Lost at the moment

[lfm]

Thanks for the support Sandi! I have read the link on detaching and it's a work in progress. After years of being a chronic "fixer", I do find it difficult to not try to fix this and to let my W figure this out on her own. I feel like I'm getting a little bit stronger and better at detaching every day, but it's still a bit of a struggle somedays.

I also struggle a bit with shutting my mouth and not saying anything, although I've been doing better with that the past week or so, not really talking unless she says something first.

I keep thinkging about the need to take this one day at a time and to do everything I can to be a little bit better for myself every day.

Thanks again!

[lfm]

Struggling a bit today, I'm pretty sure my WW is fully engaged with the OM again. I'm finding it really hard to not snoop and try to figure out what is going on, but it's the same pattern's I've seen before, preceeded over the weeking by a discussion about how she doesn't want to get divorced, but needs more time to end things with the OM.

I'm really trying to focus on GAL, and guess I let my guard down after prior discussions about how she new she needed to end things with him, and had even changed her behavior for a couple of weeks. I know the additiction she has with this is a powerful force, and she's clearly not ready to move forward.

Sandi - if you're out there, did you go through anything like this where you knew you needed to end it and just couldn't do it?

[lfm]

I may have messed up a bit last night... I got frustrated and told my WW that I couldn't do this anymore and that I need to focus on moving on and take care of myself. She responded with a lot of anger and emotion. We had a pretty lengthy discussion, and the things I took out of it are:

1) She recognizes her relationship with the OM is not a long term thing and there is no real future with him, but she's unwilling to end it right now.
2) She's afraid of ending up alone
3) She wants more time to work through her feelings and emotions
4) She wants to evaluate things after we get into the new house and things "calm down a bit" (she seems to have a mental hangup on moving into the house, like that will be the thing that allows her to make decisions and move forward)

Maybe it's not as big of an issue as it feels right now, I feel like my telling her that has pushed her away further, but it is helping me mentally focus a bit more at work and I know it will help with my GAL activities to put myself in the position of moving forward with my life whether she is part of it or not.

Any thoughts out there from the vets on if this may have been a huge setback in telling her that?

[doodler]

Ifm,

Disclaimer: I'm not a vet, I'm just doodler.

You didn't mess up or even change anything. You're still Plan B. You've got her right where she wants you.

[lfm]

Thanks doodler - I'm in that mode I think a lot of the people here have been through where you feel like everything you say or do to your WW is a setback or sets them off for one reason or another.

I appreciate the support and totally agree I'm her plan B right now, which is part of the reason for the conversation last night.

[doodler]

Ifm,

I completely understand; I've been there. The whole thing is new and such an entirely different experience (in a not-fun way) that it's almost impossible to comprehend.

Hang in there.

[lfm]

Struggling a bit today.

To keep everyone from having to read the history, my W is still engaged in an affair, although it seems to have gone from EA to PA back to EA as she hasn't seen him outside of work in about 5 weeks. We still live in the same residence, and sleep in the same bed.

I've been pulling away from her as much as possible the past couple of weeks, and feel like I'm doing well, but still struggle a bit with the no snooping. Anyway, last night had a good night, I got home, we had dinner as a family, and then went to check on progress at the house we're building. We got back to the apartment we are currently living in and I decided I was going to the pool to try to swim some laps and get a different workout in as opposed to running or elliptical. My wife stayed at the apartment, but about 20 minutes appeared at the pool and decided she was going to swim with me. I was pleasantly surprised about this.

The rest of the evening was fine, she spent a fair amount of time on her phone texting, which has been the pattern for the past couple of weeks. I went to sleep, I think she did the same not to long after. In the middle of the night I was sleeping on my side facing her, she got up to use the bathroom and came back to bed and put her hand in mine. I probably should have pulled away, but it was nice to have that small physical connection, even if for just a few minutes.

I left this morning, said have a good day and walked out of the apartment. However, since leaving the apartment I've really struggled with not snooping, detaching my thoughts from her at work and it's honestly interferring with my ability to focus on my job today.

Not really looking for advice here, I know I'm going to have up and down days with this, just trying to do a better job of keeping my story updated.

Thanks!

[lfm]

Ugh, finding it hard to dettach tonight, WW just left the apartment without saying anything, so I know she's on her way to see the OM. I know it shouldn't matter anymore, I need to just let her do her thing until she figures it out, but doesn't make it any easier when this is the first time in about 5 weeks she's taken off like this to see him.

May be a restless night...

[lfm]

Question for anyone... In your experience with a WW, have you seen them go back and forth, where they start pulling away from the OM, but then go back and seem more attached to the OM than they were the first time?

The reason I ask is my WW's behavior has changed since I've noticed her engaging more with the OM again. Seems like she's more attached than ever, and is shutting me out more than she has in the past.

Not trying to mind read her, just trying to understand if this is at all typical in this type of situation.

[DDJ]

Lets see if i can help lfm, besides my question on my own thread.

This is how i see it. Your wife is still attached to the OM. Her actions are pretty clear. You can cling on and stay attached yourself, or you can let go.

Now we talk about co-dependency here, and i think i simpler word is familiarity. You are familiar with her being home. She leaves - you get anxious. She stays - you have a peaceful sleep.

Now this is unnatural. How is it that we allow someone else to impact on our physiological state? That's the thing - WE ALLOW.

And people only do to you, what you allow them to do.