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#2686790 06/21/16 12:14 AM
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blueboy Offline OP
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Will the last 7 days have seen a lot of changes, W broke down 7 days ago admitting she had made a massive mistake and wanted to reconcile our M, of course this is what I want. However how to walk this path is difficult and advice and guidance would be welcome!

W has agree NC with OM and has provide me with access to phone, communications etc and has been willing to discuss details about why, how, where when etc. She has also spoke about MC

My head is spinning, I'm numb, building trust is difficult! I don't want this to take over my life, now how much to talk about it and when is difficult!!


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
blueboy #2686791 06/21/16 12:55 AM
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First off. Well done for getting this far. You have done well.

I have never pieced nor worked with my W to rebuild our M, so anything I say is based purely on stuff I read and my observations here.

Reconciliation is apparently v tough esp on lbs. Because up until then the lbs has kept his inner emotions, feelings and thoughts out of the mix. The lbs has focused their motivation on saving the M and the first stage in that continues until the other person comes back to the table and wants in.

A general guideline used is that piecing should last roughly one month for every year married/together. So this is a slow process too and I think that is best. Go too fast and you may not fully work through everything and if issues are not solved, they can come back to haunt you.

Do not let WW back in the blink of an eye. There aremany good reasons including, she knows her coming back is not automatic and you get yo decide the timeframe, not her. Also it gives you time to confirm her intention is real and not just a fluctuating emotion. Her actions need to show you consistently and without doubt she wants back. And also you need time to prepare your conditions and to prepare yourself mentally.Until now you have shield your emotions. Both of ye will have issues that need to be addressed together.

Some advise to tackle hers first as she was the one that left. I think that makes sense up to a certain point. The more she is convinced it can be a better M, the more likely she is going to stick the tough times.

Buy the lbs has been so hurt since BD, that often resentment, anger and other negative emotions naturally rise to the surface. These will have to be dealt with but firstly they need to be controlled enough to not sabotage yet efforts. I am far from saying to ignore your feelings/needs, but wanted to share my perspective.
What has happened cannot or should not be swept under the carpet and I feel the emphasis is on WAS to demonstrate real remorse and effort to right this. This does not deminish the task you face personally.

One thing to avoid is to go in with an attitude of RIGHT and WRONG.

Also don't exclusively focus on issues/problems. Work towards building s better M and not fixing a broken one.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2686798 06/21/16 03:46 AM
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blueboy Offline OP
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Thanks Roist, feels like a minefield, my emotions are so shut down, it like thing are normal but clearly thing are far from normal.

I don't want to dwell of what happen, but why it happen and how do we stop it happening in the future!


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
blueboy #2686799 06/21/16 04:12 AM
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I agree with Roist's advice. No doubt, your emotions may be screaming, "Yes, this is what you want". I urge you to not get in any hurry to take her back. If she really wants back with you, she will do what you want. If she wants to save the M, she will agree to your terms. Please note, she is not to set the conditions about her coming back, b/c that is your job. She betrayed you, so she needs to come back into the M under your stipulations. For example, NC of any type with OM; complete transparency (phone messages, etc.) and she is not to decide when you check, nor should she be forewarned when you will check; attend MC with a therapist trained in healing from an affair; and there will be no separate sleeping arrangements. You can add other things, but these are very important. There needs to be a plan and professional guidance. You can't jump back into things and expect a better outcome if you don't have guidance and a plan.

I think she is feeling a little reality hitting her. She may be seeing where she had it much better at home with you. And, I'm sure she misses her home. The OM could hanve shunned her, once she left you, and she's feeling the sting. I encourage you to observe her attitude. If she is showing some anger toward you, then don't let her back. If she wants in-house separation, absolutely tell her no way. If she wants separate bedrooms, no way. She doesn't have to be under your roof to work on the R. Don't be in a hurry, and don't let her talk you into putting everything in the past and moving forward (that is what WW's want to do). As the LBH, you are going to experience several stages after she goes back home.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2686814 06/21/16 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I agree with Roist's advice. No doubt, your emotions may be screaming, "Yes, this is what you want". I urge you to not get in any hurry to take her back. If she really wants back with you, she will do what you want. If she wants to save the M, she will agree to your terms. Please note, she is not to set the conditions about her coming back, b/c that is your job. She betrayed you, so she needs to come back into the M under your stipulations. For example, NC of any type with OM; complete transparency (phone messages, etc.) and she is not to decide when you check, nor should she be forewarned when you will check; attend MC with a therapist trained in healing from an affair; and there will be no separate sleeping arrangements. You can add other things, but these are very important. There needs to be a plan and professional guidance. You can't jump back into things and expect a better outcome if you don't have guidance and a plan.
[\quote]

She has agreed to all these thing and is being very transparent about everything I ask.

[quote]
I think she is feeling a little reality hitting her. She may be seeing where she had it much better at home with you. And, I'm sure she misses her home. The OM could hanve shunned her, once she left you, and she's feeling the sting. I encourage you to observe her attitude. If she is showing some anger toward you, then don't let her back. If she wants in-house separation, absolutely tell her no way. If she wants separate bedrooms, no way. She doesn't have to be under your roof to work on the R. Don't be in a hurry, and don't let her talk you into putting everything in the past and moving forward (that is what WW's want to do). As the LBH, you are going to experience several stages after she goes back home.


There has been no anger towards me, the only emotion she seem to give off or talk about is shame and talk about how she cant believe she has done something so alien to her morales and values! She was angered and disgusted when I friend had an affair years ago!


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
blueboy #2686851 06/21/16 10:50 AM
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"There has been no anger towards me, the only emotion she seem to give off or talk about is shame and talk about how she cant believe she has done something so alien to her morales and values! She was angered and disgusted when I friend had an affair years ago!"

WW has a friend at preschool. A couple years ago she told me the H was having an affair with a woman he saw at work, W found out, he refused to stop. Teenage D confronted him in public and was livid. WW was sickened and told her to divorce him. Another friend of WW told her to do what she could to keep the family together.

FF to today. WW has had an affair and hasn't had any remorse yet. The friend who told her to try for her family hasn't said anything to WW, and has even run to WW when I texted her "good luck on your new job." This is a person I respected as a friend of WW, a decent Christian woman who cherished family to a fault. Just not my family I guess.

Point being: They throw their morals out the window for temporary "happiness." I'm glad yours has seen the light. If you want to proceed, you have to put your feelings in a box and can't really let them out too much re the pain you've felt.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2686951 06/22/16 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted By: RSG
"There has been no anger towards me, the only emotion she seem to give off or talk about is shame and talk about how she cant believe she has done something so alien to her morales and values! She was angered and disgusted when I friend had an affair years ago!"

WW has a friend at preschool. A couple years ago she told me the H was having an affair with a woman he saw at work, W found out, he refused to stop. Teenage D confronted him in public and was livid. WW was sickened and told her to divorce him. Another friend of WW told her to do what she could to keep the family together.

FF to today. WW has had an affair and hasn't had any remorse yet. The friend who told her to try for her family hasn't said anything to WW, and has even run to WW when I texted her "good luck on your new job." This is a person I respected as a friend of WW, a decent Christian woman who cherished family to a fault. Just not my family I guess.

Point being: They throw their morals out the window for temporary "happiness." I'm glad yours has seen the light. If you want to proceed, you have to put your feelings in a box and can't really let them out too much re the pain you've felt.


W has even stated as much, she lost her way and left her values and morales behind. She is very down about who she has become.


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
blueboy #2686964 06/22/16 09:52 AM
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"W has even stated as much, she lost her way and left her values and morales behind. She is very down about who she has become."

This is a great start. You can't let her wallow in that for too long, but it seems like a great start for showing you remorse and allowing trust to build. To me, having the person admit they have made an immoral choice is half the battle. It sounds like you're in a pretty good place.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2686976 06/22/16 10:36 AM
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Blueboy, if you haven't done it yet, you may want to read Lim's thread, he has been piecing for awhile, and his most recent thread goes into concerns about letting his W back to soon.

you can also read through my stich a little, but my situation was much different than yours, but I do go through the emotional rollercoaster that everyone is referring to. and I'll tell you what, once your WW wants you back, you will get Angry, Madder than heck when you think about what they did, and for the first time you will really wonder if you want them back. Be prepared, the roller coaster is going back around for another run.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut #2687098 06/23/16 01:56 AM
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Thanks Coconut, I will drop by and have a look!

I just don't how to feel, or what to think, one minute all feels normal, next I feel sad, alone, angry, nearly every emotion under the Sun.

I want to forgive, but worry about giving forgiveness to quick or to slow.

Sometimes I want to give up...


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
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