Foucs on Me and my Boys 4

[J5K]

Why is it that now I have become the most talkative person in the world.

Did not sleep well last night didn't think of STBX just tossed and turned.

I can't seem to quit this smoking either no matter what I've tried.

I'll beat a dead horse talking about my stbx to some friends. My mind is just tired of thinking about this whole situation.

[Mozza]

JimKao,

I saw your thread because you mentioned my username. Then I read the 3-4 pages after that. I'll just make a few observations based on this little nothing and I'll see myself out.

If you want to start exercising, I recommend the 7-minute workout. It's done at home, with just a wall and a chair. That's how I started and now I go to the gym 3 times a week.

Your perception of your WW is unhelpful. You see wrong in just about everything that you report here. As others have told you, it's normal to have separate clothes in separate homes. Telling her about daycare and babysitter arrangements is normal too. You mind-read and interpret everything that she does as selfish and against you. It isn't. In her own way, she is reasonable and doing her best. Sometimes it comes out wrong, like it does between friends, lovers, family, coworkers. Forgive her when it happens.

You also think of yourself as a victim. You're the poor dad who only wants to be a good person, while she's a selfish psychopath that doesn't care about the kids. Really? Really? A more nuanced vision of the current situation (not of what lead to it) would also help you heal. And I'd like to second everything Zues126 wrote you on June 25th.

Once, I was seething against STBX when I realized that I was alone in my living room and she had no idea this was even happening. I was the only victim of my thoughts. It was a turning point for me. From that moment on, I let go a lot of the negative thoughts I had for her.

By the way, I relate to the sleepless nights regarding OM. I had terrible physical jealousy when STBX left me for him. It's very, very painful, even physically. I'm with you.

Safe travels on the road to happiness. You decide how long it is.

[J5K]

Mozza,

I appreciate the feedback.

I did not mean to have my comments come across as me being the victim. I am working on my issues. I know what I did to drive her away from the M.


It just frustrates me because she feels like she should be a SAHM and that I need to pay the price for the remainder of my our children's lives because of my actions.

As far as the menial things like clothing and assets, the court will decide and I guess I will get my money back when we go through mediation.

She has been sitting on her a$$ not looking for a job for 7 months now. That is her prerogative and I can't control that. I guess we will both see what reality is when the trial date arrives and the D is final.

I get that she is doing her best. I never questioned her actions in the MR in the past, but I can't just roll over and allow her to take everything from me. I realize that she views my actions as trying to be controlling and I am sure she feels like I am trying to force her to get a job. That is not what I am doing. She is the one that filed now so this is on her. I am only trying to protect my half. She disagrees with what the definition of half is.

I don't hate my WW. I ultimately think we both wanted the same things, we just or I just did not see her vision to support her very simple wishes.

[rich4j]

JK

You are controlling....so I am. Your STBX feels helpless and you are controlling things which...since you work and make the $$$$...you by definition ARE!

Its crazy talk to even have to have these discussions isn't it? It is the same thing for my STBX. Get a job! Stop looking for a handout! And we would not be controlling a thing except working together on raising the kids and co parenting!

[Ginger1]

Your W is a SAHM to 5 boys aged 7 and under. she has been raising her sons, and quite honestly, I'd be begging to work if that was me. I can imagine the astronomical full-time cost for childcare on 5 young boys. Ummm, she hasn't just been sitting on her arse.

The courts will decide this too. There is great value in a SAHM. The courts will decide employability, and how much time she has to find a job. Also, you guys will most likely split childcare costs based on salary (you make more, you pay more, and you also pay for childcare as a whole, not just what is on your time.

I know you hurt and you feel like she made this choice and she should pay.

I'm curious. With 5 very young boys, did you think her being a SAHM wasn't a good idea? Was it a mutual decision or did you she should have worked and you guys should have paid for childcare?

[J5K]

Rich,

My biggest 180/LRT would be to go back to being the doormat.
Move to Toronto, let her raise the boys and me continue to work while she lives off of everyone else. I will live the single life and see the boys when she wants me to and when she asks me to take them to all their activities.

All the things I would do if I were married to her but no commitment to the M.

Yeah sure! No problem! (Excuse the sarcasm).

If I did this, her short term view would be he cares about me and the role of being a mom. But my STBXH will pay the price for his emotional mistakes he made last December. We will be the best co parents based on her terms.

[Mozza]

What are the chances that we tell you to be a doormat?

What we're saying is that, through all the rage and anger (which we've all shared), you need to keep a cool head to choose your interactions and decisions. Saying that she's "sitting on her arse" while she is raising 5 boys (!) below the age of 8? My full-time job looks much more like "sitting on my arse" that what she has to do every day (I wouldn't last 3 hours). A comedian said "My mother never had a job: she had too much work." Just because it isn't paid doesn't mean it's not work.

I don't know the details of your situation, but there are good reasons why SAHP are protected by the law when they D. I'll grant you however that it is absolutely infuriating to be the one left to pay the bill while she's with OM. I feel you. It didn't happen to me, but it came close and I went through a lot of emotions.

I think deep down you're angry that she takes control back. You do sound controlling. You're upset every time things don't go your way and you assume immediately that she's acting in bad faith and to control you (which might be projection - you assume she thinks like you do).

If you manage to take a step back and look at things that will benefit you and your kids, you will benefit most. You say "We'll see what the court says". Well, what do you think they'll say? What if a judge tries to make an objective decision? Can you guess what it would be? Can you get there without the costs of a lawyer?

Look, we're here to commiserate with you and we're on your side. That sometimes mean helping you see what you're not seeing, what you're not ready to see. To point on the horizon where you should be headed.

In the past, I came here with all sorts of dilemmas: "She wants this. Is it reasonable?" and countless time people have turned around my perception, making me realize that what she was asking was reasonable, or that I could stand my ground as I was the reasonable one.

One of the things I'm happiest about my whole D process is that I always controlled my actions and words, from day 1. Today I hold my head up high and people can't believe what a good man I've been given what she put me through (short story: she left me for a guy she met 3 weeks earlier, denying there was even someone, then moving with him). Had I thrown a fit or tried to get back at her through the D, I would have been engulfed in it, emotionally and financially (with my kids). I got a very good deal because I made reasonable requests that she couldn't deny, and because my cool head built my credibility. My good behavior got me out of this faster than anything.

[J5K]

Mozza,

I started writing a novel and then erased it.

I appreciate the input. If you choose, read my sitch from the start and it will give you clarity as to why I am not budging at this point.

All I can say is I really want my family back under one roof but know I can't have that and I am trying to make the best choices I can for me and my kids without getting taken advantage of by my STBX who I still love and would give everything to if she loved me back.

From your last post you sound like my STBX and have brought a lot of emotions back for me. It makes me feel like I meant nothing to her. I just don't know what to say anymore.

[J5K]

Yourbpost also makes me feel guilty for my actions. I am truly remorseful for what I did and can't fix it.

The only thing I can do now is try and make it right by moving there so we co parent together which I plan to do after I resolve two issues

[J5K]

Just called the boys. Two of them said they didn't want to talk as they were outside playing ball with mom. It was 2 seconds hi and bye like I dont exist.