Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[rich4j]

I have been feeling the need to let go. To move forward. its not even about trying to save the MR anymore, its about saving me.

I think you answered your own questions with the above. If you are struggling with the interactions then you have to do what you feel YOU need to in order to detach or maybe that is not the right word....distance yourself from her

Earlier on with these forums I could not understand how not interacting and engaging with the WAH/WAW would make sense. As its counter intuitive to your being. But....when the ice is still frozen around their hearts....there is no melting it per se. So just skate away for now.

its tough. especially with kids and having to constantly interact. I just had a blow up about one last week of camp with STBX where I went from totaly missing her to again wanting nothing to do with her. It brought up all the reasons why we have both had issues with each other. Wound back open

To Keep healing I think you know what you need to do. Best...

[RAI]

Hey Vise,

I am here to help you work through this because I too struggle at every interaction with my W. The first thing I would do is read "The star is inside of YOU! " by ericmsant2 - every day. I love this post and have recommended numerous times. I may have already recommended it to you (Sorry if I am repetitious). It seems like a lot of your anxiety is related to fear. Fear of the consequences of your actions. Fear of how you will be perceived. Fear of making the wrong decision. Our Ws have hurt us and we fear they can hurt us again. Do you think your W agonizes over every text she sends you? Cut yourself some slack. You are allowed to make decisions and you are allowed to make mistakes. Get over your own guilt and insecurities as much as you can. How many of your fears actually materialized?

Now its just a matter of when to communicate this with W.

What difference does it make. Just send your reply. Be quick and decisive. You are going to have frequent communications with your W - unfortunately - because of the kids. Deep down, you know what you want, you know what your bests interests are, and you know what is in the best interests of the children. Don't second guess yourself. Mulling over the texts and letting them affect you impedes your detachment. You are no longer in the same home. Court orders are in place. What can your W do to you? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that she won't like you or that she'll think you are a pr**k? What difference does it make? Her opinion of you no longer matters. Are you afraid she will poison your children against you? She can try, but it won't work if you are the best dad in the world. It seems like you and I have a lot of the same fears. They are holding us back.

If you want to elaborate on your fears, with the intent of dissecting them and disposing of them, perhaps we can delve a little further. It may be therapeutic for both of us. You sound like a really nice guy. I think we have to stop being so nice.

Thoughts?

RAI

[vise82]

Hey RAI,

Yes I am frozen with fear I think. Like you said I seem to know what I want. I have been waiting for W to ask again but she has not even mentioned it again.

I think at the start of BD one of my first moves was to not go to her parents house for Sunday dinners, it started with a Sunday that her parents were having a birthday party for S4. We as a family already gave gifts and had a party for him. We also organized a party for him and his friends. This was a party that W parents wanted to have for him. It hit W very hard, she took off her rings that night (they were back on after that night). I hurt her and I could see her pain as it turned to anger toward me. She turned it into me not going to my sons birthday party to everyone else making me look bad not mentioning to them that it was his third birthday party that week.

Yea I am taking my time also because she has not given me an answer for giving me the OK to let my boys visit with my family. Something that I thought she would give right away if I wanted it.

I have been playing in my head how it would play out if I was to use what She wants to get what I want.

The most recent is she is asking me if we should sign them up for cub scouts but the day they have to go is her day with them but she will be at work late and has a babysitter looking after them until she gets home. It turns into a logistics puzzle for me to pick them up from her place from the babysitter then drop them off at her house after. It would mean more interaction with W, more coordination, I would hardly see the boys except for in car transport and it makes it hard for them to see me for such a short time then I am gone until its my turn with them again.

I want to tell W that we are not doing anything together with the kids for his birthday but part of me thinks why cant we just go out for dinner together? Oh that's right She doesn't want me as her husband, we don't do stuff together anymore. We did go out as a family for her birthday initiated by me. Then she never reciprocated back the whole summer as I did sat dark to her after that dinner.

I thin I am also reading way to much into this. I am thinking like this is her wanting to come back. I am sure it is not. but as you can see it has shook me. I was not expecting it.

The thought of her coming back scares me. Part of me know how bad I was treated and know I should be keeping my distance. Part of me is scared if she did come back I would not be strong enough to fight for me and what I want to protect myself.

Part of me wants to hold onto this idea that she want to come back. By not responding that is still alive and it makes me feel good also even though its pure mind reading. But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.

I am all over the place with this. Up and down and sideways. Like I said before I am spinning. I though I was heading to being ok to move on but another part of me pulls at me to keep some sort of R with W. The bonds she has on me are strong and very hard to break.

[RAI]

Yea I am taking my time also because she has not given me an answer for giving me the OK to let my boys visit with my family. Something that I thought she would give right away if I wanted it.

what does one have to do with the other? Are you using your reply as a bargaining chip? I don't recommend setting that precedent. You need to separate the two completely unrelated issues, decide what you want to do, and reply. You also need a firm answer from W about the children contacting your family. You should really push for this. You don't want to deprive them of their family.

I have been playing in my head how it would play out if I was to use what She wants to get what I want.

Is this the kind of person you want to be? Keep your eye on the prize: what is in the best interest of your children.

The most recent is she is asking me if we should sign them up for cub scouts but the day they have to go is her day with them but she will be at work late and has a babysitter looking after them until she gets home. It turns into a logistics puzzle for me to pick them up from her place from the babysitter then drop them off at her house after. It would mean more interaction with W, more coordination, I would hardly see the boys except for in car transport and it makes it hard for them to see me for such a short time then I am gone until its my turn with them again.

"but the day they have to go is her day with them". So how is this your business? Why are you trying to jump through hoops on a day they are with her?

I want to tell W that we are not doing anything together with the kids for his birthday but part of me thinks why cant we just go out for dinner together? Oh that's right She doesn't want me as her husband, we don't do stuff together anymore. We did go out as a family for her birthday initiated by me. Then she never reciprocated back the whole summer as I did sat dark to her after that dinner.

I thin I am also reading way to much into this. I am thinking like this is her wanting to come back. I am sure it is not. but as you can see it has shook me. I was not expecting it.

I am still in In-house separation. It is not helpful to pretend my W and I are still together. It gives the children false hope and is dishonest. Also, the children can sense the tension. Your W wants to pretend that everything is normal. *mind-reading alert* This is probably to allay her own guilt at disrupting the family unit. But the reality is that the family was disrupted. There is no denying it anymore. Or, in your words:

But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.

Sounds like you know what's what.

RAI

[lt0402]

Part of me wants to hold onto this idea that she want to come back. By not responding that is still alive and it makes me feel good also even though its pure mind reading. But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.

I am all over the place with this. Up and down and sideways. Like I said before I am spinning. I though I was heading to being ok to move on but another part of me pulls at me to keep some sort of R with W. The bonds she has on me are strong and very hard to break.

Vise, I know where you're coming from here. I also find myself concerned that one minor slip-up w/ a text reply will bring the whole house crashing down. I think you're getting some good advice from folks here though, that our MR doesn't hang on each and every interaction w/ the W though. RAI was spot on w/ being quick and decisive w/ your responses. No need to drag something out bc you don't want to address it. At some point it will need to be addressed.

I'm learning these lessons as well as I grind along. This is uncharted territory for all of us and it's natural for the fear to be there. Others seem to have conquered that fear which gives me the hope we can as well.

As silly as it sounds, we're all in this together, though we're all in different spots w/ it. Keep working for you and your kids and everything will be good! Here for you brother, keep it up!

[vise82]

Hey,

Had a up and down weekend. Sat was soccer tournament for both boys, W ended up showing up and spent the day with us. It was not fun. She did not say a word to me, was on her phone most of the time. There was no interaction at all. No conversation, no moments, no looks, no smiles.

I have to say I am ready to move on. I am emotionally not connected to her as much as I think I was. I do not want her anymore. She had no effect on me and it just makes sense to move on.

I am not going to fear her now. I feel nothing for her. I want someone in my life that wants to be there. I have dropped the rope. I am going to push ahead now and not look back. Her loss.

There is no anger right now, there is nothing.

My love bank for her is empty and it took spending 8 hours with her with my boys at a soccer tournament to get to this point.

I don't know how I will feel later but for the past few days it is. This is the way I want it. It feels right. She is not worth it.

I know I have something better for me and to open the door to that I need to close this one. So its closed. I don't think I need to file for D. That is just a piece of paper and when the time comes when I need to file I will.

I want to put in the effort in improving my life and that includes having her out of it. Out of my thoughts, out of my choices, out of my priorities.

People talk about there is a moment where a switch is flipped and that has happened to me.

[rich4j]

V-

Glad you have gotten to the point you feel you can close the door and not care about it for now.

It happens. I go up and down too but havent dropped the rope yet. Felt like it today as she picked up the dog and all I cared about was my D7 hanging out the window giving me a kiss...didn't even notice my STBX. She was glaring at me when i looked over like "don't you see me". And when she left I got back to putting more stuff together in the house and didn't miss a beat....

Hopefully this works for you and its time to move on. Agree divorce is just a piece of paper and pain in the wallet for the most part...plus some stress

If you can keep a logical relationship with your WAW for the kids, not feel a thing anymore, and can move on you are on a great path...hope it continues!

[vise82]

Hey rich4j,

This new way of feeling for me seems to be holding. I have been able to look at what we have left like a business transaction. Some reason she has been holding off in giving me amounts for what I owe for kids bills so I asked her so send me a list. I am going to make up a list also and then we can just see what is left after cancelling out what each other owes.

This along with the start of the new school year has increased the communication. I am going to her place tonight to pick up a mattress for S7. In her replies to set a time up she keeps including her plans as for why certain times wont work. Too much info if you ask me. I don't want to know what she is up to.

I have been moving forward with the purchase of the house I am renting. I also had my babysitter quit as she no longer has access to a vehicle to get to my place in the mornings. So I asked my work if I could start the day 1.5 hours later to allow me the time to drop kids off at school in the morning. They said it should not be a problem. If that is OK it will save me some money. Plus it will give me more time with my boys.

Have a visit planned with my sister this weekend, going to try rock climbing. Also my friend has asked for us to set up a regular guys night.

Looks like S4 might be doing indoor soccer this winter. I imagine I will be too. So trying to keep up the GAL. I hope I can stay in this good place I am in right now.

[vise82]

Hey

Had the kids last night and also went over to W house to pick up a mattress for S7. So I got to see inside her house the 2nd floor her room. Just acted like I would if I bought something off of a classified for sale ad. Was in and out. On the way out the driveway is on a hill and my vehicle ran out of gas. It was embarrassing. Money has been tight for me and I was not putting in as much fuel as I used to.

Also at this time her neighbor comes out to walk the dog. He is a bodybuilder, W and him exchange hellos. This got to me. I put my vehicle in neutral and rolled out of her driveway onto the street trying to start the engine, finally after 5 tries it starts and I was out of there.

On the way to the gas station and the kids with me I thought to myself all she is to me is an old sweater, one that doesn't fit me anymore, is not comfortable anymore, I don't like the color and I don't wear anymore. Not needed.

She is an old sweater to me now.

Spent the rest of the night setting up the boys rooms moving their furniture around they best way they liked. Then put them to bed. I think they really liked the attention I was giving to there rooms. I tell them this is their space and its a place they can go to just be by themselves and relax and be alone if they want. A place to feel safe that is all their own.

[vise82]

Had a good day with the kids. Stayed home as money is tight.

Have kid drop off tomorrow. W texts me about money and about if I could register S4 for a winter indoor soccer. I message back that I cant do anything till I get paid next week.

I have all my money tied up into buying the house I am living in right now. Its been streasfull as I work out all the details and making sure I have the money to do it.

W texts me about S4 birthday and if we were going to give him one for all his school friends.

I replie back really?? No
She texts back: so you think just because we are not together that he misses out on a birthday party?
I reply There is more to it then that but I think you answered your own question.

Then she text back that we could just have it at a kids indoor playground and split the cost.

There it is right there, the split the cost, the only reeason she would be asking. I have not replied back.

It did hurt a little to read that we are not together from her. First time I have seen it in back and white like that from her.
But it is the truth.

I am holding strong on this. I need to make sure I am ok before I can look after my kids. so i can be there for them. He is getting a party from me and his brother. W side of the family will give him a party too. Her guilt tripping does not change what is. I will not plan a party with her. I cant. not interested. It would set me so far back. I need to move forward with out her. and live the sepreate life she so wanted.

I would have some of my family at the party but I cant untill she gives the OK in writing. Or I get lawyers involved. She still is ignoring my requests for an answer.

Then I get two of my other sisters text me, they got my number off my brother. I am not realy ready to talk to them and it feels like pressure, like my world is colapsing a little.

trying to be strong, as strong as a vise, everyday.