Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...215#Post2687215

Originally Posted By: Rose888
Originally Posted By: DDJ
@rose, the Bible says that God hates divorce. It should only be used for hardened hearts and unrepentant spouses. The Bible also says that you can forgive, and why not. Forgiveness is a choice.

I'm not saying that I have not forgiven. I realise that I must only forgive myself. My M was dead years ago, she never cheated, as she does not know what she does. So I move on with my soul intact.

@sotto, yes we are all different. But I always believed that if my partner cheated on me, that I would divorce her. Anything less and I'm lying to myself. Same goes for my next partner and even myself if I ever go wayward again. I will file, and think about some WS's that file out of nowhere. This is not a fog. This is emotion... Or lack thereof.


This doesn't explain why you questioned darkness's belief in the sanctity of marriage because he doesn't believe in divorce.

Can you explain that part?

You seem really happy with your decision to divorce. It's the attempt to explain it as the religiously "right" thing to do that Has me baffled. I can't see that you have a theological leg to stand on, but maybe I'm just not understanding your point.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
@Rose. We look at our MR's and figure out what we did wrong in it. We fix ourselves and become a lighthouse for our WAS. We fight for our M, we don't want to let go.

But, how many of us say - what is God trying to show us by taking the one person that we love "away" from us? Maybe he's telling us that we need to put Him first. The one problem with the DB theory is that it forgets God's role within a MR, and that He accepts, yet frowns upon D.

But instead, we fight, we hang on even though it feels unnatural - the anxiety, the insomnia - it goes away when you accept that you have no control over someone who no longer respects, cares or loves you. Sandi says drop them, and I say that D is a great way to do it. (sorry sandi - lol)

I have never been happier in my life, (I may be delusional but) i am filled with joy. I have never slept so well in my life. I taste food like i've never tasted before. I feel emotions I have never felt before. I can see tomorrow, even further and everything that has happened over the last 3 months is a blur. My aim when i joined this forum was to detach and be the person only a fool would leave - I believe that I have done this. I believe that God has given me an out in D to find Him and our own happiness, in Him.

Feel free to check my first few threads, this is a new DDJ. No doubt about it. I will D my WW everyday to feel like this.

I think i missed the right thing concept above... We are all raised to know the difference between right and wrong. We know that if we steal, we commit a sin. We kill, we must go to jail. We commit adultery, ask for forgiveness (from God) or D. As per the Bible, those are the only two options.
Now, I have absolutely no physical proof that my WW has cheated - NOTHING. But she has been unfaithful, this i know.

So do I hang on to her and not let her go OR do i do the "right" thing, regardless as to whether i want to hold on. The answer to that question is always YES. Always do what YOU believe is the right thing, regardless of how you feel. I think sadhub said that best.

This feels more right than anything I have ever done in my entire life. I think that more people should be accepting of the consequences of their actions and inactions, and move forward.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: DDJ
Now we have an opportunity to accept infidelity as a part of M, or do the right thing, regardless if we feel differently. Taking the right action trumps doing what you feel is right.


You ask if I accept infidelity.

The answer is no. Im not willing to live in a marriage where my partner is regularly unfaithful. But I do believe that once kids are involved, things change. My ex is going to be in my life forever in some capacity, because of our children. If my ex and I couldnt be in the same room together, then how can we continue to be effective parents for our children? Our children will have to live their lives choosing sides for everything.

So, no, I would set down my boundaries. I would not live in an open marriage. That doesnt mean that I would turn to divorce as the answer though. Divorce itself doesnt really mean anything. I was separated for 6 months before I was divorced. My life didnt change one bit the day the divorce was granted. The only thing that changed was that I reported that I was filing my taxes as a "Single".


You talk about taking the correct action regardless of your feelings. That is 100% correct. You set a goal, and you do what you can to meet that goal. If divorce helps you to achieve that goal, then so be it. I just have a hard time seeing how thats possible. You talk about a lack of respect, but I dont see how these actions work to gain that back.

By the way, this:
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I realised that that anxiety that keeps one awake at night is because your body, your soul is telling you that something is wrong. The minute I gave up on my M and focused on healing myself, it slowly stopped and has now gone away entirely.

sounds like you are
Originally Posted By: DDJ
doing what you feel is right



Im not trying to be argumentative. I accept that you will make your own choices. Im just hoping that when you look back 5 years from now, or when your son asks you in 10 years why you D'ed his mom, that you will be able to honestly look back and say you did everything that you could, but in the end, it was the right choice.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Thank you darknes. This D is going to change something though - I am telling God that I am untying what He bound together, I do it with His blessing, sort of a rights of passage. Besides that, it's just a relationship status, because that is what society has made it. The same thing our WWs felt about their M.

I do believe that the night that she first cheated (to my best knowledge) was the end of my M. I really feel in my soul that adultery ends a M. Right there in the act.

But thats the thing, my feelings in my heart are to hang on, stick together as a family unit, rebuild those picket fences. My soul tells me that I deserve a woman that won't do this to me or her son (possibly again). I have to fight my heart and follow my soul.

I also believe that the idea of trying to get your WW to become romantically attracted to you again, is fighting against the forces of nature. She wants to go, so let her go. Deal. Heal.

As for attempting to regain respect - imagine the respect I will command when i sign that D papers. She will never ever in her life doubt that i am a man of my word. I will take the hard decisions. I will not accept adultery. I can hold my head up high. That's a real man. That's what being "faithful" is all about.

There is only one thing that I will tell my son when he asks... I will say "Love with your heart and soul, do the right thing even though it hurts and if she still cheats - you run son, you run and save yourself"


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
oh, and one last last thing - my WW is now romantically attracted to me again. I have no doubt that if i offer her NC and transparency that she will take it.

I don't want her back. I don't need her back.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
L
lfm Offline
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
Good for you DDJ! We all have to make choices as far as the right way for us to move on, and I'm impressed with the level of peace you seem to have achieved with your decision. I don't know that I am there yet myself, and have plenty of soul searching and prayer ahead of me to get to that same point.


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Thank you LFM, I have realised that what has happened to me is not as a result of anything that i did in the MR, per se. It was the person that came into the R in the first place that was broken.

I am learning to forgive the sinner that i was, and my sins. I never took the right action because it "felt" right in my heart, but still sat uneasy in my soul.

But my tale is somewhat different as I was wayward once, with my XGF, so I am able to comprehend my WWs actions better than most.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Wait, one more thing lfm, I see that you are piecing. Now I referenced this with Coconuts thread - but the problem is that I cannot see how you can become detached if you piece.

It's broken, yes. You're trying to piece, yes. But you continue to get lost (not lose yourself) in the "new" MR. Where do YOU draw the line between you and her, the line that she clearly has seen?

Hope that i make sense...


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
L
lfm Offline
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
Unfortunately, not piecing anymore. Definitely back to square one. My wife ran off last night without warning, and came home really late, so I can only assume that she was meeting the OM. So any progress that had been made is now out the window. Back to DBing and focusing on myself fully.


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
chat to you on your thread...


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard