Pink, I have to echo the other posters...your posting was well thought out and I, too, am glad to see you are so positive!
Keep up the good work! It all takes time to find your footing and when you do...you will soar w/the eagles!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Pink, that's interesting that friends can see your XH is rather lost. I had that too from a friend recently. She was a good friend to us both when we S and tried to tread that difficult path of staying in touch with us both. But when I saw her the other day, she said XH hasn't contacted her for months. I can tell she thinks it's pretty strange that he would just nuke the friendship..stuff like this is telling I think.
I agree with others, it sounds as though you are doing well in all circumstances. It may be no bad thing to have a little distance with your XH - and perhaps try to see this as healing time for you. I guess he will decide what he will WRT his living arrangements. They sound rather like the kind of house share arrangements you get with recent graduates. I hope it will be a better environment for him having the kids over perhaps?
None of it is easy, but you are moving forward and learning and I think that is as much as we can all ask of ourselves.
Love and hugs to you Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So, done with S18's graduation and college stuff is well under way. All paperwork in place and he has a 2 days orientation to pick up his classes, then we will finalize the financial side of it and it doesn't seem too bad after all.
I have no idea if XH will help him financially since he is always crying about money, but I will help him as much as I can.
S22 is a lot better but still lacking confidence. I have been bothering him to get a job and start paying for his own life even if he decides to live in a house.
I have been very understanding that he went through hell with the misdiagnose and meds but he needs to move on and see that he can do better for himself and leave some things behind. I know it is not easy, but he needs at least to start facing the challenge.
S16 is a mix of feeling good and hopeful one day and feeling super bad and hopeless next. I guess I need to be patient with him since his hormones are all over the place for being 16, and plus all what he went through. He is still the baby and I am his punching bag for his negativity but his good pillow for hugs and comfort. I can't complain, he is a lovely boy.
About me, haven't been doing a lot for my career, at least not in the speed I would like to be, but moving slow and steady. On the faith side, have been awaken to my believes and my R with God, I am so happy for what I find inside myself now, I can't really explain how. It was there all the time, I felt like someone was beside me, around me all the time. The biggest difference is that now I am also with my lovely companion, now I am with my God, and that is a smile inside my soul.
I feel purpose, I feel happy even when the world in crumbling. I feel peace, many of my tears are with joy for having him inside of my heart.
AND NOW, WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW; Regarding XH... Friday 6/9 he came to my house at 6:30pm to pick up the kids to spend the weekend with him in his new place that he is renting and has two bedrooms and a bathroom. The house belong to a guy that works in his company and is also divorced. This guy is a LBS, his wife went crazy and left him with two kids, 11 and 6 years old.
I just hope that the guy is not in this board and he shows XH how great it is around here and that this nice people give him lots of advices about his WW. Aghrrr... scary stuff.
I said hi to XH, mention some snow in Brasil and then went to my room. He stayed at my house until 8:30pm. I don't know why, but did not question either. I just did let go.
Well, anyway. The kids hated it, slept on the floor and did not like. I told them that it was the first time and they will eventually get use to it.
But, they brought back a bunch of dirty clothes and on sunday after church I spoke w/XH and said that I would like him to understand since the beginning that once the kids are with him for the weekend, that he is also responsible for the clothes. And I don't care if the kids do that or him, but I will send clean clothes out and expect clean clothes back.
He was upset and quite offended saying that he understands what I was saying but he didn't like the way I was saying it, like I was trying to teach him how to be a dad.
I said that not at all, I just want to make sure we are in the same page and I don't need to deal with this detail on sunday afternoon. I said that I have a lot to do and it was not my responsibility.
And guess what... I should have walked away, but I bought into his marry go round Pity Party. He then said all what is the same old. I left him, I divorced him before he asked me for the divorce, I did not love him for a long time, he was not right for me, he is just a dog in the street, he is nobody... and so on and on.
I told him he was right about many things I did not do during our marriage, but I do not forget the reason why I did what I did sometimes. I shouldn't, but I said to him that life was unfair with both of us and we had too much to deal with, and I was very occupied, worried and tired with S22 sickness.
Well, we hugged, hugged and hugged a little more time to time as we were talking about the same things we always talk related to our R and breakup. I did not cry that day. He did.
He also said a million times how much he still loves me and that I still do not believe him. CRAZY? Maybe not, but very hard to deal with since it is also the guy that does not want to get back with me.
So, I noticed that if I would let go on the rejection feeling I have, then maybe I would start believing that he really loves me.
But it is so hard to hear someone that left you to say that they still love you a lot. That you are still their only family and friend.
It is all so crazy sometimes that I can't start describing how insane it is to hear all this. And, he does not move. He said that I was talking it all black and white and I said that I was just being fast and practical and not taking much of his time.
He then says that he is never on a hurry when talking to me. That always have time to spare if we need to talk. And then he thank me for asking to talk with him.
Really??? This MLC stuff will leave me crazy too.
We left in good terms after 1 and a 1/2 hour talking. We hugged and he squeezed me strong, then he said "OOPS" and I said I feel that way too, like taking off the clothes was just the next step. He smiled and said "it was always like this with us, no Pink?, it's actually good to leave feeling this way".
Ha,Ha,Ha... funny boy!!! Well I left and lets see if he will clean the clothes next time.
XH was traveling all week and was supposed to be back today. It is my birthday today.
Then at 12:30pm I get a call from him and he wants to wish me a Happy Birthday. I was in shock. XH does not wish me happy BDay for the last three years.
He said that he want me to know that I am loved, that he loves me very, very much and that he thanks God that I am alive and part of his life.
I said that I was happy he called and I appreciate him saying all this.
He asked me if I was going out with my friends and I said yes. Then he wished me a happy party, that I enjoy the Grateful Dead band and the time with my friends. I said that it is yet something to understand, that my BDay I will see this band. That maybe life is showing me what I avoided for so long..
(just that you will understand, XH loves this Grateful Dead stuff and I don't. For many years he would go to this band's concerts and I did not go with him, now he is not going and I am celebrating a birthday in a private party with them)
Well, he was not in a hurry on the phone, we talked and he wished me more like 3 or 4 times happy BDay. I politely said to him that I appreciate his gesture, and that I needed to go back to work.
It was a good feeling to be nice to him, to say nice things and yet end the call.
I know, you are laughing now, saying that after 2years Pink is still applying some DB techniques. I can't believe myself either. But I am, every time is a time to improve my techniques and maybe, just maybe, my chances in getting my family back together one day.
WHY? Because I am still in love with him, I have been trying in many ways to let it go and try to forget him, but I can't. So, I keep trying until the day my heart will wake up and say that there is nothing there anymore.
Then I will be free. Until then, I try.
Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Here is hot like hell today and will be hotter on the weekend. Nice lovely summer days!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, Bright, RD and Sotto for the Happy BDay wishes, I really appreciated. Funny, but this year I celebrate my birthday with people that I don't know all that well.
Had a party with my Divorce Group friends and loved it. It was fun and sometimes I did not think about anything at all. I just enjoyed the moment.
