selfish. Selfish to my own needs, and so was/is she still.

But here's the thing, what my STBXWW felt for me was romantic attraction, not real love. She lost that romantic attraction for me about 3 years ago and waited for the right guy to "become" romantically attracted to.

I will never see remorse, because for her, it "feels" like she's done the right thing. Its not cheating, it's butterflies and holding hands and...

But thats her problem. I will look for love in the right place and that is not inside her!


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ #2687698 06/26/16 02:08 PM
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Had a good weekend. Been at a local festival a couple of nights, once with work colleagues, another with some friends. Got a desk for my son so he can work on his homework better, set it up in his room so will see what he thinks when he is back next week, look forward to going shopping with him for his chair. Went to my first meetup meeting, spent most of the day with one of the people I met watching the European Championship soccer.

Not much to report on the W front. Heard from MIL, they are getting shut out and not hearing much but feel W is very confused. Asked me to be friendly if I want to win her back.
Heard from another friend to that W can't understand why we can't be friends, even he laughed at that and is surprised at how much W isn't in reality at the moment.

Is interesting, I had never heard the quote 'Not my circus, not my monkeys' before but I come across it so much more often these days.

Si_07 #2687782 06/27/16 05:17 AM
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Si,
I was introduced to the term, 'Not my circus, not my monkeys' by a dear db friend who doesn't really post here now.

I find it really useful as I am someone who could never say, 'No'. Every time I feel like have to fix someone else's bad, or I start to feel overly apologetic, or I get worked up, overwhelmed, this becomes sort of a mantra.

As for your W, I don't know if you could be friendly/ civil without being a friend or a fixer?


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD #2687797 06/27/16 06:44 AM
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Thanks Grl, I have realized as I look at myself that I have always been a 'fixer'. With friends and family and to an extent people that haven't even been friends. I guess I've learnt that I wasn't very good at setting boundaries to protect myself, I would help people out even whenever I could, would alter my plans to do so. Have now learnt more about how when I have gone looking for similar things in return, if I've needed the help with something, it has rarely been there. However, I would just deal with myself and not say anything, learning now how much that has built inside of me as I have pushed those thoughts and feelings down. It has then become ingrained in me over the years to become less trusting and in turn rarely ask for what I need.

I think W is putting across that I'm not friendly is more me not being available or getting what she wants. I think she wants more communication about kids etc since she tells me all the things she does for them, what she buys them etc. I think I'm supposed to be doing the initiating of the communicating more in her eyes and giving her the same level of information. She regularly throws in a little comment about something regarding herself like I'm supposed to follow up with questions. I haven't done so, I have just been civil and kept my contact to facts, logistics etc. I have been more assertive in what I want, not dropped whatever I had planned to fit her ideas. This has also been more of a way of focusing on me and sorting my own issues out first.

I do have the feeling at times of trying to fix this situation but that's why I have found this quote useful. I just want to take time for me to grow and learn about myself at this moment in time.

Si_07 #2687870 06/27/16 12:53 PM
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Just had 6 TM's from W tonight. Haven't read them all yet or responded as I'm watching the football. I'm now curious as to how many I'm going to get. Like why not write an email with all this info rather than all these different texts.... It's almost attention seeking by buzzing me every few minutes.

Si_07 #2687871 06/27/16 12:59 PM
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Make that 7...

Si_07 #2687875 06/27/16 01:08 PM
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sorry 8... :-)

Si_07 #2687957 06/28/16 01:21 AM
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So it finished at 8 texts and 2 photos. Mostly about S7, cream she had bought for him (photos of the 2 creams). I know from reading many of Sandi's posts that we as LBS can use the kids as a good reason to hold on and initiate contact. This is something I haven't done, unless it for logistic reasons. I don't send messages of what I have bought them, what I give them to eat etc. these are the kind of messages I get from W. If I do respond, it's normally just "ok, cheers" or something along those lines.

Can the WW use the same method as a way of temp checking or holding if they are feeling us moving away?

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