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I’m going to take a page from some other members and post a quick, summarized update of my situation and brief history…

We got married almost 2 years ago, and even before then W and I had a rocky R. About 2 years into our dating, she started feeling depressed, and after about 2 months of hard times, she decided to “break it off,” and she was moving back home with her parents. She would still spend time with me, and we’d still have sex, and one night when she stayed over I snooped and found FB messages to OM that had been ongoing for several weeks (while we were still together). I confronted, she lied, and the break up was final after that. I only tell this part of my story because it was left out before, and it plays a role in my mention of “repeating of old patterns” from my WW. She was raised by bi-polar, unmedicated mother whom my coach says she “grew up under her wings”, which had led her to carry many childhood issues into our adult relationship.

I somehow was able to “DB” without knowing about DB at the time, I wasn’t doing it “properly” and was really just “portraying” someone who was “making himself awesome”, and about 6 weeks later we got back together. I bought a house, which to her, was a sign that I was in it for the long haul, she always feared she was holding me back from moving away and traveling. The 3 years leading up to the M were up and down, it was busy with wedding planning, home remodeling, work projects, etc. We were set on “once we’re married, things will be wonderful.”

My W is a very ‘difficult’ person, and there isn’t any one of her friends or family that would disagree with that statement. On our wedding day, we had a huge blowout towards the end, which mentally set the foundation for what’s to come, but was ignored. The end of the night consisted of me and my new Brother-in-law’s W, sitting alone outside, and she was saying “you have no idea what you’ve got yourself into.”, I remember it like it was last night. I guess you could call me blind, but I was in love.

Fast forward a year, we went on a 1-yr anniversary trip, and things were pretty good in our MR, but when we came back home, my W was ‘let go’ from her work, went on unemployment, was devastation, betrayed, and kicked off a severe depression. She felt disconnected from me, unequal, undervalued, unimportant, etc. She took the role of a SAHM, but we have no kids… she was “insignificant”.

After about 6 months of MR problems, communication breakdown, increased drinking from her, and emotional isolation, she’d built up a wall, hardened her heart, and closed off from me. I’ll say this started around early March 2016, and I knew things were much worse that I’d thought. Around 3/27 an EA started with OM at her new place of work, and seemed to “end” around 4/8 (texts stopped) this wasn’t discovered until late April. Around 4/18 she forced separation and co-parenting of home until we started MC. We went to MC on 5/5 and she continued forced separation, and about a week later she dropped the BD. Once that happened, I told her I respect her decision, and if that’s what we’re doing, I’m no longer packing bags and I’m staying at the house from here on out. She was furious, and moved out to IL’s. W filed for D on 6/7/16. 2 weeks before our 2-yr anniv.

Once the BD hit, I discovered DR/DB, read the book, and realized all the things I’d been doing wrong. It really resonated quickly. I got DB coaching, and coaching from an outside resource that helped tremendously. I’ve been working on GAL, 180s, and consistency. There is no MR talk at the moment, though she continues to bring up “we need to talk about this”. I feel she’s pulled the trigger out of pressure/trapped, and is very conflicted on what she wants. She continues to say “we have 60 days to repair our marriage”, and I’ve continued to tell her I don’t wish to talk about MR right now, and I’m only taking some time to process all this and work on myself. She hasn’t forced any talk, and whenever she’s “stated” things, I just validate and empathize, and never ask extra questions or talk about myself.

I’m still struggling emotionally, but I’m using advice from here to “imagine she’s already dead” and mourn the loss of my W, and work on myself. I’m doing that. If W comes back around to “work on the MR”, I will be very skeptical because of our history and her pattern of fleeing when things get rough. Since the D was filed, it’s been 5 days, and I’ve hardly spoken to her, I’ve went dark, haven’t responded to texts/calls, or anything of that nature, and she’s been “stopping by” the house more frequently for random reasons.

I’m trying to implement LRT as best I can, and could probably use some help in this area. I have DB coach setup to go over a full hour of LRT with me, so that should be helpful. This post is already getting much longer than anticipated, but I wanted to give a fresh start summary to any new members, as well as a refresher for myself, on where I’m at in the process… I’ll follow up shortly with a current update.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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also, I'd like to thank everyone who's been involved with my story and for the great advice, 2x4's, etc to help me through this. (you know who you are)


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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One of the things currently on my mind, is that I've clearly surpassed the '72 hour waiting period' to respond to the D filing. I've broken most of the emotional responses that would be tied to this response. And I'm not sure how, or when, to move forward with my W when she brings up 'let's talk about us'.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Do you not want to hear what she has to say, or are you just avoiding getting sucked into more drama?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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LiM said he'd stop by, one question I had when I caught up on his thread was the mention of 1-hr discussions you had weekly. You mentioned this at the beginning, and then I didn't see anything of it after March or so. Did you continue these talks? I know each sitch is different, and I don't plan on initiating any MR talk at the moment, but curious if when she asks me about "when are we going to talk about us?" if I should make myself more available for her to talk and open up, or if I should remain as detached as possible until she just started talking about it herself, as opposed to 'asking questions' around it.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Do you not want to hear what she has to say, or are you just avoiding getting sucked into more drama?


Honestly, a little bit of both. At first, I just didn't want to because there was too much emotion involved with the D filing (even though I knew it was coming). Now, I feel like she only wants to "talk about us" for the wrong reasons. That she jumped the gun on filing and wants to reassure herself that she's made the right decision and didn't do it out of pressure/threat/trapped. I feel like any MR talk right now, will just lead to her not being able to contain emotions, and continue to bring up problems of the past (my neglect, abandonment, etc), like she has done every time we've "tried to talk" leading up to this point.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: betterm

I feel like any MR talk right now, will just lead to her not being able to contain emotions, and continue to bring up problems of the past (my neglect, abandonment, etc), like she has done every time we've "tried to talk" leading up to this point.

I know this is 'projecting', 'mind-reading', etc, but since she's approaching in the form of a question, I have just thought I would continue to work on me, focus on things not involving WW, and if she truly 'wants to talk', she won't ask questions around it, but just start talking, in which case, I would gladly participate in the conversation.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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I don't mean to keep posting on same topic, sandi, but another reason (and maybe this is internal conflict), but with the D filed, I'm full blown LRT for now. Is it up to me to decide if MR talk is a good idea during the LRT process? I'm thinking that it would be best for me, and any hopes of MR reconciliation, to continue to put all MR on hold, even if she is pushing for MR/Div discussion. I feel she's still really emotionally attached to everything and would do no good until the closely linked emotions have a chance to die off a little bit, maybe 1-2 more IC sessions for me, and her could do some good before any MR talk... (we're both going weekly).


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Do you not want to hear what she has to say, or are you just avoiding getting sucked into more drama?

I took a break from my pre-week prep and revisited this comment... and I think now, I really don't care to hear what she has to say. She's pulled the trigger, and I know why she did it, she's made it clear a couple times now of 'why' she wants the D.

I really don't need to hear anymore than what I already have to focus on what I want to do moving forward. Maybe I'm thinking way out of line here, and it pains me deeply to think that my plan, of focusing on me and letting the MR take care of itself, or dissolve complete, doesn't really need to include conversations on 'whats going on with us' or 'how we got here'. And in thinking that my carelessness is part of what landed us in this place to begin with... makes me think I've jumped on the wrong train... I don't know... Is that detachment, or is it just pure insanity? Maybe both? Maybe just me being me again and failing to produce a 180...


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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