Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Hi all, my once a month check in.

@darknes, well it does not matter, it never did. What does matter is that she inconveniences my life with her impromptu walk-outs. Which is unacceptable. So she must let me know so that I can plan my days better. She still tells me about OM1 and OM2 without me asking.

@dream, we live our lives thinking that we must hold onto everything, as though we can take it with us when we die. true detachment, which this forum advocates, is what we really all need to do. But not just with our WS's. With everyone and everything. It's like having a dog, you love that dog every day and every minute and then he dies, and you feel sad. But you don't have to feel sad, cos you enjoyed every minute. Appreciate the moments in your life and when something or someone leaves your life, look forward. Not back.

As for my sich, been divorced for 6 weeks now. My life has not gone better. XWW is as distant as I want to keep her. Still in the spare room. i paid her settlement out last week and got the mortgage approved in my name for the house. She's put in an offer for a place around the corner so S will not have to be inconvenienced too much by the D.

She gets into her regret around every corner, of how I threw her away, and I never fought for her or the M when she showed signs of giving up. I repeat every time that "I did throw her away, cos it was either me saving myself, or saving the M, and I know that i'm worth a whole lot more than an unhappy M and a disrespectful WW". Somehow, it does not sink in, perhaps the lack of care coming to the fore.

My future looks super awesome, detachment was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. And I will do it a million times over just to get to where I am. I am 110% detached from her. But the real task is being detached from everyone and everything, that is where we find real joy in life. A life where people come and go, but you remain unmoved, unhinged, only God can move you then.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
Stay strong DDJ, the better days are ahead for you...

Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
Originally Posted By: DDJ
Hi all, my once a month check in.

She gets into her regret around every corner, of how I threw her away, and I never fought for her or the M when she showed signs of giving up. I repeat every time that "I did throw her away, cos it was either me saving myself, or saving the M, and I know that i'm worth a whole lot more than an unhappy M and a disrespectful WW". Somehow, it does not sink in, perhaps the lack of care coming to the fore.


DDJ, don't overdue the detachment, if someone or something (like a dog) leaves your life you should feel some sadness, it's an emotion, but it shouldn't overwhelm you. I think only a psychopath feels no sadness, remorse, etc...

Can you expand more on the quoted piece above? It intrigues me that your WW would blame you for throwing away the M when she was the one having A's... Has she explained how she doesn't see her as throwing away the M? Does she say that she might have responded if you tried to save the M? If so, do you ever question why you didn't or think maybe you should have?


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
@vapo, better days are right here - I don't hope for a better future... I am no longer married to a selfish person that does not love me. How can things get better?

@coco - it's not overdoing it and it's not psychotic either. It's about detaching yourself from emotions, consciously and accepting that that emotion is wasted. Tears are wasted, unless it's tears of joy. Those are the only tears that I cry now.

With this mindset, everyone else but herself is to blame for her actions, like a 5 year old child. So I should have caught her and swept her off her feet as she was falling, but thats the thing, sandi says "let them fall, drop them"!
I gave up on the M after 1 month, once i realised that she was long gone, this was the tip of the iceberg i was seeing now.
I do not question my actions at all - I was doing the right thing for the right reasons, and I will do it again and again to achieve the same outcome. Thinking that I could change my fate, is fruitless, I know that I am not in control of my life anymore - this whole process taught me that.

So give up control and you will sleep like a baby.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Links not allowed

Last edited by Virginia; 09/07/16 04:58 AM.

Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Hey people, for the newbies on here, i'm going to give a rundown quickly of how my life was turned upside down by a selfish, rebellious, stubborn WW who had the world and wanted more... there, i'm done. And then i divorced her.

So back to now. Sometimes we cannot understand the things that happen in our lives. We attach pain to everything, hurt, bitterness. But why, why wallow in the pain. Surrender to it once and you will never suffer it again.

But our minds don't want us to go that deep, we play with it on the surface, causing a ripple everyday. Rather create a tsunami that clears it all out, after that the waters will stay calm.

My XWW is seeing OM3 since May and is now stringing OM1 along for the ride, insane that OM1 has now become plan B to OM3. LOL

As for me, I have never felt more alive and full of joy as ever before. People think i'm delusional because i'm so happy after the D.

Here's the thing... In a world full of sane people, I appear crazy, but in a world full of crazy people, I know that i am sane!


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
So here i am, 7 and a half months since the day that I heard those dreaded ten words. They say that it takes a month for each year of a relationship (10 years) before you are able to fix things in your M. I guess I jumped ship early, but the XWW is still on that ship.

To all the world it appears that we'll get back together. Who really gets divorced after the first hiccup, only 4 months in to it. Well, me. I'm not normal and I used to believe that I wasn't born with the sanity that society purveys. Now i know for certain that I was not.

I am seriously happier than I have ever been, anxiety almost killed me but instead i turned around and killed it. My heart is full of joy and there's space for a very cute girl in there too.

Imagine God was telling me to D my XWW, just to be with this girl - what a romantic notion. If only life was like the movies, well i have faith that it can be.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
I truly congratulate you if you managed to crawl out of the pit so fast... I thought the saying was 3 months of healing for every year of relationship past.

Just don't rush it buddy. Take it easy and if you decide that reconciliation is not an option, wait for love to happen, I know how strong temptation of a loving embrace in these first few months after the gates of hell opened can be...

Stay strong buddy...

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I am seriously happier than I have ever been, anxiety almost killed me but instead i turned around and killed it. My heart is full of joy and there's space for a very cute girl in there too.


DDJ,

I'm glad to hear that you're happy! Hats off to you. And, there's nothing wrong with marching to the beat of a different drummer.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Yeah guys, i'm taking it slow. No point in getting attached once more. I'm done with co-dependency.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Page 6 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard