Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[SH_]

Still feeling low. I'll need to quit my addiction to her and find a way to keep moving ahead for me.

I look, feel, act very different from where I was months ago - still very empty. Considering I have so much going on, it's amazing how obsessed I am with her.

Bigybiz,
Drop by my thread and read Vanilla's thoughts and wise advice for detaching . Very good strategies for putting it into practice.
Ripe also shares some wise words around this ever important and challenging act needed for us LBS's.

Your wife's roller coaster does not seem to be slowing down for anything or anyone of late.
Keep your chin up and your actions moving forward. The heart and mind will follow with time and consistent actions.

Man hug for ya my brother.

(((Bigy)))

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: You are so right.

The W is so focused on her story. She is the victim and now even the kids are her enemy. S 15 told her not to visit. We have retracted that she is now visiting (as opposed to her moving back in).

She is still harping on that. She is telling me that the kids and I told her she is not welcome in her house. Grow up.

So no remorse from her. I guess it is possible that it may never come.

I'm beginning to think the MC is a bad idea now. Maybe I should just let her lead that. It's probably a no win scenario.

Are you avail for DB coaching? I really liked by DB coach - it was very conciliatory. I think your approach is more of what I need?

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: One more thing. She keeps telling me I broke her i.e. neglect, financial mismanagement, etc. Never mentions her withdrawal from our MR or how she punished me etc, etc.

Is the only solution to this - she seeing the kids and I going on with our lives without her?

[bigybiz]

SH:

I did a search. I could not find any of the links you were talking about. Can you cut and paste them for me?

Also, how does the messaging system work?

[SH_]

Vanilla and Ripe share more on detachment

This should link you to my current thread. The info are the last 2 posts.

Hope you find it as useful as I have .

[sandi2]

Is the only solution to this - she seeing the kids and I going on with our lives without her?

The solution to what? The M problems? She seems to think you were the problem. You say you have made a lot of improvements. So, do you still agree with her? If not, then why are you still listening to her b.s.? I know you are, b/c you are repeating all the crapola she said. It will keep you attached as long as you believe what she says.

The real problem is not you. Do you know what it is? It is her wayward mindset. You could be next to perfect, but with her mindset the way it is, she would twist everything around and still blame you. If she won't cooperate; wants everything her way; and she is not willing to work with the MC, what can you do...........outside of rolling over and playing dead? That was what you were doing when you first arrived on the board, so you know that doesn't work too well.

If you don't want her back the way she is currently (WW), then you may need to see what legal steps to take in protecting yourself and the kids. If she planning to rent a basement apartment, hopefully she won't bulldoze her way into the house...........but you never know. I'm not telling you to D her, I'm just suggesting you protect yourself before she blindsides you with something else.

Then I suggest you leave her alone. Live your life to suit you and the boys. If she should decide to get on board, then she may try to bulldoze again.....and if she does, you tell her it won't work that way. When she decides to do whatever it will take to save the MR, then she will go to you, with the right attitude and ask you what it will take from her to save it. But she is not going to be impressed with your changes, as long as she can tell you she's moving back whether you like it or not.

Stop having meals together. If she's over and wants to eat with the boys, then you need to go somewhere else. Don't hang out as a family with her (watching tv, going out to eat, etc.). Frankly, I would check with the lawyer to see if you have to let her stay there when it's her turn to have the boys. She probably knows that is the only way the boys will stay around her.

Don't have "family" events with her. No invitations to things, as long as she remains this WW you see before you. Time to go as dark as possible. The good thing about having teenagers is that they can communicate for themselves and you don't have to be answering her text messages. You can tell her to call them direct, and if she whines that they won't answer.........,that is a problem between her and her boys. I think you should tell her so, and that she has to work it out with them, b/c that her relationship with the boys.

Whenever a WW removes herself from the family home and her H/ children.........she removes herself from the umbrella of "protection and care" that a H usually shows for his W. Maybe it's time she sees that side of her decision.

Time for you to be the one who calls the shots, and another reason you need to protect yourself legally.

[job]

Please start a new thread.

[bigybiz]

Job: Your timing is perfect

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks - I really needed that. With the end of the school year the timing will be perfect. I don't want her back like this and if she continues to be this WW - I'll never be happy with her. D20 says her mum is a quitter. If she is truly quitting the MR - then it's time for me to move on.

If she is going to quit her new fascination/community/career in 3 or 5 years and come back - we will just have to see.

The going dark is easy - that I don't have any problems with. The detaching is a process. I'll stick with the MC as it was my idea and he does not take any nonsense from her. That's why she quit before. So I'll stick with it - but I will not bring up reconciliation at all.

New chapter ahead.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: One more thing - is my W a WW or a WAW?

I used to think she was a WAW because of everything I did. But with her EA and refusing to acknowelge it as an EA and her being consumed in her work/community makes me think she is WW.

What do you think?



new thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2687818#Post2687818