Jo, thank you for coming here and sharing your story. Your posts will be especially valuable because most of us are/were the LBS and have had a spouse having an A. I know for me, when my H had an EA while we were together and then left me for her, it was so hard for me to understand. He was gone for 10 months and then came back. We have been working on the M (piecing) for 14 months.
Like you, my H has taken full responsibility for his actions. This has helped. He cannot say that he is sorry enough. Truly, sometimes I just need to hear that he is sorry every day. Another thing I will say is that it takes a very long time to understand and forgive. It is not a linear progression, but often bumpy. Even if things are going well for days or weeks, all it takes is a small trigger to throw me back in time and the PTSD strikes hard. Even yesterday I saw a car that looked like OW car and I wondered if it was her and if she was in my neighborhood. Sounds so silly, but it is terribly painful.
Now that things are settling and the triggers are fading, I can honestly say that I need to take a step back. I don't know your H, but perhaps as he gets more comfortable with you being committed and trustworthy, the more he can safely allow himself to feel his anger (without fear of pushing you away). That has been my experience anyhow.
I think you are doing the right thing. Take responsibility for your actions, keep letting him know that you are sorry and that you are committed to making this work. Keep letting him know that you understand that this could take a long time and that you will remain by his side through it. And mostly keep working on yourself. As you become a healthier and stronger person, you remain desirable to him. I agree with the others that consistent action over time is what will lead to the M surviving.
Even if your H is saying that he is done, wants out, is ready for D, please remember that he is hurting, angry, and scared. I have said these things myself many times in the last year. Sometimes I mean it and sometimes I don't. If he is not taking actions--and consistent actions--to move out, file for D, and is saying that with a clear, rational mind, he is very likely just wounded and struggling.
Try not to keep beating yourself up; the guilt can destroy you. Learn to love and forgive yourself. As you can do that hopefully he can too.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
thank you everyone for the support- I truly appreciate you letting me know how brave I am to air my dirty laundry on this forum.
@EDF- I have been transparent- he knows my passwords to my phone, email. I share him my location whenever I'm out with friends, etc. I have also expressed my intent to do willingly do what it takes to save our M when we have good moments.
Obviously, it still is a work in progress however. His gripe with me is that he thinks I have not communicated enough with him; that I won't speak or say something unless he brings it up or asks a question; therefore he's under the impression that I'm still hiding things from him.
I am not yet familiar with his love language. Are you referring to the 5 Love Languages book? I just bought this the other day but have yet to go through with it.
@cbtdad- I am sorry if my situation is bringing back painful memories for you. I can only imagine how hurt you were when you found out. One of the problems we had in our relationship was not learning how to communicate effectively. With every fight, we established this cycle of addressing the problem but not really resolving it. I resented him for many things, but never told him about it or ignored it thinking it would just go away. Sometimes when we argued, he would speak to me as if he was my father, not as his SO. He had a habit of shutting down on me for days because he didn't want to talk. As a result, I felt isolated many times, afraid to open up to him.
We have been doing couples therapy, but there have been instances where the therapist has asked to meet with us individually. Two weeks ago, I was with her alone. Last week, we were together. This week, she wants to meet with him alone to even it out as well as flesh out his feelings of wanting to D.
@RSG - He has expressed on a few occasions that he is not willing to forgive me. Says that he will always resent me for this. I know that all i can do right now is to pray for forgiveness. It may or may not come, so I know not to hold my breath. Instead, I know to just focus on showing him my remorse, showing him that I empathize and understand the scope of the hurt and damage I caused him, and slowly proving him that I can and will change. I just don't know if he's willing to accept that yet.
I went to confession a few months ago, and confessed my infidelity to a priest. His penance for me was not a few Hail Marys or anything. He said to "Keep working on it."
thank you everyone for the support- I truly appreciate you letting me know how brave I am to air my dirty laundry on this forum.
@EDF- I have been transparent- he knows my passwords to my phone, email. I share him my location whenever I'm out with friends, etc. I have also expressed my intent to do willingly do what it takes to save our M when we have good moments.
Obviously, it still is a work in progress however. His gripe with me is that he thinks I have not communicated enough with him; that I won't speak or say something unless he brings it up or asks a question; therefore he's under the impression that I'm still hiding things from him.
I am not yet familiar with his love language. Are you referring to the 5 Love Languages book? I just bought this the other day but have yet to go through with it.
@cbtdad- I am sorry if my situation is bringing back painful memories for you. I can only imagine how hurt you were when you found out. One of the problems we had in our relationship was not learning how to communicate effectively. With every fight, we established this cycle of addressing the problem but not really resolving it. I resented him for many things, but never told him about it or ignored it thinking it would just go away. Sometimes when we argued, he would speak to me as if he was my father, not as his SO. He had a habit of shutting down on me for days because he didn't want to talk. As a result, I felt isolated many times, afraid to open up to him.
We have been doing couples therapy, but there have been instances where the therapist has asked to meet with us individually. Two weeks ago, I was with her alone. Last week, we were together. This week, she wants to meet with him alone to even it out as well as flesh out his feelings of wanting to D.
@RSG - He has expressed on a few occasions that he is not willing to forgive me. Says that he will always resent me for this. I know that all i can do right now is to pray for forgiveness. It may or may not come, so I know not to hold my breath. Instead, I know to just focus on showing him my remorse, showing him that I empathize and understand the scope of the hurt and damage I caused him, and slowly proving him that I can and will change. I just don't know if he's willing to accept that yet.
I went to confession a few months ago, and confessed my infidelity to a priest. His penance for me was not a few Hail Marys or anything. He said to "Keep working on it."
Thank you for your insight Blu. Things are still fresh and the triggers come pretty often. I often have a hard time figuring out what to say or do when the PTSD strikes.
I remain hopeful, but those moments are often fleeting. Especially when he randomly texts you how much he hates you.
Jo, thank you for coming here and sharing your story. Your posts will be especially valuable because most of us are/were the LBS and have had a spouse having an A.
Another thing I will say is that it takes a very long time to understand and forgive. It is not a linear progression, but often bumpy. Even if things are going well for days or weeks, all it takes is a small trigger to throw me back in time and the PTSD strikes hard. Even yesterday I saw a car that looked like OW car and I wondered if it was her and if she was in my neighborhood. Sounds so silly, but it is terribly painful.
Now that things are settling and the triggers are fading, I can honestly say that I need to take a step back. I don't know your H, but perhaps as he gets more comfortable with you being committed and trustworthy, the more he can safely allow himself to feel his anger (without fear of pushing you away). That has been my experience anyhow.
I think you are doing the right thing. Take responsibility for your actions, keep letting him know that you are sorry and that you are committed to making this work. Keep letting him know that you understand that this could take a long time and that you will remain by his side through it. And mostly keep working on yourself. As you become a healthier and stronger person, you remain desirable to him. I agree with the others that consistent action over time is what will lead to the M surviving.
Try not to keep beating yourself up; the guilt can destroy you. Learn to love and forgive yourself. As you can do that hopefully he can too.
-Blu
Yes, I think blu hit it on the head. First, your insight into the mind of the wayward wife (WW) will be of great benefit to many LBH on the board, and as you receive help or even a shoulder to lean on, you will find time to post on other peoples threads.
I think it is so important to tell your husband you are committed for the long haul, that you understand you hurt him deeply and you are willing to wait as long as you need to for him to know what he wants. I was a complete mess the first month after I found out about wife's 3 week EA with kissing, so I would expect it will take him awhile to process his emotions. But I felt like I had to hurry up and get over it, or my W would just go look elsewhere. I think that made it harder for me, because I didn't feel like I could handle processing my emotions and trying to make our relationship better at the same time, I often felt like I was faking it.
Have you written a no contact letter to OM and allowed your H to mail it? If not, ask for advice, but it needs to clearly state that you are ashamed of what you did, that you love your H and am committed to him and only him, and you do not ever want to receive any type of communication from him ever again.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Cadet, do the same links apply to her sitch? Jo is trying to regain trust after having an A. I wonder if DB would further hurt H and create more distance? As someone on the other side of the fence, i wonder if she should be doing the opposite--checking in with him more, offering him reassurance, apologizing when he expresses his anger, and investing in time together.
I know my sitch is different, but if my H started doing that soon after his A, I would not understand why he came back. Don't think we could have survived piecing as long as we have if he started detaching, doing 180s, and not initiating R talks. In fact right now, I don't see him intiating much of anything and I find myself lacking motivation to work on things.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you Blu, I was thinking the same thing. I do think that some of these links won't apply in my sitch given that I need to be transparent, maintain steady communication and re-establish trust.
While I'm still a newbie, it's been a great learning experience thus far being on DB and interacting with the community to get some insight from other people who have gone through similar experiences.
Cadet, do the same links apply to her sitch? Jo is trying to regain trust after having an A. I wonder if DB would further hurt H and create more distance? As someone on the other side of the fence, i wonder if she should be doing the opposite--checking in with him more, offering him reassurance, apologizing when he expresses his anger, and investing in time together.
You may have a point and sorry I did not read her thread first as I just usually post those links to everyone as their are still important things to read with in them.
Specifically pursuit and distance, Sandi's threads, validation and maybe some others.
Sandi was in exactly the same place as her and maybe reading her story might help.
