What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Coconut]

And Swing...

I'm torn, and I'm not sure if it's my emotions and I'm over reacting, or if I have a right to be pissed even though I'm still convinced that there is no A going on..

The main thing is my W downloaded snap chat, I found out because after she went to the concert about two weeks ago, she sent me one of the silly pictures that snapchat lets you take. I asked her about it, told her I didn't like it because snapchat is the perfect A app, deleting all communication after a few seconds. She said our friend was using it at the concert to take pictures of them and she wanted the picture options it gets. Tonight I look at her snapchat and she has added firefighter people and other friends to her snapchat friends list. So she added people even though She also had reemphasized one other time after our talk that she only downloaded it for picture taking.

Also, my W started sending me texts on her own giving her whereabouts, when she got out of school, heading somewhere, etc. now she has stopped doing it on her own. She does tell me where she's going, just doesn't update after she leaves unless I inquire. I don't know if it's because she sees me being more confident and not asking about her goings on, but even if that's the case, I feel like she should have talked to me about it before stopping the updates.

I'm confident nothing is going on, there is no way she could be faking her loving attitude towards me (even giving me light kiss hello when she comes home and I'm sleeping) and she is home almost all of the time when nothing going on. I guess my concern is that even though I am confident nothing is going on, I don't feel like she is A proofing our M and I don't like that. Am I expecting too much and overreacting because I want to control everything? Well, that's why I'm here, to ask.

All I know is that I'm back to asking myself if I really want to go through this, if I want to stay with her or start over... And up again, because I woke up at midnight and can't fall back asleep.

[DDJ]

Sorry to hear coconut. You're going to drive yourself insane, or into another car from lack of sleep.

I don't think that you can affair proof a R. You can only trust with all of you or nothing at all really. That is a choice though. So close your eyes, accept the things that you cannot change and either trust or don't.

You cannot sit in limbo.

[cbtdad]

Coconut I completely understand the emotions you are going through. It's very tough because you were hurt so bad. You don't want this to happen again and you want to try and control the environment so that you can't get hurt like that.
I've been there done that.
DDJ is right. There is no way to fully affair proof a marriage.
However I do think you can try and protect your marriage.
To me there is a difference between protecting and controlling.
Controlling would be telling your W she can not have snapchat on her phone
Protecting is processing the emotions and telling her why you would not like her to have snapchat on her phone.
After that the choice is hers and you can only trust her or not

Have y'all had a discussion on how long she was going to give access, etc
I know that's one of the things that happens in my R. Because we didn't really put a "time frame" on it, I just did it whenever I wanted and it became an addiction and she felt like she had zero privacy

[DDJ]

Very nicely said cbtdad - you can only protect your marriage with love. And if you respect, care about and love your W, then you will show it in your actions, regardless of any hurt that you are feeling. Love really conquers all...

If she wants out - let her go. You'll be better for it. If she wants in, then you fight, because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

[Ginger1]

So well said, cbtdad.

This might throw some people for a loop, but I believe good people can make bad mistakes. I am not going to minimize what your W did, Coconut, but she had a 3 week flirtation with a coworker with some kissing. Big mistake, which has some awful trust consequences for you. There are many cheating cheating spouses who aren't such good people, had some pretty serious deceiving affairs and feel no remorse. (like my ex). Then there are some spouses who make a stupid mistake and really regret it and want to save their M. Never even wanted a divorce, never wanted to leave, just messed up big time.

I really think you W may fall in that category. Good person who made a bad mistake. Again, I am not minimizing this.

My point is, say you say you just can't handle this anymore more with her. Are you going to trust the next woman anymore? Are you going to want to affair proof that relationship too? Because I can guarantee any new woman will say "peace out, he says I can't have snap chat? who the F is he?" or " he wants a text everywhere I go?"

I really think this kind of controlling might leak over to the next R.

You said it yourself, you have no doubt she is in it for the long run, so keep reminding yourself of that.

[Rose888]

I agree with cbtdad and Ginger.

The level of control? Oversight? you expect is not typical in a relationship, and if you haven't discussed how long you expect to have this level of control, I can see how she would feel comfortable with how things are going between you and return to a more normal level of sharing.

Disclaimer: I'm not dealing with an A, and neither H or I can unlock each other's phones.

[Coconut]

I agree with you all, and thank you for posting to confirm what I felt was the right way to go. By nature I am not someone who needs to control in R, I've been cheated on before, ended that R and moved on without trying to control the next. My biggest feeling of a need for control now is because of the freshness of the A, and the fact that she is still at the station with OM, but I've seen nothing that indicates they have any communication or are ever alone.

I will continue moving forward, I will continue lessening my verifying, I will continue being the best me... The one thing I will do in the next week or two is make sure that she very clearly understands my boundary of communication with OM and that is a deal breaker for me.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

There is a fine line between boundaries and control. Generally in these early infidelity recovery situations it is the [former] wayward spouse that is the control freak. They want their marriage and life to continue with as few consequences as possible.


When you lock your doors at night are you controlling your wife and family or are you keeping outsiders out?

When you put up a privacy fence are you trying to control what your wife can look at or are you trying to close in your back yard from outsiders peering in and neighbor's dogs dedicating in your yard?

You mentioned the making her quit that job with OM was a likely deal breaker and I agree. It should be a deal breaker for you. If she wants to remain in a relationship with you she must go No Contact otherwise it just leads to this continuing crap. If you guys moved away and OM was complete history and she was at some new job this whole snapchat thing, though annoying, might not be that big a deal. It's hurtful because you know it's the perfect secretive app and she's still around OM and lots of other people that know about her affair. If you don't think the other guys at the firehouse don't think it's open season on your wife (she did it with X, so obviously it's a possibility to expect her to put out for others) then you're nuts.

I really wish you well. I'm not saying this isn't working out or can't work out but your wife is vulnerable right now to OM and all the attention and admiration she's getting with all these men at the firehouse. Recently wayward women think they are hot young cool chicks. You should be putting your foot down a bit about the snapchat. By "foot down" I don't mean give her an ultimatum but rather express that it's hurtful and you have no intention of controlling her but, perhaps, if rebuilding her marriage is a goal of hers doing things that continue to hurt you probably isn't a good idea as if may ultimately lead to you just leaving her or finding someone else yourself.

Saying "no snapchat" might be more on the controlling side but saying "snap chat is hurtful and I'd like it if you removed it from your phone for us".

It could be part of a broader discussion about social media too. Recovering couples need to focus on their relationship and avoid outside intervening and potentially interfering relationships. Stay off Facebook and twitter. Don't go to a bunch of parties and double dates or even relatives houses. Spend as much time alone with your spouse as you can working this out between the two of you and becoming each others favorite persons to spend time with again.

She won't care about snapchat after that.


Also - all these "boundaries" are reciprocal. It's not "control" if you are doing it too.

[DDJ]

Very wise words Georgia. For any relationship.

[Coconut]

This might throw some people for a loop, but I believe good people can make bad mistakes. I am not going to minimize what your W did, Coconut, but she had a 3 week flirtation with a coworker with some kissing. Big mistake, which has some awful trust consequences for you. There are many cheating cheating spouses who aren't such good people, had some pretty serious deceiving affairs and feel no remorse. (like my ex). Then there are some spouses who make a stupid mistake and really regret it and want to save their M. Never even wanted a divorce, never wanted to leave, just messed up big time.

I really think you W may fall in that category. Good person who made a bad mistake. Again, I am not minimizing this.

There is a fine line between boundaries and control. Generally in these early infidelity recovery situations it is the [former] wayward spouse that is the control freak. They want their marriage and life to continue with as few consequences as possible.

You mentioned the making her quit that job with OM was a likely deal breaker and I agree. It should be a deal breaker for you. If she wants to remain in a relationship with you she must go No Contact otherwise it just leads to this continuing crap. If you guys moved away and OM was complete history and she was at some new job this whole snapchat thing, though annoying, might not be that big a deal. It's hurtful because you know it's the perfect secretive app and she's still around OM and lots of other people that know about her affair. If you don't think the other guys at the firehouse don't think it's open season on your wife (she did it with X, so obviously it's a possibility to expect her to put out for others) then you're nuts.

I really wish you well. I'm not saying this isn't working out or can't work out but your wife is vulnerable right now to OM and all the attention and admiration she's getting with all these men at the firehouse. Recently wayward women think they are hot young cool chicks. You should be putting your foot down a bit about the snapchat. By "foot down" I don't mean give her an ultimatum but rather express that it's hurtful and you have no intention of controlling her but, perhaps, if rebuilding her marriage is a goal of hers doing things that continue to hurt you probably isn't a good idea as if may ultimately lead to you just leaving her or finding someone else yourself.

Saying "no snapchat" might be more on the controlling side but saying "snap chat is hurtful and I'd like it if you removed it from your phone for us".

It could be part of a broader discussion about social media too. Recovering couples need to focus on their relationship and avoid outside intervening and potentially interfering relationships. Stay off Facebook and twitter. Don't go to a bunch of parties and double dates or even relatives houses. Spend as much time alone with your spouse as you can working this out between the two of you and becoming each others favorite persons to spend time with again.

She won't care about snapchat after that.


Also - all these "boundaries" are reciprocal. It's not "control" if you are doing it too.

Man I'm struggling... I've got the angel W on my left shoulder that ginger describes, and then the devil herself on my right side that Georgia BD describes. I've had less and less emotional attachment to my W since MC.. I'm so fed up with the fact that she doesn't seem to care if she ever goes NC with OM, and I really feel what GBD said about it should be a deal breaker for me, and for the time being, I definitely feel that I am strong enough to follow through on that right at this moment, I'm just not sure if that's what I truly believe is necessary because I also agree with what ginger said, she's a good person who made a bad mistake.

I am truly struggling with what I want, because her actions with me are everything I could have hoped for, she's engaged with me, initiates conversation and intimacy, texts me jokes and just hellos throughout the day, our R is really good right now. But I still struggle with her social media addiction, her ambivalence to who sees or likes pics and comments on social media, and I'm still unsure if she is truly remorseful of what happened and her comprehension of how much it hurt me and our M.

Like I said, I've been more and more detached since MC, she's noticed and has asked several times if I'm ok.. I'm not acting sad or angry, just indifferent, not my usual jolly self, I've told her that I have a lot of emotions that I'm working through, and I'm not sad or angry, just neutral. I'm done telling her what I want or need, I've told her enough that I don't think she's fully committed to, so I'm not going to keep asking, she needs to figure out what she should do. Also, I definitely feel like she wants to rug sweep, she still gets very defensive when I bring stuff up, even the MC noticed it when I asked W a question in counseling, the MC told her I asked the question very softly and W immediately got defensive.

So I continue on, I'm not gonna give up in a day, cause I know feelings change, but I have decided I am going to start clearing stuff out of the house that we don't use, sell it on Craigslist, and I'm going to start saving some money on the side in case I decide to get a place of my own..

She invited me to go to a get together with her fire class last night at one of their houses, I went, but I found myself really not wanting to go, I had fun, but not because of my wife, I had fun hanging out with her classmates... Pretty sad if you ask me, that I wanted her back so bad, and just a month later I enjoy hanging out with people I don't know more than with her.