Pathway Change

[DDJ]

Hey Blueboy, i've come to realise that it doesn't matter what my STBXWW has done. If you really love her then you will forgive one day, don't worry about that now.

I think the real forgiveness is for your part in all of this. I dont know where you are at doing that tho. I've learnt that I was broken when i came into my R and 10 years later, i was still broken. I am now learning to forgive myself for being broken and I know that once that happens, i could move forward in any R with my head held high!

I will not take my STBXWW back though. I must show her the consequences of her actions. Divine intervention led me to this place and I know that D is the only option that I have. I will save myself, save her and my S from a M built on sand. Who knows, one day we could rebuild on better ground, but I don't like her, probably never did...

But that's me :-)

[blueboy]

Thanks DDJ

I think to make it work, you have to forgive yourself and your spouse, breakdown the why rather than focus on what happened. I want to build solid foundation for the future not, not one built on sand as you say!

[blueboy]

Question for people, does it matter who arrange the MC, I would like my W to as I feel that show commitment, is this right or wrong?

[DDJ]

Since no-ones answering... I think it does matter. If love is action, then the WAS must be doing all of the hard work to try and make things work.

You should just pitch up. And always follow your gut. Not the anxious one - lol

[LiM]

Thanks Coconut, I will drop by and have a look!

I just don't how to feel, or what to think, one minute all feels normal, next I feel sad, alone, angry, nearly every emotion under the Sun.

I want to forgive, but worry about giving forgiveness to quick or to slow.

Sometimes I want to give up...

Hi Blueboy

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in but I'm glad your WW appears to be coming out of the fog. As Coconut mentioned, I've been working on piecing my M back together since my WW began being remorseful in early April after I filed for D.
The ONLY reason I was willing to let my W back was because I saw true, heartfelt remorse. You know it when you see it. If you have to question if its real or not, then it isn't.
My W has continued to be remorseful and is doing things she needs to be doing. I have access to all her text messages and email as well as phone records, location and finances. And she knows all this. She closed her FB account and severed all ties with not only OM but also all the athletes, some of them really good friends, that are members of OM's training group (my W is a triathlete and he runs a training group out of his home). She also read books on "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." Twice.
So she is doing everything she needs to be doing for the most part. I feel there is still a hint of fog hanging over her head but I think that is probably normal. Even Sandi on the forum says it took her 2 years after she stopped being wayward before she fully accepted her role in her choices and the impact it had on her husband.

I guess my feeling now is that I made it too easy for my W to come back. I almost feel like I should have made her sweat it for a little while with the D. Pretty much, I took that right off the table once I saw the remorse. But if I had left it on the table, even for just a few days, I feel like it would have really made her see how badly her actions had damaged our lives and that she would appreciate me even more now. I don't know if its fair or right for me to think this way. I just think I would feel more confident about things if I made it so that she had to FIGHT to get me back in the same way I had to FIGHT to keep her. There are SOOOOOOOO many things I could have done differently but didn't because I was following the DB process. There are things I could have done that would have made me feel MUCH better in the moment but could have ultimately damaged any chance of reconciliation. But I didn't do those things because I was fighting for us when she wasn't willing to. I fought for us by choosing NOT to do the easy thing while my W was. I would feel much more confident about things now if I had seen her FIGHT for me. I think you want to see this.
I believe with all my heart that my W loves me, is thankful and appreciate for me standing for our M when she wasn't and is doing everything in her power to repair the damage she did. But it would make me feel much better to have seen her fight for me too.

[DDJ]

There is no fight from her, because she does not want to fight. I'm literally sitting opposite my WW typing this. She's in her own world and I am now in my own.

We're two different people - yet the exact same - on the other end of the same boat. My problem with DB is that you must focus on yourself whilst trying to save your M. I couldn't make it work. Couldn't wrap my head around it.

So i had to make a choice - me or my M. If she really wants it, then you will see her fight for it. but right now... She's just not that into you :-)

[DDJ]

also, do you want someone that could become romantically attracted to you again, learn to respect you, could care again, and could choose to love you? This is the DB process and you are either committed or not.

I believe that the moment when you feel you've had enough, and just want to give up, is the best place to be - cos thats when you have nothing to lose. Either which way you choose.

[sandi2]

Question for people, does it matter who arrange the MC, I would like my W to as I feel that show commitment, is this right or wrong?

If you are the one choosing, you need to find one that specializes in healing from an affair.

I think the worst would be for your W to find a female counselor who is sympathetic to W having an A. You know, the type that tells you to do whatever makes you happy.

[blueboy]

Just saw search history from when W was moved in with OM on iPhone, basically look at sexy underwearand sex toys!

Made my blood boil, this is in the past and before we got back together, should I address or just leave it, make me feel sick however it's make little difference as they had sex which she has told me, but just hurts like hell!

Can't see how raising it will help us moved forward in the healing process!

[J5K]

It won't. It is in the past. Leave it alone.