Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[vise82]

Hey, thanks for the replies Melo, pinn and rich4j.

Yesterday I was tired, cam home form work and just went to bed and slept. Didn't get off the bed till it was morning.

Its a lot to deal with. The day before I was watching a movie. At the same time I missed my boys and I just seen them that morning.

I think I need time. To let everything go through me. to feel the pain. I am going to have to step up and get things done.. To stop feeling sorry for myself. It is getting me nowhere.

I will see the kids at soccer. I think the hardest part do far is the feelings that come and go for W. The closer would be nice so that I would not feel as much pain anymore. This is just something I never imagined I would have to deal with. I thought marriage was forever. I was blind to the reality. But to some degree it is, as the experience will be with me forever.

Routine is starting to set in. Time is starting to go by. It saddens me that there will be no summer family trips this year.

I need to start moving forward. continue to be the best man I can and have the best life I can with my two boys. That all start with the home. My focus needs to be on finishing setting up the house.

One day at a time.

[rich4j]

Amen to that V-

It's hard to take the one day at a time
It's hard to let yourself feel the pain

It's hard because it could mean it's over

But....make yourself happy. Make yourself the center of things too when not around your kids. I know "you" seems to be not the focus as its the R and the kids but over time that has to change. I feel the same way...I have been ignoring ME outside of my GAL'ing But even when I GAL i still am not all there.

Get the house to a warm & happy place and things will take care of themselves

Better times ahead

[vise82]

Hey,

W asked me to look after the boys during and after soccer as she had to go to a walk in clinic, she was no feeling well. I did not ask anymore about it.

I had a good time with my boys, and dropped them off at her house. There was no conversation at all. just drop off, hugs and I left. I short good bye, she didn't respond, and I did not wait for her response.

I sent her a text about how my head aches are worse and I had a MRI soon. After she had to go to a doctor I thought I better let her know what was going on with me incase things got worse with me. She replied that she was glad that I told her and very sorry I was going through this again and that if there is anything she can help me with just ask. And to let her know how the scan goes.

I did not reply. All that means nothing to me.

I have the kids now and the oldest S7 was asking about Christmas. He said the grandma on my W side said that I was invited to there place for Christmas.

I was shocked at first and S7 asked if I was going to spend Christmas with them.

I just said its so far away I don't have an answer.

Now I don't know if I should mention something to W about this. Its not her place to be telling S7 this. I just see no benefit to me going. I would be miserable, it would give false hope to kids. I was planning on just having Christmas with them on my own as per the agreement on the days I get.

Also makes me made, back to the wedding of brother inlaw, I was not invited so why invite me to Christmas. What is the difference?

She has no right to say that to my son. I can see it upset him. It was right before his soccer game he asks this. W was not at soccer and after I let him call her and he starts talking to her she asks how the game was and he hangs up on her crying.

I am thinking I am going to have to mention this to W. That invite should have gone through me first. I should not have heard that from my S7.

[vise82]

Hey,

I decided to not mention the Christmas invite that S7 talked about. Problem is I don't know the context. He could have asked if I was invited for all I know. What he told me and what was said and how it was said could have been different.

I am going to leave it alone.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had a rough time yesterday, did some shopping to get my kids socks after I dropped kids off at W. $200 later I bought new clothes for me, sunglasses, new cologne, and kids socks.

This did not end there I went to some thrift stores and bought more stuff. I came home and brought the stuff in and realized I was trying to fill the void of not having my boys there with stuff. Trying to fill a void with stuff. something my parrents did. They filled a house wih stuff. The void never will get filled that way.

I need to change my focus. I was buying this stuff to fill my house with new stuff and I dont need to. WHen I grew up my parrents house was full of stuff and I could see I was doing the same thing.

Going to make a pile of stuff to donate back to the thrift store.

But I do still have this void. Kids are with W on a camping trip. First one with out me. I was having boughts of broken heart pain and longing to have someone by my side. And even though I had the whole evening to do what ever I wanted it was something that I could not change that night.

So I have been thingking about disney world and I want to bring the kids. This is where I wanted to go for the honeymoon. W talked me out of it saying if we had kids we would go with them. But with her not by my side and with S7 getting past the age of wonder, Its time to go. I thinking this is a good idea for me. I mean I used to shy away from bringing them to a toy store, and now I have no problems bring them to disney world. I have grown alot.

I am also finding time is going by fast, faster then me being able to keep up with the stuff I want to get done. Looks like some plans are going to be shifted to next year just based on how fast things are able to get done now with the shared parrenting plan. Basically anything I want to do gets put on hold when I have the kids. There is no time or energy left when I have them.

Also as time goes on I see less chance W and I will get back together. I do get urges to push it but those have almost stopped as my logical side says its done, dont even bother. Besides at first glance she is not attractive to me anymore. I find though the more I look at her the more I find things that attracted me to her.

[J5K]

Vise

I get the same feelings about STBX. She is still attractive but her attitude is not. I guess the more time goes by the more we will be able to heal and move on.

As far as stuff goes, I am sure it is hard to not buy things. I struggle when I don't have my boys with what to do with myself. Finances are even more crucial to track more than before.

[Melo]

I think it's ok to buy some stuff as long as all the bills are paid. Pamper yourself a little, some nice clothes and a nice Cologne go a long way towards making you feel better. It's just superficial, but it makes a difference.

[rich4j]

Hey,


So I have been thingking about disney world and I want to bring the kids. This is where I wanted to go for the honeymoon. W talked me out of it saying if we had kids we would go with them. But with her not by my side and with S7 getting past the age of wonder, Its time to go. I thinking this is a good idea for me. I mean I used to shy away from bringing them to a toy store, and now I have no problems bring them to disney world. I have grown alot.

V-
Sorry you are having a hard time. I am moving in 3 weeks and have alot of the angst you are going thru now. Will I be pacing around the house when I don't have D7? I have joined a bunch of MeetUps so hopefully will keep busy.

On Disney....I don't know where u are based but I did this Solo this past spring break. I would never do spring break again but it was a trip of a lifetime for us as D7 had the best time. I was exhausted and so was she and thats 1 kid! you have 2! Super expensive too. There are some other great adventure parks like Disney if based in the NorthEast that are less $ and you get to do many more rides....but Disney is a trip of a lifetime.


I also find my STBX not attractive although physically she is in the best shape in years. It just disgusts me what she has put me thru the last 9 months....good riddance

[vise82]

Hey,

W came back from camping, found out it was a large group of family on her mothers side. Don't know why she would not tell me that.

My S7 was sick last night and I had to tell W that he would not be going to soccer so she does not go.

This created a furry of texting back and forth about his condition. This texting melted away some of the detachment that I had. Made me long for the good old days.

Then thins morning I read a news piece on john gosling, the father from kate plus 8 show. I read some comments about the article and how they said how bad kate treated john. I always seen my parts of my W in kate and how she treated him was similar to how I was treated poorly. Sort of a reality check for me for how the good old days were not so good.

So kind of a down day today.

But I will get back up

[vise82]

Hey,

Looks like I might have to go out of my way to avoid driving past W street.

I did drive past her street as it is on my way to work and this morning as I have the kids I could see she was not home. This is early in the morning so she was overnight somewhere.

This created anxiety as to where the heff is this all going. Thought of her with another man, thought of I wish she would divorce me before doing that. Thoughts of asking her straight up about it.

I held off did nothing and will drive the long way to work now.

At some point something has to give though. I have pulled right back and she has not come closer. I am not sure if I want her closer in my mind, of course my heart tell of a different story.

DBing is doing what works, for keeping me sane what I have been doing is working great. For having a better R with W it is not.

Maybe having no R is the key. All I know is my life is marginally better. I need to give it more time. I continue to stay away. Do my own thing. Time is going by way to fast right now. By the time I get my boys I can see they have grown.

Again I say that I need to focus on what I need to get done. But I am finding it hard to just get the basics done. To look after the two boys and house. I am slipping a bit with all that.

one day at a time.