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How are you doing, Jo. Are you still with us?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi everyone. Thank you Sandi for checking in. It's been a whirlwind over the past few days since I last checked in here.

On Thursday morning, H went to see our therapist alone because she wanted to flesh out his thoughts on wanting to divorce. He re-iterated that he feels there is no other choice to move forward, and wants to start having our MC sessions focus on "uncoupling." The therapist asked him if she should reach out to me to tell me this, but he insisted that it be best he does. So he calls me at work on Thursday morning and asks to meet for lunch. (We never ever meet for lunch during the weekday, so I immediately got nervous and thought that was going to tell me he's already filed).

During lunch, as he was telling me what he discussed during therapy, and what he wants to do moving forward, my heart just kept sinking and sinking. Deep down inside, he said he doesn't want to do this, he still loves me, but it's what he has to do in order to be able to move on. He feels as if he can't move past this because I will repeat the same mistakes, and the only way to move forward is for us to D.

Since that night, I've been sleeping in our bedroom next to him, and he has even embraced me and held me close at times.

But this past weekend was filled with a bunch of highs and lows. We were able to go to brunch with another couple, garden, and spend time with our families. But in between those good moments, there were low points - expressing his anger towards me, telling me, "I know we've had a couple of good days so far, but I still want a divorce." Yesterday, driving over to see his parents he said I should start looking soon for a L.

As you can see, I'm not really sure what to do. I just finished reading 5 LL book, and it's been eye-opening. I want to start applying and speaking his LL asap- I believe his LL is Quality Time/Quality conversation, and I've been doing my best to have conversations with him. If you recall from my previous posts, one of the things he has been so frustrated about with me is my lack of openness to telling him what I'm thinking and feeling.

As for other 180s, I'm thinking about giving up drinking. He made a comment the other night, "One thing I"ll be glad to see when you're not in my life is your drinking."

Should I start looking for a L? What do I make of his actions/words?

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Jo88, I'm sorry to hear where you are with your H, but right now I am your H. I will say it sounds like you are truly remorseful and willing to do whatever you can do to save your M, and if I felt that way about my W I would be in a different place. Does your H know how you feel and what you are willing to do? Based on what you've said, It sounds like he does, but I have to ask because if I knew my W was there, I think I'd be more into piecing.

These are just my thoughts about what would make a difference for me, and may not apply to your sitch. I'd like my W to write me a letter, outlining why she did what she did, what was missing from us when she did it, what she thinks about it now (where she went wrong in our R, and what she wanted from me that I didn't give her) and what she is willing to do going forward, as well as what she would want from me going forward.

The problem is, your H now sounds like a WAS, so I don't know if this letter (which may be considered Persuing) would push him away, I can only tell you it would be a good thing if my WW would do it for me. I'm going to tell my W that I'm leaving in a month if she doesn't convince me otherwise in the next month that she wants us to work (and we've been piecing for a month). I just feel like she's had no consequence for her actions of having an A, and I don't want to feel like I'm doing all the work to fix a M that we both screwed up (I fully believe her A was worse than my neglect).


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Originally Posted By: Jo88
As you can see, I'm not really sure what to do. I just finished reading 5 LL book, and it's been eye-opening. I want to start applying and speaking his LL asap- I believe his LL is Quality Time/Quality conversation, and I've been doing my best to have conversations with him. If you recall from my previous posts, one of the things he has been so frustrated about with me is my lack of openness to telling him what I'm thinking and feeling.

As for other 180s, I'm thinking about giving up drinking. He made a comment the other night, "One thing I"ll be glad to see when you're not in my life is your drinking."

Should I start looking for a L? What do I make of his actions/words?


Continue to spend time with him then and see what happens? Focus on keeping things light and fun!

As for the other 180s, if you H really has a problem with your drinking, don't think, just stop drinking. This is a 180 that he will see immediately and it is probably healthier for you also regardless of the outcome.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Coconut, I'm sorry that you're in the same position as my H. I am truly remorseful for what I've done, and he has acknowledged it a few times. But he also says he has no sympathy for me, which I completely understand. I don't expect anything from him.

I have told him that I'm 100% committed and willing to do anything to save our M, but to him, he says it's too late. He tells me that while it's been good that we've been able to understand a little bit more why we got here in the first place, and commends me for being so introspective and genuinely hopes I change and become a better person for this, he also feels that at this point, there is no point in giving me the time to prove myself to him because he's afraid he will only be disappointed again.

I'm not sure if writing a letter to him will work as I bring these issues to him in person when we're in bed, or driving to work, or in the house. Maybe I can still give it a shot.

Thanks for the encouragement JimKao. I will continue to think of some other things that frustrates him about me and start doing a 180. Just ordered Michele's Divorce Remedy book and waiting for that so I can start reading it.

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Jo,

I feel there is still hope. The more 180s you can do to improve the better off you will be. Write them down, even the smallest ones he will notice. He resents you and will not forgive at this point in time. Unfortunately you can't control that.

Dress up everyday even if it is just around the house. Put make up on. Look the hottest you have ever looked. Who knows maybe that will wake him up a bit and remember the beautiful person he fell in love with.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Thank you Jim. I continue to remain hopeful by hanging on the slivers of love and affection he occasionally shows for me.

At this point, I cannot ask him for forgiveness. He resents me too much - understandably so.

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Originally Posted By: Jo88
He feels as if he can't move past this because I will repeat the same mistakes


I think this is the key right here.

There isnt anything that you can say that will change his mind. All you can do is to be the person you always should have been.

Continued, consistent change on your part in ACTION is the only way to change his mind.

It may not work to save this marriage, but at the very least, you will learn new behaviors that will follow you for the rest of your life.

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Originally Posted By: darknes


There isnt anything that you can say that will change his mind. All you can do is to be the person you always should have been.

Continued, consistent change on your part in ACTION is the only way to change his mind.

It may not work to save this marriage, but at the very least, you will learn new behaviors that will follow you for the rest of your life.


100% realizing this as the days go by, Darkness. I am determined to work on myself and change myself for the better, but am slowly starting to accept that this much needed change is coming at the expense of my M and a beautiful friendship with the H. It makes me incredibly sad that it's come to this. I cannot change his mind or how feels about me unless I change myself.

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Originally Posted By: darknes
Originally Posted By: Jo88
He feels as if he can't move past this because I will repeat the same mistakes


I think this is the key right here.

There isn't anything that you can say that will change his mind. All you can do is to be the person you always should have been.

Continued, consistent change on your part in ACTION is the only way to change his mind.

It may not work to save this marriage, but at the very least, you will learn new behaviors that will follow you for the rest of your life.


I wholeheartedly agree with darkness. Try and shift the focus off of him and his plans and onto the only thing you can control, which is you. You are wounded and it will take you time to heal--time to understand yourself and time to forgive yourself. As you learn to heal yourself and get stronger, you can have a more fulfilling life, and ultimately he can learn to trust you again. It will be this consistent action over time that will also show him you have changed. This cannot be rushed.

Your H is very wounded and this will take a very, very long time to work through for him as well. It does not surprise me that he is feeling hopeless and wants to give up. He feels powerless and so he wants to take action--he wants any control he can gain--and so all he can do is file D right now. He cannot force himself to trust you, love you, and feel safe with you again. It's hard for him to do nothing, which for him may mean accepting the pain.

Perhaps the most you can do for him right now is listen, validate, and let him know that you understand this will take a long time. Let him know you understand the gravity of the situation and that it will take time for you both to heal. Let him know you plan to work on yourself and want to make changes but that you cannot do it for him, it must be for you. This is the truth.

Tell him the only thing you want from him right now is time. Let him know that you know he feels hopeless and wants to file for D, but that you both owe it to yourselves to take a step back and give yourselves the time you deserve to make sense of this mess you created. Perhaps if you take the pressure off to work on the M right now he can feel safe to start processing this. It takes time to know that we want to spend our lives with someone and it may take even longer to know that we no longer do.

I am sorry you are here. I don't know what your H will do, but I can relate to his pain. This wasn't just a bit of flirting or attention-seeking on your part, you essentially gave up on your M for a long time, or that is how he sees it. He is going to be wounded for awhile, perhaps years, but I do see hope. He still cares for you and wants to trust you, but his fears and resentment may get the better of him.

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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