3 Months of misery

[coffee_]

Link to my initial thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2686947&page=1

After 3 months of misery and heartache I have written a letter to my wife and read it out loud to her today at lunch.
Among other things this is the paragraph that broke my heart the most to write.

"This is the most difficult decision I have had to make in my lifetime. I have to protect myself and my emotional bank, which is almost completely empty. I do not want a divorce, we are just trading one set of problems for another. But for me it seems at this time it is the best solution for resolution and closure. You are the love of my life and I have thought very carefully about this, I will say it again I do not want this."

I am sad and relieved all at the same time. Still detaching as spending time with her to even talk about this drew me closer to her. I am not sure when her head will be exposed from the fog, perhaps never but this is just something I had to do. I cannot live with a woman that continues to lie about her activities. Says she is doing what she can to save the M but shows the actions of the complete opposite.

When I discovered her first A (that happened 8 to 10 years ago) she continued an emotional A (perhaps more) and I still believe she is with someone at work also. I found a text the day after we where supposed to have a "talk" mocking our discussion about the M. This is what sticks in my craw the most, it isn't about the physical stuff, although that is hard to think about also, it is that she shared intimate details about our M struggles to the OM.

It is a hard day to DB, hard day to detach, and on the low end of a roller coaster ride. This will be some hard times ahead for both of us.

I am worried the affects this will have on my S13. He is having a hard time right now but not showing it really well.

Hope all out there are having a better day then me.

[Zues126]

To be clear...did you tell her you had seen a lawyer and would be serving her with divorce paperwork?

I'm not sure why you would restate repeatedly you didn't want this. I'm not suggesting you use this as a trick to get her to wake up, but if there was any chance this would get a reaction you kind of diminish the impact when you create the impression that you'd cancel the D in a heartbeat if she wanted you. BUT- I do understand wanting it on the record one time that you don't want a divorce but will do what you need to do. If you felt you had to do this then fine, and now it is done so it's done.

But I would recommend no more heartfelt letters, no more R talks, no more assurances or talk of wanting to be M, no more, no more, no more. She knows you don't want D, she just doesn't care. Anymore than she cared that you didn't want her to cheat on you for 8 years.

It's time to build a new life and leave this behind.

[coffee_]

To be clear...Yes I told her that I contacted a lawyer. And I also told her that I will open an account that my check will go into, she will need to share the bills with me before I pay for half of them.
She said she doesn't need a lawyer but understands that I do, unless she will get screwed. I don't want to screw her over, I just want half of what we built in the last 21 years. I unfortunately will also get half of the debt.
Well I said it a couple of times.
She was sad but knew it was coming I think.
Okay no more R talks, just doing what I need to do now.
I know it is time Zuess. You have been a big help in showing me how to get my Ball$ back, slowly but surely. I am doing that. The other big thing you have helped me realize is that life is full of uncertainties. Its a big scary world out there, but I can do this. Thanks man.

[RDS]

Man coffee, I can feel your pain. Yesterday I read your SITCH and I felt bad because my SITCH was caused by me in more ways than you can shake a stick at. Your W almost seems like she is enjoying toying with you. I will agree with what others have said, you can't threaten her with the big D, you actually have to do it. I don't see any other way to shake her out of it.

[coffee_]

She justifies her A's because I chewed tobacco and smoked e-cigs without her knowing.

[Zues126]

The other big thing you have helped me realize is that life is full of uncertainties. Its a big scary world out there, but I can do this.

Thanks C. Yeah, in the end we just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I started a new gig about 20 months ago. First year was great. This year, despite having gotten better at my job, things aren't going so well. This is the first time I've actually contemplated the idea that I may not succeed. While there would be consequences, I can handle them. Yes, it would be painful to take a step back in my career from where I expected to be. Yes, it could be difficult to make less money. But in the end I will evaluate the situation, make good decisions, and do my best to execute. If I continue to do that things will work out. This much I know.

She justifies her A's because...

I don't need to hear the rest. 100% of affairs are rationalized. 0% are justified.

[coffee_]

I am sorry to hear about your job Zeus, stick it out another 20 months. I find it takes me about 4 years to really know if a job is good for me or not, and to actually get good at it. Is it other people that you work with that you don't like? Things change if that is the case. My job changed dramatically over this last year also. I have been there 10 years. Most of the people I really enjoyed working with left...my counterpart retired. My sitch made it hard to concentrate and although they know some stuff is going on personally they give the new kid more work....

[Zues126]

Thanks Coffee.

I agree with your idea and timelines. My last role I was in for 6 years, and before that 10 years. I've had 1 or 2 years where I've had a few false starts, but primarily I'm a loyal employee and very slow to make changes. In my last role I saw a whole lot of people thinking the grass was greener, entitled, weak, unable to navigate through change. There was a perpetual group of people that thought everything was going downhill and they had to leave, yet year after year we hired new people and overall people got paid more, promoted, and good things happened. My personal library is filled with Zig Ziglar, John Spencer (who moved my cheese, peaks and valleys, etc), and many other books on success, leadership, biographies, and so on. And my own personal and professional track record has landed me in the top percent of a percent. So overall I feel very equipped to navigate through a lot of garbage.

The situation is that I'm in a sales role. I have goals to hit to get paid. Last year (in year one) I exceeded those targets, and I did it without really knowing what I was doing. Scrambling around, throwing deals together. This year it is not going that way. I am 10 days out from July starting and I feel like I'm an underdog to hit my goals. My income is about 70% of what it was last year. The winter months are slow. And I get paid based on a rolling 13 month performance. Bottom line, it will be 3-6 months of good production before I get my income where I want it to be. And if I can't get that good production between July-October, I'm darn sure not going to get it between November-February. This means that it would be a year out from making decent money, if I wasn't terminated first, and assuming that I can do something next season I can't do this season.

My plan is to fire up the competitive juices and do everything in my power between now and October to make it rain. I am operating with the assumption that it is all on me, the opportunities are there, and I'm simply not capitalizing the way I need to. I am checking my work ethic, my attitude, and my daily production.

In the end it is difficult though. BECAUSE I have such a strong track record I question the road I'm on when I struggle. The last time I struggled it was with a position that simply didn't allow the opportunity to run, and when I went elsewhere I was #1 within 12 months and was promoted 3 times over the next 4 years. So I'd be a fool not to question the possibility that this role isn't a fit for me, and that I might do better elsewhere.

But, back to your point...3 of the consistent top guys have all been in their roles for 3-5 years. I truly believe that if I can grind it out this year and next that I can succeed as well. I simply cannot picture myself failing unless the opportunity just isn't out there, and with some of the vets making it I still think it's possible.

The sales part is just hard when you start to question whether you can do it or not. It's hard enough when you are full of confidence, when you're down it's a drain because every set back has you second guessing yourself. That is why I'm going with a 4 month personal commitment to kill myself and not second guess my path for at least the remainder of this season.

Hope this makes some sense. Thanks for letting me talk about it on your thread. In the end I'll be ok. I am fortunate to have a skill set that will allow me to provide for my family in some way, shape or form. Losing hurts, but it's not a life or death situation. And of course, there's always the chance that I'll pull a rabbit out of my hat, will be at the top all of 2017, and will laugh about the struggles I faced on my way to the top.

Take care coffee!

[coffee_]

Dude, sometimes I just want to talk about other stuff. Nice to take a break and think about what my friends on here have going on. My professional life is a big deal right now. Good to reflect on that a bit and regain some focus. Not a hijack at all. Love it! God bless my friend. Talk soon.

[KyleR]

Hi Coffee, sorry you're going through this I too am 3 months in and it's been the longest 3 months of my life.

I'm interested to read your thread as I am also planning on having this conversation with my W in a few days. As you say, I love me wife with all of my heart and D is not what I want in the slightest but I need to have some closure and try to take some steps forward.

Did you get what you was looking for from the conversation? I imagine it's a sense of taking some control back.