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All LBS's contemplate firing the D word in to try and get a reaction; hey, I even tried it myself! IT DOESN'T WORK. Unless you really want to D (depending on your bar as to what would be a 'point of no return') it will have no effect on your WAS, as they really don't care right now.

Ask yourself - do you really want to D? If you do, then go for it. I understand you want the pain to go away, and you want some closure, but unless you really want to walk away, don't start it off.

Also, writing letters and making grand announcements don't work either. The only thing which ever affected my W's behaviour was when I said, quite calmly, that if she took the children away (at this point she wanted to move 230 miles away), I would never forgive her. Now, something clicked in her mind and she knew I was being serious, and she didn't move away. OK, we're not back together and things are still a bit muddled, but she saw I meant business, didn't try to cover it in nice words or grand statements, I just put down facts.

Hope that helps guys.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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Yes K I did, I feel like I have taken control, of my life back. Now I have to follow through, it was inevitable, I can't stay in this open marriage, an I am tired of being crapped on. I am still in the house with her but will start looking for a place as soon as she takes the steps to get my name on the mortgage.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
I am tired of being crapped on.


coffee,

Yep, when the LBS fog clears you begin to get a sense of how much of a beating you've taken and then the anger begins to settle-in.

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Originally Posted By: Huddy
All LBS's contemplate firing the D word in to try and get a reaction; hey, I even tried it myself! IT DOESN'T WORK. Unless you really want to D (depending on your bar as to what would be a 'point of no return') it will have no effect on your WAS, as they really don't care right now.

Ask yourself - do you really want to D? If you do, then go for it. I understand you want the pain to go away, and you want some closure, but unless you really want to walk away, don't start it off.

Also, writing letters and making grand announcements don't work either. The only thing which ever affected my W's behaviour was when I said, quite calmly, that if she took the children away (at this point she wanted to move 230 miles away), I would never forgive her. Now, something clicked in her mind and she knew I was being serious, and she didn't move away. OK, we're not back together and things are still a bit muddled, but she saw I meant business, didn't try to cover it in nice words or grand statements, I just put down facts.

Hope that helps guys.


The letters are just words, I realize. Now for action. I was in trouble today for not waking her up before I left for work, her phone went dead I guess and made her and S13 who was sleeping with her late. HE HE, how is that my responsibility. She is mad at me, but guess what, I will let it roll off my shoulders. She gave me no indication last night of her plans this morning, I just figured she was sleeping in.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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I don't want it but have to proceed with the D, she is a serial cheater that won't come clean, not willing to be transparent, and is probably "using" more than just the pot that she has used since I met her. There is no end in sight and I have to protect myself.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Yes, you have to protect yourself and, in your case, you have set the bar as being cheated on serially. So, if you feel you can never have her back with you, and you feel that being out of the M is the best plan for you, then you have come to the right conclusion.

No, you're not responsible for her being late up. She's a big girl and I'm sure she can wake herself up. Hey, who's gonna do it when you're not there? Time for her to wear her big girl pants and take responsibility.

You have read all the homework you were given, right? Have another read of the stuff cadet and sandi2 gave you before you finally pull the D cord.

Remember to stay strong. It's a battle and at the minute you're losing. That doesn't mean in the end you'll lose the war.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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Huddy, I have already pulled the D cord, I have proclaimed that is what I need out of this. Not sure that I should stop now. Like I said I never wanted any of this. I feel that I can never trust her again, I cant believe her at all. I found a letter from Rob, and texts from Lee. She said that Lee goes by Rob and the Rob guy I caught her with was just a coworker..total coincidence. She also said that $195 charge on the CC to a concert ticket web site was not for a concert but was for some sporting tickets for fathers day. I never received these tickets or proof of purchase. She continues to lie, even after I told her I wanted a D.
I don't want a D but cant live with the lies any more, I don't think she will quit, she has been doing it off and on for a LONG TIME.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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No worries mate. You have decided that you cannot stomach this anymore and to protect yourself you are going for a D. Can't blame you at all. It's always worth some 2x4's just to make sure, but you seem to me you have rationalised this through.

So, now you have to look after the most important people in your life, you and your S. Your W has made her choices, so, it's time for her to grow up a bit. Doormat no more!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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Huddy,
Yes no more doormat. Just ran into her, she acted like she did yesterday before I told her. Sort of affectionate, putting her arm around me and hands across my waste. Temp checking, I gave no return this time. I hugged her goodbye yesterday, that was enough. She is still wearing her ring...so am I. Time for that to stop I guess. I feel like a widower.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
C
coffee_ Offline OP
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Well,
She is acting super nice, she made me dinner, has sent lots of texts, communication is on the upswing, perhaps the D word comes as a relief to her, I can't read what is on her mind.
Today I asked her to call the cell phone company to make me an account admin, for some reason I was not (yeah right for some reason...she wears the pants, no longer). I am taking my balls back, becoming the man I once was and more. Becoming a man that only a fool would let go.
Today I open a new account and change my direct deposit, to go into that.
I had to take out some of my retirement to fund the L. For some reason I am reluctant to put down the remaining 3500 for the retainer, holding off to see if the fog starts to clear. It is hard to tell, just going to wait a week. But Monday I plan to ask her about her financials so that I can complete the first wave of paperwork required for D.
I hope all is well.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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