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All good Jim. Glad you didn't take it wrong. Can't change the past, no reason to feel bad. Fact is you're only a few months in. Everyone fumbles, or encounters situations they couldn't anticipate. What matters is how you adapt and lead forward. You are one of the toughest posters I've seen so I know you will navigate through this.

And yes, this situation stinks. I can remember taking my kids to the waterpark and seeing all the happy couples. What could've been a great time with my kids was tainted by such a loss.

But there is loss everywhere in the world. Just watched "Spare Parts", a movie about some illegal immigrants in high school that overcame the odds. It was a good movie, but it reminded me of how hard it is everywhere. Children that were born in the US lose their parents to immigration, that is nothing they did wrong. And that's just one tragedy. People are killed in car crashes. People get sick. In the end every couple is separated in one way, shape or form. What matters is what we do while we're here, and how we use the teensy bit of influence we have.

If you can honor the anguish of seeing all of that, then set it aside long enough to enjoy at least a bit of the good things you've been given, shield your children from the pain for a bit while modeling the tools of how to handle the adversity in their future...well, you're doing what you can and have a lot to be proud of.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Well the evening went a little bit better. Went to the graduation party and the boys had a blast.

That makes me happy when they are worn out at the end of the night! Let them run around and play and had all kinds of family and friends watching them and interacting with them! I love seeing them happy!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Originally Posted By: JimKao
SH

Inread the article "The truth about divorce" that you recommended. I understand the impact it has but confused as to how it applies to my sitch. I feel that my STBX is a narcissist which is driving this D to cost a lot.

I could go the other direction and get this done and give up the house in Canada and ask for 50/50 custody and have things be better but I guess I am also still fighting based on principle. The article says that drives a D to cost a lot also.

If I did what the DB coach suggested then I would be living in Canada now and have 50/50 custody there aand possibly a better R with STBX.


JK check out the other blog posts by her and you can find info that applies for you.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Good for you JimKao, great to hear you had a fantastic time with your boys!


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
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SH

So I read more of the blog posts.
Honestly this D would be over with if my STBX realized she needs to work to live.
Not saying that I can control that de ision by her at all.

I just have two things to finish in this D then I know we will be able to resolve the rest quickly.

Custody and the house in Canada. Once those two things are cleaned up then I will be able to move on.

I still plan on moving there for my boys, I just can't show my cards right now due to her sense of entightlement. If she ends up getting to keep the house then oh well, I won't dwell over it. I just won't allow her to teach the boys bad behavior of it being ok to use people even their own family to survive. Moving there will be my choice, not to win her back but to ensure my boys have as much time with mom as they can without having to drive 9 hours round trip.

I take ownership for two things that she wanted. Quitting smoking and not making rime for her. I have a lot to do still to make me the best person I can be no matter where I live. Maybe someday when her anger subsides she will forgive but for now I just have to make sure I take care of myself to be the best dad I can be.


We are both to blame for destroying this M. I learned a lot about my W from the DB coaches. It may take many years for STBX to acknowledge my changes so I will leave the door cracked a bit and continue to be the lighthouse for the sake of my boys.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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((Jim)), I know myself well enough to say I would probably be a lot like you in wanting her to see the changes. I believe her validation of your changes are too important for you, and perhaps it prevents some detaching. She appears to be a very stubborn individual, and she may never tell you that she sees, or approves, the changes. Can you accept it, if she doesn't?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi,

As the book and people on this forum say, do this for you and not for your M. I have no expectations that she will come back. I feel she is too selfish for that. In my gut if she does remarry it will be to someone who makes her feel like a princess. It may be too late by the time.

Either way those changes are good for me and my boys. I never wanted to stop the move to Toronto but I also was not going to allow her to continue on with her A and risk a D there because that would just hurt me financially for a longer period of time and would be major cake eating for her.

From a different POV, would that have filled her love bucket more? IDK. But I did commit to moving up there with the boys and I want to keep my promise no matter the outcome of my M. I will get to do the same things there with my boys and build a friendship with her. I also wanted to live a vibrant life but I guess I will do that without her now.

I am a laid back easy going guy who was concerned with providing a middle class life for my boys and W on a single income. She should realize it was a privilege for her to be able to live like that. I will not let her and her family dictate my future though which is why I have to go through with the D. Who knows what the future will hold. Maybe a new R, maybe not, but I can't let someone who does not want to be in an M dictate when and what decisions I make.

On another note, STBX charged $665 buying bunk beds and car seats for the boys and just this morning charged another $485 for more things. My L said we will have to bring this up in mediation but STBX doesn't even have the courtesy to discuss anything with me. She still thinks she can run over me. I truly hope that I come out of this somewhat OK financially but her continued poor behavior does not put her in a good position.

I deserve respect as a person and she does not even give me that. I am not a POS that she can just push around so we will let the reality of life run its course and see what both STBX and I get out of this.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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JK

You will have "some relief" of the anger and it will help with detachment when the financial aspects are taken care of. Mine is partly there as she is similar to your STBX with no job and sense of entitlement on spending etc....

Is there not a reason you haven't cut off the credit cards and have her get her own and you your own? Yeah..she will be angry but she is already and maybe this will wake her up in one aspect of the fog she is in...that she needs to take care of herself financially.


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Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Since we never had a seperation agreement I cannot. Trust me, that was one of the first things I asked my L. I guess in Michigan I have to wait this out until the D is final.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Can you not lower the limit on the credit card? Are you the primary on the card? I am curious if you should get a second opinion on that - something doesn't sound right.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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