Let me introduce myself: I'm a very fit 40 yr old male with 3 kids under the age of 9 and a wife of 17 years who wanted a divorce but doesn't anymore. Sounds great? Yeah, it would be if she didn't want to just live as roommates.
Abridged story: Wife and I had great marriage for 3 years, I developed a disorder that put severe stress on our marriage. We had kids and she grew distant over the years, doing things with the kids and excluding me. I would call her out on it and she would deny excluding me.
At some point a couple years ago, she told me she loved me only as a family member. February 2016, she told me she wanted a divorce and had a whole plan of getting our finances straight and separating in a year.
I read Divorce busting, saw a local marriage counselor, and started the DB phone counseling. Local counselor was convinced she was having an affair. I was 99 percent sure she wasn't until I found some very intimate messages from her to another man. After digging a bit, I found out she had an ongoing emotional affair with my brother in law and had very recently had a physical affair with another man.
The physical affair had run its course and was over. Shortly after, my wife said she no longer wants a divorce. The problem is she is still talking to my brother in law, won't let me touch her at all now, and sleeps on the couch.
I've tried being the best person I can around her, but a couple days ago, I slipped up and got mad at her because she was taking the kids out of town to visit my sister and brother in law without me. She reiterated that she is only with me for the sake of the kids and has no desire to rebuild our marriage.
I'm at my wits end with this. She swears I'm the best dad in the world and we get along great but she is still keeping secrets from me and has no desire to reconcile. Do I keep trying to build a relationship doing 180s, do I move on, do I sit down and talk with her?
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Correction, I read Divorce Remedy. The difficulty I've found is that my wife no longer wants a divorce and we get along great. It seems like going dark or moving on without her would make her angry at this point.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate, I'm sorry to see you here, but you've come to the right place.
I'm gonna keep this short for right now, but let me ask you:
1. You've not gone dark for years, is that working?
2. Does it make you mad that your W is having EAs and PAs? Why are you worried about her getting mad if you just do you and let her be?
3. Does your sister know about the A? I'm usually against outing the A, but I would seriously have to consider telling my sister if my W was having an A with her H, and my sister was inviting my W over for vacation.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I've never gone dark because of my kids. Over the last two years, my wife became more critical of me. Anything I did ot said was taken in a negative light. Once she wanted a D, she lightened up a ton. The local therapist said it was because she was relieved to make a decision. We get along better now than we have in years.
I'm furious about the affairs. The physical because she was a virgin when we got married (strict Catholic), and the EA because of the 6+ years of her lying to me.
My sister does not know about her husband. I found out because I called my sister for advice upon finding out about the affairs, and my wife sent me a msg to stop calling people. I put it together that me sister told her husband we were having problems and he told my wife I had called her. My wife slipped up. I don't know if I should tell my sister because it will make a huge mess.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
because she was taking the kids out of town to visit my sister and brother in law without me. She reiterated that she is only with me for the sake of the kids and has no desire to rebuild our marriage.
I'm not sure what the answer is but this is not an affair with a random person, this is your sister's husband. Now she is taking the kids to visit YOUR sister (and a man she is having an EA with) without you. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your sister but through all the crap I've gone thru with my H one of the things that always infuriated me was thinking how H would feel if somebody was treating his daughters or sister the way he was treating me. What would you do if you found out BIL was having an affair and it wasn't your W? Would you tell your sister? How will your sister feel if she finds out and knows that you knew but didn't tell her? BTW, your wife didn't slip up past tense...it is ongoing. Again, I'm not sure what the answer is as far as telling your sister, just some things to think about.
Whatever it is that you are doing doesn't seem to be working. It's comfortable that you are getting along better but it doesn't seem like you're any closer to saving your M. I think what we all tend to forget is that DBing isn't JUST about saving our marriage, it's about saving ourselves. Your wife has made a decision to continue to live together as roommates while she is continuing to have an EA which she probably doesn't consider an affair because she told you the M is over. You need to really start applying things you have learned in DR and figure out what works. Work on yourself and what changes you can make. Figure out what 180s you can do and GAL! Focus on you and your kids.
There are some people on the site who are very good at DBing, I'm not one of them! lol I have managed to stop the D and as far as I know the affairs but our M is far from what I want. How long are you going to be satisfied living like roommates? You have to make some changes in yourself and how you are interacting with your W.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I did 3 sessions with a coach, and she was very helpful at helping me stop the D. At that point, the advice I was given was to treat my wife like an out of tiwn guest...be polite and somewhat limited in interactions. As far as my sister goes, I was told that if it would upset my wife, I should avoid it. She specifically added that I had my own problems to deal with and to minimize new problems. It was very good advice.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
