Progress is slow but does happen!

[PacLove]

New Thread, old one here:

Wow I think this is now my 4th thread...

Previous one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2685570&page=1

I want to say progress is being made - more on me then on W, I've actually been offline here a few days as I'm focusing more on work and have been busy in the evenings.

I'm turning a different leaf as of this week and want to avoid talking negatively about W, so if you want the history you'll have to go back and read previous threads.

At a high level she moved out in April and I've got primary custody (70%) of D9 in the family home.

Last R talk was early May and was initiated by me, since then I haven't brought it up. Our casual interactions are mostly around finances, or kids. Every now and then she'll complain about work or something and I do my best to validate.

Meanwhile, I've been getting out doing things, exercising, eating and finally starting to be productive at work. The IC I'm seeing weekly has also helped.

My daughter has been my shinning star through all this, she keeps me grounded and puts smiles on my face daily and reminds me of God's presence in our daily lives.

It's W's weekend with D9 which will be tough on me (being Father's day) but I plan on being "around" but busy. W usually stays in guest bedroom on her weekends with D as she doesn't have a permanent place.

Already have plans to be out tonight, tomorrow morning and Sunday morning. Saturday afternoon I'll be busy working on a household project. Saturday night... not sure yet, Sunday night W agreed that I can take D for dinner for Father's day.

[sandi2]

Don't let a calendar dictate when to have your Father's Day. You will get it.
((Paclove))

[PacLove]

So weekend came and went... W was pleasant most of the weekend until she left Sunday night.

We had some casual interactions and discussion (and fell into a trap of very light R talk Saturday night after she brought up Labor day and who's weekend it was. It was clear from this that she's not planning on coming home anytime soon)

In the end I agreed to a family brunch for Father's day, call me weak but then again like DR says in LRT to accept some invitations but not all - I decided to accept this one. I then went about my day on my own, much as I did on Saturday.

I know some may not agree on here, but I think it's in my best interest to keep positive interactions between W and I with healthy boundaries.

There were other things that bothered me over the weekend but I'm not going to vent about it here in the spirit of trying to maintain positive about W.

I'm trying to show some compassion, friendliness and not be a total A$$.

[bigybiz]

You are not weak for accepting a brunch in your honor.

[PacLove]

Trying to keep a positive light on W here but also need some advice:

So dilemma here.. when W is home with D you can tell she is "stressed" out by having to take care of her, feed her, get her to bed etc. She's always felt this way but it's more pronounced now probably do to the sich and her having other things on her mind.

The challenge is, this doesn't make for a very welcoming home to come back to - if she re-lives the stress with D every-time she comes home.

I'm tempted to jump in and help, which I could totally do when I am home on her nights with D. It would relieve some of the stress both on her and D, but am also weary of it being perceived negatively or anti DB. I already do a lot for D but want to maintain some consistency for her, make sure she eats healthy and gets to bed on time.

W has made comments in the past that she feels more like her nights are obligations vs. opportunities to spend time with D.

[qt4x11]

W has made comments in the past that she feels more like her nights are obligations vs. opportunities to spend time with D.

Man that's a horrible attitude to have about her own D. I'm not an expert, but I'd lean towards not helping her out when you are around.

[PacLove]

I have to believe it's just the side-effects of what ever she's going through.

Last night it was W's night with D, I came home ~8 and D was alone in her room, D was reaching out to me, wanted me to stay with her for a while. She had had a fight with W. She's really leaning on me for emotional support and stability, she then came down and had dinner with me and I did most of the night time routine with her while W did her own thing.

She's also been trying to talk to W about getting us back together, so while I may be detaching, D is attaching and pursuing, I plan to discuss this with D as I'm sure that pushes W further away too.

Looking forward to a fun filled weekend with D.

[PacLove]

Some random thoughts and questions tonight... how many of you have told your kids about the A or the possibility of the A? Would you tell them if you got Divorced? or if you knew they were going to meet the AP?

I can't for the life of me see W introducing D to OM without feeling some guilt, off-course if she ever did she'd probably try to sell it as a new R and not the A that broke up the marriage. Perhaps this is one of the things that could help them turn back? facing reality of having to introduce kids to the AP...

[betterm]

hey paclove, like you, i also took some time away from DB forums, you can check my updates over on my thread, but I'm doing really well, given the circumstance. I have not ordered the LRT videos from michele yet, and that's mostly because the last two weeks, I wanted to shift focus from MR stuff, to ME stuff. My last coach call I talked with her about LRT, the LRT letter, and mentioned the videos to her (it was my last call I had paid for at the time.) She said it might be a good idea to order those before scheduling anymore calls, because I've done my job to a T, and the LRT videos do offer some advice that is not mentioned in the book, or by the coaches.

My finances are a little whacky, as I have temporary restraining order on financial assets prior to the D date. But I get paid Friday and I do plan on ordering the training videos over the weekend. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm sorry, I don't have much advice for anything to do with 'kids', as I don't have any, and haven't done much research on the topic. But my gut feeling is that it's a bad idea to out the A to the kids, at least until they are older. It seems to me like it would create un-necessary shame on someone that it already in defensive mode and would cause more friction in general. But like I said, I'm not the expert. If it were me, I would try not to focus on what your W is doing at all, unless it is somehow harmful to your children directly (not emotionally through you).

If you ever do decide to expose the A, it needs to be done with a plan, and very carefully. There is a great book on how to do that, but the mods don't allow that on here I don't think. If you want to do the research, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's an "expose to all" technique, and I think it would work, I wouldn't done it but I've moved on from worrying about 'stopping' my W's actions, or trying to save our M.

I wish I could be of more help, but wanted to swing by and say hi, let you know you're in my thoughts. Keep focusing on you, and try to understand what it is within you that you want for your future. work towards that. I'm sure your coach told you, with every decision you make, does this bring me closer, or further away from my goal? This is sitch dependent, and only you can know the true answer, we are just here to support you no matter what.

[PacLove]

Hi Betterm thanks for the reply.

Random thoughts on a Friday night after a stiff drink ;-) I want to shield my D from the pain of the A for now.

Had a great weekend of Me and GAL, got lots of stuff done around the house and spent some great quality time with D.

Monday W needed to take care of D and D invited her to stay for dinner to which she accepted. Had some nice chats and caught up a bit she seemed reluctant to leave after dinner but did anyways. My approach now is very much around having boundaries but also being polite, friendly and open to her. I think she was impressed by all the work I did on the weekend and mentioned it to me twice.

Something I have been pondering though is I know my wife's Love Languages from an exercise we did a few years back (Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation) the later is easy through validation but she scores really high on Acts of Service which is more or less anti DB.

I'm probably going to get pounced on this in the forum but I'm leaning more to doing random acts of kindness, she's been positively receptive to the small things I've done since Separation. It's one thing I need to do to improve myself anyways, and most of it will be things around the house or with the family assets (house, cars, investments).