Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

I hear that it's time to start a new thread!. Again. Still here, and still working on things.

My last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2682757&page=1

My much earlier thread with a summary, in case anyone is really bored:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672335#Post2672335

__________________________

Thank you for checking in on me Painter and SH. I've never hear the term "blue hour," but I love it and I love that time of day, too.

[Phoebe]

Today I spent the day at home or close by, and I was pretty darn productive. With some help from my father I got my riding mower deck rebuilt and put back on the lawn tractor (It's pretty bulky for one person to do themselves). While we were out working on that, the guy who has been doing scrap metal clean-up stopped by and helped us, too.

My Dad may not be particularly empathetic, and may say some things that make me shake my head, but he's always been there for me, and has helped and supported me so much over the years. He's a huge reason that I am who I am - he never told me that I couldn't do whatever I set my mind to and never treated me like a "girl." He taught me to run power tools and to swing a hammer and drive large equipment and to be confident that I could handle almost any projects myself, be it mechanical, electrical, plumbing, or tiling.

The scrap guy is super nice and helpful, too, and I always like seeing him. He helped me and my dad get the brush hog all put back together, so my tractor is now fully functional again. YEAH!! I talked to him for quite a while after my father took off.

I spent the evening putting my riding mower to work by mowing a walking path through my fields. By this time of year the grass can be shoulder high in some places, so now I don't have to wade through the grass anymore. It's really nice to have my equipment up and running again! Now all I'm missing is the push mower I blew up!

So, it was a pretty good day in my world. I did spend a fair amount of time doing legal stuff, and I have a lot more to work on tomorrow, but things are progressing slowly. I STILL have yet to be served with papers from H. It's insane. These process servers are remarkably incompetent (probably because they are underpaid), considering I was home most of the day.

SparrowHawk, the SledgeHammer, thank you for your long post yesterday. We were typing at the same time again, and I didn't see it for a while.

I agree that acceptance is the only way to move forward, and most days I do think that I am making progress on this front. It remains a two step forward, one step back process sometimes, though. Some days the feelings of confusion and wanting to wake up from the bad dream just sneak back in, though it happens less frequently than it used to, by a lot. I just acknowledge them, like I do my other feelings and emotions, and try to get through it.

Sunday was just a tough day. Bad news in the world, tough love from family and friends, and the weekend sadness. Feeling better today though. It was an absolutely beautiful day, and I got to spend most of it outside. My land is so beautiful and I am so lucky to be here and be able to enjoy it.

I wish that I had one friend that would come and enjoy it as much as I do. So far, everyone seems to enjoy it most from standing in the mowed yard, rather than out walking the fields and woods with me. Granted, most of my previous friends and my family are a good bit older than me or their health/condition precludes their traipsing over hill and dale with me, but I really miss having someone to share it with. My new, physically active friends are city folk, and don't seem interested in making the drive out here. I need to find someone willing to leave the city on occasion who also likes to walk, or hike, or snowshoe, or ski. Maybe my new hiking friend would like to come out and bird with me?

I really like the quotes you shared, SH, and I particularly like the Tupac quote! It is time to move the f*ck on.

I hope that everyone gets a good night's sleep.

[Painter]

I love your description of your day, Phoebe, it was just like being there.

Can you take some of your less active companions out on the tractor? Or get a used electric golf cart?

How about you throw a little party with the city friends to get them out there? A weekend thing so they can camp out?

I can relate to the two step forward, one step back feeling. Right now, I feel like I backslid to the beginning of the whole path, but hopefully it will be helpful to know the road ahead.

[Phoebe]

Painter, you're doing great. There is no way you're back to the beginning. You're just having a flashback to what those days felt like. You've come so far since the bad old days, and you are a different person now - stronger, more independent, and more resilient. Tomorrow is a new day. Make it a better one by focusing on the present.

(((Painter)))

[Phoebe]

So, I had a crummy dream this morning, which equaled the end of a pleasant, but partial night's sleep.

I dreamt that I was back with H and everything seemed so comfortable and normal and good. We were in a different house somewhere, and I went out into a fenced in yard to explore the new place. When I went to go back inside, the door was locked, and H was gone again. I was pounding on the door, calling his name, and I was locked in the yard, alone and abandoned all over again.

I don't usually remember my dreams, and I wish I didn't remember this one. Yuck.

[Painter]

I hate those dreams. Especially when they're really vivid like that. I hope it fades quickly.

[Phoebe]

So I'm having a difficult day again, maybe because I started the day with that awful dream, maybe because I just started working on my financial documentation form for my L. What a nightmare that form is, and I don't even have much of the information it asks for - H does. It all seems so real and final.

Anyway, I just texted my therapist asking if he has any more time this week to see me, and I texted my L/biking friend to see if he would like to go biking, so I'm trying to get myself into a better place, but I here come the damn tears again. I'm a human watering can.

I'm going to go outside and see if I can scare up any project to work on to get myself distracted. Or maybe I'll just sit and watch the chickens going about their free-ranging business. Working on the paperwork is definitely making things more difficult today, and I've barely even touched it.

Last night I was reading a book from my therapist, and that also has me reminded that I need to deal with all of the grief and pain, and that distractions don't take away the underlying issues. There is a whole book out there that's been written about sudden spousal abandonment syndrome. thinking that you had a good marriage and then having that person walk away one night with no warning whatsoever really messes with a person's mind. There's no way to prepare. At all.

I am not ruminating, I'm just emotional and sad and lonely and missing my best friend. Last week I was over scheduled, and this week I am seemingly under scheduled. I rescheduled my grief counselor session tomorrow because I knew I wasn't up to the task.

And, thanks to the modern miracle of the text message, I am biking tonight and seeing my therapist tomorrow. Every single day I do what i can to try to help myself, and yet I still have these days where I feel like I am barely staying afloat. Most people comment that I'm seeming better and laughing and smiling more, but I still have these days...

[Jzmill]

Phoebe, sorry to hear that you are having a difficult day. Sometimes we need those teary moments and to have down days. I was a human watering can myself last night.

When you describe your time on the farm I want to transport myself to you and come help out. That is good that going for a ride tonight, should be decent weather for your.

[Phoebe]

Thanks, Jzmill. I'm sorry that you also suffer from the human watering can syndrome. I wish that it was a disease with known incubation, acute phase, and recovery times. Wouldn't it be nice to know that by, say 41 weeks, or whatever, we could expect to be feeling _________?

I know that there is no schedule, but I'd love to begin the convalescent phase.

And preferably I'd like some future immunity. LOL.

I let myself feel the emotions whenever I can, and it helps them to pass more quickly. Still reaching out in whatever ways I can, hence the biking and therapist texts.

So I had a bit of a distraction here on the farm. I was out doing a bit of yard work and I realized that I was hearing a young bird (a grackle nestlig), so I set up a ladder and put it back in its nest. Then I realized it was absolutely crawling with bird mites. And so was I! I was putting the ladder away when I hear a soft thump. Baby has just thrown itself out of the nest. Again! Now I know the mites are a problem for this nest, and parents can even abandon a badly infested nest. This nestling may be messed up for good by its two drops to the ground, but its two siblings still looked good, so i felt like I had to intervene in some way.

I gently sprinkled diatomaceous earth all around the nest and the beams it was sitting on, then put a tiny puff toward the babies, and then I ran AWAY!! And I took a hot shower. Nothing to make your skin crawl like seeing lots and lots of tiny living specks moving around on it. Yuck. Imagine how it is for the poor babies? Fingers crossed of these little ones.

[Jzmill]

I too think it would be nice to know when to expect to feel____. And you certainly should get immunity. I had been hesitant to feel emotions but as you said just feel them and let pass.

I have been having tough time with this process so Distractions are good; that was kind what you did for birds and hope it works out for them as well. I am sure it will. Hope you have good sleep tonight.

[Phoebe]

So I was outside and heard the same baby bird sound again. On the ground. Again. These babies just want to die!!? I have 4 outdoor-only farm cats.

So now I have removed art three babies from the mite-infested nest, treated them with fipronil, and installed them into a clean surrogate nest (made from my egg basket lined with straw and shavings and dry grass) about 18 inches away from the original nest. AND I fed all three babies dinner while standing on the ladder.

A friend of mine says that I find more drama in nature than anyone he knows. This year I agree with his assessment. This is the second nest I've restocked, and I've moved multiple fledglings out of harm's way already.

Just about to go biking and just waiting for my biking friend to arrive.

[JksD]

Phoebe, your friend is wrong. You find joy in nature, not drama. And you help us see the beauty in nature through your posts too.

[SH_]

I must come see this land of yours.
The details that you share really make me want to get out of this hot dirty city and enjoy the nature I grew up in.

You are doing well in spite of the water works. I want to have more time to respond and chat with you, but it has been super busy.

Sleep well my dear friend Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Good news for anyone following the baby bird saga: I spotted the parents leaving the surrogate nest twice while I was out taking care of my chickens. Each time I was alerted to look over by the sound of hungry babies.

More later, but I just wanted to share a little bright spot! Hope you're all having a lovely day.

[BluWave]

I must come see this land of yours.
The details that you share really make me want to get out of this hot dirty city and enjoy the nature I grew up in.

You are doing well in spite of the water works. I want to have more time to respond and chat with you, but it has been super busy.

Sleep well my dear friend Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

If SH is coming for a visit, I want to visit too. We can take walks, play with chicks, and NOT talk about waywards. :-)

-Blu

[Jzmill]

Glad to hear about the birds. It is nice to put focus on something so simple. I want to come visit as well.

[JksD]

Phoebe, maybe you can start a bed and breakfast for dbers. Sounds like you've got a good base of clientele.

[Phoebe]

Well, I'd love to have every one of you here! You would be most welcome.

Once again, I am feeling so very lucky to have my farm tonight. I got back here around 10:30 after my evening with my mom, and then I walked all over my fields. I sat on a rise where a deer had bedded down recently and enjoyed the warm breeze, I was practically intoxicated by the smell of sweetgrass in the fields,and mesmerized by thousands of fireflies. Just for an extra little gift, I saw a beautiful little skunk (within about 10 feet of me!) as I strolled my mowed paths. He headed back into the understory when he saw me.

After my walkabout I came back to my yard and lay down on my outdoor glider and enjoyed the peaceful evening and some bonding time with one of my cat friends. He decided he wanted to sleep on my chest for the first time. Mind you, this guy was too skittish to even let me near him for over a year! Such a lovely creature. I'm still outside now and it's almost midnight. It's too nice to be indoors.

It's been a good day overall. I had a really good session with my therapist, and he sent me home with yet more reading. i told him about my dream and he smiled and said one certainly didn't need to be Freud to be able to interpret that one!

I went hiking afterward, which was wonderful, though it was warm to be hiking in jeans, then I spent the whole evening with my mom, who is sweet and funny, before coming back here to my farm.

Feeling very grateful. Time for my evening commute to my sleeping quarters. I wish everyone a good sleep and gentle dreams.

[SH_]

It is so good to hear of your peaceful day.

((((phoebe))))

[Phoebe]

I had a busy day on the farm today and I am one tired puppy. I worked today mowing paths in my fields with a riding mower from 3-8:30. The paths make it so I can walk around because the grass is head high in a lot of places now. I know that doesn't sound like work, but just staying on board while that mower bounces all over the place (the ground is dry and hard as a rock right now) takes effort! Plus I ran out of gas more than once, and each time was about a 1/2 mile walk round trip. Then I got the silly mower stuck at the end of the day, so more walking to go collect the real tractor and eating humble pie when I called in my dad to help by driving said tractor while I drove the mower.

I didn't get a chance to eat more than a couple granola bars between breakfast and dinner at 11 pm. i don't know why food is still such a chore, but if I'm off my game for a couple days and slack in my efforts to push food, like today, I lose a bit more weight. I am still so rarely hungry, and I forget to eat when I'm busy. Bottom line: I'm down a bit more again. Drat.

This morning I tried to work on a list of monthly expenses and a net worth statement for my L, and that was remarkably unpleasant. I'm not even close to finished and I just gave up for the day. It made me feel bad to have to go searching for all that information, especially when I don't have a lot of it. H does.

Not much else going on today, except that I got a notice in my mailbox that I have certified mail at the PO that I'll have to sign for. D papers, I assume, so I didn't bother to go get them. I just don't feel very motivated to assist the process servers. Maybe Monday. I wonder why they haven't been able to serve me in person when I'm at my house every single day. It'll be three weeks tomorrow since they left first tipped their hand and left a card on my door. H must not be paying very much to these folks.

I'm off to my sleeping quarters. Good night!

[Painter]

Phoebe, I hope you are sleeping soundly after all the hard work!

I saw this picture on FB that I wanted to tell you about - someone hung feather dusters in the boxes for their 2 day old chicks and they all snuggled in them. I thought it was a brilliant idea.

I'm dreading sleep... lots of very vivid and painful dreams for the last several nights. Meditation before bed seems to make it worse! Very typical of me to have a backwards reaction... it's what I do.

[Phoebe]

I'm still traumatized by the dream I had days ago, so I can totally understand your dread, Painter.

I don't know why, but tonight I ate more than a pint of ice cream, so that meant sleep was a nonstarter for some time afterward. Duh. I think I just wanted to get in a massive block of calories, even if they were empty. Regardless of motivation, here I am, awake after 3 am again, though I really am tired. I was just hoping to avoid the GERD issue of eating that much fat right before bedtime.

I hope that you have dreamless sleep tonight, Miss Paint. You deserve a break.

[Phoebe]

I think I'm finally getting the sleeping thing under control. I fall asleep well now and have only taken Benadryl once in the last couple weeks. I'm still waking a bit too early, so not getting my dual 8 hours, but Minot complaining. Ivan work with this by going to bed earluer. Yeah!

[Painter]

Glad you fell back asleep again! Did okay here, too, didn't wake up and got about 7 hours total, I think.

[J5K]

Phoebe,

I am glad you are sleeping better! Hope you have a great day!

[Phoebe]

Oh my goodness. I just read my last post - it's like a comedy routine! When I post from my phone I am at the mercy of the autocorrect on this page, and the result is hilarious!

"dual 8 hours" was supposed to be usual 8 hours. "Minot" = I'm not, and "Ivan," besides being my Russian friend, should be I can.

Autocorrect = a typo-to-gibberish translation program. It always makes me laugh... and look illiterate!

So this morning the process server showed up at my night-time sleeping quarters, but I was still asleep. I came outside and my parents said I woke up 30 seconds too late. I was confused, and asked "for what?" I find the whole thing kind of amusing. They're finally getting warm after a full three weeks. Maybe by next week they will actually find me. I could call them back and put them out of their misery, but it's just so darn amusing at this point.

Beyond that, it's a pretty quiet and overly warm day today. The chicks are raising a ruckus in their brooder box as I type, dust bathing and scratching around. They're funny little things. I let my hens out to range around and scratch and bathe in the real dirt.

The muscles up and down my whole back are tender today from all the mowing on rough ground yesterday, so now I'm convinced that it really WAS significant work! Who knew?

Is it normal to look forward to seeing your therapist as much as I do? I feel like he's the only person that I can be fully candid with about what's going on and my feelings about it. My new friends don't need to hear too much about my issues, my father is sick of it all and totally out of empathy, and my Mom may get there at some point, too. The friends I had before all of this, I leaned on so heavily in the beginning that I'm afraid to wear out my welcome there, too.

So my therapist and this group have become important lifelines. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to keep up with me and share your kindness. Know that it has made a difference for me.

[SH_]

You keep on making those process servers earn their money. LOL

Don't forget to keep practicing your acceptance speech for when they do get the pleasure of looking you in the eye as they hand the papers to you.

And don't forget to the growl.

Even better try and video it. The look on their face would be priceless and give you something to chuckle at later on.

So, when are you opening a Bed and Breakfast at your place so we can all come visit and enjoy neature with you?

[Phoebe]

SH, my semi-bed and semi-breakfast is open right now for anyone that wants to check it out. Breakfast is self-serve, and probably consists entirely of eggs!!! You can have them poached, boiled, scrambled, fried, coddled, deviled, shirred, frittata'ed, quich'ed...

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, and eggs.

I'm kidding around, but I am serious as a heart attack that you would be welcome.

I was thinking about the server growl just today! Thank you for the reminder. I'd probably just start laughing, though.

Off to find something positive to work on. Can't decide if that means actual work or social interaction. I did spend a bunch of time with my Mom already today, picking up some furniture she bought, having lunch, and then hauling said furniture upstairs to its destination. That was a challenge. I carried the furniture out to the truck with the seller and that was easy. With my Mom - not so much! It's funny how much harder it is to do a job with a person that does not anticipate what needs to be done.

My H was like that. I was reading about people-pleasers, and the book said that they would stand there and wait for directions at every turn, rather than risk displeasing anyone. Ding, Ding, Ding!!! We have a winner.

My mom is not a people-pleaser, she's just not very practiced at moving furniture.

[Painter]

Phoebe, I hope you're having some nice social interaction.

It sounds like you are staying super busy, and that's a good thing. I can tell I have a little too much time to think without the job that I have to go to, but I'm still glad I quit.

I'm really impressed with how you keep on going and doing so much, it takes a lot of self-discipline and energy to not just sit down and mope when you have a choice.

[Phoebe]

Well, don't be too impressed, Painter. I didn't end up doing anything. I went outside to play with my chickens, crashed in my glider and talked to my L friend on the phone for a little bit.

Then I decided I needed a haircut, drove 40 minutes to the salon and didn't actually get my hair cut after all! The only person cutting was one who has given me a couple so-so haircuts in the past, so I just decided to just leave. It was a total wasted trip. Now I'm just sitting in a fast food parking lot after eating some marginal food and looking at the Newcomers forum. Almost wish I hadn't bothered to eat. I ate too much, now feel yucky, and I don't need that kind of negative association with food. Eating is enough of a chore already.

It's not been a very productive evening, but it was an OK day overall. I think I'm going home to do some nighttime field walking. Way better than sitting in this silly parking lot! What was I thinking???

[Painter]

Well, not every day can be productive! You've certainly done enough for a small army lately.

I got my hair cut at a local beauty school earlier in the week. It was free and I've had to re-trim my bangs a little... but for the most part it looked good. The advantage with hair is that it grows back out!

If you find yourself in a parking lot and bored, you can search for reflexology odana on the biggest social media platform out there. There's lots of interesting info about how it can help with stress and anxiety - and a very funny picture of Mona Lisa!

Have you given any more thought to your long road trip?

[Phoebe]

Well, I just realized that today is 6 months to the day since WH disappeared without a word. What a cowardly, disrespectful, cruel (fill in whatever adjective comes to mind) thing to do.

Anyway, Happy Damn Anniversary. Again. 6 months ago, tonight, I was shell-shocked when I realized H wasn't coming home (on the night before our real anniversary). I was shaking like a leaf, having constant palpitations, in a literal panic, and I didn't tell anyone until the following day. It was the worst night of my life and I was completely alone.

In hindsight, there was not one thing that I could have done to deserve that. I know so much more now that I did that night, about the secret life, the PA, the drugs, the massive web of deceit that had started at least 2 1/2 years earlier, but then I knew nothing. It brought me to my knees. Literally. I spent the next 3 months thinking he'd be back and blaming myself and searching for any explanation, then another month pondering his PA and how I could learn to forgive him, and then there came the day he told me he had nothing left to say to me, and I gave up most of my hope. Three weeks ago he let loose the coup de grace, initiating a D without a word.

My therapist says his behavior has been despicable. I'm inclined to agree.

Anyway, just an anniversary-induced recap to help me tap into a little bit of the ol' anger thing that my T says I need to access more often. Sometimes it feels like it was just a few days ago that H abdicated, and then other times it feels like it's been forever. Some days felt like weeks. I wasn't sure how I was even going to survive the first week, and on day 6, which happened to be Christmas Eve, I ended up in Urgent Care, just asking for any kind of help because I was struggling so much.

For a long time, I just focused on making it through an hour, or on finishing some project that would keep me distracted from the pain for a little while.

Now I'm better. Most days are OK and some are genuinely good. Once a week or so I ride the roller coaster back down for a while, but I know that things will improve. I ride the good coaster days for all they're worth.

H is gone, and I am left to go on with my life. I've started to be able to imagine inklings of what that might look like, or what it might include.

Today I've been thinking about what kind of person I'd consider sharing that life with. It won't be for a long time, but at least I can now think about what I might look for in another partner for a little while without feeling nauseous. That's progress.

I read an article in the New York Times about professional cuddlers today. It reminded me that I have barely been touched by anyone in over 6 months, beyond quick hugs. It's just not enough, and I am feeling the loss more every day. I really could use a long, tight, non-awkward hug. I wish my therapist hugged me like my grief counselor does, but he just shakes my hand when I leave.

So few people are willing (or able?) to give real hugs, but I did get a nice one from my lawn care guy again this week. Is it sad that I accept every hug that I'm offered and wish for more of the good ones?

So, I guess I should hit the hay. Time to make my big commute. Good night and sweet or no dreams, depending on your preference!

[Phoebe]

Unfortunately, the road trip is way up in the air, given the legal mess at the moment.

I need to figure out where it's all going and on what kind of schedule. Also, our accounts are now under a legal financial order of protection. No unusual expenses allowed, and I don't know where travel falls with regards to that order. I have to talk to my out of state lawyer about it, as it's a rule in that state, but not in mine.

[Phoebe]

Well, I just lost my whole post again. Bummerific!

I was just saying in a lot more words that my efforts to tap into my anger fell flat again. I guess I'm just not cut out to be an angry person, and I don't want to be one, anyway. If I miss out on some mobilization because I can't tap my white anger for any sustained period of time, then so be it.

Maybe it's because there's been complete NC for weeks now? I know I got angry with H last time I saw him, so maybe that's the real reason? Who knows.

Yesterday's journal post: (for some reason I couldn't log on the the site all day yesterday.)

It's been a good, though quiet, day. I made a cake for my dad for Fathers Day and had dinner with my parents to celebrate. I did a little bit of maintenance on my tractor, just checking oil and hydraulic fluids, coolant, cleaning radiator and a/c screen, etc. so that I can use it without worry again. Basically a pre-flight check.

My neighbor came over while I was hanging outside in my glider, and so we sat out and talked for a while. I've been sleeping pretty well, finally!!!

Today: I'm feeling pretty darn good today. I just saw my therapist and I didn't even come close to crying! Yeah.

It's a really hot day, so I may not do any walking with my neighbor. I already decided to skip my usual post-therapy hike. It's the kind of day when it's good to lay low indoors with air conditioning.

[Painter]

Phoebe, it sounds like you are looking forward in glimpses and having some good days! Better sleep is a big part of that, I feel.

I couldn't get in here yesterday, either, so it must have been a site issue.

I can relate to your inability to hold on to anger. I have about 2 days of anger in me before it deflates like a balloon and I'm back in the why?? how could he?? how can this be happening?? sad, confused and tearful mode. I'm not a delicate little flower and can be firm and decisive about stuff, but H has some kind of hold on a soft spot in me.

And I have experienced the same nausea when I think about dating! I have a couple of friends who have been pushing me and I try to tell them it's not the way to move forward - at least not for me. One of them was particularly insistent a couple of days ago, and she was widowed at a young age so I finally asked her how she would have felt if someone had told her to 'move on and start dating' 3 weeks after her H's death (not in such direct words but she got what I meant). She said she was mostly angry at WH for making me hurt so much and wanted it to stop, so I told her to go key their cars instead... She lives right up the road from us (H and OW now).

It's good that you have your parents there. Support from family is so very helpful. It's also helpful that it is summer and nature is so beautiful right now! I walk the dog several times a day and always enjoy the gardens and little animals we encounter. The smell of cut grass and the sound of the blackbird at dusk is so soothing for the soul. They don't sing where I lived with H, but they did in the spring and early summer in my home country, so I love my evening walk to get to listen to them - it takes me back home.

[Phoebe]

Ok, so I feel like I've come to depend on this site for support and I haven't been able to log in since my last post. Yikes!!! Withdrawal symptoms.

I was just checking to see if I could look at the site today. No time to either read or really post, but I'm happy to be back!

Hello to everyone and I hope you are all doing OK.

Where is SH?????

[SH_]

I'm still here.
The site has been having many issues since Sunday it seems as in my attempts to get on over the past several days have been unsuccessful.

You sound to be doing well and this brings me joy. You really are making good progress.

I am still in a funky mood of late. I am staying busy. Focused on my little girls, work, the day to day stuff.
I feel to be cheerful, but have the hollow feeling and it has and edge of anger that seems to boil up on occasion when a conversation about or a thought about WAW comes up. Also I have heard no word about the D that was supposedly filed on April 29th. I guess I should call my L, but just have not felt the need to disrupt my day to day happiness.

But I am still here, just more observing than engaging. Many LBS struggling to take Db advice, and so many new ones showing up. And many others disappearing in what seems a state of despair. Sad to observe, and I feel helpless with some advice, because I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Not feeling depressed nor anxious, but not feeling much hope or dreams for the future.
Almost just simply existing right now.

Anyway, did not mean to get off on a tangent, I simply wanted to let you know I am still here, still looking out for you and still sharing cyberspace hugs with you.

(((phoebe)))

[Phoebe]

So it's been a tough day and a half for me. It started last night when I was getting ready to do my final grief recovery homework assignment. I started looking around my house and came across H's pathetic little stash of Christmas gifts for me. They were just 3 tiny things that he picked up in an airport. It shouldn't have surprised me at all, as he had totally checked out already, but the lack of any effort or real thought on his part made me angry.

After that, I struggled to do my homework and found it to be really difficult. It was a letter of undelivered communications to H, including apologies, things I forgive him for, and significant emotional statements (like thank yous and the opposite). H will never get this letter, in fact it will never be shared with anyone except my witness.

My counselor (and my workbook) talked to me last week about forgiveness being an action, not a feeling. Too often people conflate forgiving with condoning. Forgiving means no longer allowing my memories to cause me anger or pain because that is what I need to do for myself. It does not mean that I hold H blameless or sanction anything he has done. Nothing he has done is OK, but as long as I let it continue to hurt me I can never be free.

Basically the letter is for me to share my undelivered communications to an invisible H, and ended with me stating that I need to let go of the memories so that they can no longer hurt me. The letter ends with "I need to go now and let go of the pain. Goodbye H."

I finished writing it after 1 am and then I slept really poorly - lots and lots of different dreams about H, so I was tired when I woke up. The last thing I had to do was read my letter aloud with my counselor as a witness at today's visit, and that was also difficult. Yes, I cried. But then I also got a very long hug and calmed down and felt better.

Forgiveness is letting go of the past for myself. It's an action. It's a plan for my future. It's something that I need to work toward every single day. It doesn't just happen because I said the words. That's just not realistic. What's important is that I understand and agree that it is not about H at all and never will be. He will never hear that I have forgiven anything. It's about me and how I choose to go forward and live my life. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself.

That was my final official grief counseling session. From here on out, my task is to go through the same process with any other relationships in my life which remain incomplete. The hallmark of an incomplete relationship is that thinking about it still brings pain or discomfort, no matter how many years have passed. I have quite a few of them. Then I write letters and read them aloud with my witness. I didn't have done miracle cure for my grief with this plan. It is a tool that I learned and one that I can apply to any other relationships in my life. It's a new way of thinking about my past and the pain that lies buried there.


With the rest of my day I went shopping, my first semi-retail therapy since this whole mess began. Really it's just stuff I delayed buying over the last few months because I didn't want to look like a financial burden to H. Now that R is pretty much off the table, I just said f*ck it. I've put off these things and it's time to get them now. I got my eyes examined and bought my first new glasses in a few years. Then I went to a wholesale club and got myself resupplied with all the glamorous basics like paper towels, detergent, TP, dish detergent, toothpaste, etc. that I haven't stocked up on since walk-away.

Lamest retail therapy, ever, right? I'm too pragmatic to blow money on foolish stuff, but it felt good to get the basics covered for a while. I also bought new trail runners yesterday because I've worn the tread off my current pair, and I still need to replace my daily wearer shoes. It seems like a lot all at once, but if I had bought it as I went along I'd still be a pretty cheap spouse.

Anyway, I'm hoping for a better and dreamless sleep tonight.

Tomorrow's plans: ice skating, then my 6 month dental cleaning. My last visit was while H was missing those first 6 days. I kept it to myself but they guessed something was wrong and got a bit out of my mother at her appointment.. They're going to freak out at the wright loss. Sigh. Tomorrow evening is my weekly social evening/ Weight Watchers meeting with my Mom. Friday I walk my property lines with a hunter who I allow to use my land, and then I'm meeting my L friend for s bike ride and probably dinner. Saturday is a pool party! Crazy, silly busy week.

I hope that all my friends here are doing well. I hope for a dreamless sleep tonight and wish the same for everyone here.

[Painter]

That's a lot of emotional work, Phoebe. I hope you are so tired that you'll sleep heavily.

The process you're going through sounds very interesting. And demanding. I am also addressing many old relationships in the ACA process - at least that's my intention - to look at patterns.

Retail therapy is nice even if it's nothing special, I got some very mundane stuff today and it still cheered me up - environmentally friendly bathroom cleaner and a jute sponge... and a new dog food - very exciting!

Don't worry about what the dentist thinks - it's none of their business, is it?

[Phoebe]

The grief recovery counseling really was/is emotionally demanding, but I feel like I learned a lot and it was absolutely worthwhile to me. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Today was a really good day. Ice skating was fun and I'm remembering my muscle memory a little more each time. I'm back to being able to cross over, as long as I do it carefully. I haven't fallen since my first day. Hopefully I'll be back soon to the point where crossing over is nothing and I can do it equally well while skating forward or backward. For now I'm just going really slowly. My friend showed up partway through, so I had a good time talking to her, both while skating and then for a while afterward.

My dentist is wonderful, so the visit was good. He already knew what happened with H and he gave me a pep talk filled with all kinds of kindness, told me how glad he was to know me and even said he loved me and admired me. I think perhaps I am a bit like a daughter to him, as he has three girls. He takes care of my whole family and I've been going to him for at least 15 years. We've shared building stories over the years, and I advise him in his dog. It's really nice to know that so many people really do care about me.

After all the nice words and encouragement, he stopped, looked me in the eyes, and told me I needed to start eating because I am as skinny as a rail. : )

I knew that was coming!!! I'm used to looking at myself at this weight now, but he hasn't seen me in 6 months, so I could tell he was taken aback.

I have completely embraced my weight loss now. I'm mostly stable, and it is really fun to go to thrift stores these days. Tonight was my WW meeting and social with my Mom and we hit the Salvation Army where I found a bunch of great things today. I was thrilled. So many times I come out of there with nothing. I got three pair of Gap jeans that fit wonderfully and are in awesome shape for 3 bucks each (1/2 price tag)! I got a few shirts, some shorts, and a denim jacket and Amercan Eagle zippered hoodie that were also 1/2 price, AND I had a coupon to save $7 if I spent $25. Between my mom and I, we used two coupons. It was super fun and I'm all excited to have gotten so much for so little. I'm a huge fan of cheapie thrift shopping.

I really enjoy my Thursdays with my Mom. I think it's good for both of us and it's been our weekly thing for nearly 3 years now.

So a good day, and as I told my therapist on Monday, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. Other people are noticing it, too. My dentist said that I am blossoming, which was sweet, but I keep hearing from people that I seem a lot better to them. I am.

The roller coaster is always rolling, and I know there will be more tough days ahead, but I in a healing and happy stretch of the ride right now.

I hope that everyone has had a healing day, too.

[Phoebe]

SH, I am so glad to see your post! I missed it until just now, so we must have both been typing at the same time again yesterday. The site has definitely been having issues.

I am sorry that you are still feeling off right now, and I want you to know that I am still here for you every step of the way. Try not to overthink your feelings too much. You have been through something incredibly traumatic, it is still ongoing, and whatever you are feeling is absolutely normal. I really do hope that you either keep seeing your therapist or find yourself another one who can be of more use to you.

Perhaps you might want to think about grief counseling for yourself. I think that it has helped me a great deal and that I have benefitted a great deal by learning this new set of tools. Look up the grief recovery method and you will come to a link for finding local support. My seven sessions only cost $250, and it was worth every penny and a whole lot more. the price varies by location, but I honestly think that so many people here could benefit from it. Think about it, SparrowHawk. I'm feeling a bit worried about you. It sounds like you really do need a break from going through the motions. I hear that Phoebe's semi-B&B is welcoming guests.

I'm all over the place these days - up, down and sideways, but now I know it's all normal for me, and I will get through it. That is empowering.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

Your support means so much to me. I apologize I have been a bit withdrawn. I am trying to find myself within, and falling into the old habit of hiding within and avoiding the things that can help me. I put my energy into others such as my daughters and people I work with and my friend who is having challenges of his own with his WW.

I know I need to focus on me, but I don't want to feel the pain. Or maybe it is that I fear that I don't have the feelings I should. Not sure. Feelings have been such a confusing thing for me my whole life. I feel like I am in constant turmoil within, but I am accused of showing no emotion.

I feel loss right now, but I don't want WAW back. The anger has started to swell this week to the point I find myself muttering to myself about it. My D17 has noticed it, as it seems to come on absent mindedly.

I probably do need an IC. I am just not sure if that works because I don't trust myself to open up honestly. Don't get me wrong, I try to, but I am so easily distracted in conversations I tend to go down the path of least resistance and solve the easy issues.
Leaving the issue I had a question about.
Why have I come to the state of calm so quickly?
Have I truly accepted what has happened?

My mind fights with itself until I force it to quiet down by looking to the simple problems to solve.
Grrrr.....

I don't want to waste my life struggling within.
I want to enjoy life with family, friends, personal growth, and service to others.

This is my personal struggle each day of late.

[SH_]

Enough about me, this is your thread, and I want to tell you how proud I am to read of your daily progress.

It is amazing to read the efforts you continue to put in no matter what struggle presents itself.

You are an amazing woman with amazing inner strength handling an extraordinary situation.

(((Phoebe)))

Ps I must find a way to get to your neck of the woods and experience your semi open B&B.

[Painter]

SH - that's what an IC will help you with... a good counselor will guide you to the important questions. It's interesting what you share about how you handle difficult emotions - it sounds like how I perceive H.

[Phoebe]

Hello to Miss Painter! I'm hoping that your stretch of geed days is still in effect. You, my dear, so deserve a break. Be well, my friend.

SH, I am very happy to hear from you and please feel free to say anything you want to on my thread. Whatever works for you works for me. I'm just glad to see you here.

Thank you for the kind words and praise. It means a great deal to me. I still feel like I'm just muddling through, but lately it's been easier.

SparrowHawk, again, try not to overthink the way you feel, wondering if you are too much of this or too little of that - too angry, not angry enough, too numb, too feeling, too detached, not detached enough. You feel the way you feel, and whatever that is at any moment is expected, normal, and appropriate. You are going to swing between all of the emotions, sometimes cycling rapidly.

One thing that you need to be very careful about, however is the urge to bury these feelings. You said that you don't want to feel the pain, that you feel inner turmoil whereas you have been accused of not showing emotions. That pain and those emotions you may be avoiding are still inside you, whether you allow yourself to feel them or not. Pushing them down will hurt you and lead to them hitting you even harder when they do bubble up. Think of the tsunami vs. the ripples in a pond. That tsunami is a killer, but you can keep standing as the ripples pass by. Alternatively, consider a dam in the face of flooding - it's better to open the flood gates for a while than to try to hold it all back and risk catastrophe.

We both know what the tsunami feels like. I think that it is made much worse by bottling up the way we feel, thinking that we need to be strong and stay under control, or simply just because we are trying to avoid dealing with what is happening inside, or denying it altogether. It just doesn't work. We need to feel our way through this, one small little step at a time.

The only way out is through.

We can choose to work our way through a little bit every day, or we can just jump in and fight our way to the light in a rush, but what we cannot do, if we want to emerge from this, is to just sit tight and hope that the exit will present itself to us while we're standing still.

It's time for me to drop a challenge on you, SledgeHammer: get back in the water and start swimming. Don't worry about your form, that you're not doing it quite right. Just keep swimming. Let yourself feel even the small ripples as they come. Start working your way through this hell, because I want you to emerge from this a whole and connected person. You deserve to come out of this intact, connected to your past and your future, and able to enjoy every minute of the present. You deserve to grow.

What does that look like? For one, find a therapist (or perhaps a therapy group) that you trust enough to be vulnerable with, that is comfortable guiding you and not just letting you talk in a directionless manner while avoiding the tough stuff. Find someone who doesn't think you are finished when you are still in the middle of processing what is happening. You are not ready if you are feeling such inner turmoil, yet appear to be outwardly numb. This is what I mean that you need to emerge intact - your outward emotions should reflect the way you feel inside. You should never have to put on a brave face, or pretend to be something you are not. If you are in turmoil, then acknowledge it and find a way through it.

I have a friend that had some very serious issues in childhood, and she found that she needed to see multiple ICs over time. One could help her with a certain aspect of her struggles, and then she needed to find someone else to work on the next challenge she had. Every therapist has their own skill set. It worked for her, and perhaps you may need to do something similar. Your first therapist helped you through a time of absolute crisis, but may not be the person you need now to help you sort through what remains.

Goodness knows that we all want to grow from this experience and come out on the other side in a better position to live the best life we can.

Beyond the therapist, it sounds like you are isolating yourself. Get back out there and meet some people and let yourself have some fun. I know that you have a lot of people depending on you right now, your Ds, and your friend with his own marriage troubles, but you can't always be helping others. You also need to help yourself.

Come here a bit more often. Since you have pulled back into your turtle shell you sound like you are having a harder time processing what has happened/is happening. Keep journaling here! It's more important that you sort through your own stuff than that you support others. That's wonderful, of course, and in doing that we do ourselves much good, but it can be draining sometimes. Consider backing off on the number of threads you follow for a little while so you can recharge your batteries. What you do not need right now is compassion fatigue. You need to hang on to some of that compassion for yourself.

Sorry for the 2x4s, SH. I hope that I have not overstepped. I wish you healing and peace.

So for my own journaling: (yikes - long post!!!)

I had a really good day! Right now I feel genuinely happy, just grooving a bit to music as I type this and feeling that my new life has a lot of potential, despite the challenges. I know I have a lot of work and pain still ahead of me, but I am optimistic, and that is encouraging, particularly compared to the way I felt 6 months ago when I wondered how I'd make it through a day.

I spent the morning with my parents, first at their place, then they came over to mine to work on their garden plots. My chickens have gotten a whole lot of free-range time lately (they're on their own for most of the day), and they're just so darn funny. My chicks are old enough now that I put them out in their very own "baby coop" for the first time today. The older six chicks are 5 weeks old and the younger three are 3 weeks old. It seems impossible that they were ever those tiny balls of fluff that I brought home. They are in such a freaky, easily-agitated stage right now that I needed to recruit my mom to help me catch them! Crazy babies.

In the afternoon I went to my hiking friend's gathering, and had a great time. I got to meet lots of other people who are active in the outdoors, and that was really nice. Many of them knew each other already, but they were very welcoming, and I quite like my new hiking friend. She is just a couple years older than me and shares a lot of my outdoor interests, so I hope that I will see more of her. She's new to the area and is one of those people who is really good at meeting new friends and finding herself a new community wherever she is. She's had a lot of practice, moving many times in her life. It's a good skill, one that I would like to learn for myself. For example, I've never had a get-together at my own home (beyond family), and there she is, just having moved to the area a few months ago and inviting 25 people to her home! I want to be like her when I grow up.

We did some walking around her property and then I stepped outside my comfort zone and actually put on my swimsuit and got in the pool! In fact, in an even more surprising excursion from my comfort zone, I wore SHORTS all day. In PUBLIC, for the first tie in years! I am usually super self-conscious in shorts, but I'm as thin as I will ever be in my adult life, so I figured what the he11? No one is scrutinizing me!

Anyway, I quite enjoyed myself at the party, shorts, swimsuit, and all.

I should mention that last night I was up until 3 am, pulling all of H's stuff out of drawers, closets, etc, and gathering it up so that I can get it the heck out to my life. I'm tired of sharing my space with the Invisible Man. I think that's quite a step forward.

Time for my evening commute! Sweet dreams, everyone.

[Phoebe]

"Good" days, that is, Painter!

[J5K]

Phoebe,

I am so happy to hear you had a great day!

[JksD]

Phoebe, loved your advice to SH. And as usual, your description of your day.

Glad that you stepped out of your comfort zone! Shorts are my favourites and I don't care if my thighs are wobbly or not.

Just want you to know that you have also inspired to step out ofmy comfort zone- pole dancing class here I come!

[Phoebe]

Grl. you are wonderful! If you keep on stepping out of that comfort zone it gives me courage to keep doing so myself. Good on you!


(((((Dory Grl)))))

Hi to everyone this fine, way too hazy, hot, and humid day!! I am going to do something entirely dumb and go outside to work. I hiked with a guy that used to say, "If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough!" Well, I'm feeling both today.

I am going to take my tractor out onto my land and do some more work cleaning up an old farm dump. Every farm has them, usually on a hill, and mine has more than a few. It's all the usual stuff, bottles, both broken and intact, but without value, old metal cans, pieces of shoes... I'd guess the one I'm in is from the 70s, when people should have known better, but these folks apparently never cottoned to the idea of healing their land at any point in their tenure here.

I have found a couple neat old things in a couple other spots, just not at this one, beyond a sweet old salt shaker and the top part of a lamp that is probably brass and very art deco and that I may try to find a use for. It' quite handsome.

Last year I found a vaseline glass refrigerator bottle, probably from the 1920s, intact. I don't know if folks here know what vaseline glass is, but it is a strange light green glass, or sometimes yellow glass, that almost seems a bit unreal in color, and that was actually colored with uranium. It's usually regarded as harmless, and is certainly safe to have in your home and to use with food. You just don't want to wear it, so to speak. The cool things about vaseline glass is that it glows very strongly in UV light. I'mm utterly taken with the green pieces. Anyway, look up some images if you're curious. It is gorgeous, and I was pretty psyched to find some here on my property. Genuine history! Some jadeite also has uranium in it.

Anyway, I digress. I'm off to be dumb and tough.

I hope it's a good day for my fellow DBers. Go out and push yourself a bit today, be it physically, mentally, or whatever. Stretch a bit. Have some fun.

I'm going to push myself to sweat and heal some more of my land. I had a fully scheduled week, and it is a "rest" day today (from socializing).

[Phoebe]

Well, I spent about 4 hours picking up broken glass, metal and other assorted trash, so I'd say that I did pretty well. My land is now a couple hundred pounds lighter, and a small spot is looking a whole lot better. Honestly, I didn't even realize this spot was a midden pile until I brush-hogged the roses growing on top of it. Once I knew it was there, though, I had yet another project.

There is still plenty out there, but it's over 90 humid degrees, and that was enough to be going on with.

I'm reading a book today about runaway husbands. It's like it was written about me and H. Sad that this happens often enough that there is a book devoted to it, but it's also comforting to see that what I've been going through is par for the course. Even some of the language I've used to describe it is the same as that used in the book. It's strange.

My plans for the week are kind of up in the air right now. I only have one thing scheduled all week, as opposed to multiple activities each day last week. I'm sure that I'll find plenty to do. I always do.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, I hope you are drinking lots of water! I couldn't stand that heat. I'm so happy when it drops down in the low 70's here, even below, so I can sleep with the windows open.

We had some of those heaps on our property, too. One of them included a car engine and a boat... and it's so wet in the marshland that you can't get a tractor in there to pull it out!

How neat with the stuff you found! I have to look up that glass and read about it.

Right now I need to finish and e-mail off a proof, but I'll check in a little later.

Oh, my week is sort of slow, too, so I signed up for a meetup on Friday - an artists' gettogether dinner on Friday. I joined the group a little while ago but haven't attended anything yet.

[Phoebe]

It's strange and interesting how often we track each other in some way, Painter. This time our schedules are similarly uncluttered and our painful and less painful days seem to often be in synch, too.

I'm still in a good place, and so I hope the same is true for you. I hope you sleep well.

Definitely look up Vaseline glass. It is strange and lovely. Strange in the way it catches the light, lovely in color.

[Phoebe]

Well, the roller coaster ride turned downward yesterday. I was still Ok, but I felt the change of direction a little bit. This morning I felt it more and then I talked to my out of state lawyer.

She advised me that I need to come check on the other house (as it may be abandoned) and she urged me to accept service of my divorce action in the other state. The paperwork is one thing, but I dread going back to that house. I don't think I want to go there by myself again.

So, I had to have my stupid crying meltdown afterward. I went out to walk my fields a little bit to regain some composure and then I went to see my therapist. It was good, but I felt really raw and the tears were right there waiting for me again. I'm so tired of crying. My T is going away for two weeks, so I am on my own on that front for a while, too. He has emergency coverage, but the chance of me going to talk to someone else for a one-off appointment is zero. I just can't see it. I did set up an extra appointment for the end of this week, though, and now I have even more to talk about:

So I decided that, given the L's advice, I really did need to go check on the house. My mom said she'd go when I asked her a few days ago, but today she said she would only go if we could drive there and back the same day! It's 5 hours each way, and I wanted to get my stuff while I was there and avoid going back another time. How could that possibly work?? My dad won't go, and even if he agreed it would be grudging and he'd be impatient the whole time.

So... I love my parents, and they have been really good to me, but their empathy level is pretty low. I really need some sympathy and understanding sometimes and they aren't able to give it. Of course, these are the same people that have given me one hug between the two of them in the 6 months since my life went up in smoke. My mom is also the same woman who took an hour to get here when I called and asked her to come be with me the day I found a note from the process served on my door. I was literally in crisis and she only lives a couple miles away and she took an HOUR?. I know they're like this. It's just so hard not to feel disappointed over and over again. They just are never going to be the kind of people that wrap me in a hug and want to protect me. There is always something more important than me on their agenda.

Anyway, I get that. They are who they are.

So, there is no one who can go with me for moral support. My new L friend said he might be able to go in a couple weeks. Today I feel like I have no one in my corner, and I even have fair weather parents. The only person who lived nearby that would ever have dropped everything to come help me passed away 2 years ago.

So I decided not to follow the L's advice to check the house because I simply can't stand the idea of going alone again. Last time it took me 9 hours to make the drive back because I was so messed up that I had to keep pulling over to cry, talk to my Mom, try to straighten up, cry again…

Just a crappy sort of day. I know the roller coaster ride will start to climb again. Just feeling sad and out of sorts.

[Painter]

Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry that your parents aren't more emphatetic. Did your mother say why she didn't want to stay overnight? Is it staying the house, or would she be okay staying in a hotel?

I guess if you left really early in the morning and she's willing to share on the driving, you could do it in a day. Another option is hiring a car and driver. I know it might sound odd, but it would allow you to nap during the drive and it might be worth the cost. Avis offers it, and many others.

Or how about your new hiking partner?

Or - is there someone who lives along the way or in that city who you could pick up closer to the destination? I wish I were closer, I'd go with you!

[J5K]

Phoebe,

Sorry to hear about your parents. Mine are the same way. Today my dad calls me and says that people saw how much weight I lost and are concerned I am not healthy. I told him I was fine because I actually did put weight back on. I have a high metabolism so gaining weight would take years of laziness. I know, most women would wish they had that problem. I digress, I understand how parents can not be empathetic, I lived that my whole life with mine too which caused part of the issue with my M.

Although I cannot physically be there, I will accompany you in spirit. Go and get it over with and get what you need from the house. Letting the emotions run through you may actually help you get a little more closure to your sitch by not having to go back multiple times.

(((Phoebe)))

[SH_]

My dear Phoebe.

I wish I could be there to take the trip with you. I hope you can figure out a way to do it if your L has recommended it. It really would be in your best interest. Maybe after a good nights rest you may find inspiration or a good person to accompany you.

I am praying that a door opens for you for this and that you are able to move forward.

Sleep tight Phoebe.

[Phoebe]

Thank you Painter, Jim, and SH. I wish hauling along my virtual friends would do the trick. Unfortunately, I need a warm body. A friend surrogate? Has anyone seen Her, the movie with Juaquin Phoenix? the surrogate idea reminded me of the movie.

So my hiking friend is on vacation for two weeks, my neighbor friend is having severe balance problems, and I don't know anyone at all in the whole state where the house is. I wasn't there long enough to meet anyone at all. That said, most of my stuff is there, as the house I am in now was just a temporary thing until we built a new one. Ha ha. Now this building that my H looks at with utter disdain and disgust and thinks he is too good for is my home. Jerk.

Feeling a bit of anger tonight about this whole mess. I finished reading my book on runaway husbands, and I am not too pleased with my own.

I had a tough evening. No surprise, really. I putted around the city after my T appointment, tried to do my post therapy hike but forgot any socks (ugh), then hung out in a parking lot to talk on the phone with my neighbor friend for an hour and a half. I got home in time to let my birdies out for an hour before dark. I walked my fields in the dark again, with that tightness in my throat telling me that sadness was threatening the whole time, but it as a good walk.

I don't carry a flashlight or my phone (I forgot it), but my night vision is pretty good. The fireflies were in the trees tonight, which was so beautiful to see. They were like little living Christmas lights. I saw two skunks, each within about 8 feet of me, which was cool, if slightly disconcerting. The first one popped out onto the path while I was sitting still watching the light show. I heard rustling in the grass, so I waited to see what would pop out. All I could see was what looked like an odd white shape floating above the ground.

The second skunk popped into the path while I was walking. Each time I just started talking to them and they just went on their way. Cute little things, and strangely laid back. Maybe I have good skunk karma? I rescued one last fall that had a Slurpee cup stuck on its head. Poor thing. I had to catch it, anesthetize it enough so I could cut the cup off, and then I kept him overnight for observation because he wasn't acting quite right after all that rebreathe get he'd been forced to do. The next day I set him free. They're adorable up close, with the most beautiful faces, and they're remarkably chill little critters. Their powers of stinkiness must make them very confident.

Anyway, it's been a day. The farm helps, and it was a two walk kind of day, but I ended up getting an earlier appointment with my therapist for tomorrow morning already. I hope I'm not developing a distinct wimpiness trait, needing to see my T two days in a row.

I understand that part of my seeing him is trying to fill the empathy deficit left by my parents. I also am going to have to talk about the whole fair weather parent thing. Did I develop maladaptive behaviors because of them that affected my MR?

Another hallmark of runaway husbands? Gaslighting. His nonsense explanations have left me thinking there is something wrong with me.

Now that it's 2:30 am it's well past nap time. goodnight and sweet (or no) dreams.

[JksD]

(((Phoebe)))

I am sorry to hear about how your parents won't go to your other house with you. Just a thought, would it help if you explained why you needed their company? Or it wouldn't help at all?

I am also praying that you'll be able to get someone to go with you. Or would Painter's suggestion of a driver be a good enough substitute?

[Phoebe]

Well, I certainly had plenty to talk about with my therapist today, fair-weather parents and all... I've decided to can the trip to the other house for now. After having my life go up in smoke, what's the difference if the house burns down? It's just stuff and we carry insurance. Yes, there is a lot of sentimental value there, but it is still just stuff. I can go by myself if I need to, but I don't see the need as pressing right now.

I forgot my phone again today, and still forgot to bring socks, so no post-therapy therapy hike again, and I couldn't call my L/biking friend to get together while I was out and about. Darn it. I am super scattered this week.

Anyway, it's another quiet sort of day. Time to go see what i can get accomplished.

[Painter]

Probably stress making you forgetful. I call it TeflonBrain(TM).

It's like a computer - you got lots of processes going on in the background that require a lot of your memory. So other tasks are going to happen slowly or crash.

Personally, I feel like I have problems with the main power supply...

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you felt disappointed by your parent's reaction. I find it a challenge to get along with my Dad sometimes - though he's a good man and has been there for me a number of times when I really needed it.

I find for me it's a balance of accepting him as he is and letting him know what I need. Trying to be in 'adult' rather than 'daughter/child' mode when I'm with him. It's a work in progress.

Haven't posted much on your thread recently, but I do read along and I'm pleased to see the progress you are making. With BD and then DBing, we grind along and it can be tough - though there are moments of joy and peace. However, months (and for me now years) along the line - all of that grinding progress does bear fruit - and we have no regrets about our difficult and rewarding journey...whatever the ultimate outcome for our marriage.

I think you are doing just fine xx

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Sotto. I'm definitely a work in progress, and my relationship with my parents is also.

It's interesting that you mentioned the balance between telling your father what you need and accepting him as he is. I struggle with that, for sure. It was actually what my therapist and I were talking about just this morning!

So I just have this most random thing to say right now - I love sitting outdoors in this silly swing, under a beautiful old tree, looking out over my fields. I wish there were less traffic, but I tune it out. I inherited this swing because no one else in my family wanted it after my Gram passed away, and It is an absolutely perfect place to sit in the shade and while away the afternoon. And while I am enjoying being outdoors, I get to listen to so many birds! There's an oriole singing overhead right this moment, bobolinks in the fields, a senior big sparrow in the garden... so many more. I love it.

Where was I? Oh yeah... My therapist. He would like me to be more assertive in telling my father that I need emotional support right now. I'm hesitant, but ill keep it in mind for next time I'm having a tough day.

I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to go to my other house. Not because I want to see it or have a great urge to bring anything back from there, but I really DID want to take all of H's clothes, etc., back and get rid of them. Right now his stuff is all over both beds in the house (since I sleep elsewhere these days), and if I was tired of looking at it all before, I am doubly so now! Darn it. Two steps back on that front.

Ah well. I'm tired today, so I'm going to call it an early evening.

[Phoebe]

Hilarious autocorrect again.

"Senior big" sparrow was supposed to simply read "song" sparrow!

[Painter]

Phoebe, can you box the things up and send them to him? Is he at the house at all or is he living elsewhere? Or do you even know...?

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, yes I think if you can say something like that to your Dad, that would be good. I had a recent exchange with my Dad. Something difficult had happened one weekend (I can't recall what now!) and I was telling him about it and saying it was traumatic and how upset I felt. My Dad cut in brusquely and said something like 'well it's all done now.' In a final sort of tone. I realised that he wasn't really able to be there with me whilst I expressed that emotion.

However, there have been many other ways (more practical than emotional...and some emotional) where he has been there for me and I appreciate that.

For sure I would take steps to pack up your H's stuff if that's what you want to do. I would also hate looking at it every day. What if you packed it all up and told him - I've boxed this stuff up, do you want me to ship it to X or do Y? He may even say - chuck it - in which case you could drop it at a thrift store maybe? Do whatever is going to help you move foreward and reclaim your living space as your own I would say.

Have a good day xx

[SH_]

I'm still here following you....(that doesn't sound creepy in any way now does it)

I love how you see so much beauty all around you.
Parents shape a lot of who we are. Your father has had an impact on your emotional states. Not a good or bad thing, just a thing. The good thing is that you are now mature enough and learning how your actions can have an impact on his or anyone else's without it being controlling. Lots of literature out there for how we can obtain the emotional things we need from others through how we think act and return the favor.

What was your L reason for going back to your other house? What was the benefit of doing it? What is the drawback of not doing it? I may have missed that but was just curious as it seems to be a thought weighing on your decision making facilities.

Have a wonderful day and I will check on you again later today.

[Phoebe]

Sotto, it sounds like our fathers were both cut from the same cloth. That totally sounds like how my father would respond and even his words. Like yours, my father has been there so many times for me, but emotional support is definitely not his forte. Thank you for chiming in and for your thoughts.

Hi Painter! If I could box and ship that would be absolutely ideal, but there's just too darn much of it. I'll transport it to the house at some point and get rid of it. I definitely have to get it consolidated, because it's taking over my life right now. It's like the closets and drawers threw up! It's been there since Monday because I haven't felt like dealing with it again. I just walk by and have been trying to ignore it all.

SH, as always, it is so good to know you're still stalking me. . Seriously, though, I am glad to see you are still here, giving comfort, encouragement, 2x4s, or whatever else you think I need most. It means a great deal to me.

So, my L wanted me to check in I the house because no one is living there right now and she thinks I need to verify the state of the place. (Make sure there are no situations being neglected, no evidence of vandalism, etc..) I absolutely think I should go check it out for those very reasons, but I just don't want to go alone
anymore unless it's unavoidable. It's just too painful to go there now. Everywhere I look there I see H's rejection of our like, from the photos buried out of sight to the gifts I gave him piled up and rejected. It hurts my heart.

Today was an OK day. Not great, but not too.bad, either, I went strawberry pmilkshake cling in the afternoon with my waking/cultural event friend. Then I drove home, offloaded the berries for my mom to clean and freeze, and then I met my L friend for biking and dinner. Do, I'm doing things and getting out. I'm falling asleep as I tap, so I'll sign off. Sleep very well, my friends.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I understand you not wanting to go to the house alone, and I've had the same situation, living away from our house and needing to go up every now and then to check on things. Each time I went, I hated it. It had gone from being a 'safe' family home to the scene of our marital implosion and I didn't/don't feel 'safe' there. Plus when I would go, I would discover something horrible - like my photos taken out of a family collage and replaced with others - ugh...

Last time I went (hopefully the last trip ever...) two friends came with me and it did help. We only stayed for 90 mins or so, but I got the rest of my stuff out and it was enough time to check things over. I wonder if a good friend might help in this regard? The other thing we have is our former pet sitter who pops in once a week to pick up post and check on things. She actually picked up a leak a few months ago and we were able to sort that out before it became a bigger problem.

So, if you didn't want to go, perhaps you could engage someone to drop in for you? No great rush anyway, you can always make these decisions when you feel ready.

Hope you have a good day Sweetie xx

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, how was your day? Did you sleep okay last night?

Did you get anywhere with packing up H's stuff?

I have spent the entire day at the computer, trying to finish a big job before the end of the month. Almost there, another half hour should do it. I will update more in my own thread but just wanted to check in.

[Phoebe]

I'm right there with you, Sotto. My other house has a lot of very strongly negative experiences associated with it, and there is exactly the issue you describe - awful little land mines just waiting to be stepped on to trigger all kinds of pain. I wish I knew a single person in the entire state where the other house is who could check in on it for me, but I just don't. If I don't check on it, then that leaves only WH, and let's just say he is unreliable in his current state of limerence. Never mind that the last contact I had with him was easily 7 weeks ago.

So my new L friend said that he could go with me, but it will have to be in a few weeks. It will be good to have another person with me, but I plan on staying overnight at least one night and possibly two. We're not dating and have known each other for 5 weeks now. Awkward, much? These are the situations where putting all of your eggs in one basket (WH, in my case) can come back to bite you. I was so rarely at the other house that I never had the opportunity to meet anyone out there.

And at my farm, I know a number of people, but none are able to go with me, as either age or health precludes their helping. That leaves my parents (who won't go) or my brand new friends. It's a lot to ask of a new person. Luckily my L friend is moving himself very soon, so I arranged to help him in exchange for him helping me.

I was busy all day long today. I went ice skating with a friend and am definitely getting stronger and my muscle memory is coming back. We talked outside on a park bench for quite a while and that was nice, too. I grabbed z bit of food and then went to see my therapist. Again!!! It's my third appointment this week and my 7th visit in 4 weeks. It's just been a more difficult stretch again, and it's been good to be able to talk about it with someone who isn't judging, pushing, etc.

I had enough time after the T visit to drive home, take care of my critters and then pick up my mother for our 'big' Thursday night social. We did our usual fro wry shopping, meeting, then thrift store shopping. I dropped her at home and went back to the farm, by which point it was after 9:30, barely light, and a perfect night to walk my fiends again.

If there is one thing more magical than fireflies in the fields, it is fireflies over head in the branches of a hundred year old apple tree. What a beautiful thing to see.

I'm super tired, so it's time to call it a day. Sleep well, everyone!

[Phoebe]

I walk fields, not fiends.;)

[Phoebe]

Well, it was kind an all-over-the-map kind of day. In no particular order, I got bummed out and cried, my doctors made me laugh without even seeing me, I sent an absurdly frank email, I biked, I spent quality time with my chicks and chickens, I took a full tour of my parents' gardens, and I got my new glasses.

So, it was a full day in a lot of ways.

I have to share this story about my doctors because I find it sweet. When I saw my T on Tuesday, he was concerned that he will be out of town for two weeks and I basically told him that I would only see his covering doctors if I was in a true crisis. (Meaning I wasn't going to see them at all.)

Thursday I saw him again and he seemed satisfied when I said I'd be fine while he was gone, but today I got a call from my GP's office saying she wanted to see me for a follow up visit sometime in the next two weeks!!! Yes, ma'am. When I saw her last week she said come back in 3 months!

They're friends and they're worried about me, so they hatched a plan to make sure I see someone while my T is gone! It was charming and I'm feeling well cared for by both of them. Plus, it made me laugh.

I slept poorly last night, waking up repeatedly to resentful thoughts of H, and that's new for me. I know the anger phase is supposed to be good for me and help me move on with my life, but it's interrupting my sleep again, just when that was improving! That feeling of being ill at ease contributed to the mini crying jag.

Let's see... The frank email was to my L/biking friend, spelling out my boundaries and saying what I need from him - to feel safe and free of any relationship confusion. I need a friend, and no more. I told him that if that wouldn't work for him he needed to tell me so I could distance myself. I've never been so upfront with anyone before. He said he was honored that I shared that with him, and that he was fine with us just as we are now (friends). Then we went for another bike ride! It was cool. Maybe I'll figure out how to navigate this new single life after all? It starts with relearning how to be friends with new people.

Anyway, it was an interesting day. I ended it by watching a movie called Youth with Michael Cain and Harvey Keitel. It has a spousal abandonment subplot, so not recommended as LBS-safe. Plus it was strange and slow and a bit too over the top in an artsy sort of way. Skip it unless you are a film buff.

Goodnight and I hope everyone sleeps well.

[JksD]

That is so sweet of your doctor and your T. Nice to have people who care about you and have your backs.

And good job on that frank email. I really need to take a leaf out of your book on how to draw boundaries amicably yet firmly.

Hooe you're having a much deserved sleep.

[JksD]

Back, not backs.

[SH_]

What a wonderful thing to have folks that support and are there for you. Great team with the doc and t. You are one lucky lady.

So this biking friend. What things was he doing that led you to write him the email?
Being open and honest is a great way to navigate the single thing. Heck it's a great way to navigate life. I am reading things that are reinforcing the thoughts that we often avoid being frank because we are trying to meet others expectations. But being honest and being ourselves is what will attract the people that are good for us and our lives.

The resentment phase is one that I just came out of. I get it and it is one that helped propel me forward, so hopefully you can experience it more in the waking hours.

I am at the phase where I enjoy being on my own and making decisions for me and my future. Yesterday I walked around with a smile on my lips and real genuine joy in my heart. I could see a future for me with happiness and contentment. It was a good day.

Hope you have a great day today Phoebe.

[J5K]

Phoebe

That is a great story. It is amazing help people come out of the woodwork to support those that have good hearts.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm pleased to read about the frank email to your male friend. You were doing the big thing I took away from reading Codependent No More - asking the question 'what do I need to do to look after myself in this situation - and doing it. Plus, it was respectful and received well - great stuff.

Xx

[SH_]

Phoebe, I hope you had a wonderful day today. Nothing like a holiday weekend.

Hopefully you have fireworks out in your neck of the woods that you can enjoy.


(((((phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Well, I am feeling very conflicted right now. After that email, and feeling safe spending the evening with my biking L friend, walking, biking, having dinner, and talking quite a lot about H, i got a really good long comforting hug as I was heading out. He just told me that I am going to be OK.

I was strongly reminded how much I miss being held. i cried the whole way home just remembering how much I miss it. I don't mean in any sexual way, just simply being touched on the hand or back, a hug, putting my hand on H's shoulder as I walked by and him doing the same. I grew up in a family that almost never touched, but touch is critical to my well being. Now I go days or weeks without anyone touching me at all. I've barely been touched in over 6 months and it's awful. I crave hugs like a starving person craves food.

Anyway, it was a good day, until the end, when I just kind of fell apart for a while.

For starters, it was a gorgeous day today!!! The temperature was absolutely perfect (low 70s), breezy, big deep blue sky with a few puffy clouds. It was simply as good a day as can be had. I got some of the feeling of neglect shaken out of my house with a much-delayed bit of spring cleaning. I put the winter window clings away, and washed the windows to make way for the happy summer flower window clings. It's time to start moving on, rather than remaining mired in mid-winter abandonment mode.

I spruced up the girls' coop, and did the spring cleaning out there, too. Such good and nosy, nosy girls.

I talked to my biking L friend and he was having a stressful day, so I invited him over to see my land. We walked on my field paths and in the woods, too, then we sat outside and talked for a while. That was kind of hard, because he seems to be able to understand H better that I can. (He is a L, after all, and has seen all this before.). We hopped on our bikes for about 12 miles of hilly roads. Afterward I introduced him to my parents as they were so concerned about who I was hanging around with a couple weeks ago. After that, we had Chinese food at a takeout joint. Good food, but I wasn't feeling all that hungry. Hug and recutting conflicting needs happened afterwardZ.

I need to think long and hard about what's going on, but I'm falling asleep as I write. More later. Sleep well, everyone.

[Sotto]

Hi lovely Phoebe, from what you post above I think it is a good plan to have a think about what is going on with your friend. There sounds to be a growing level of intimacy with a guy (who may well be attracted to you....because you are lovely :)) You have clearly outlined how this trip - if it happens - would need to work for you.

However, he's come to your home, you are eating out and cycling together - spending time together and sharing information about your situation. As you've said, you crave the physical contact with someone and I can see this easily reaching a tipping point into something more than friendship.

You are S for a while now (and he is already D?) But, you have had a traumatic time and whilst doing well, it is early days and does take a while. Most advice would be to wait for at least a year after D until dating and I think that during that time, building closer friendships with 'low risk' people is the best way to go.

This is JMHO of course Sweetie. What I would encourage you to do is google relationships and entanglements and have a read about the differences, asking yourself whether (given where you are currently at) you are in a place where a 'relationship' is possible.

Hope this helps my friend xx

[Phoebe]

Well, I know for certain that I am not in any position to be in a relationship. I have no doubt about that. I do need friends, and, for good or bad, I have always clicked better with men than women. My first best friend before I even started school was a boy, as was my second, and then again in high school there were more male close friends. I have worked on that and definitely enjoy and can be friends with woman, but it is just a little bit more complicated for me. I'm not sure I understand it, and it's probably something I need to talk about with my T.

I was definitely feeling anger toward my WH last night after talking with my L-biking friend about him, and that makes me vulnerable. Anger is way too closely tied to tears for me. Typically if anything makes me very angry, I burst into tears, which frustrates the heck out of me. Anyway, I was feeling anger toward WH, got a hug from L-biker, which reminded me again that I miss being hugged. I made it to my car and then commenced to cry the whole way home.

I slept poorly last night, too. Not really surprising.

So... today is a day I'll be spending with my Mom canning peaches, so I'd better get moving. We bought two cases of tree-ripened peaches and they are ready when they are ready, which is today, and not a single one will go to waste. We probably have about 50 pounds of them to deal with. They are so incredibly good, though, and I love seeing them in my pantry in the cold winter months.

Thank you for checking in on me, Sotto, and for your advice. I did look up entanglements, and I'll have to do more reading because I found conflicting viewpoints out there.

More later! I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend.

[Phoebe]

Wowee! A 6.5 hour peach canning marathon kind of day. The day's efforts produced 47 pint jars of peachy deliciousness and two very tired worker bees. At 11;30 pm I sent my poor mother home to bed. I'm still working on a few cleanup tasks, but it's time for me to make my little evening commute, too.

I really enjoyed working with my mom tonight. Canning is so much more fun when you do it with someone else. We laughed and goofed around, and worked well as a peach-processing team, and we each will have plenty of peaches to tide us though until next year.

I hope that everyone is already deep in peaceful sleep and that I am the only person still awake at this silly hour.

[J5K]

Phoebe

I am still awake. Just came back from a wonderful weekend. I was able to celebrate my birthday with the boys.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

What a productive day! The peaches sound wonderful. I have done a little bit of canning but never at that level. Do you do mail order?

I hope your L friend turns out to be an uncomplicated R for you. You need good friends that you can trust and rely on. I know some men do take advantage of women in our situation, so trust your gut feeling and maintain your clear boundaries!

[Phoebe]

Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that I'm not the only lunatic night owl.

I'm very happy to hear that you had a good time celebrating with your little ones. Just having them with you must have made your birthday special.

Happy Birthday, by the way, JK!!!

[Phoebe]

Hey, Painter! You're up, too, I see, but that doesn't surprise me so much. You and I are both true night owls. I actually start to get my second wind most evenings around 11 pm.

I love canning. If I don't do some canning project every year I don't feel like myself, so this is a particularly affirming activity for me. I don't want there to be a feeling like I lived one life with H, and then a different life after he left. I need to find ways to repair the rents in the fabric of my life, and maintain a sense of continuity. Something as small as spending an evening canning peaches with my Mom is progress on that front. It's proof to myself that some things about me are still the same.

I also hope my L-friendship turns out to be uncomplicated, because I absolutely need reliable people right now. I'm going to talk to him about it in person, instead of using the email cop-out technique. If anyone knows the peril of email, it should be me. If anything, I worry about my taking advantage of someone else right now, and not the other way around. I've been through the wringer, and that makes people want to protect me and care for me. That means that I am not the only vulnerable party.

OK. Now I really have to head off to my evening roost.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

I hope you had a nice day today! Did you celebrate with family?

I just installed filter apps on my phone and computer that will change the light values so the blue light from the screens won't keep me awake. It was a little late to figure out the effect tonight, but I will be curious what happens tomorrow. They are both timed to follow the sun so it's gradual and not very noticable.

It was past 3 before I fell asleep this morning, but the night before I wasn't on my computer at all and was tired and went to bed at 10:30. Could be coincidence, but I'm curious to experiment.

We took it very, very easy today. Took the dog for a walk and then picked up some meat to put on the grill. I ate about 1/4 of my lamb chop so I have plenty for a second and third dinner!

Hope you sleep well (me, too)!

[Phoebe]

Hey there, lovely Painter!

The 4th has never been a holiday that my family celebrated, so it was a typical weekend for us. I did have a busy day, though. There was plenty of cleaning up from the peach effort, and then I drove to meet my L-friend for a bike ride. After that he dragged me along to a local reservoir because he had the chance to go water skiing. I have to give it to him - he's really good at it, and it was nice to be on the water for a while. Then dinner.

I just got back to my farm and checked in on all my critters. It's been like Wild kingdom at night here lately. Yesterday when I headed out for my nightly commute I had a skunk checking out the yard and a gray fox kit. Tonight, gray fox kit's mom was barking and carrying on at me. She seemed a bit too acclimated, so I chased her off. Twice. Every time I stopped, she turned around and barked at me again. I say bark, but it's s really strange noise that's nothing like z dog bark. Anyway, just when I thought she was gone, I went back to the coop to close up shop, and there she was again, watching me and vocalizing/antagonizing. Apparently gray fox have no fear whatsoever, and neither do skunks!

Anyway, a kind of crazy day. Time (past time, actually) to get to my sleep zone, since it's 2:35 am. Good night!

[J5K]

Phoebe, Painter,

I can't even imagine how much pain you are going through that causes you to not sleep at night. I can only imagine now that my actions caused the same for my STBX. IDK maybe I was the emotional one in the R all these years. Just wanted to let you know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you a quick recovery for more reatful nights and better days ahead.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, JK. Sleep was better for the last few weeks, but has definitely gone off the rails again. I'm taking a break from trying to sleep right now, but so far I managed to sleep from 3 am to 5:35, and woke up twice absolutely drenched in sweat. Awesome. Just tossing and turning and trying to get back to sleep, but it's not looking good...

I never did make it to my usual sleeping quarters. I was too tired to make that last little drive.

Ah well, back to tossing and turning. 2.5 hours of sleep will not cut it, so I have to try.

[SH_]

Egads!! You and that darn awful sleep battle.
I am gonna have to come over there and do something to keep you away from all the dang things that keep getting your mind in such a whirl that it is high jacking your sleep faculties. You my dear young lady need some peaceful sleep and a normal sleep cycle. the brain and the rest of your physical self would greatly appreciate it. I am gonna do some research for you and see what we can come up with to help you out. I know several folks that have gone to great lengths to overcome full blown insomnia, so I know there is a trick or 2 out there that we can get going for you.

So this peaches thing. I love that and did not know that there were many folks out there that still did that. I grew up with my mother and grandmother doing the kind of thing all of the time. We would have pantries and food storage closets full of canned peaches and just about any other thing you could can. And I grew up eating it for almost every meal. Some of the canned food was divine. There were some other options that were not so much. LOL

I am watching you and this situation with your L friend. I would say you are handling it well, and I can see the conflict. I don't have a lot of advice, but you know what is best and you are doing what you know is right in spite of the feelings to be held and find comfort. This is why you are progressing and growing.
Remember, a flawed diamond is better than a smooth stone. So even if you stumble, screw up or make a mistake, the challenges are making you the person a fool is leaving and the person that someone in your future will love and cherish in a good relationship.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. I am still stalking...er I mean watching...er I mean here to support and chat with you as we travel a road we never imagined, but will both be better off for going through it.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

Just checking in - it's that time of night! I'm going to take a pill tonight, I haven't slept very well for several nights without. Have you been out to say goodnight to all your wild critters? I'm starting to imagine you as Cinderella with the birds and skunks helping you clean and sew...

What have you been up to today? I've been perfectly busy but also got some shocking info in my hands today that I'm digesting. Like so much other shocking info over the last 2 years, I wonder if it will ever stop or if I'm caught in a Groundhog Day-version of a Jerry Springer episode!

[Phoebe]

Yes, the sleep battle goes ever onward, it seems.

I somehow doubt that I'll be sleeping much tonight, either, so I'm heading off very soon to my sleeping quarters and taking meds. Of course, It's already 2:45 am...

So the good parts of the day - I got around 6 hours of sleep finally, spent time with my parents, rode my bike with L-friend, and had a good dinner.

So the first bump for the morning was that I have been checking H and AP photo feeds in an effort to provide my L with some location info to help get H served. (L and L-friend both advised me to do so, though I don't like doing it.) Today, I saw that she posted an actual picture of him, so there he was getting off a plane jetway looking very good, and she was right there, taking photos of my happy, smiling, self-satisfied-looking H. (yuck to that) So, not only are they traveling together for the umpteenth time, but she's marking her territory again. Like putting up a pic of our other house or our vintage car, but now just a wee bit more territorial. Yuck to that, too.

So, that was not great, but not unexpected. It was just a small bump for the morning, but I suppose it influenced my mindset for the rest of the day.

Beyond that, I'm sick of everything right now. The day started out OK, but took a dive, and it had nothing to do with H (well, not directly, though he sowed the original seeds of the pain that got dredged up tonight). It's my own damn fault, too. It has everything to do with the L-friend, and i don't think I'm up to sharing about it right now.

SuperHero, suffice it to say that this diamond is surely flawed, and I hope that you don't judge me too harshly. I am human, and a wounded one, at that. Now I've had my feelings hurt and I'm insulted, to boot. I'll leave it at that.

So, on a lighter note, I have a chicken in my bathtub - yet another broody hen. Maybe it's the same girl making repeat appearances in the broody-breaker kennel, I don't really know, but it's getting much harder to deal with. When I had a broody hen previously, I just put her in a dog kennel, raised off the ground, and put that inside my little chick coop. I did that because it has 1/2" hardware cloth, and is therefore safe from predators, but the dog kennel is not. If I left the dog kennel kennel outside all night, I'd have a dead chicken because I have seen all the major chicken predators right around the coop, skunks, opossums, raccoons, red fox, and gray fox, all just looking for some chicken tenders.

Anyway, now that the mini coop is full of chicks, I don't have that option. Instead, I was putting the dog cage outside during the day and was moving Miss Broody and her cage into the coop every night for safe keeping. During the day I would put her in the shade right next to the chicks. I'm a bit slow, but today I realized that the proximity to all those young chicken sounds is making her MORE broody. As I said, I'm bit slow. Anyway, I was away from the farm all afternoon and night and it was too hot to keep the kennel inside the coop all day, but I couldn't leave her outside, or... dead chicken. So, I had to install her and her kennel indoors, and the only place that made any sense was the bathtub.

My life is a zoo, in more ways than one.

Anyway, I'm upset tonight, my feelings are hurt, and I need to deal with it.

Tomorrow I am going ice skating again, and strawberry picking immediately afterward.

[Phoebe]

Drugged for sleep and feeling angry. Wonderful way to end the day. I hope everyone has a good rest.

[JksD]

(((Phoebe)))

Sorry to hear about OW marking her territory. You know, I just have this mental image of a 4-legged female canine raising its....


Anyway, there is this big difference. She's on all 4s and you're a classy lady.

Of course you're human. But you're a really classy human, and you have handled all your horrible ordeal very well. You rein in your anger and you don't spew.

Phoebe, please don't beat yourself up. Sweet dreams, lovely animal whisperer!

[J5K]

(((Phoebe)))

I can only imagine how hard this is. Please start thinking about your H as another friend who existed in your life or just met and is more of an acquaintance. I still think about my W but it is more in that context as she is so different. Do I still get angry and have feelings, yes, but those feelings will fade with time sweet Phoebe.

I know you were doing this to get info on H's location. Maybe have someone else do this so it does not cause you so much pain.

I hope you managed to get some decent rest.

[SH_]

Phoebe, you know that I will never judge you. Only share thoughts, ideas and hard advice from an outside perspective, while feeling similar conflict as you are going through.
You are in the midst of great pressure and you will stumble, make poor choices and feel things that conflict with what you know is right. These are the flaws in the diamond we will become. But a diamond we will become, because we will have walked through the Valley of the shadow of death........and survived. We will never be the same, but we can still be good, and worthy of great things and blessings.

So I say to you, do not judge yourself so harshly.
Learn from your actions. Adjust your thoughts. And make a different choice when faced with the decision again. You do not need to be perfect. You on,y need to learn from the choice you make and adjust.

Be true to your higher self and you will find the peace so desperately sought out now.

[Vanilla]

Phoebe when you have to research or hunt for Intel, have a good friend around or immediately afterwards.

I do this with Bestie

V

[Phoebe]

So, i had a much better day today. In fact, it was as really good day again.

I went ice skating, then got lunch with my R-friend. (I've decided to start using a letter for my friends, as it's so much easier.) She and I then got some lunch and we went strawberry picking again. We had a nice girl talk about my L-friend entanglement, which is something totally new for me, and a very nice change from just bottling up the topic altogether, which is what I've done for my whole life.

H was my best friend and I almost never shared any details of our relationship with anyone else. I've just always been very private. I shared the pain and struggle of H's ED with exactly two people in 25 years, and then only very briefly, although it had incredibly deleterious effects on us both. Had I been able to share what was going on, I think that I would have learned much earlier that it wasn't because there was something wrong with me, or that I was not attractive or not doing things right, or whatever. I lived with those feelings for at least 12 years before we got help from a doctor. It was very, very difficult and left us both with deep wounds and scars, not from any anger, just from pain. We were just kids when we met, and the problem existed from day one.

So anyway, this time I decided it was time to do a 180. I wasn't going to bottle up my concerns and thoughts behind a veil of privacy, and I discovered that it's nice to have another woman to talk to.

So after I got home from strawberry picking, I talked to L-friend about what he said that bothered me, and he apologized and came over for an 18 mile semi-hilly bike ride, and that was excellent. Most of the time I've been riding with him on a 16 mile ride in a big city park that is fairly flat, though pleasant, but I prefer the back country roads. There's more shade with roads that wind through the woods, and there areno other bikers/walkers/joggers/rollerbladers to avoid. There's a car that goes by now and again, but very few. It's just a lovely ride, and it's my home town, so I've been riding these roads for most of my life. I like feeling a deep connection to where I live.

After biking, we made some dinner, spent some together, and then he headed home. Yes, I caved in to my need for comfort a few days ago. A friend of mine said I'd be married until I didn't feel married any more. I guess I just don't. I have dropped the rope, so to speak. H has thoroughly washed his hands of me and there has been absolutely zero contact, at all, in almost three months. He's gone, deep in the throes of his new life and new relationship, traveling all over the place, I have no idea where he even lives any more or if he is even still working or where. I accept that, and know that I cannot change it. I'm left needing to learn how to navigate the world on my own, and I am doing so.

This isn't a rebound R with L-friend because we both know that there is no future path that we could both walk. I am deeply in love with my farm and he's a city boy, and that's OK with both of us. Never mind that he's 14 years older than I am, and various other long-term deal breakers... We are just two people who both enjoy being active outdoors, and we can offer each other some measure of comfort. He offered himself to me after that heartbreaking hug over the weekend, and I thought about it for days. We talked about boundaries and expectations and how it would work, and the bottom line is that we are friends first, and there are realistic expectations with that. It's been good for me to remember that I was an individual with my own needs long before H entered my life, and I will remain so for the rest of my life. I don't need a man in my life all the time, but it is very nice to have one visit sometimes.

Anyway, I hope that you won't think of me too harshly. I know very well that some people here will think that I am doing something wrong, and I have no answer for them. All I know is that I am finally back to the point that I can imagine my life going on and begin good again, and allowing myself the comfort of human touch is part of that process. It is still early days, and I am not at all ready for a love relationship, but I am ready to remember that I am a whole human being. I have an aunt that is still angry and bitter over 30 years after her husband left her, blaming men and the universe, never allowing herself to be with anyone else. I am choosing to look for the good that life still has to offer.

After L-friend left, I took another long moonless night walk through my fields. I may not be very good at meditation, but the calm and comfort and peace that these walks bring me is beyond price.

My skunk karma must still be good because while I was looking up at the stars, I almost walked right into one! What caught my attention and made me scan the dark was a tiny scent of musk in the air! It was in the path about 6 feet away from me. It never jumped, raised its tail, or made any sign that it was frightened or felt threatened. I just talked to it softly, and it went on its merry little skunk way. What cool little creatures.

Tomorrow I have to get up at the crack of dawn because I am going cherry-picking with R-friend. I will be a totally new experience for me. I love picking berries, apples, anything really. It's very soothing, gathering food.

My "chicken in a bathtub" is installed again. She seemed to be back to normal this afternoon, and so tI let her out to spend time with her chicken buddies, doing chicken things, but when I went to lock up the coop for the night, there she was, back in her full grumpy broody-hen splendor, holding court in the same nest box again. Sigh. Back into isolation...

I hope that everyone has a good night. I want to check in on your threads, but I have to get myself at least a few hours of sleep. It's almost 2 am and I have to get up by 6. Oops.

Thank you so much, Dory Grl, SuperHawk, JimKao and Vanilla for checking in on me and for your kind words. Sending positive energy out to all of you. HUGS!!!

[J5K]

Phoebe,

It sounds like a perfect day! I enjoyed reading your post! I don't think anyone should judge how you feel and what you did. When I read your post it sounded like you are whole again and happy with the results of your day, that is what matters.

I hope you slept well and had some sweet dreams!

[Phoebe]

Thank you, JK. I am feeling more like myself these days, which is much preferred over the shell of myself that's been hanging around in my stead for months.

I slept great... For three hours!!! Then I had to get up to go pick cherries with R-friend, which was super fun, by the way. I've never picked them before, and they are delicious. I think I picked about 12 pounds, and now I have to deal with them. That's always more labor intensive than the soothing, meditative enjoyment of harvesting.

I hope that it's been a good day for everyone in these parts, and if it wasn't... then know that the good days are coming your way soon, maybe as soon as tomorrow!

I know there are plenty of the tough days ahead of me, too, but why dwell on it? When the roller coaster ride climbs, I'm happy to roll with it.

[Painter]

Here's what you can do with some of the cherries:

Get large canning jars.
Fill them half full with cherries.
Fill up to the top layer of cherries with sugar and add some pieces of vanilla bean.
Fill the rest of the jar with cherries and pour sugar again.
Pour a little half & half in.
Pour Smirnoff Red Label (80%) vodka over to fill up.
Seal jar.

Put jars away and turn them every week.
After about 6 months, you should have a delicious cherry liqeuer.

I've made it several times and it's so easy. The cherries are great on ice cream later (just don't serve them to children, like my mother did!).

I slept all night with a pill!

[SH_]

Here's what you can do with some of the cherries:

Get large canning jars.
Fill them half full with cherries.
Fill up to the top layer of cherries with sugar and add some pieces of vanilla bean.
Fill the rest of the jar with cherries and pour sugar again.
Pour a little half & half in.
Pour Smirnoff Red Label (80%) vodka over to fill up.
Seal jar.

Put jars away and turn them every week.
After about 6 months, you should have a delicious cherry liqeuer.

I've made it several times and it's so easy. The cherries are great on ice cream later (just don't serve them to children, like my mother did!).

I slept all night with a pill!

Or you can just bake me up some cherry pies and send them to me in the mail overnight so I can eat them after my Sunday Dinner.

[SH_]

Phoebe!

Hurry up and start your new thread as I have some thoughts on your recent posteses that I wanna share with ya.

[Phoebe]

My new digs:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2689964&#Post2689964

Come on over, SageHawk!! I very much want to hear your thoughts.