I just joined DB in the hopes of finding some guidance and advice on what I should do with my current situation.
H and I have been married for almost 3 years; together for 9. No kids.
A few months ago, H found out that I was having an A with an old friend. He found out in the worst way - the OM's W called him while H and I were on a trip. I denied and denied until I finally admitted to it. The A started a few years ago, before we got M; it started out as an EA and slipped into a PA.
Since the discovery, you can imagine that our life has been turned upside down. With my H present, I had a conversation with the OM's W and apologized for my actions (It turns out that I was just one of many others who he's been talking to, though i'm not sure he's had sexual relations with others). A scorned woman, she also said I'm not a woman and I don't deserve to be loved ever again.
I have cut off all contact with OM, and have disclosed details of my A to my H. Every day has been a struggle and an emotional rollercoaster for us. Almost every day for the past few months, we have talked about the A, why this happened, our shortcomings, our past problems, how hurt he is, how sorry I am, etc. We even set aside 1:1 sessions every Sunday morning for us to talk for an hour about our relationship - what's good about it, what needs improvement, anything.
I've been reading web sites and books, and it has tremendously helped me be more introspective and explore the reasons why I betrayed him and did what I did. We have also been going to counseling for the past few months, which has helped to uncover so many issues about myself that I guess made me vulnerable to an A (co-dependency issues, low self esteem, etc.) While some sessions have definitely helped us both, lately, it's been not so much for him.
For the past two weeks, he has become distant and withdrawn, saying he doesn't have anything else to say, the energy to invest in the R, and wants a D.
One day he says he loves me and the next day, he's cold-hearted sending me text messages seething with anger and hatred, telling me he wants me out of his life, that too much has happened for our M to be saved and back to what it once was. He thinks I will never change (continue to lie, betray him, ride things out until everything is back to normal, etc.) He has asked that I sleep in the guest bedroom, but every now and then, I'll go into our bedroom to talk about things I'm reflecting on, express my sorrow for the hurt I've caused him and the damage i've done. This sometimes leads to us having sex, but sometimes he has intrusive thoughts about me being with the OM.
I realize the extent of the catastrophe I'm in, and am so sorry for what I have done to him, and our M. I am doing what I can to show him that I can change (owning up to the A 100%, being accountable by telling him where I am and what time I'm coming home when I'm out with friends, etc.)
I desperately want to save my M from falling apart, and I don't know what else to do. If I understand the concept of 180s correctly, I need to show him I'm trustworthy, I need to open up more and communicate with him, be a better listener, and not take him for granted. But with him being so distant, I feel paralyzed - I want to be able to reach out, communicate and say something, but his actions sometimes deter me.
I understand that if I want this M to survive, the heavy lifting will be on my part, and I also understand that despite my efforts, we may still end up D....
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Last edited by Cristy; 06/21/1601:48 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Jo88, I'm glad you came here, although I'm not going to lie, it is rough to hear from the WS and feel compassion.. Although I do respect that you are here to save your M. It takes a lot of strength to say your the WS in a room full of LBS, and I applaud you for that.
I think you said the A has been going on since before you were married... I can tell you as a LBH that is mind blowing. What have you said to your H about taking M vows with him while having an A? I will give you my perspective. My W had an A with someone from her fire station, while the A was going on, she took me to the station, showed me around and introduced me to all the people that were there (OM wasn't there). After I found out about the A, I couldn't stop wondering if we had walked by a spot where they had kissed, did I stand next to his locker at any time, did my truck being in the parking lot make her think about his truck in the parking lot where they would sneak off to and make out...
I want to understand how she could bring me to a place where that was going on, look me in the eye, and not break down, it made/makes me feel very disrespected, unloved, and almost like she had fun flaunting it even though I didn't know. Your H has to deal with that 100 fold, so again I ask, what have you told him to explain what was going through your mind when you where with him for all those special moments, knowing that you were also with another man?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh, and I would suggest you read through bluwaves thread, her husband had an A, and they've been working for a year to piece their R back together. It may help give you some perspective of what your H is feeling.
Welcome Jo88. Sorry that you find yourself here. I am sure you are going to get a lot of attention on your situation. I think it is great that you are owning up to it 100 percent. This is something I wish my W would have done a few years ago. Coming from the other side I can tell you right now that your H is on a roller coaster of emotions. It took me a good 6 months at least once we started reconciling before the ups and downs were so big. This going to take a lot of patience on your part. Don't give up. If you want your M to work then continue to do the things you need to do for that to happen. Understand though that DBing isn't about saving your M. It's about becoming the person you can be. If that saves your M, then great. If it doesn't then ask yourself who do you want to be? Do you want to be in this situation again? It would be helpful to get more background as well. How old are y'all? How often was this going on? Did he have any idea at times?
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thank you for the welcome packet Cadet, Coconut and cbtdad.
@Cadet - I'll make sure to read through all of these. I imagine it will take some time getting used to all the terms used here, and apply it to my own situation.
@Coconut and cbtdad - H and I are both 34 yo. Here are some more details. The A started in 2012, had little to no contact with him (via phone or physically) in 2013 when I got married, and in 2014. Re-connected in 2015. The details of my A with the OM primarily lived via text (sexting). We didn't email, talk on the phone, and saw each other about 10 times over the course of those years (lunch dates, dinner/drinks, and three hotel meet ups). OM got married in 2015, and continued contact with each other. He led me to believe that his M was just to help him get documented as a US citizen, and that while there was an existing relationship, he didn't really love his W.
The H had no idea - in fact, thought that the OM was long gone out of my life (He had initially expressed me not wanting to talk to him as a friend in 2010. I found myself in that position of eventually keeping my friendship with him a secret, which led to the A.)
For lack of a better word, I feel like (and probably am) an [censored], and know I probably don't deserve a second chance with the H. I've had a tendency of running away from my problems (even before I was with my H) and sweeping things under the rug, craved the attention the OM was giving me and fell into this slippery slope. I compartmentalized, and did it so well (to much shame) that it became easy to lie and live in a fantasy world. It breaks my heart just writing this about me.
In my self-reflection, the H and I discussed that I have to work on setting boundaries with other people, hence me becoming vulnerable. Growing up, my father also cheated on my mom, and maybe, this has something to do with me thinking this is ok? Idk... I admit, and the H does too, that we have our own relationship problems that may have contributed, but I do let him know that it is NOT the reason why I cheated.
The A has brought to light so many things about myself that I am not very proud of... I became the "toxic" one in the relationship. It has made me realize that I have a lot of growing up to do, never really loved or respected myself, and as a result, it made me disrespect my H and my marriage.
I absolutely never ever want to be in this situation again, and am committed to showing him this. The trouble is, as much as I tell him these things, obviously my words mean very little to him. So i have to show and prove.
I pray to be patient. I understand this will take a long time....
Welcome to the boards. Coming from the standpoint of "things I wish my WW was willing to do", here are some thoughts:
If he is still having occasional good moments, I would take one of those opportunities to just tell him "I am willing to do whatever it takes to try and win you back, is there anything I can do to help that?"
Have you asked him something direct like that? Have you followed through on what he said he needs?
Do you have a transparency plan? E.G. he can ask to see your cell phone or tablet or email any time he wants?
Do you know what his Love Language is? Giving him positive attention in the "language" he most understands could be a very good thing when he is open to it.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
First, I want to tell you that you are very brave to come here and air your dirty laundry regarding your affair. You are one of the lucky ones to come out of your fog and work to rebuild your marriage.
It is very difficult to heal from infidelity for both parties. Michele is actually writing a book about it right now.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Wow. I must admit reading your situation is bringing back painful memories and giving me anxiety about my current situation. You sound very much like my W when you said this, "I've had a tendency of running away from my problems (even before I was with my H) and sweeping things under the rug, craved the attention the OM was giving me and fell into this slippery slope. I compartmentalized" It sounds like you craved the attention more than anything else. Where you not getting that from your H? My W had an A 4 years ago and it lasted for about 8 months. I know I left her wide open and vulnerable to that. She took some responsibility eventually. The way you are owning up to it and looking inward is very positive. This time around I am looking into me as well. I know I was verbally and emotionally abusive. It's tough to admit, but I see it clearly now. At least I know I can work on me so I don't bring this into another relationship. Whether that is with my W or someone new. So I think that is huge that you recognize that. Have you thought about IC?
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
As someone currently having to deal with a WW, your story hurts my heart (and broods anger) all over again. However, reading your remorse and desire to heal and improve your marriage shows me there is hope.
It will be very hard for him to trust you in the beginning. As others have mentioned you have to be pretty d@mn transparent for a few weeks, or as long as you both agree. You are also correct that you have to SHOW your remorse and desire to rebuild, rather than just saying words. These are the important things.
Lastly, you have to be prepared for the inevitable: You will hurt. He will bring up his pain, and you will owe him the opportunity to explain to you how your actions have caused him to hurt. For you both to heal and come back together, honest discussions of such must occur. But, he must also accept your remorse. Using the A as a weapon will destroy any reconciliation attempts....he will simply be hurting too much OR he's not ready to forgive yet. Forgiving such a thing is very difficult. If my WW came to me asking for forgiveness and wanting to heal our M and re-establish our family it would take a lot of soul searching for me to do so. (Her fear that I would attack her about what she's done is probably why she's said she's not willing to do the work necessary to rebuild. But, it's 'only' been a month. Today.)
Humble yourself. In this situation, it's really the best thing you can do. My WW is scared to admit to me she did a terrible thing, and how it's hurt me, her S and herself. Put your pride away and be selfless. Others can give you better advice than me, I'm really just saying what I wish WW would do for me.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
