Having trouble sleeping tonight... I spent a lot of the evening cleaning up the house and getting prepared for the week. I don't feel overly sad or anything... Just not one frickin bit tired. Staring at the back of my eyelids for hours, doesn't do me any good as far as "rest" goes...
Sorry you are here and thank you for reading my story. I'm happy to offer any insight that I have if it can help you. Thank you for the summary you posted at the beginning of this new thread. In reading through some of your previous posts, I felt that something was missing from the story. The A was the part that was missing and now things make more sense. First, I sense that your W is a very troubled person and has been for a long time. Your M got off to a really rough start. I don't mean to imply that all of the issues in your M are the fault of your W. I'm sure you have your own to work on as well. Dont let that get lost in all of this. Make sure you address your issues as well. Really, that's what DB is about; making YOU a better person. The 1 hour conversations w my W started a week or two after I kicked her out of the house. They weren't meant to talk about the MR, they were just meant to talk in general. They were meant as a way to start reconnecting. IF they drifted towards R talk, and if it was something that my W brought up, I was fine with that. But I wasn't using to drag up our R issues. We only had 2 or 3 of these conversations because towards the end of January, my W withdrew from me significantly. She became emotionally distant and would say mean, hurtful things. She didn't appear to want to talk so I didn't press her for it. What happened is that the A had restarted and I didn't know it. I didn't become aware of it again till the middle of March. That's part of why I have so much anger right now. She crapped all over the forgiveness I gave her and started the A again. In those first couple of conversations, she told me that she was witnessing so many wonderful changes in me and even miracles. And despite that, she ran away from our M again and started the A again.
To me, your wife seems very troubled and conflicted. She's lost her way in life. The first thing you need to realize is that there is nothing you can do to help her and its not your job. She's got to recognize her issues and be willing to address them. Your job right now is to work on you. Detach, 180 and GAL. You should definitely be in LRT mode. That doesn't mean you should be cold, uncaring or mean towards her. But you must be firm. You must set boundaries and not be a doormat. If/when she is remorseful, it will be obvious. There will be no question in your mind if she is being genuine. Until then, detach and work on you. If/when she becomes remorseful, do NOT rush back into the M. Take your time. Make sure its what you want. Make her work to earn her place at your side. Dont be unreasonable. Do not use what she has done as a weapon to hurt her or make her feel worthless. You can't do that if you truly forgive. But that doesn't mean you have to jump to let her back in at the first sign of remorse. I wish I had taken it a little slower with my W. She is remorseful. She knows she was in a fog and that she was lying to herself. She sees the damage she has caused in both families. After the A stopped and my wife expressed true remorse, it was about a month before she started sleeping in our house again. It was another month before I fully and completely halted the D. That sounds like I took it slow but I could have taken it slower. We started having sex again just a few days after she expressed remorse and we started spending a LOT of time together in that first month before she moved back in. We started dating; a LOT. All of that is good. I just wished I had taken it a little slower. An A is devastating to a M. No matter how much you love a person and want to make the M work, its still incredibly painful and will take a long time to get over.
As far as talking with your W, I think that is fine if she wants that. You don't have to shy away from R talk IF she is the one to bring it up. But I certainly would go DEEP at this point. Allow her to express her feelings and validate. If she is lying to herself and to you, if she's not being honest about things, you just need to let it roll off. The fog is thick. Realize she is not "sane" right now. She may be angry with you. She may say hurtful things. Let it go. Focus on you and being the best person you can possible be.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
LiM, Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my story. I really appreciate all the outside help I can get, especially from someone in a similar sitch as me, but at a different phase along the process. At the beginning of all this, I tried to have regular "friendly" talks that didn't involve R, but she was too angry at the time and it always ended up as a one-way badgering session of all the bad things I've done to get us here.
You're dead on with your comment of my W being troubled and conflicted. I've had multiple counselors/coaches tell me the same thing, and while I know I have faults that help put our marriage on life support, she's definitely played a huge part in that as well, regardless of her blindness by the fog (family upbringing was bad (manic/bi-polar mother, doormat dad to manic mother, schitzo aunt, autism in multiple family members, etc), physical abuse and chronic cheating in previous long-term boyfriend before me, undealt with issues with social groups in her early adulthood, etc), all of which she admittingly said she should get professional help with, but never did.
I didn't "blow her off" when she came back the house the night she filed D, or the few nights later when she asked if we were ever going to "talk ab out us", because of harshness/cruelty/etc. I did it because, even though I knew D was coming, I was still emotionally struck and powered by feelings/anger and knew the conversation would not go as I'd like. Now it's been 6 days, and while I don't feel like I'm going to initiate any talk (asking her), I think the next time she offers to talk, I'll oblige and just try to keep things as friendly as possible, while shying away from 'serious' R talk as much as possible, at least the first time or two.
You say "she lost her way of life", and another dead-on observation, this all started when she was stabbed in the back by a friend at work, which ultimately led to her being fired her first day back after our 1-yr anniversary trip to the bahamas. This triggered and emotional breakdown, and I admit I was not there for her as I should've been, emotionally, as I was trying to pickup a lot of side work for my consulting business to make finances better for us (she has a horrible 'retail therapy' habit that's been ongoing in MR, and even during dating R leading up to M).
Sorry I didn't mention the EA (don't think there was ever PA, but I quit snooping out of harm for myself). The EA texts/calls stopped after about 10 days, and I think she was the one that broke it off. But then fired back up a few weeks later, and once I confronted EA (this didn't go well for the MR, but was great for ME personally, I was able to drop the weight I'd been carrying around), the calls to OM rose to a new high. OM's LBS does not know of the EA yet, and I don't plan to tell her, until the D is final. Mentally, I've already forgiven her for the EA, and anything else she might've done during this process. I know it was HER choice to do this, but I'm taking responsibility for my actions which created the void for her to find someone else to listen to her.
I am currently GAL, and bettering myself. I'm conflicted on a few 180s, because of conflicting advice. I'd been emotionally absent during the last year of marriage, and the "180" would be to make myself present for her to talk to, but she hasn't wanted to talk until just this week. I was also torn on if I do this 180, she might just see it as "oh, he's just trying to be MR. FIX IT like he always does so we can sweep this under the rug". So I didn't want to show that '180' too quickly as it might look like desperation.
I lost a ton of weight in the last 6 months, down to an all time low since high school (I'm not a big guy), so I've started a workout program (BodyBeast), and changed my diet so I'm getting at a minimum 2600 calories a day. I've already put on 3 lbs and my form is already changing (3 weeks in).
Once again, I thank you for coming over to my thread. Your input is precious to me, and I'll look forward to keeping in touch through your thread and mine.
Hope you have a wonderful day (I know, it's Monday), but still, wish you well!
I am currently GAL, and bettering myself. I'm conflicted on a few 180s, because of conflicting advice. I'd been emotionally absent during the last year of marriage, and the "180" would be to make myself present for her to talk to, but she hasn't wanted to talk until just this week. I was also torn on if I do this 180, she might just see it as "oh, he's just trying to be MR. FIX IT like he always does so we can sweep this under the rug". So I didn't want to show that '180' too quickly as it might look like desperation.
I lost a ton of weight in the last 6 months, down to an all time low since high school (I'm not a big guy), so I've started a workout program (BodyBeast), and changed my diet so I'm getting at a minimum 2600 calories a day. I've already put on 3 lbs and my form is already changing (3 weeks in).
Those will be things you will eventually need to 180 but now is the not the time. She will not appreciate you being emotionally "present" right now. In fact, she doesn't want it. If you try and do it now, it will just make her angry and push her further away.
I am also doing body beast and I really like it. I started in November before BD. I lost 40 pounds since the beginning of the year and really lost more than I should have. Most of it came from not eating. I've put about 6-8 pounds back on and I'm healthier for it. I've also been running (I hate it!) and I've started doing a new workout app on my phone called Results. Its only 15 minutes but its a lot of core work and I'm seeing results from it.
As you probably saw, my wife is a triathlete and I really didn't participate or support her in that. In fact, I came to resent it because of the time it took away from our family. Now, I spend time every week working out with her. I can't compete on her level but it is something that is good for me and allows me the opportunity to participate in something with her that she finds important. I also bought her an expensive computerized bike trainer last week since she no longer has access to that kind of equipment since not going to OM's training facility anymore. She REALLY appreciated that.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Those will be things you will eventually need to 180 but now is the not the time.
Thanks for the confirmation. I was thinking this exact thing, and when/if we do have a "talk" or two, I need to keep myself from dominating conversation and just let her talk, express my concern, and validate her.
Originally Posted By: LiM
I am also doing body beast and I really like it. I started in November before BD. I lost 40 pounds since the beginning of the year and really lost more than I should have.
Are you on the TBB online site? we can be workout buddies! haha. I really love the program, I'd done p90x3 and insanity, and I'm really just to the point where I'm done with the cardio, too many people told me I'm too little, so it's time to PACK ON THE MASS BABY! I do ride a bicycle, and run a little bit, but nothing more than 30 minutes at a time or so.
Originally Posted By: LiM
I also bought her an expensive computerized bike trainer. She REALLY appreciated that.
I saw that in your thread. That was an AWESOME gift!
Dude, some of those "Sagi Special" moves... I just rather die! "Drop the Weight"... yes sir! ...for me! haha
First it was biker bars and now it's body building. I hope you're not preparing for a smack-down. That can get you some hard time in the slammer.
Of course Martha Stewart claims that doing time in the big house provides an opportunity for personal growth and enrichment. In addition, it helps with detachment.
First it was biker bars and now it's body building. I hope you're not preparing for a smack-down. That can get you some hard time in the slammer.
I'd hardly call the Blue Oyster a 'biker bar'. Just because it walks a woman, and talks like a woman... doesn't mean its... not a toad... or something like that...
I just got off a call with my DB coach, I'm going to do some quick homework, while it's still fresh, and I'll post an update.
I got Keaton in my sight, I'll head over there shortly.
