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There was the first discussions between my wife and me today, initiated by her. It started out as a suggestion to be careful about me getting angry about her going out if town with the kids in earshot. The conversation progressed to trust issues of me snooping in her email and me trusting her that the affairs are over.

The short is that she will limit discussions with my BIL but she is nit interested in working on iur relationship.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate #2687778 06/27/16 04:37 AM
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Quote:
The short is that she will limit discussions with my BIL but she is nit interested in working on iur relationship.


Rather ironic that the cheater is laying out the ground rules for the spouse who has been betrayed. She can toot the trust word at you all she wants, but she is the untrustworthy spouse, not you. Don't forget it. She will flip this around and try to make it appear as though you have violated her privacy by snooping and now she can't trust you. Do not allow her to play that game.

Since her lover is your sister's husband, it makes this whole situation very critical. It could destroy the entire family's relationship. Let's say that your W and brother-in-law run off together, maybe get married (I have actually seen this happen in a family). They will be gone and you and your sister will continue being siblings. When your sister finds out........and she will find out.........the first thing she will ask you is, "Did you know"?

Did the DB coach tell you what to do when your sister faces you, wanting to know why you would not tell her? Are you prepared to keep this secret from her and your parents for the rest of your life?

I am not a fan of exposure, but I do make rare exceptions....like when it is within a family, and the WW has no intentions of working on her M. First of all, your W and brother-in-law should not see or talk to each other. An affair has to end abruptly and go cold turkey (there are no closures for affairs or tapering off). She has basically told you to suck it up b/c she's going to continue contacting him. She has the audacity to tell you that you'll just have to trust the affair is over! So, every time the family meets for dinner, you will be subjected to sitting there and make nice while they make eyes at each other?

Did your coach tell you how to deal with those types of situations?

Have you seen or talked to BIL since you discovered the affair? Does he know that you know? He should be scared sh'tless that his W will find out........or scared of you! If he thinks you are going to be a good little boy while he plays with your W, he will make your life hell.

You need to think this through very carefully, before you decide what action to take. Do not warn your W of anything you are thinking, or anything you may do. Tell her nothing. Let her wonder what you are thinking. (I have a feeling she's not very worried, based on what she told you about her continuing to talk to OM).

I think it will boil down to you having a choice to make in where you place your loyalties, and what "doing the right thing" would mean to you.

To your knowledge, has your sister's H ever cheated on her in the past? Has your own W ever had an inappropriate contact with the opposite sex in the past?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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The biggest fear of my wife right now is exposure of her EA with my BIL and the effect on my kids lives. They are like siblings with their cousins, and exposure would mean very little contact with their cousins. From the same token, exposure would destroy my wife's whole life. She has tried to build a life independent of me, but outing her would destroy all of her relationships...my family, her own family, my BILs family who we are also close to. It would shatter her world.

Our kids lives are everything to her, and outing her would have dramatic repercussions on our kids lives as well as my sisters 4 kids.

My wife wants to stay together for the kids. She told me she feels trapped now...and her physical affair dying off has made her feel stuck like this. She also said that she agrees with me that our current situation is not a stable one in the sense that I likely will not want to continue in a loveless marriage. She swears she has no intentions of divorcing me now and that a divorce would have to be initiated by me.

I believe her in that regard. She told me that for years she has just been playing the role of wife, showing me affection just to keep us together but that she won't do that anymore.

This hurts me because I care dearly for her in spite of everything she has done.

I can threaten to out her or at the least tell my BIL that I know what's going on, and she will make a clean break from him to save the relationship between the cousins. But, that will make me the bad guy and make her resent me more.

So summary: I can force a cold turkey stop to the EAP with my BIL, but that will act to trap my wife further. She is not scared of me divorcing her because she has no interest in loving me again. She is terrified of me outing her, destroying her lifestyle, my kids relationship with cousins, my sisters family, and many close family relationships...it would be a horrendous windfall.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 185
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Neither my wife nor BIL have had affairs in the past. If my wife's EA comes out to everyone, then things can head one of two ways: Wife will leave since her biggest fear came true and she has nothing to lose, or she will stay, feeling more trapped with her lifestyle of traveling to see relatives destroyed.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate #2687840 06/27/16 10:17 AM
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I've read on this forum that the WAW needs a big event to bring her back to reality. Outing her EA with my BIL would absolutely be a huge awakening, but it could very well end our M in an instant.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate #2687847 06/27/16 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted By: Tate
She told me that for years she has just been playing the role of wife, showing me affection just to keep us together but that she won't do that anymore.


Remember, don't believe anything she says. For lack of a more impactful way to say it, I think she's blowing smoke up your @ss.

Tate #2687848 06/27/16 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted By: Tate
The biggest fear of my wife right now is exposure of her EA with my BIL and the effect on my kids lives.


If she was that concerned about it she would not have been in the affair. There were a few times I thought of getting in an A, but I didn't put myself into that situation and I new the damages that could happen were not worth any kind of pleasure I got out of it.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
RDS #2687851 06/27/16 11:06 AM
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I told her that in no uncertain terms that she made this mess and had crossed the line by her own decisions. When I told her my sister needs to know what's going on, she disagreed and told me that if I out her EA, it would be me destroying all of my family's relationships. Of course, I told her bull****. I told her that eventually my sister was going to find out. She said there is no way, at which point I reminded her that I found out. ..She's in denial that her EA caused our marriage problems and is causing my sisters marriage problems.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate #2687854 06/27/16 11:11 AM
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Posts: 185
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To some degree I want to focus on how to rebuild my marriage...how to get my wife interested in trying to rebuild. She is stonewalled now and believes that she has no desire to have a relationship with me. All she does is talked about the bad things in our marriage...the whole absolute negatives thing.

How do I start to turn the ship around and have her want to work on our relationship? On a separat ed note, I will be traveling out of the country for 2 weeks soon, and I know she has a hard time doing everything while I'm gone.


M 17 years
3 kids
EA start 2010
ILYBNILWY 1/2014
PA 1/2016
Bomb drop 2/2016
Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016
Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate #2687868 06/27/16 12:46 PM
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Quote:
I've read on this forum that the WAW needs a big event to bring her back to reality. Outing her EA with my BIL would absolutely be a huge awakening, but it could very well end our M in an instant.


Stop right there. In this particular situation, it should be about your integrity and doing what you believe is right. Doing the right thing should be your primary concern, and whether it wakes up your WW is secondary.

Your WW is saying all the things every other WW has said. Plus, she is basically making you feel responsible for fixing........or rather, covering her mess. Whenever the H takes the blame for his W's A........he is setting himself up to fail. In your case, it will take down your sister with you. Your WW is trying to make you think you will be responsible for tearing your family apart........when in reality, it is your WW and BIL who have done the damage by cheating on their spouses. Nobody is responsible for an A, except the two involved.

She believes she has you over a barrel by telling you it will ruin the lives of your children and the lives of your relatives by telling the truth. However, let me warn you, if you lie to them by covering her A..........she will never open her heart to you again. Why? B/c two wrongs do not make a right, and your M will based on a lie...........and so will your sister's.
Not only will she never respect you b/c of your lack of integrity, but the chances of her becoming involved in a PA (either with the BIL or another man) and finally leaving you......are even greater.

She should be begging and pleading with you. Instead, she's threatening and demanding. That tells me something about both of you. And the pitiful thing is that you are worried about losing her, aren't you? Not b/c of your kids, or anything or anyone else..........only you. And, you are afraid of making her mad b/c you think it could cause her to leave. I find it interesting that based on your account, she just assumes you will stick by her. Why is she not worried that she can cheat on you...... and you not dump her?

I'll give you a little history about some people who have come here. An over-whelming majority are made up by LBS's. I have been here nine years and it has been extremely rare to see a WAS/WS post. Would you like to know about a few WW's that came here with broken hearts over their own cheating behavior and asking for help to save their M? Oh, and of course, their A's had ended, so why were they here on a DB board? One common factor for those women was as soon as the H would discover his W had cheated........he was gone. You wanted to know something that woke them up? Well, there it is.

Anyway, it is your decision. Whatever you decide, you will have to live with it. I hope you make the right one.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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