Also, I definitely feel like she wants to rug sweep, she still gets very defensive when I bring stuff up, even the MC noticed it when I asked W a question in counseling, the MC told her I asked the question very softly and W immediately got defensive.
This stuck out to me. Not rug sweeping an A in my sitch, but more like rug sweeping the entire marriage. If I bring anything up, I'm a monster. If I just give in to the "the whole marriage was a bad idea let's just part peacefully" thing... well that is no good either.
Following your story. Keep hanging on for the ride.
Me: 34, W: 39 T: 10y, M: 8y D 4, D 6 2nd M for both BD: 4/22 status: separate beds, GAL, hopeful
Just wanted to throw out a couple options regarding Snapchat. I agree you can't control her to remove it, but maybe if you asked if she would be willing to uninstall it for just a couple months, to give you more time to heal and you guys to continue to strengthen your R? Alternately (or if that doesn't fly), what if *you* installed Snapchat and started using it and encouraging her to Snapchat you?
I get your concerns, but if it's something you have to learn to live with, using it with her might help you see it as more of a neutral communication tool and less of a dangerous affair-facilitator.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
I did download snap chat so I could figure out how it works, and she threw it in my face that I downloaded it just cause she did...
I'm done asking her to do anything, I'm just gonna see what she does. I've made my feelings clear, now it's on her.
As far as being a neutral communication tool, I asked my son, who uses it frequently why he uses it, and he said I really don't like it but it's the easiest way to send pics... Didn't make me feel very good. He had no idea why I was asking, FYI.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
"Good People" can be judged by the behavior and wouldn't you agree a "good person" would change their behavior if it was hurting their spouse?
What would you do if your weren't afraid?
Your wife might get upset if you ask her to delete the snapchat app, step back from social media and|or quit that job ====> HOWEVER, your marriage can survive her being angry. Her anger is a much smaller risk to your marriage than her continuing to work with OM and continuing her stupid phone apps that are hurtful and disrespectful in light of her recent "mistake".
You're a good husband >>> if she asked you delete chitchat would it bother you?
All that being said, I'm NOT saying your wife is an awful person but these short-lived little mistakes can blow up into a new way of life and you'll never see the "good wife" you knew and loved ever again. The habits and practices in your marriage previous to her affair haven't changed ---> they've actually gotten worse.
"Piecing" isn't just about staying married and not upsetting your spouse. It's about making your marriage better or, more precisely, building a new marriage from the ground up. At some point YOUR BOUNDARY (what it's gonna take to keep you interested in repairing and, ultimately continuing in this relationship) must include that things need to be better....extraordinary even.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Yes, she's a good person who made a bad mistake. She really seems ot be trying to rebuild the M. Honestly? Compared to all the other A's here, I don't think she ever wanted to leave you or build a new life, as most other cheating spouses on here wanted and have actually done. That's why I think she is a good person who f*cked up big time. That's why your marriage stands a chance. Of course, if you can't get passed it, that's your personal decision, absolutely. Any kind of an A is a dealbreaker for some.
As for snap chap being deleted, if it bothers you that much, ask her to delete it. If it will actually make you feel better, then ask. Don't ask if it's because its out of principle. You might as well have her delete everything social media. We all know this day in age, we would all be having some horrible withdrawl symptoms, it's how we stay connected. But if you ask her to delete it all, you should do the same.
As far as her job, I have to disagree with GB here. It's her job. Snap chat is s stupid app. She might be angry for the snapchat thing, and yes, a marriage can survive anger.
There is one thing a marriage cannot survive. That is resentment. It will not survive if you resent her forever for the A. Nor will it survive if she resents you for making her give up her job.
As far as sweeping it under the rug. I think it's almost a good sign. I think she actually feels enough guilt she can't discuss it. I think she is scared that speaking up it will ruin reconciliation efforts. But I certainly think you need to discuss it and understand some thing. So my suggestion to you is to agree with W that MC is the time you guys will discuss it for now, not at home, because you do need to deal with it.
This must be very hard. It's where the most work. I say keep your eye on the prize without sacrificing your boundaries. Boundaries because they are truly things you cannot have in your M. Maybe time to define those a little better
Ginger, fire fighting is not her job, she has a job that pays well, we actually work together. She is going through fire academy to be a "Volunteer" fire fighter, she's been in the academy for 3 months (A started about 1 month into it). Being a volunteer firefighter means when firemen are needed in our city, they all get paged and report to their station (her station is the same as OM). Last night she got paged and went to the station at 1:30am, guess who else would of gotten that same page.
She text me when she got there and told me who was there and OM wasn't one of the names (but would she tell me if she wanted to have A?).
Being that it's volunteer firefighting, does that change your thoughts?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I really should gather my thoughts before hitting submit.
Pps - I can forgive the A and drop resentment, I actually was happy and forgave for about two weeks before we went to MC, but I am having a hard time gaining trust. I do resent that she puts fire fighting before our M, and when she said matter of factory that she WONT quit firefighting to our MC, I resented that statement. She could of said I understand how much it hurts him, but I really don't WANT to quit, but instead she said WONT, meaning to her it's not an option.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
If it is something she is truly passionate about, then if she quit, she may still be very resentful.
I can sit here and say "her bad", she shouldn't have cheated then. But nonetheless, if she is as passionate as she says about being a volunteer fighter, she will be resentful.
I'm just being real. If it really is a dealbreaker for you though, you need to be honest. I'm not judging that. Like I said, resentment is a marriage killer. If your resent her for keeping the job, and she resents you for making her leave the job, it's going to be a problem.
Say she quits the FD. What is the next thing she does that isn't acceptable that she needs to give up?
Before you have her do it, you need to really really sit down and have your boundaries straight because if she keeps doing things and you don't like them and want her to give them up as you go along, it will be controlling resentment.
Truth is, if she wants to have an A, she'll have an A. At the firehouse, at her fulltime job, with the gardener...
she si giving you full transparency. I can't say anything for sure. No one can say anything for sure. Right now, she doesn't seem to want an A.
