GGrass that is exactly what I am dealing with right now. Luckily that last situation happened in front of a therapist. He must have been grooming her for a while and the meeting was supposed to help us transition to a new custody arrangement. He has been sweet as pie, totally on board with everything, charm turned way up for me for the past few months. Then BAM, in that meeting I saw right away that the old body language was back and that this wasn't going to go the way I was hoping it would (even though I knew better than to completely trust his recent persona.
So the conversation started. We talked custody for all of two minutes then it quickly turned to OW and how he wants to tell the kids about her. The C and him have apparently been in talks and I realized this meeting was more about getting me on board with making them turn a pile of [censored] into a bed of roses so he doesn't have to own how disgusting the situation is.
Whatever. I said, that is his mess to take care of. I have no interest in taking any part of it. He tried to pull the "she is so hung up on me and thats the problem" but I didn't bite. I kept it focus on the kids, and it wasn't even a struggle because that is the only thing I care about. He even threatened to take them out of school because of how uncomfortable OW is. Be my guest. You tell them they can't go there anymore because she takes precendence. Not being connected to the place and being able to move away from there with the kids is a dream come true for me.The therapist agreed that I had a lot of good points and he started to unravel because things weren't going the way he orchestrated and he doesn't handle that well.
When he realized the conversation wasn't going to go his way he started the bomb throwing. How much his family loves OW and hates me. How crazy I am. Unpredictible, "delusional about my relationships with people" the C called him out on being mean.
The session ended with no custody resolved. He called me crazy as he left.
The end of the week I came home around 10:30 and there was a car parked in front of my house with a sticker that is related to the place where they work. None of my neighbors have any connection to that place and I live in a road that is really inconvenient to get to so no one would accidentally find themselves there. After I parked I approached the car to see who it was, and the guy drove a way. It was a man on the phone, lookiing straight ahead, obviouslly ignoring the fact that I was approaching. I was more focused on seeing who it was that I forgot to get a plate number or note the make and model of the car.
The next morning H called with his PR hat back on. He told the kids about OW. I said nothing as he rambled on about he told the kids he had to apologize to me for things--but he wasn't going to do that right now over the phone. LOL. Non-apology. I love it! Becuase I was shaken up by the ccar the night before, my mother stayed with me and heard his schpeal on the phone.
So while a car connected to his job was parked in front of my house, he told the kids about OW. Coincidence? The next morning he dropped them off to me early. Avoiding the aftermath of his bomb drop and leaving it on me. I had to cancel some of my jobs (costing me $150) so that I could be there for them for support. That's ok with me, but so typically spineless of him to do it that way.
The worst part is that even though I no better, his insults still found a place in my head. Not right away but a few days later. I met with my C and she says this is a good thing. It was a safe place to have taht kind of discussion and his true colors are showing to the neutral party that he has been trying to win over.
Back to the waiting game, and time for some surveilance cameras.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I have read some of your story, but not all. I am always intrigued by your insightful thoughts in many of your posts.
I am not in a place to share much advice, but your last post makes my heart hurt for you and the sitch you are in seems surreal. You are in my prayers and I pray that you may get to a place of peace in the midst of the chaos the wh is creating. It sound so selfish and insane.
(((mustardseed)))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Positive points about what went down this week: >His true colors are showing. He even resorted to childish tactics of whispering my typical annual income during our marriage under our breath so that he could lead into tearing me down for losing my job last year. I didn't bite, the therapist told him he was being unnecessarily mean.
>I was strong in my convictions and opinions but did not personally attack or try to defame him or his family, and I was honest about how I feel about OW. I don't like her or have any respect for her. I am not going to pretend any different. And I'm not going to make the kids feel like they have to take sides, but I am not going to lie to them about my feelings if they ask. As far as I'm concerned there is no need for me to ever discuss her with the kids unless they bring it up, in which case my motto is, be honest--but don't tell them more than they need to know. The C said that was fair. He didn't like that. In his mind being honest is the same as bad mouthing. I guess that is true for someone who wants to always get away with doing awful things. Lies and secrets are their only defense.
>The A is no longer a secret
>His image with the kids is in full fledge damage control so the love bombing will continue (they are safe for a little longer) They seem to be ok (of course he didn't actually tell them about the A just that he and OW are BFFs and love each other--which D already knew and S saw through).
>He is starting to reveal that his big issue with custody is that he doesn't want to be tied into seeing them as frequently as I was trying to arrange.
I am judgy about the whole thing, and let some of that slip out with the kids, but I am getting that under wraps. One moment of weakness.
I am doing some overload reading of narc abuse today to keep it all in perspective. Separating the reality from his set design. That is for me to do. They still have to live in his self-made world so I have to be careful to not tear that down in front of them. They are safer if they are buying into it while they are with him. At least that is what I think right now. I am still so new at all of this.
I don't really care how their R plays out but I am curious about it. Since it is so wonderful and loving right now, he described it in a way that reminded me a lot of where we were when we first met. Even the way he described how much his family loved her. Same script different woman. But it is interesting how this all might unfold. I think they've got a good 5 years before things start to really deteriorate. I suspect it will start after he no longer has to give me support, because I get to be scape goat for a while to hide is financial mismanagement. I wonder if he will start grooming a new target that final year so he can do the discard before it all comes to light.
Or maybe it won't happen. Maybe she is on top of things and will take control of the finances before the love-bombing phase ends. I find it all fascinating.If I didn't have kids in the mix I might even find it entertaining. It is all going to play out the way it does. I am being written off the show, and will have my own spin-off that is turning out to be refreshingly free from drama and satisfyingly boring--I just have to finish up my last few guest appearances--and then I am done.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I am enjoying reading about your detachment regarding husband. You certainly have every right in being furious but I am so I impressed with how well you were able to reign it in. Not easy. Especially when one was being baited. I think it's a guarantee husband and OWs outcome is not gonna be a happy ending show.
If you ever want to talk, I will make myself available anyway you see fit
I agree with you 100% regarding honesty with the children. My mil lied so much to my husband about his parents relationship and all It seemed to do was contribute to repeated cycles. I want my son to know the value of committment, loyalty, and family, as well as consequences for ones actions. But I also want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with his father because it is in his best interest.
Hi MS, I am sorry to hear about how mean your H is. I like how strong you're sounding and how detached you are from your H.
Won't it be fun though when your H starts treating the OW the way he has treated you? The OW has seen his true colours, just that his meanness want directed at her. Like you said maybe she really can be on top of things but either way, you would have waltzed out of their drama.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You found the page, and I haven't seen your comment.
That might be neither here nor there.
V
I don't want to comment on FB. It is the DB page right? It didn't look private to me.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Hi MS, I am sorry to hear about how mean your H is. I like how strong you're sounding and how detached you are from your H.
Won't it be fun though when your H starts treating the OW the way he has treated you? The OW has seen his true colours, just that his meanness want directed at her. Like you said maybe she really can be on top of things but either way, you would have waltzed out of their drama.
Yes. This is what I try to keep in mind. Although it would be better to not care at all anymore. I finally really know him. Probably the person who knows him best in the world--because I've been on both sides and I can't just duck out for good. He's turned people against me, but I'm not going to let that shake me. After that meeting with the counselor it became clear that it's all straw-man arguments. Some people will buy it, some might not but still feel he is the cooler friend to have so they will go along for the ride. I don't have as many friends as him around here since most of these friendships were connected to him.
He has his sound bites and his spin and he is very convincing. His mother always embraces a crazy wife story. Seems a bunch of her brothers were "victims" one story had a tragic end with a wife that really went crazy. It was awful when that happened. I never met any of them, but my suspicion is that there might have been a perfect narc/borderline combination in the works. Not that it excuses the wife for what she did, but it raises some red flags about the mental health of the men on his mother's side. Isn't it a little suspicious that they all end up with "crazy" women?
I'm glad I got out when I did. It could have gotten worse. It got as bad as it needed to get for me to see his true colors. Luckily he was never able to successfully isolate me. He tried. He and I are very different though. His thinking is very black and white. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. OW is the first person that I can really say I see no good. So when he tried to sway my opinion on people it often led to me sticking up for them which pissed him off. He's used to people buying his spin. Then he would try to hint that the person didn't like me or was talking about me. But that didn't really bother me either. I talk about people too sometimes, doesn't mean I don't like them. And even if they didn't like me I'm not going to change how I am around them. That's why he thinks I'm delusional about my relationships. Because I don't act differently based on those things and it takes a lot for me to see the bad. After this experience I will certainly be more skeptical about people, though. That naive view of believing that everyone is inherently good has definitely been shattered.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Arh yes the whole my family prefers the ow because your the nasty one and she's totally mother Teresa!
Not she had an a with a married man, not the quality his family thinks.
That's why I'm suprised the mil keeps turning up at my work. This week I will set a boundary as I'm not allowed to serve her anyways. She will be told it's company policy and told I will make sure she is always served by someone else.
And all that spew is very much a narc way of speaking, it's designed to get a reaction by not giving in to it he gets no pay off. way to go which is not easy let me tell you.
I can still be triggered in some ways but it comes out later but I don't have to see xh2. I can play a part and know emtions are fleeting and no good will come of showing any weakness.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
way to go which is not easy let me tell you.