Hey Rose, the honeymoon quote was the selfishness, i never saw her as my wife, in fact, i could never endear myself to her, I think you or Ginger brought that up. But i never quite answered it.
I didn't like my wife, i still don't. But i got so attached to her that I could not let her go. Sex became the drug that kept me hooked to her. Once i stopped having sex with her, i could see what my real feelings were. That's where "change your actions and your feelings will change" comes in.
That's why i advocate that the LBS try something different, this hanging on to M causes anxiety. If you do the opposite, which is a 180, then you can normalise, find yourself. If she likes the new you, then you win. M SAVED.
As for being honest, if what I say came from a place of REAL love, then on the honeymoon, i would have said "no matter how big you get, I will love you and respect you with the love that I have for myself". But here's the thing, if she respected herself, she (and I) would understand that her body is a temple, and getting fat is not an accident, its not circumstance (unless medical), but we make a choice to get big, eat unhealthily and drink calories in liquor. I never had respect for her, for myself and visa-versa.
The M had to end.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Welcome back, DDJ. Ive been trying to bite my tongue as much as I can, but for some reason I find myself compelled to write.
It is sad to me to see how much you let your emotions guide you in this. You say it was something that you did without emotions, but there are several signs to me that suggest that is not true. 1) This went through INCREDIBLY quickly. I believe if this was a decision you came to from a detached, calm and collected place, then this would have been a long, planned process. XW cant ven leave for 5 months? So what was the purpose of such a fast D? From BD to divorced was what, 4 months? How will you be able to look at your son in the future and tell him you did everything you could? 2) Even your signature says "STILL DENIES CHEATING". In all caps. Youre divorced now....so who cares what she will or wont admit to? 3) You also mention you feel nothing. To me, that doesnt sound like detachment...that sounds like you are in shock. And understandably so. This whole thing proceeded like a whirlwind.
I get that you are feeling happy right now. I can understand that feeling of knowing what you want out of life and taking it. I am happy to hear about the positive changes you made in your lifestyle. That said, I do believe that you will look back at this and wish things went differently. I believe that your W was not "super wayward". I believe that this union could have been resurrected, but instead of standing tall for your commitment, you tucked your tail and took the easy way out.
I do wish you the best and I really do hope that Im wrong. Like most things, only time will tell.
You didn't like her, you didn't love her, you didn't respect her, and you married her due to attachment and sex?
For you to have these feelings, she must have known, unspoken, or not, it and felt absolutely awful about the situation and herself.
I would hope for any future wife you would make sure you love her, you like her for her. it will need to be true and eminate from you to have a healthy M.
@darknes, yes, i could see you behind your PC for the past few days just waiting to reply.
1 - yes, i finished the filing process in 1 week and 3 weeks later i was divorced. A total of two months from the moment that i made a final decision to finish filing.
2 - it does not matter, but is a part of the story, a critical part. You may not understand, but i believe that God told me to D my no good, not super-wayward wife. i followed all of the signs and it led me to this place. I had blind faith that what i was doing was a sacrifice to God, for the sacrilege of getting married without respect for its sanctity. And the second the judge said... "i now resolve your M", my heart filled with joy. I was not happy, i was joyous. I was at peace.
3 - i feel no bitterness towards her, i have no hurt for the loss of the M. I am able to self-validate on a level that i can never understand. I am able to feel other peoples emotions, their joy, their hurt, their pain. I never knew empathy, now it is all that i consist of.
I even told her yesterday that she must let me know when her new boyfriend is down from the other city so that I can be prepared for any inconveniences to my schedule.
Now, you may think i'm delusional, I sometimes think that I am... but i'm not. I AM SERIOUSLY HAPPY, AT PEACE AND FILLED WITH JOY. I can only hope that more people will try something different - don't get me wrong, DB process is as counter-intuitive as you can get - but Divine Intervention is even more so.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You didn't like her, you didn't love her, you didn't respect her, and you married her due to attachment and sex? For you to have these feelings, she must have known, unspoken, or not, it and felt absolutely awful about the situation and herself. I would hope for any future wife you would make sure you love her, you like her for her. it will need to be true and eminate from you to have a healthy M.
That is correct Ginger, she must definitely have felt it, but why get engaged, married, have a baby, if you don't feel love back - COS SHE WAS SELFISH AND WANTED WHAT SHE WANTED, UNTIL SHE DIDN'T WANT IT ANYMORE. And so was I. Except, i never stepped out of the M.
As for a future W, I now know real love. Romantic attraction, which we try to gain from our WS's is fickle and they wwill turn again. Real love is action, as Cadet preaches, but it's where the real love comes from that matters. There is only one real love, from God, and we choose to have it for ourselves and share it with whomever we choose. I chose not to share it with someone that never cared for me.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
But i've gotta go again, i'll be back in the future to update my sich.
Will check on your replies, if any...
I am forever thankful for the people that have touched me and whom i could help. remember that you're gonna die alone, so try and be happy before you do - no matter what you decide regarding your M.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I also have much more to say, but Im not really sure it will have much meaning. Know that I do hope the best for you and your son.
As for this: [quote=DDJ}I even told her yesterday that she must let me know when her new boyfriend is down from the other city so that I can be prepared for any inconveniences to my schedule.[/quote] In my opinion, his coming shouldnt inconvenience you at all. Not sure why it even matters now as you are divorced. Just my opinion though.
