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Hi Vise, if you can legally do so, I would just get the locks changed...it doesn't sound as though she will honour that boundary.

Equally, as others suggested, you could confirm that this is your own place and she is only welcome in it by invitation and when you are there.

Also, if she only has a front key and when you are away - is there an option to leave via the back and bolt the front, so you don't have to change locks but she can't get in?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Yea vise I like sotto's thoughts... Then you don't even have to say anything about it to her

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vise82 Offline OP
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Hello,

Thanks for the input.

The issue isn't that she goes in the house. Its the fact that after I told her not to she goes in anyway. Its a trust issue now.

What happens is, I have my baby sitter open the house and meet W there for drop off. W has been the one there first and she opens the house and then the baby sitter shows up. I have the key in a lock box.

As you can see from this set up I have very little control. Its an honor system. I cant ask the babysitter to police it for me.

I think I will change the lock box code and only give it to the babysitter.

Yes W is the one that feeds off of drama.

With all this communication with her has been a step back for detaching. I am yearning for her and I had a dream of her last night. I am having thoughts of inviting her over so we can go over some loose ends with the bank account that is still open.

I am also want what some on here said is closure. I want to know if she thinks we are done and then we can just file for D. Not sure if that is what I really want but it keeps crossing my mind.

I assume that this is all normal. I need more time as she still has too much of an effect on me. I am doing good with my contact and not texting, but its so tempting to let loose and go with my feelings.

I also have to watch that I don't try to engage with this battle just so I can have contact with her, even if its bad contact.

I think what would help me (and hurt me) is to know if there is OM in her life. If she has slept with anyone. That would close my heart to her, that would give me closure, that would give me a new BD but maybe from there my heart could start healing. because I seen her car was not there this morning, I thought I could handle it but clearly not. Maybe the long way avoiding her street is really the best way.

One day at a time.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey,

Had the boys for most of the weekend. Was a really good time, Took them to an out of town festival that I have never been to. Seems to make sense to start doing new things with them.

Also bought a metal detector and we used it at the beach. Oldest was very interested even though we kept of finding rusty nails, I guess form burnt up skids.

Had some communication with W She wanted me and S7 to pick up a gift for the party he is going to with W and she wont have time to pick one out with him. I replied after, I was going to say no, I said yes but if she could pay me back as I had to buy the last two gifts for other kids. She agreed.

Then later she wanted to clear up some bills, and asked if I would pay for one of the snow suites that she bought the kids. Again I was tempted to tell her just take it out of the $450 I pay you monthly, but then realized it was only a once in a year purchase, so I agreed.

I don't know if this is being a push over or too nice or just me avoiding conflict.

Then there was another text, this one through me for a loop, she asks me if I need a mattress for the kids , I ask who has it. She says she is buying a new one. Last time she bought a new mattress was with me not long after she moved in. This got me spinning a bit. I composed and delete about three texts that were focused on getting info about a potential OM.

Then I just asked her why the new mattress?, she texted back the old one she was using from the spare bedroom is thirty years old.

I just leave it at that.

I was just worried that is her way of telling me there is OM. I think I was over analyzing it.

I am torn, part of me wanted to say no and take nothing from her, but I do need one for S7 but if its not good enough for her why would she think of giving it to one of her Sons? And part of me wanted to say yes, as I will have to pick it up this will get me in her house and I can try to just see where she is at with being ok with me there.

I am worried I will fall on my face here. I am worried that I am taking this interaction too positively. That she is coming closer so I will come closer to her as well. Cautiously. As this could just be a way to get rid of something she no longer wants and she is using me to get rid of it. That I still mean nothing to her and her life goes on.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 724
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey

Sort of a down time now.

S7 had soccer, W was there. She did not say hello to me. She was on her phone for a bit. I was with S4 and when S7 was off the field I would play with S4. When watching the game W said nothing to me and I said nothing to her. She talked to the coach more then me.

The contact is way down now with physical separation. I get no emails now, no texts. or very few.

It used to be a daily routine for her to send an email but if you look back in my posts here it was mostly kid logistics.

I drove by her street as I was late for work and her car was not there. Don't know where she is sleeping. But it gets easier to see that. I see it as a sign she has move on.

I am still having a hard time with still being married on paper and moving forward. I think she lets it be like that just so her benefits continue from my work. Mind reading I bet she thinks she is single, and we are done.

With out hearing it from her mouth my mind thinks there is hope. But she did say it many months ago that she is done, and her actions show that she is done. but I still feel like I need to talk about it with her. Are we done? do you see us getting back together? Why have you not filed for divorce? Are you dating (sleeping with OM) Is there someone else?

Seems like I am just holding on until I know. I need proof. I need to see this. I was thinking of taking next Thursday off work so I can see where she goes, to get proof.

We did not have any talk about dating other people. The last time it was mentioned was a year ago when the MC said not to. No discussion about what was happening after we signed the separation agreement. DBing tells me no R talks so I avoided it at all costs.

Do I pursue now ? was thinking of asking her if she wants to go out for dinner with the boys, and see if there is anything signs of interest from her end. Or do I wait more. continue to work on me. I find it hard to move forward with my one foot still in this MR. This piece of paper still hold a lot of meaning for me. I am legally married and still feel like I am morally. I do not consider myself single right now.

Or do I wait more, enduring this pain of not knowing for sure where her head is at with me.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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Hard questions vise, not sure what to say to all of them. I don't think following her would be a good at all. With the emotional state you're in it could snowball into something you would regret. You won't learn anything specific, there will always be doubt of what you think you seen. You're still focusing so much on her instead of what you could be doing for you.

In her mind she is single, the paperwork means nothing and it's very likely she is pursuing or with someone. At the very least shes living up the single lifestyle. I know because my ex did and said the same things. She only pushed to file for D once I confronted her on om2, who she's now engaged to before our D is even final. You know from past situations she craves that new relationship feeling. She told you she was done so you have to accept that for what it is right now.

As for the being in limbo, I get it, it [censored] [censored]. It will only get better when YOU DECIDE you are going to make changes for you and enjoy the life for what it is right now. There is so much potential growth in that suck also, don't misuse it. All that you should be doing you can be doing separate from her and her actions. Don't worry about women right now or needing to be with someone either, that's a big trap that will end up causing you more pain, there is time for that when your not so attached to W. Let go of W and find yourself. The rest will come out with time.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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You are in a tough spot and agree with Fogg

But I also know that sometimes you need closure. Either closure that things are done with you both or some sort of closure of finding out what she is doing.

The alternative is what Fogg said and not give a damn and do YOUR thing. But I am with you as maybe limbo doesn't work for you either.

I did some snooping during my ordeal and came up with tons of clues and accusations of a PA which was denied. I came close to hiring a PI and in retrospect wish I did even after she filed for D to my mind and health.

So do what you think will also give you the closure you need to move onto other things and give you peace of mind.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey Fogg, rich4j,

I get what you are saying about she thinks she is single. Its just my heart does not want to believe it. I get that she has moved on but my heart does not believe it. And some where deep inside me I know she must have been with another man by now, but my heart does not want to believe it.

It our ten year anniversary this year. Such a momentous occasion that will be overshadowed by hart break and despair.

My S$ was giving me hi fives last night and on the tenth one he asked where my ring was. I ask him what he said. He repeated where is your ring, don't you get one when you are married.

I did not answer him.

Is the answer there though, right in my face, I am not married, thus I do not have my ring?

But I am married (well separated) and my ring is at home in a drawer.

I had no answer for him. What can I say to a four year old.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 410
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That stinks and my D7 asked me a while ago where my ring was...I said I don't wear it all the time and it hurt me to lie.

I am with you on the 10th A. I had mine last year and she was half there...should have seen those signs.

Has she really moved on? Maybe but I would say as much as you don't want to hear it you have to believe she has for now. And your heart probably won't beleieve it for some time. My STBX was balling the other night as I packed stuff up and said this is so hard and I sat there going "WTF".....you started this....you nut.....(in my head).....and it hurt. But I know for now i have to move on and go find a happier place.

Find your happier place. It aint easy ....it will take time.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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Ex left me right before our 10th also, it was a rough time knowing she was fooling around with om1. Om2 was around the next year on what would have been our 11th. What keeps you holding in isn't just your heart but attachment and fear also. The future is full of unknown and that scares the [censored] out of any of us. Don't fear it, it's not as bad as you think it will be, in fact it's nearly the opposite.

I know how horrible this all is vise, but things will work out for you. Keep growing who you are and discovering that person you were always meant to be.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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