Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[sandi2]

IMHO, you did fine, especially considering the short notice she gave.

I got the impression that she sees moving back to reconcile as being the less attractive option.

If she really misses her children, she'll be over more often to see them these next two weeks. However, if she comes over and doesn't spend quality time with them, then I tend to think she's missing her place more than the family.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 - excellent stuff to think about and for me to watch for.

It's been a real roller coaster on the reconciling. Saturday it may have been a 4 out of 10. Sunday it was a 0 out of 10 Monday it was a 6.5.

I've implemented a strict bedtime for my youngest. That will be a real bell weather 1) to make sure she does not interrupt that routine 2) let's see what she does after - does she want to linger or run back to her place, etc.

I will try and mix it up a little so she does not see coming over as a new routine. Maybe one day I'll take the kids out etc.

[SH_]

Just dropping by to share my support bigy.
I don't have much advice for your current sitch, but I can imagine the mix of emotions.

Are you working with a DB coach? That is what I would do.

Keep on keeping on brother.

[bigybiz]

Well I the score is...

Follow along if you can

It was her night - but she came over to the house Bigy 1 W 0
I ran errand - Wore motorcycle gear in the house Bigy 1 W 0
She made dinner, I ate with them Bigy 0 W 1
She played board games and watched a TV with boys Bigy 0 W 1
At 9pm she left - S10 bed, bath routine Bigy 0 W 1
Very tempted to pursue, R talk etc - did not Bigy 1 W 0
Neither talked about moving, separation, etc Bigy 1 W 1

Yes, folks it's a tie game.

Tomorrow could be trouble. We have a family counselling session at 7:50 am - plus I have a client event in the early evening so I've "asked" her to come over and feed, etc. Hopefully, this will help mitigate her feelings of isolation, etc.

Gonna hold my breath and pray for patience, humility and wisdom for the day.

For those of you keeping score at home. How did I do?

[J5K]

Bigybiz

Goods my friend! Time will heal all no matter what the outcome.

[bigybiz]

Wow - not sure what's next. Family counselling went OK. Nothing really happened. He did agree that returning to in house sep would be a bad idea.

W agreed to start seeing the Dr to work on communication and collaboration issues.

After the family session - we did a little talk about moving, expenses, etc and some R talk.

She is ticked that she is paying into a house that her kids don't want her in. Also, that the kids are saying to her I have everything under control and they are fine.

I guess her cake is getting smaller. I don't want her in the house with me, the kids don't need her - that's why she is desperate to see them more. She has her dream job and her beloved community that is giving her pleasure. But, that is it.

I'm starting to rethink the MC as the only reason I would go is to reconcile. I originally pitched it as a way to connect. Now that seems like a bad idea.

I'm going to have to implement better barriers.

[sandi2]

Biggy, I want to suggest something. How about not keeping score? This may be the way your mind works, IDK, but the very title of your thread even suggests you are seeing this as who wins and who loses.

I'm not as hung up about it as maybe some might be, but it could develop into a negative way of seeing you and your W.......if it hasn't already. It causes you to project a sense of being "one up" on your W, and she may be able to sense it. And, it could carry over into your job and other areas. If you are in a competitive business, I can get how you could mentally keep score, etc. However, when it comes to a MR, it is not healthy.

I also want to suggest something else. If you are not wanting your W to come home, then why go to MC? Why are you suddenly thinking that you need to start talking about reconciliation? You don't even want her there! Apparently, none of you want her there for the right reasons,......even her. I suggest a schedule be made for her to get the kids and take to her place. You'll quickly see if she really wants to be with them, or if she just misses her home.

I think when a couple moves back in together, they need to be in a much better place than the two of you seem to be at the moment. But, this is JMHO.

You don't want to fall back into those old habits again. You don't have to do something just b/c it's what she wants.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for the insightful post yet again. Yes, I can see how the score keeping could look bad. I was trying to be humorous and give a play by play.

I'll start a new thread - if I can't change the name.

I really do feel that my WW/WAW is losing. She is so full of hurt, blame and resentment she is willing to give up everything to be with the community she loves and thinks is going to be there for her forever. The only thing that is there forever is your family (IMHO). Jobs, friends, hobbies, celebrity, success, etc all come and go.

She is really feeling the loss. She is living in one room in a friend's house. Who, BTW wants her out at the end of the month.

Her kids don't want her to visit this house and they don't love her visiting her there.

She is ticked that the house is running fine without her. S15 told me he does not miss her. They are equally harsh to me too. S15 told me it is too late for my marriage.

She told me this morning that she has given them everything except for past last year and now they don't want anything to do with her. Now she is going to be stuck living in a crappy basement and paying into a house she is not welcome in.

Is this not the kind of loss that you and your team think is the only thing a WW/WAW responds too.

But, your point is well taken. If I'm gloating in my posts - she is probably picking up on that too. I do think, I'm not doing so bad, I'm setting a course to be without her and it feels as bad as it once did. So detachment is coming slowly.

BTW, I want her back in the house - just not in an in house sep. I really put my foot down and said, either come home on a path to reconciliation or find a better place to live.

I want to go to MC but for reconciliation - I'll find out on Friday morning why she is going.

So here are my next steps I think.

We need to set new ground rules for visitation etc. She just can't come and go as she please from my home.

Keep on with my GAL.

Get back on my 180/LRT course.

[sandi2]

She is living in one room in a friend's house. Who, BTW wants her out at the end of the month.

There's ^^^^^^ the reason she's truly wanting to get back home!

Is this not the kind of loss that you and your team think is the only thing a WW/WAW responds too.

My team???

Here's the thing.......yes, she needs to feel loss of some type. However, your W is not responding in the right way, as for as considering reconciliation. She is angry and resentful, not remorseful. It may eventually come, but I'm not seeing the right type of response that's needed. You know, some people suffer loss and just get more stubborn, resentful, or whatever. On the other hand, some people suffer loss and it causes humility. Do you see your W being humble when she talks about going home?

[bigybiz]

Thank you Sandi2 you nailed it for me. Yes, her friend wants her to out of one part of the house and into another. I know she does miss the boys, etc. I think those two reasons are equal.

She is not being humble. She is getting more resentful, etc. We do have these fleeting convo's about reconciliation.

So I will continue on the path I have, my GAL is going well. I'm slowly detaching. I really do feel less "attached" and I really do feel like I'm going on with life a little more.

I'll continue to change the dynamics - stick to my convictions and try not to let her eat cake.

I'll make sure the schedule of her visits sticks to what we have previously worked out.

I'll go to the MC but I'm not sure what good it will do if she is not remorseful? Is it worth going to talk about communication, trust, etc?