Just called the boys. Two of them said they didn't want to talk as they were outside playing ball with mom. It was 2 seconds hi and bye like I dont exist.
This is totally normal for kids.
Remember when you said you didn't want your posts to come across as you playing the victim? This one kind of does.
Kids live in the moment. Don't read into it.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It's amazing how things change. The two summers we lived in Michigan she never played with the boys outside. All of a sudden she is mom and dad all rolled up into one.
I am glad they are having fun with mom. Just through me for a loop.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
JK- definitely hard for you as I understand but they are kids. Its a normal reaction
When my STBX calls when she is away (with her PA guy but won't admit it) my D usually doesn't want to say hi....she just doesnt like talking on the phone but I push her to do it. When I call when away, sometimes she is really short and makes me feel bad but I know she is just a kid and really would rather be doing something else
She will throw you for alot of loops so get ready for the rollercoaster. As I have learned, I cant control what my STBX does or doesn't do with my D7 but can only hope she does the right things and keeps her happy when not with me. Hope for the same and that your STBX doesnt neglect your great 5 boys.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I don't mean to make you feel bad, but we're not here to comfort you whatever you say or do. We're here to help you get out of this with your sanity, money, kids, happiness, or anything you hope for. There's some tough love involved, but it's still love.
I'm glad you're focused on what you can do now to be better. That's all we can do, every day.
A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You're hoping to quit smoking. She started playing outside with the boys. This all sounds like good things, for you and for your kids.
Around here, we know how painful this is. We've had the sleepless nights, the lost (or gained) weight, the tears, the overshare. I cried every day for six months straight when STBX left. Then I cried "only" 5-6 days a week for another 3 months. On the way out of this hole, we had some tough face-to-face with ourselves. Not just about what we've done, but about what we are.
One thing that I learned after STBX left is to take at face value what people told me about me, before filtering it with my interpretations, ego, experience, desires, etc. So if I'm told "You're too loud", I don't think "No I'm not", I just think "How is it that s/he can perceive that I'm too loud?" It's still a conscious effort on my part because my reflex is to color what I hear, but it's one of the things that helped me most become a better person. So when we say that you come across as controlling, before you filter it out, think about it alone. Maybe you're not, and it won't change a thing for us, but if you are, on certain things, self-awareness is the first step to becoming a better person.
I'll finish by telling you something obvious and that you know deep down: you've had a very meaningful relationship with your W, one that few people experience in their lives. It was the same for her. Your past hasn't gone anywhere. Much like you need to live with your mistakes, you get to live with your accomplishments. Your family is up there. You matter tremendously to your kids. You are always at the back of their mind, as a reference, a safety net, a provider, a reassuring force. It propels them in life. Sometimes, they want to play ball rather than talk to you, but they want you in their lives.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
JK - here is a website you might like themktdept.ca
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Thanks for the tough love. I needed it. I am feeling pretty good today. Drove to Chicago and back to pick up my EU passport today that STBX has been asking me to get so we can vacation in Cuba. Guess I will have to go on my own now. 10 hours in the car. I listened to an e book "The Rational Male" about a third of the way through.
As I was listening to the book it brought me back to the way I was about life prior to meeting STBX. Made me feel confident and realize I am a good person.
We did have good times and I appreciate those times but our priorities are completely different right now. Overall today I am happy and content with my life and I know things will get better.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
As I continue to listen to the e book one thing that stood out to me was a W should compliment the H.
As I reflect back on our M I think we were both on the path to wanting a family and I reverted back to an AFC per the book. This is part of the disconnect that W and I had since we did not communicate well enough to plan our future and/or I missed it completely.
I am second guessing whether or not I would ever be able to keep up with my STBX and her desires in life. Doesn't really matter at this point anymore.
I spoke to my best friend from high school also and he said that my STBX did not leave just because you smoke. It got me thinking that there are deeper issues that I don't even know about that she has never shared with me. I don't think I will ever know what those issues are.
All I know is that she is with OM and will probably be with him long term. I cannot compete with someone who makes way more money than I do. She has moved on and is not looking back at all.
Seems like the more books that I read the more I see how STBX has implemented a lot of the suggestions in these books and I am just now realizing how strong of a person she is. She is self driven and adamant about finding happiness for herself. I am not criticizing her, just observing my sitch and how we got here. Not sure how much more I could have done to meet her needs. Maybe it is for the best that this happened sooner than later because a lot of people are telling me that it would have happened later for sure.
STBX has mentioned several times during our M that she and her mom used to go for happy hour in the financial district and scope out guys in suits but she never found one that was down to earth. Well I guess she has now.
I will also write about some other points that I found interesting in another post later.
I talked with the boys last night and they said they were going to bed. It was only 7:15 pm. I asked why so early (I thought they did something really bad and were being put to bed early) and one of them said because mommy is going out. Not judging, that is STBX's choice when she has the boys.
I told my L and she said to document this and give it to the psychologist. I feel like these are petty items sometimes as I am going through this process of D. Not sure if it will net any good results either way.
On another positive note, lots of GAL this week. Tonight going to my old neighbors house to hand out. Saturday and Sunday will be in Toronto to visit friends and Monday hang out with family.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
If you're not judging, why are you tattling to the lawyer and psychologist?
Why do you think you have the right to dictate bedtime when they are with her?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
If you're not judging, why are you tattling to the lawyer and psychologist?
Why do you think you have the right to dictate bedtime when they are with her?
I agree with this. They went to bed and she decided to go out. As long as you know who is caring for your children while she is out, you may not agree, but there is no harm in it.
My suggestion is this. Let the petty stuff go that will not have any impact. Because that will not have any impact. Married couples do it all the time. Get a sitter and go out. You start with the petty stuff, so will she. Something you may not see as a big deal, she will throw right back at ya.
My daughter was 6 months old when ex split. Legally, I had every right to know who was watching my child so I could get in touch with them. We also had to be in agreement on who the babysitter was. That's reasonable.
My ex has like 25% custody or something. Not much time with her. And he goes out a lot on his parenting time. She stays with his OW W, his sister, or mother. Do I agree? Nope. I know my D wants to spend actual time with him. But what can I do? That's his choice.
I have a lot of time with her. I get a babysitter every now and then and go out. (she's 8 now, BTW). Or she choses to sleep at a friend's house. No harm done.
