confused and paralyzed

[sandi2]

Hi Jo, you are very brave to join us.......and the fact you are reaching out for help, tells me a lot about you. You will quickly discover that the overwhelming majority here are those who have been betrayed, left, or given the "bomb". That's not to say that you can't benefit. I have learned more from LBS's than I ever learned from my own H or from any book I ever read.

I have cut off all contact with OM, and have disclosed details of my A to my H. Every day has been a struggle and an emotional rollercoaster for us. Almost every day for the past few months, we have talked about the A, why this happened, our shortcomings, our past problems, how hurt he is, how sorry I am, etc. We even set aside 1:1 sessions every Sunday morning for us to talk for an hour about our relationship - what's good about it, what needs improvement, anything.

I understand how tough it is. Have you experienced withdraws from the A/OM? It is very addictive, you know. Not only do you have to end all contact, but you may have to stay clear of attending any small events where OM might go (parties, friends, etc.). Also, block him on social media.

I've been reading web sites and books, and it has tremendously helped me be more introspective and explore the reasons why I betrayed him and did what I did. We have also been going to counseling for the past few months, which has helped to uncover so many issues about myself that I guess made me vulnerable to an A (co-dependency issues, low self esteem, etc.) While some sessions have definitely helped us both, lately, it's been not so much for him.

It's good to find the reasons behind why things happen, but it sounds as if he is needing something perhaps the C is not providing. I don't know how familiar you are with Gottman, but you can research him on the Internet and about healing after the affair. See if your MC uses Gottman's techniques.

For the past two weeks, he has become distant and withdrawn, saying he doesn't have anything else to say, the energy to invest in the R, and wants a D.

I had to learn that the betrayed H goes through different stages. At first all he can focus on is getting his W to end her A and not leave him. He has kind of a delayed reaction to everything later. Not to cause you worry, but to understand that they reach a place that they could become the WAH. It really is easier to start a new relationship than go through reconciling a M. Also, he could still be in a little shock, disappointment, etc. And, they reach that point of anger. They have time to think of how they didn't deserve what happened, etc. So, it's important that he gets the therapy he needs to heal properly.

Both of you need guidance in healing & repairing your MR. Yours will be different from his. My H would not attend MC with me, so this board became my therapy, so to speak. It's been nine years for me, and I am here b/c of the help I received when I was having an A.

For the past two weeks, he has become distant and withdrawn, saying he doesn't have anything else to say, the energy to invest in the R, and wants a D.

My H told me he had done nothing wrong. Then he told me he wanted to see me put forth 100% effort into our MR. I thought, "Are you kidding, Mr. Self-righteous? I've always been the one to put in the effort in this MR!" Somehow, I was able to keep my mouth shut. We are still together. Your H is going through his own personal hell right now. This is not going to be easy for either of you.

I realize the extent of the catastrophe I'm in, and am so sorry for what I have done to him, and our M. I am doing what I can to show him that I can change (owning up to the A 100%, being accountable by telling him where I am and what time I'm coming home when I'm out with friends, etc.)

Is he checking your phone & email for messages? If you have a habit of keeping your phone glued to your hand, be sure you lay it down and walk out of the room (when he is there to see it), so he will have an opportunity to check it. Also, be sure you do not absentmindedly walk into another room when you answer your phone, b/c that appears as if you want privacy. Always have your home computer monitor where he can freely see it. Never close any door when you are on the computer. Do not erase or clear history from the computer. If you accidently run into the OM at a store, be sure you turn and run away. Then tell your H, immediately. We tend to want to hide those type of things, thinking what they don't know can't hurt them. However, you must tell him. If he found out some other way, he would assume you are lying to him.

I desperately want to save my M from falling apart, and I don't know what else to do. If I understand the concept of 180s correctly, I need to show him I'm trustworthy, I need to open up more and communicate with him, be a better listener, and not take him for granted. But with him being so distant, I feel paralyzed - I want to be able to reach out, communicate and say something, but his actions sometimes deter me.

I understand that if I want this M to survive, the heavy lifting will be on my part, and I also understand that despite my efforts, we may still end up D....

You've got it. Like I said, so much is geared toward the LBS, but you can learn a lot here and I think get support in your efforts. I will be around, and I'll try to help any way I can.

I'm going to close this post, and finish reading your thread. Then I'll probably have more to say. For now, just know that you have one here who understands, okay? I have been in those shoes, and it is not a good feeling when we see what we've done. Things can become good between you and your H, but it is going to take a lot of time.

[J5K]

This is touching. I am glad to see you here seeking help. It brings some hope back to me that good things can happen. Joseph Sandi will give you good advice. I am praying for you.

[sandi2]

The details of my A with the OM primarily lived via text (sexting). We didn't email, talk on the phone, and saw each other about 10 times over the course of those years (lunch dates, dinner/drinks, and three hotel meet ups).

Have you had your phone number changed? If not, consider it. Be sure you have no way of accidently seeing OM's name, picture, old messages, etc. Make certain all that old stuff has been erased. I stopped the email account I had used when I was in an A. That way, if the OM emailed me, I would never see it.

Now, I'm going to pass along to you the same truth that was given to me when I first arrived. This OM was using other women. You were not the only one. He could have been trying to gain citizenship, alright, but I dare say he was involved in other affairs. Also, don't be surprised if he tries to contact you at work, or wherever, in about a year. When he's used up all his old A's and/or gets bored, and he decides to just make a friendly contact with Jo. If he gets through some way......make sure he knows without a doubt you are not available nor interested.

I absolutely never ever want to be in this situation again, and am committed to showing him this. The trouble is, as much as I tell him these things, obviously my words mean very little to him. So i have to show and prove.

The most difficult thing you may experience is forgiving yourself. Since my own affair, I have lost my mother and my daughter. Just as I was thinking I had finally stopped beating myself up (at least on a daily basis).....then something triggers it again, like losing those closest and remembering their shock & disappointment in me. We have to help ourselves and get help for whatever we need, so that we are able to live with respect, instead of the constant shame. We will forever regret and feel remorse for what we did, and no matter how much we wish we could undo it.....we can't. I think one thing that helped me, was reading about the difference in shame and remorse. I encourage you to read about it, also.

Since you never want this to happen again, be smart and affair proof your M. You can research this topic. Don't be naive the way I was and just think it won't happen b/c of our morals or spiritual beliefs.

Obviously, it still is a work in progress however. His gripe with me is that he thinks I have not communicated enough with him; that I won't speak or say something unless he brings it up or asks a question; therefore he's under the impression that I'm still hiding things from him.

I am not yet familiar with his love language. Are you referring to the 5 Love Languages book? I just bought this the other day but have yet to go through with it.

Excellent! I think the LL book will help you.

He has expressed on a few occasions that he is not willing to forgive me. Says that he will always resent me for this. I know that all i can do right now is to pray for forgiveness. It may or may not come, so I know not to hold my breath. Instead, I know to just focus on showing him my remorse, showing him that I empathize and understand the scope of the hurt and damage I caused him, and slowly proving him that I can and will change. I just don't know if he's willing to accept that yet.

Are you willing to live with his unforgiveness? Is he the type to not forgive people? Never turn lose of resentments and grudges? If so, then he's going to have a terrible problem getting through this situation. Even if he's not that type, I think he has to work through a lot of stuff to get to the forgiveness. FWITW, I don't think a MR can be completely successful when there is unforgiveness. Sure, it will take him time, but eventually......you will need it if the two of you go forward. And, he will need it for himself.

You said something about showing him your remorse. Exactly how are you showing him? I'm not real good about that sort of thing, and I just cry a river.......which may not count to some men. Maybe the LBH's can help offer suggestions. It seems, however, that your H is needing something that you don't know how to provide, but I may be wrong.

He may become the WAH and you find yourself being the only one wanting to save the M. If so, you'll still get support here. Stick with us, okay?

[J5K]

Darn autocorrect. Should have said Jo not Joseph.

[Jo88]

Sandi, I can't thank you enough for your support and words of wisdom here. I am encouraged by every single post I read.

I've been thinking long and hard about WHY I had an affair. I didn't need it- it started off as confiding in someone about some personal problems i was going through. I confided in him because my H (my bf at the time) argued pretty often about it and I looked for another POV and ultimately comfort, to be understood, to just be listened to. It eventually grew into something more and before you know it, the OM and I we were confessing to each other about our mutual attraction for each other.

Looking back, I guess what I was lacking in my relationship was the companionship and I sought in the OM as well as the constant praises and compliments for how beautiful I was, etc. My H also gave me compliments, but they weren't as often as I had hoped. The OM put me on a pedestal and made me feel like I was desired and his dream girl. It made me feel good about myself. With that said, I realize now that what I was really lacking was sense of security about myself and ultimately self love and self-respect.

In the beginning I experienced a little bit of withdrawal bc everything happened and ended so abruptly. But the more I think about things, I'm glad it did, because I have no desire to ever contact the OM again not speak to him. I have blocked him on social media and my cell phone. I feel disgusted and used. If I were to run into him, I will absolutely ignore, keep on walking and immediately tell the H.

I have asked the H if he wants me to change my phone #. He didn't really seem to mind that I keep it.

As for forgiveness. He is the type to hold on to grudges. He can go without talking to his friends for months bc of a silly argument. Am I willing to live with the unforgiveness? At this point, I am willing to go through anything to prove to him how foolish I have been for betraying him and taking him for granted. I do realize that if he were to forgive, it will come in two ways: forgive me and give me another chance, or forgive me and walk away.

I am having a hard time forgiving myself right now. I do believe that I need to go through this pain and hurt to fully grasp and understand what I have done. Until I can be at peace with myself, I don't think I can forgive myself.

Sandi, you raise an incredibly good question as to how exactly do I plan to show my remorse. I guess that's why I'm here on DB bc I do feel paralyzed. It has often been a river of tears, crying to him how depressed I am, how introspective I've been. But again, it's words vs actions, right? And I know I have to focus on doing, showing, etc. And this is where I'm kind of stuck.

I would love to show him a moment of bravery and how I'm working to re-establish trust by wishing I would see or actually run into the OM just so I can tell him about it. Is that weird?

[sandi2]

I would love to show him a moment of bravery and how I'm working to re-establish trust by wishing I would see or actually run into the OM just so I can tell him about it. Is that weird?

It's not weird to want to show him you can be trusted. I don't think you need to run into the OM in order to prove to your H that you are trustworthy.

Jo, I think you are becoming a LBW, at least emotionally. You feel worthless b/c you are so ashamed of the A, your values are being questioned and/or judged, and your self value is shot to blazes. You are experiencing rejection by your H, and maybe his attitude or sense of punishing you with his behavior now. You are desparate for his forgiveness and acceptance of you, and for him to be willing to give you the chance to really work on the MR with him. But you fear he about to walk out of the door.

I believe one of the major stumbling blocks is due to the timing of each spouse not matching. When you are on........he is off. That sort of thing. I think you must give him plenty of breathing space. He is angry. He may not want to hear the OM's name. The weekly discussion of the A and the MR, probably needs to hold off at this time. At least, let him be the one to lead in the decision to have it, and let him lead in the discussion. If you have been the one who has done most of the talking, try saying less and see if he will say more. If not, then I would hold off on it. Sometimes, too much can be said......especially if the other spouse is not the mood to hear it.

I think you said you and H had had sex, since ending your A. Did you initiate, or your H?

At this time, Jo, I hope you will focus on conducting yourself with grace, poise, and dignity. You have tried to tell your H how sorry you are and how much you regret the A, and most of all......hurting him. Now, it is up to him as to what he choses to do. This has been going on for months. Personally, I would not continue to grovel at his feet. Some freshly wounded newcomers may think differently, but I don't believe any person should beg every day and go on and on about how sorry they are. I have heard that some spouses have a need to hear it more than once, and to be assured the unfaithful spouse is authentic. It is just me, but I believe there comes a point and time that you need to try and recover and start the work. If he is the type to not forgive, then you may have to move on..........otherwise, he will continue to punish you. You will know, I think, if he is expressing hurt, or if he is punishing. After a while, this becomes a very unhealthy lifestyle. Right now, you feel as if you should be punished. However, there comes a time of forgiveness, and I hope your H can do it.

You may have licked his boots after the A was discovered, IDK, but you cannot continue to project an image of unworthiness, even though you may feel very unworthy at the moment. The reason I say this is b/c of your description of yourself. Plus, people tend to treat us according to the image we project. That is why I said to conduct yourself with grace, poise, and dignity. Don't lay on the floor, clinging to his legs as he's trying to get away from you. Don't do any of those type of behaviors. I think it time to stop any physical acts that demonstrate clinginess & neediness. Also, if you are in the habit of texting him throughout the day, asking a lot of questions about where he's going, etc., try to lay off. Don't misunderstand, I am not saying to act cold or stop contacting him, but constant texting shows neediness and co-dependency. You are giving him breathing space.

I understand very well your need to have another person who really hears you. And, I understand the thrill of being told how good you look, etc. When it comes from someone other than your H, it's like a vitamin shot for the ego. This is what OM provided for you. I would not be surprised to learn your LL are words of affirmation. Those are the things that draw you into an A. The OM made you feel special. Men who string along other women, know how to talk and make that particular women feel good about herself. This need you have, will probably be the thing to pull at you. Even though you have nothing for this OM now, you must be careful that you guard yourself so you will not become vulnerable for another affair. At the moment, you are positive you will never do it again. But those emotional needs will starve out and you will be prey for some other man. Therefore, you need to find a way to feel good about yourself, feel confident, and find a female friend who will not share things you say. Hard to do these days! If nothing else, start a journal, writing out you thoughts.

[Cadet]

Jo, I think you are becoming a LBW

Just to go into this a little further - this is not an uncommon occurrence that one crisis kicks off another crisis in a spouse.
One very common script is for the LBS to become a WAS,
if that is where you are at then it is possible that their are no actions that you can take other than working on YOURSELF!

I agree with Sandi in this observation and urge you to make yourself into a spouse that only a fool would leave and if your husband is still rejecting you then he is a FOOL!

[J5K]

Jo,

What did you do back when you met your H to attract him to you. Think back to the beginning. You may be able to set some goals for yourself based off that analysis. How did you treat your H then?

Make your list. Post here if you would like feedback.

I am an LBH who's W had an A. Your H is angry now and definitely needs his space. He will need time for this to settle. Make some small 180s and see how he reacts, if it is positive you are doing the right thing, if his reaction is negative, try something else.

[Jo88]

The feelings of worthlessness have been a cloud over my head since the beginning. "How do you prove your worth to someone when you feel so worthless?" is what goes through my head constantly.

I do fear he's about to walk out the door, but am being mindful not to beg, plead, kick and scream. Up until recently, he's been the one initiating the talking - asking questions, telling me his feelings, complaining that I don't speak enough, etc. Then he went silent a few weeks ago, and only speaks when I bring it up. The weekly 1:1 sessions stopped for now.. I tried to initiate them, but didn't have any success.

Sandi, I think you're right about the timing. When he's off, I'm on, vice versa. I think I'm giving him the space he needs; or rather he just distanced himself, and I have no other choice but to respect his wishes. When we do speak to each other nowadays, it's about stuff around the house, making plans with friends, etc. I don't want to talk too much that it's to the point of exhaustion, and I'm also keeping in mind his frustration with me being reticent. But when I do initiate serious conversations, it's usually about me reflecting on these internal issues I'm realizing I have, how sorry i am for not taking accountability for that which led to the deterioration of our R.

This usually leads him to open up to me a little more, tells me he appreciates that I'm taking the time to see how this affects us, and hopes I continue to gain further insight on this so I can find peace.

As for our sex life - Shortly after the discovery, our sex life was through the roof - experimenting with things we've never done before, etc. He usually initiated, but it was often mutual. These past couple of times, because I've been sleeping the guest bedroom, it would usually take me going into our bedroom to have a pillow talk with him, and he would end up cuddling me and initiating.

Sandi, I was reading one of your posts last night about the WW and how she needs to let go of the resentment, disrespect and rebellion in order to move on and have an affair-proof M successfully. I found this incredibly insightful because it's true... it became a domino effect which started out with these pent up resentments I had, which ultimately led me to acting up, disrespecting and rebelling. As for me, it will require letting go of those three Rs in addition to low self-esteem, and a list of other co-dependency issues.

Taking yours and Cadet's advice, I need to figure out how to do that with grace, poise and dignity. He can't love me if I don't love myself first.

[Jo88]

Jo,

What did you do back when you met your H to attract him to you. Think back to the beginning. You may be able to set some goals for yourself based off that analysis. How did you treat your H then?

Make your list. Post here if you would like feedback.

I am an LBH who's W had an A. Your H is angry now and definitely needs his space. He will need time for this to settle. Make some small 180s and see how he reacts, if it is positive you are doing the right thing, if his reaction is negative, try something else.

JimKao - thank you for this suggestion. I will definitely think about this today and post for some feedback.