Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

I hear that it's time to start a new thread!. Again. Still here, and still working on things.

My last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2682757&page=1

My much earlier thread with a summary, in case anyone is really bored:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672335#Post2672335

__________________________

Thank you for checking in on me Painter and SH. I've never hear the term "blue hour," but I love it and I love that time of day, too.

[Phoebe]

Today I spent the day at home or close by, and I was pretty darn productive. With some help from my father I got my riding mower deck rebuilt and put back on the lawn tractor (It's pretty bulky for one person to do themselves). While we were out working on that, the guy who has been doing scrap metal clean-up stopped by and helped us, too.

My Dad may not be particularly empathetic, and may say some things that make me shake my head, but he's always been there for me, and has helped and supported me so much over the years. He's a huge reason that I am who I am - he never told me that I couldn't do whatever I set my mind to and never treated me like a "girl." He taught me to run power tools and to swing a hammer and drive large equipment and to be confident that I could handle almost any projects myself, be it mechanical, electrical, plumbing, or tiling.

The scrap guy is super nice and helpful, too, and I always like seeing him. He helped me and my dad get the brush hog all put back together, so my tractor is now fully functional again. YEAH!! I talked to him for quite a while after my father took off.

I spent the evening putting my riding mower to work by mowing a walking path through my fields. By this time of year the grass can be shoulder high in some places, so now I don't have to wade through the grass anymore. It's really nice to have my equipment up and running again! Now all I'm missing is the push mower I blew up!

So, it was a pretty good day in my world. I did spend a fair amount of time doing legal stuff, and I have a lot more to work on tomorrow, but things are progressing slowly. I STILL have yet to be served with papers from H. It's insane. These process servers are remarkably incompetent (probably because they are underpaid), considering I was home most of the day.

SparrowHawk, the SledgeHammer, thank you for your long post yesterday. We were typing at the same time again, and I didn't see it for a while.

I agree that acceptance is the only way to move forward, and most days I do think that I am making progress on this front. It remains a two step forward, one step back process sometimes, though. Some days the feelings of confusion and wanting to wake up from the bad dream just sneak back in, though it happens less frequently than it used to, by a lot. I just acknowledge them, like I do my other feelings and emotions, and try to get through it.

Sunday was just a tough day. Bad news in the world, tough love from family and friends, and the weekend sadness. Feeling better today though. It was an absolutely beautiful day, and I got to spend most of it outside. My land is so beautiful and I am so lucky to be here and be able to enjoy it.

I wish that I had one friend that would come and enjoy it as much as I do. So far, everyone seems to enjoy it most from standing in the mowed yard, rather than out walking the fields and woods with me. Granted, most of my previous friends and my family are a good bit older than me or their health/condition precludes their traipsing over hill and dale with me, but I really miss having someone to share it with. My new, physically active friends are city folk, and don't seem interested in making the drive out here. I need to find someone willing to leave the city on occasion who also likes to walk, or hike, or snowshoe, or ski. Maybe my new hiking friend would like to come out and bird with me?

I really like the quotes you shared, SH, and I particularly like the Tupac quote! It is time to move the f*ck on.

I hope that everyone gets a good night's sleep.

[Painter]

I love your description of your day, Phoebe, it was just like being there.

Can you take some of your less active companions out on the tractor? Or get a used electric golf cart?

How about you throw a little party with the city friends to get them out there? A weekend thing so they can camp out?

I can relate to the two step forward, one step back feeling. Right now, I feel like I backslid to the beginning of the whole path, but hopefully it will be helpful to know the road ahead.

[Phoebe]

Painter, you're doing great. There is no way you're back to the beginning. You're just having a flashback to what those days felt like. You've come so far since the bad old days, and you are a different person now - stronger, more independent, and more resilient. Tomorrow is a new day. Make it a better one by focusing on the present.

(((Painter)))

[Phoebe]

So, I had a crummy dream this morning, which equaled the end of a pleasant, but partial night's sleep.

I dreamt that I was back with H and everything seemed so comfortable and normal and good. We were in a different house somewhere, and I went out into a fenced in yard to explore the new place. When I went to go back inside, the door was locked, and H was gone again. I was pounding on the door, calling his name, and I was locked in the yard, alone and abandoned all over again.

I don't usually remember my dreams, and I wish I didn't remember this one. Yuck.

[Painter]

I hate those dreams. Especially when they're really vivid like that. I hope it fades quickly.

[Phoebe]

So I'm having a difficult day again, maybe because I started the day with that awful dream, maybe because I just started working on my financial documentation form for my L. What a nightmare that form is, and I don't even have much of the information it asks for - H does. It all seems so real and final.

Anyway, I just texted my therapist asking if he has any more time this week to see me, and I texted my L/biking friend to see if he would like to go biking, so I'm trying to get myself into a better place, but I here come the damn tears again. I'm a human watering can.

I'm going to go outside and see if I can scare up any project to work on to get myself distracted. Or maybe I'll just sit and watch the chickens going about their free-ranging business. Working on the paperwork is definitely making things more difficult today, and I've barely even touched it.

Last night I was reading a book from my therapist, and that also has me reminded that I need to deal with all of the grief and pain, and that distractions don't take away the underlying issues. There is a whole book out there that's been written about sudden spousal abandonment syndrome. thinking that you had a good marriage and then having that person walk away one night with no warning whatsoever really messes with a person's mind. There's no way to prepare. At all.

I am not ruminating, I'm just emotional and sad and lonely and missing my best friend. Last week I was over scheduled, and this week I am seemingly under scheduled. I rescheduled my grief counselor session tomorrow because I knew I wasn't up to the task.

And, thanks to the modern miracle of the text message, I am biking tonight and seeing my therapist tomorrow. Every single day I do what i can to try to help myself, and yet I still have these days where I feel like I am barely staying afloat. Most people comment that I'm seeming better and laughing and smiling more, but I still have these days...

[Jzmill]

Phoebe, sorry to hear that you are having a difficult day. Sometimes we need those teary moments and to have down days. I was a human watering can myself last night.

When you describe your time on the farm I want to transport myself to you and come help out. That is good that going for a ride tonight, should be decent weather for your.

[Phoebe]

Thanks, Jzmill. I'm sorry that you also suffer from the human watering can syndrome. I wish that it was a disease with known incubation, acute phase, and recovery times. Wouldn't it be nice to know that by, say 41 weeks, or whatever, we could expect to be feeling _________?

I know that there is no schedule, but I'd love to begin the convalescent phase.

And preferably I'd like some future immunity. LOL.

I let myself feel the emotions whenever I can, and it helps them to pass more quickly. Still reaching out in whatever ways I can, hence the biking and therapist texts.

So I had a bit of a distraction here on the farm. I was out doing a bit of yard work and I realized that I was hearing a young bird (a grackle nestlig), so I set up a ladder and put it back in its nest. Then I realized it was absolutely crawling with bird mites. And so was I! I was putting the ladder away when I hear a soft thump. Baby has just thrown itself out of the nest. Again! Now I know the mites are a problem for this nest, and parents can even abandon a badly infested nest. This nestling may be messed up for good by its two drops to the ground, but its two siblings still looked good, so i felt like I had to intervene in some way.

I gently sprinkled diatomaceous earth all around the nest and the beams it was sitting on, then put a tiny puff toward the babies, and then I ran AWAY!! And I took a hot shower. Nothing to make your skin crawl like seeing lots and lots of tiny living specks moving around on it. Yuck. Imagine how it is for the poor babies? Fingers crossed of these little ones.

[Jzmill]

I too think it would be nice to know when to expect to feel____. And you certainly should get immunity. I had been hesitant to feel emotions but as you said just feel them and let pass.

I have been having tough time with this process so Distractions are good; that was kind what you did for birds and hope it works out for them as well. I am sure it will. Hope you have good sleep tonight.