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liono #2686371 06/17/16 12:20 PM
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Keaton Offline OP
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Liono - thank you so much for that. It is good to see this from another perspective. From someone that is going through something some what similar. So don't avoid helping her completely. Like yesterday, she asked me to help her pack for her camping trip, but I was like I'm busy. I didn't need to be that rude, just say something along the lines of, let me finish this chapter and I'll be right out to help you. Keep it civil, somewhat friendly-ish, but don't let her take advantage of it.

Thank you Liono!


Me:39, W39
D19, S17 - both out of house
T13, M9
5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
Keaton #2686863 06/21/16 11:34 AM
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Just a quick update. I personally am doing better. Still coming to grips with what all is going on, but it gets a little easier each day. We did have a couple of big fights last week, but we have moved on past those.

Based on some recommendation of my friends, and while it may go against DB'ing, I told her that I was not ok with here sleeping around or fooling around with other people while we are separated. So what does she do the following two days, makes out with a few people.

So on Sunday, I calmly told her that we were done and I wanted a divorce and that I needed her out of the house in 2-3 days. She said that our financial situation wouldn't allow us two places to live, so I told her fine, I'll move in with one of my parents that lives nearby. And then I walked away, and made a phone call. She comes in, in tears saying she was sorry, that she didn't know that this was something I was against!? And that she would stop and move back in to our bedroom. I told her no, I didn't want her to move back into the bedroom, because she wasn't ready to. Long story short, she claims that she'll stop screwing around and focus on her issues and stop avoiding them. We'll see how long that lasts, but she was shocked and heart broken that I was ready to walk.


Me:39, W39
D19, S17 - both out of house
T13, M9
5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
Keaton #2686899 06/21/16 02:14 PM
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Quote:
Based on some recommendation of my friends, and while it may go against DB'ing, I told her that I was not ok with here sleeping around or fooling around with other people while we are separated.


Why would you think it goes against DBing?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2686901 06/21/16 02:27 PM
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Keaton Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Based on some recommendation of my friends, and while it may go against DB'ing, I told her that I was not ok with here sleeping around or fooling around with other people while we are separated.


Why would you think it goes against DBing?



I don't know? I thought that any type of talk about R was a no, and that I shouldn't make demands of a WAS?


Me:39, W39
D19, S17 - both out of house
T13, M9
5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
Keaton #2686985 06/22/16 11:23 AM
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Sandi2 - am I not thinking through that correctly?


Me:39, W39
D19, S17 - both out of house
T13, M9
5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
Keaton #2687137 06/23/16 06:22 AM
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Going to be kind of a quiet week. W is out at some week long concert. Been kind of nice to have the house completely to myself. Although I do struggle at times fighting the urge to check social media to see if I can see what she's doing. Just have to keep myself busy and continue to focus on detaching.

Pool should be mostly open today, so I should be able to use it this weekend, which will be great! Can't wait to relax and float in the pool for awhile.


Me:39, W39
D19, S17 - both out of house
T13, M9
5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
Keaton #2687142 06/23/16 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted By: Keaton
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Based on some recommendation of my friends, and while it may go against DB'ing, I told her that I was not ok with here sleeping around or fooling around with other people while we are separated.


Why would you think it goes against DBing?



I don't know? I thought that any type of talk about R was a no, and that I shouldn't make demands of a WAS?


It's fine to say what you are OK with. These are your boundaries.

What is NOT OK is to expect her to follow them. You cant control her with these words. As you can see,
Originally Posted By: Keaton
So what does she do the following two days, makes out with a few people.


So now, she crossed your boundary, you threatened to take action, and then backpedaled.

How does that build her respect to you? Like this:
Originally Posted By: Keaton
I needed her out of the house in 2-3 days. She said that our financial situation wouldn't allow us two places to live, so I told her fine, I'll move in with one of my parents that lives nearby.

You wanted her out, she begged not to leave, and so you said "fine, Ill leave"? I dont really get it.

Id recommend you slow down. It feels like you want control of the situation, but you arent really ready to actually take some action.

I dont think the things you are doing are helping you to work toward your goals.

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