Foucs on Me and my Boys 4

[J5K]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...343#Post2687343

[doodler]

Old thread
New thread
One thread
Two thread
Here a thread
There a thread
Everywhere a thread thread
Who said I could hijack this thread?
Dr. Seuss is dead
So it must be doodler instead

[lfm]

Nice doodler! I needed a good laugh this afternoon.

[Painter]

Jim, nobody wants you to sacrifice for anyone. Don't make any decisions now. You are way too raw emotionally. It is easy to make decisions you regret later (I have already made a few that I look at now and think I shouldn't have made) .

[J5K]

Thanks doodler! Made me laugh.

Rich, Painter, lfm, thanks again for the input.

She just spoke with the boys. I spoke with her after to discuss pick up time on Monday. She brought up a concern about S7. Apparently he told her on the phone that he is uncomfortable with the babysitter. She then said she has a right to know who is watching her kids and that she did not realize I had not put them in daycare. I said I understood and reminded her this is my parenting time with the boys but I would let her know next time.

I also told her I would speak with S7. He said he was uncomfortable because he is used to mommy watching him. I told him I understand that it is hard and that someone needs to watch him while dad works. He understood and then went to play.

I don't plan on making any decisions about the move in the near future. I have to let things play out with the D.

Even if I did LRT and 180s I know it wouldn't save my M after all the things STBX and I have gone through in the past 7 months. And she also has the financial support from her parents. I can't believe that her parents actually condone this behavior.

Also, I don't think I will be ever able to watch a movie again. I watched "The Intern" last night and the stay at home dad had an A for 18 months. But of course he dropped the A at the end of the movie. What crap! That's not reality because in my world, STBX would take everything she could.

[Painter]

I'm sorry there's ongoing issues... I see that she is fighting dirty.

Kids pick up on things really fast. If they can tell that one parent wants to hear bad stuff about the other, they will accommodate.

When my stepkids were younger, I had to put a stop to ongoing b*tchfests at the dinner table about H's exW. They sensed that their dad enjoyed it and they bonded over the negativity. I told them that if something really bad happened, or if something made them scared or sad, they could come to us always, at any time - but that we should have a good time at the dinner table and talk about their day at school or things they were looking forward to, not how awful their mother was, because it wasn't good for the digestion.

Some of their complaints were legit - she was a scary, mentally ill and abusive person, but the stuff that came up at dinner was just things that were not really bad at all - and I could tell it was to feed H.

I would probably have a friendly chat with S7 and say that if there's something he's not comfortable with at your house, or needs help with, he should come to you first, because you're the one who can do something to fix it. And the other way around, if there's something going on there, he should talk to her about it first, so she can take care of it. Although he's used to maybe always telling his mom what's wrong, he can tell you, too.

[J5K]

SH

Inread the article "The truth about divorce" that you recommended. I understand the impact it has but confused as to how it applies to my sitch. I feel that my STBX is a narcissist which is driving this D to cost a lot.

I could go the other direction and get this done and give up the house in Canada and ask for 50/50 custody and have things be better but I guess I am also still fighting based on principle. The article says that drives a D to cost a lot also.

If I did what the DB coach suggested then I would be living in Canada now and have 50/50 custody there aand possibly a better R with STBX.

[J5K]

Well this morning was a disaster. I was tired and did not feel like doing much. The apartment is a mess. Made breakfast for the boys, they played outside and then made lunch. We started to get dressed to go to the pool and I broke down crying again. One of the boys asked why I was crying and the other said because he misses mom. I took them to the pool, they had fun and now they are napping. We have a graduation party to go to when they wake up. I have a full day of GAL but just can't get out of this funk.

[Zues126]

You can't allow this.

It is a form of using the kids to try to control or manipulate WAW. It is putting them in the middle. It is making them feel guilty for loving their mom because they're conflicted by how they feel knowing she is hurting you. And if this gets back to her, and it will in some way or form, she will be furious with you, more rebellious than ever, and justified in feelings so.

What you needed to do was excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.

Maybe you didn't have the tools to handle the situation. Maybe you didn't realize the kind of damage it could cause. I understand being broken hearted, seeing other happy couples with kids at the pool. I understand wanting to be validated, and wanting someone to understand the pain in your heart. But not your kids.

Do you have the tools now to shield them from any pain you're feeling?

I know it can be done. I was as hurt as anyone about the loss of my M, but I'm diligent about this. I don't talk about their mom, I don't show them pain, I don't pry about their mom's lives, when they bring up their mom's boyfriend I don't continue the conversation, but nor do I react like they said something taboo. It can be done.

You got it from here? Anything we can do to help?

[J5K]

Thanks for the support Zues.

I understand now.