My H of 23 years told me he doesn't love me anymore, has never loved me,that we haven't had one good moment in all of our 23 years and that we are incompatible. He said he's giving me until the end of the month, at which point he will possibly file for divorce. After crying hysterically, begging, pleading, etc., I employed michelle's principles and wrote him a letter saying I had to let him go, if that's what he wanted. He comes home apx. every three or four days.I have no idea where he is. He never calls, etc. I have been trying to stay away from him, to act happy & distant. I go to the lake when I can but it's hard b/c we have three kids. My question is this: I have a graduation party to throw this weekend for two of my boys. Should I cancel it and go back to the lake,employing the no contact rule? I am feeling desperate, and the no-contact rule may be my only hope. But I feel the kids deserve to celebrate this milestone. Any thoughts?
This post has been moved to newcomers so that more people will see it and offer support.
Sadly, the statements your husband is making aren't unusual. History is often rewritten.
Graduation is a big deal! You're so smart to recognize that the kids deserve to celebrate this milestone. How you handle it is key.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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So sorry that you find yourself here JMO. What your H has said to you is textbook speak for walk away husbands (WAH). Mine said the exact same, though we haven't been married as long as you. I know how much you are hurting.
It sounds like you're doing a great job already having followed Micelle's advice.
With regards to the graduation party, I think it is a perfect GAL (getting a life) activity to show your H that you are not phased by his behaviour! Of course, I'm no expert, but I think you should plan it exactly the same as you would if he was still there. Your children need everything to carry on as normal as is possible under the circumstances.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
JMO, I am so sorry! Everyone here knows the pain you are experiencing. You are very strong to be able to apply the DB principles so quickly.
I would celebrate your children's graduation as you otherwise would have.
Also, I would talk to a lawyer asap. You need to know your rights in case H goes on with the divorce. It doesn't mean you have to file, but do consult because you need to have this information and it is going to be so empowering.
What did he mean by 'giving you until the end of the month'? Is there something he thinks you're supposed to do to possibly change his mind?
If he is not staying at home and you don't know where he is, I am sorry to say that I think he is likely having an affair.
My H said very similar things to me - had a list of things from the past that he had been terribly hurt by, all reasons to split, and I had really not had any value in our 15 years of marriage except help run our business, etc. We were just so different, there was no way we could make it. Most of us here have heard the same thing. It's nothing you did, they are trying to find a reason for their hurtful actions so they don't have to feel so guilty.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
JMO, I am truly sorry to hear about your situation, but take solace in the fact that you are not alone, myself and many others have heard the same hateful things said by our S, and you need to truly understand those hateful words are not true. The good times you remember were real, and they were good for him too.
But that M filled with so many good times, I'm sad to say, is over. No matter what happens going forward, whatever the outcome, will be new. If things work out with your H, your M will need to start again, and if your M ends, it will be a new experience as well. But no matter the outcome, there is one constant, and that is that you and your children will still be there. Now is the time to do as your doing, work on yourself, and be a great mom to your children. I would not cancel any graduation plans, because your child graduating is something that you and your child worked hard on for many years to achieve, so go ahead and throw the best damn party to show your world how proud you are.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi, Thanks for all your kind replies. Sorry about second similar post, I can't figure out how to delete it.
Edit -I deleted it for you - Cadet
I have decided to hold the grad party, thank you all. As I said, I am trying hard to distance but I am frustrated beyond words. He slept here last night (couch of course, his choice) and snuck out of the house, quiet as a mouse, this morning, while I pretended to sleep. This is his pattern (when he is home.) He doesn't say a word, and now, b/c I am trying to DB, neither do I.
Needless to say, this is driving me crazy. I feel I am going to burst. I have a meeting planned with a financial planner just to get my ducks in a row, in case he files. However, I have no information for the planner b/c he does all the finances, has all the passwords, does our taxes, etc. I know nothing, I'm ashamed to say. It's all on the computer - he has very little in the way of files. He brought the bill folder with him to work. In the last month he took a new job - I don't even know the name/location of the company. I am embarrassed to tell you that. He is silent.
Do I break my "no-contact" rule and talk to him about all this? Will I be pushing him further toward divorce if I bring it up? Should I ask him to move out? I want him to stop this craziness! However, we don't have the $ to afford an apartment for him and a house for me and I will have to sell the house if he divorce. I am crying every single day and wonder how long I can go on like this....thanks for your responses. H-52 W-50 S-18 S-17 S-14 Married 23 yrs, together for 27
JMO, do you work? If so, I would strongly suggest opening an act for you and having your check deposited there. Then you can give him the amounts needed to pay the bills after seeing what's owed, but you need to start doing what you can to protect yourself financially.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I do not work. I am in school to get a master's degree in teaching, but I have another year to go. I just talked to him on the phone, completely blew DB and all my dignity. I told him he was abandoning the family...ugh. He seems hell bent on doing this. He said he has no desire to go to counseling with me.
I do love those fourth graders....minds like little sponges and still very sweet. I have been substitute teaching for three years after a bout with breast cancer.
My husband's face is contorted with anger. It's like an alien has invaded his body. How he sustains such anger for so long is beyond me. OK...deep breath....I will go back to ignoring him. Painful stuff.
Cadet, should I completely ignore him then? But also be positive and happy? We have the grad party this weekend. He is a snarling, hissing cat around me. Quietly steaming. It's awful.
Cadet, should I completely ignore him then? But also be positive and happy? We have the grad party this weekend. He is a snarling, hissing cat around me. Quietly steaming. It's awful.
I think this is a good place to start. Get on living your life in a positive and happy manner. Stop engaging him and only respond when absolutely necessary.
You want him to pursue you in a respectful manner. Other than that you have no time for him and are busy with your life.
I do love those fourth graders....minds like little sponges and still very sweet. I have been substitute teaching for three years after a bout with breast cancer.
I understand, I think fourth grade would be a fun grade to teach. My youngest son just finished fifth grade and he's still has that sweet demeanor; I wish he'd stay like that forever.
Originally Posted By: jmo
My husband's face is contorted with anger. It's like an alien has invaded his body. How he sustains such anger for so long is beyond me. OK...deep breath....I will go back to ignoring him. Painful stuff.
With regards to what Cadet said, I had a difficult time getting out of pursuit mode with my wife. I did a lot things to delay the separation and divorce filing. Even though I didn't feel like I was pursuing, my wife perceived my behavior as pursuing. When I started "helping" her achieve her goals, she began to understand that I was serious about moving on.
The side-effect of that was I started feeling better about myself because I was no longer Plan B (i.e. she doesn't get to have me and the OM) and I gained a new respect for myself. I was surprised at how much better I felt about myself because I was no longer Plan B; it really helped me to be more objective about my marriage and my relationship with my wife.
Hi JMO, I wanted to respond to your question in my thread about NC. I see you've been M a long time. Before I answer that question, I'd like to know more about your M, so permit me to ask several questions, in order to get a clearer view. What are the ages of you and your H?
Can you give us a little more marital history about your MR?
Was there usually good interaction between you as a couple? Was one more talkative than the other? Did the two personalities clash or compatible? Who would you say wore the pants in the M? Who would you say was mostly the giver and who was the taker?
Did your H come from a healthy home environment, or was it dysfunctional? Has he lost a very close family member or friend, lately? Has he suffered financial ruin or some other catastrophe in the past couple of years?
A personal but extremely important question is how was your sex life before he began this behavior?
Have either of you ever been in an inappropriate relationship? Do you suspect your H has another woman, and if he does......is it a deal breaker for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
also, there is nothing to be embarassed about. Things happen. It takes a lot of courage to share your situation. Be proud of that. Any changes you make right now, need to be for yourself and no one else. That's the only way to not 'fake' it.
I agree that you should leave these posts on the board.
The way I read this you are putting a lot of stock into things you did wrong and giving your husband no credit at all for being depressed and un-engaged. I do not think he deserves a hall pass. I think you need to drop the rope and let him go, detach, and focus on yourself. Just because your husband stopped drinking does not mean that he is cured of all his problems.
Do you attend AL-ANON?
I think that if you do not it might be a good place to start. DB is a lot like it.
It is counter intuitive and most people dont get it!
